I Take Joy | Child Training

First time obedience, really? Revisited and A Giveaway of Heartfelt Discipline!

April 9, 2013 by Sally 311 Comments

My own children, (. 3 years ago!), on whom many philosophies of child discipline were practiced! And yet God’s grace covered our mistakes and they grew into healthy loving human beings by His grace!

I just wanted to tell all of you again just how much I appreciated your comments and emails in response to my questions. I will be printing it all out and try to figure out a plan for hitting as many subjects as I can.

However the next few days, I am going to be reposting some older discipline articles. The most common questions are about child discipline. I also want to promote the newest version of Heartfelt Discipline, which Clay finished a couple of months ago. It has been fully edited and has been rewritten in a number of places to give more clarity. I will also be giving away one copy each day of my discipline articles. So be sure to tell all of your friends about our giveaway and about Clay’s wonderful book. It will answer so many of your questions about Child Discipline, but from a discipleship perspective. I hope you enjoy these principles–I call them basic leadership principles. Let us know what you think.

And yet God’s grace covered our mistakes and they grew into healthy loving human beings by His grace!

ORDER HERE!

FIRST TIME OBEDIENCE, REALLY?

Often, the subject of child discipline comes up as I am working with young parents. I do not have the time to answer all of my email or comments as I must stay focussed on my own family and I will not be able to answer all the questions this article will raise, so please understand my time limitations. But I do offer this as some of my own thoughts on childhood discipline and hope that in some way, it may be of encouragement. My blog below is a mish-mash of some of my thoughts–but hope you can make some sense of it!

A Need for Guidance

Well-meaning parents all over the world have tried throughout the centuries to try to figure out the right formula or wisdom to use in raising up a godly, responsible, emotionally and spiritually healthy child. It is right to desire to find a way to love, educate, train and discipline a child to help him become mature.

However, in our culture, so many young couples do not live around their parents, do not have good models of what a healthy family looks like, and so they look to “authorities” to find their answers–people who speak or write books. (Scary thought, since that is what Clay and I do!)

Formulas do not work!

Most parents are looking for a formula–a one easy step guide to instantly raising up an obedient child, a one size fits all.

But, over the years, I have heard so many extreme talks about child training and I have also seen many young immature parents follow rigid, formulaic parenting philosophies and I have lived to see many children rebel, leave all the training of their parents and even turn their hearts away from God.

The parents wring their hands saying, “I don’t understand. I followed all the books and did it just like they said!”

Thinking Biblically

However, when we learn to think Biblically, we must learn to live by faith and in wisdom in the raising of our children. If God had wanted us to follow a formula, He would have given one and made it clear so that we could use the ten easy rules to pop out perfect children. But He made each person with a different personality, different maturity level, different ability.

Scripture is much more long term about maturity than we usually want to understand. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not fall away.”

“The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full day.” A path of life parenting that allows for more and more light to show forth with each passing year.

In Hebrews we read about the mature and immature–about babes who are still drinking milk and not yet ready for solid food–and here the context is of a young Christian and a mature one–allowing for growth.

I tend to look at my children through this lens, “It is the kindness and mercy of the Lord that leads to repentance.” Romans

An Issue of the Heart

First, we must understand that all discipline should be focussed on the heart–not the behavior. Over 800 times in scripture, God talks about the heart–Love the Lord with all of your heart. God searches to and fro for a heart that is completely his. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. and so on. And yet I see many extraverts being disciplined for being louder and more talkative (not rebellion–a personality issue–or boys for being boys–moms who want them to behave like a little lady, etc.)

But God is concerned with our desire to love and obey Him, he already knows we are immature and that we take time to understand His ways. Jesus was patient with Peter and said, “Satan has desired to sift you like wheat,” He predicted that Peter would fall–and Jesus was totally supportive of his disobedient, immature disciple—He said, “I have prayed for you, and after you have returned, strengthen the brethren.” In other words, “I know you will blow it, but I will be with you, I will pray for you, I will still use you.”

And so, when we discipline our children, we must learn to look at their hearts. Is their heart rebellious? Are they being willful? Am I expecting too much for them–their age, their level of over-stimulation, the circumstances, their maturity level, their abilities? A child should not be punished for being exhausted, immature, a boy, or for making a mistake. I make mistakes all the time, again and again. And yet scripture teaches in the new testament and the old that maturity is as a result of training, time, growth, heart and will.

Reading and understanding the way babies and children respond at different ages helped to inform my expectations. I remember that I read an article that said that the average 2 year old took between 30 seconds and a minute to have some messages sink in if they were engaged in their brain somewhere else. And so often, Moms can be very strict with their children and harsh when sometimes the child has not even understood yet just what he is doing wrong. Harshness does not win over a child. Neither does wanting a 2 year old to be more mature than he can be and so punishing him for being 2. We must use wisdom and discretion to understand the situation, the heart of a child, and how to best train him according to our wisdom, faith and training of the child. It is the kindness and mercy of God that leads to repentance. Child discipline should always be based on a relationship between a mature, benevolent, loving parent who is seeking to lead his child to maturity, to train his child to think in the direction of righteousness and to train his behavior little by little.

The mature parent should consider the state of the child, his emotional needs, physical needs before meting out harsh discipline.

Formulas like “First Time Obedience” do not necessarily reach the heart!

I was speaking at a conference once and the speaker before me was plying the audience with all sorts of guilt. This speaker said, “If you don’t require first time obedience every time from your children, then you are disobeying God and you will be responsible for losing your child’s heart and tempting him to rebel against God!” Many men in the audience cheered loudly and clapped. I could just see the harshness that would follow in their homes because a speaker had given them permission to be harsh and demanding, every time with children, without ever teaching these parents sympathy, wisdom, skill and understanding with their children, their ages, their paths of life.

But Really? Can you cite me verse and give context that says God always requires first time obedience without mercy? I am thankful that He is much more patient with me than that in my own life. I have made so many mistakes over the years and done such foolish things, and still He is there loving me, instructing me, showing me his compassion and gently leading me daily to better understand His holy and righteous standard for me. God reveals one issue of immaturity at a time and I learn slowly. He has never pointed out all of my weaknesses and disobedient attitudes at once–and if He did, I would be devastated.

There seems to be no exact Biblical evidence that this is a true “rule.” Of course I believe in training our children to obedience and to teach them to have the highest of standards, and often it meant training them to learn to obey us as we requested something of them, by training them to learn to respond to us and obeying quickly as they learned and matured.

The reason Deuteronomy 6-8 talks about us speaking to our children morning, noon, night and presenting truth and the gospel to our children every moment of the day, is that training is to be a whole-life passing on of values and obedience and wisdom, a morning, noon and night—let’s live together in fellowship and relationship and you will see that I have your best in mind and I will teach and train you how to be mature, wise and excellent.

It is a process of love, consistency, patience, and repeating over and over and over and it takes many years for a child to become mature. Maturity and integrity are also issues of the heart and motivation that comes from responding to the teaching and instruction given in love and mutual respect.

Ignorance produces harshness

The unfortunate thing is that many parents, in the name of faithful discipline, do not understand the differences between babies or toddlers or young children or even teens with all of their hormones, and they exhibit anger and harshness toward their children, act in a demeaning way, while neglecting the cues of the child at each stage. These parents have no perspective for the children themselves–they use a rule and formula no matter what–and often wonder why their children to not respond to them.

But, this kind of one rule discipline neglects the child’s basic well being. If children are exhausted or overstimulated by television or other children, they are naturally more hostile or out of control. A wise parent will tend to his child’s need for rest, quiet, rhythm, balanced blood sugars and understand hormones or emotions, and personality. Often I see children disciplined for things the parent has neglected–their physical and emotional needs—when the child’s behavior is often a direct message to the parent of a basic need that has been neglected.

Biblical discipline must take a long time to secure the heart–many years of constant loving training and instruction. We had very high standards for our children, but our discipline was always viewed through a lens of relationship as the strong basis of our discipleship of our children. Without a close relationship, discipline is quite unproductive.

A parent must live by faith, trust in God, wisdom, and patience. I spent many hours on my knees praying, seeking God, learning new ways of His parenting with me as I parented my children. It was a process of growing in wisdom. My children are all very different in personality and ability, and yet, by God’s grace, all have come to love us and do deeply love the Lord. But we had to raise each of them up in love, by faith and treat them according to their own personality bent. And the basis of our home was God’s unconditional love and grace.

Lack of Basic Knowledge

I have also observed often, lately, precious moms who do not even know how to treat little ones. I was walking down the hallway of a hotel several months ago in California and a sweet, very young, exhausted mom was exasperated and shaking her 4 month old baby, saying loudly, “Go to sleep, go to sleep!” At which point the exhausted baby cried louder and louder. The baby was her first child.

I offered to hold the baby for a few minutes and to give the mom a break. She quickly gave the baby to me. I held the baby tightly in my arms and held it against my cheek and gently rubbed its head while singing softly into his little ear, and swaying gently back and forth. Immediately the little one relaxed its stiff body and listened to my voice and within 5 minutes was soundly asleep.

She just had not been taught how to be gentle, affectionate, or personal. It scared me a little to think of the future of this little child.

I also observed that my very introverted, creative child took longer, even as a baby to focus on me. I learned to work with his personality and to get on his eye level, gently get his attention and clearly state what my expectations were. He was happy to comply, but he did not always hear me the first time. (He now my absent-minded professor who composes music and still has a great heart to obey and to please me.)

My third son, I eventually learned, was adhd, and ocd and a few other letters. But being harsh never, never made his more mature or able to change his behavior. I learned that the more I poured into his life–affection, time, listening, talking, the more able he was to obey. I learned that if I was patient and gentle and helped him–holding his hand, using words of encouragement, gentleness, I could lead him in obedience.

My husband, Clay, wrote an excellent book, called Heartfelt Discipline and many have said that it changed their lives. It will be back in print next summer.

When babies are touched and loved and sung to and talked to and have regular routines and regular, healthy diets, they are much more happy all the time and responsive to instruction. However, when a child has not received these basic needs, the only means of a child letting his parents know he is not happy or comfortable with his life is to whine or cry. When I am around generally healthy children whose needs have been met, it is obvious because they seem more content with life. All children are immature and will misbehave, and pages and pages could be written about the subject, but these are just a few of my thoughts.

My last thoughts on this today and then I must run to my day. Jesus’ life is my example. There was a lost world because His children rebelled against Him–no first time obedience. But His love and compassion was so much a part of His character and being, He was compelled to come to save us. He fellowshipped with His disciples, loved them, listened to them, confronted them, corrected them, fed them, taught them, and laid down His life for them. Because of their relationship with Him, and their love for them, they were willing to lay down their life for Him and His kingdom.

His love compelled them–it was a long-term process, this one of securing their obedience and hearts, but their hearts wanted to please Him and obey Him because of what He had meant to them. And so I did write Ministry of Motherhood, reflections on Jesus’ method to secure the hearts of His twelve. It has been a study over many years. And today, from my quiet time, I am again humbled and blessed by His active, redeeming, sacrificial love that redeemed me.

His model to me as a parent, “Greater love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for his friend.”
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Filed Under: Child Training, Family, ITJ Giveaway, Joyful Life, My Books, Parenting

When will they stop fussing? Love must be trained, to grow! Way # 5

March 25, 2013 by Sally 12 Comments

joel and joy piano

Joel and Joy, playing and singing again.

There was a time, actually some years, when I wondered if Joy and Joel could go for a day without chafing each other. Whatever personality issues lay between them, add a little sin nature and age difference, and life would find them often correcting each other’s opinion or thoughts or heating toward high friction.

Some of my best memories the past two years, though, have been seeing them come to the piano again and again–playing, singing, harmonizing for literally hours–as they are both singer-songwriter types; seeing Joel coach her as she practiced her speeches and then spending hours judging at her speech and debate tournaments; coaching and encouraging each other through life, loves, thoughts, and becoming real, down deep friends.

Same with Sarah and Nate, or Joy and Sarah or Joel and Nate, …, you get the picture!

Moms often say to me, “When are they ever going to stop fussing? Will they ever be friends?”

It does take longer than any of us would want, but training is the key to training the heart’s response.

But, as I have paraphrased in other principles–love is not natural, it is supernatural. Love is a choice, an obedience. It grows when self is put away again and again. Love is a choice practiced over and over again–in order to build a strong “love muscle.”

And yet, Jesus says that love is the very reality that will separate us from the world, because love is such an exceptional light in a sea of dark relationships–that we would actually show love for one another is the way He said we would win the world.

As he said, “They, (the world), will know you are my disciples by your love for one another.”

The reason people would know that something was different about believers in Christ is that love is not natural to normal people–love is not normal in this world where divorce, law suits, violence in homes, separation of friendships, petty fussing and fighting, church splits, this is the norm.

That is why this week’s “way” is so very important.

“We love one another, treating others with kindness, gentleness and respect.” Way #5

Memory Verse:

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

I John 4:11-12

Love must become a trained habit. Living by feelings is not a choice, we must help our children to “become strong inside” by choosing what is right, beyond negative feelings. Living in submission to the power of the Holy Spirit, and choosing to practice love, is what is at stake here. Obedience to practicing love and learning to forgive is a pathway to maturity and a choice where God will provide strength in the midst of such a choice of obedience.

What we sow, we reap. And if we sow seeds of love, seeds of choosing to be kind, learning to be gentle and showing respect, we will empower our children to have strong relationships. All of this must be taught, modelled, and then corrected and trained again and again.

The practice of learning to love goes on at home:

Is that the way to be kind, gentle and respectful to your sister? How could you have said that differently? What is our Family way about how we treat one another? Now, I want you to apologize and tell your sister that you love her.

weakly's clarksons church fun

Some of our besties–even friends offend each other.

Friends must also become a place of practicing loving.

I know you feel like your friend irritated you and was unjust–but our verse says, “Since God loved us, we also ought to love one another. So, could you find it in your heart to forgive your friend? Mama has quarreled with her friends before, too. I know it hurts your feelings. But since God forgave me, I knew He wanted me to forgive my friend. Can I pray for you and your friend? ……….Now, let’s surprise her and write her a nice note about how glad you are that she is your friend and maybe we could take her a plate of cookies?”

If we separate from our friends just because of quarrels, then we are teaching our children that we don’t have to love everyone–we only have to love the people who we feel like loving–and then your training of this verse and family way becomes null and void.

What we model as adults is the integrity of our teaching them to follow our ways.

(And even in those irrational relationships with family, believers and others who will not speak to you anymore or who have decided to be at enmity to you, you must model restraint–show respect because you are a child of Jesus. Show your children what it looks like to respect even those who have offended you and sinned against you. When you model unconditional love in front of your children, they know deep in their hearts that you are choosing to control your feelings in order to sow love–and guess what, that is exactly how they will behave when they are tested as adults–because they learned integrity from you!)

loving Clay

Oh no, you mean I even have to model this way in marriage?

All marriages have stress and ups and downs. This is the training grounds for parents to practice unconditional love in front of their children. Way 5, loving because He first loved us- is not something that just the children are required to follow–even we must follow our Family ways, especially in marriage–sowing love and grace, kindness, gentleness and respect with our spouse, even when our feelings disagree. This is the training grounds for greatness for our children.

When they hear the truth of the way and learn the verse, then when they see that in their home, forgiveness is practiced over and over again; saying your sorry and giving respect and restoring the relationship; choosing to act and speak in respectful ways, prepares your children to:

Stay loving and faithful and forgiving in marriage

to be a loyal and faithful friend

to get along and learn how to honor and handle others at work

In short, training a child to choose to love by showing kindness, gentleness and respect will prepare them to go before kings or paupers and to become leaders in their generation. This is one of the most important areas of training, so that our children can learn how to influence people with the messages of Christ–it starts with an attitude that says, “God has designed me to love people, to be humble like He was, to show respect and kindness.”

Did fussing irritate me? Of course–drove me crazy!

Did I ever wonder if my children would get along? Thousands of times.

Did I wonder what I was doing wrong? Of course I did.

But training is a matter of process and maturity. And it really is going in deep in their hearts.

But training them to love is not about forcing them and yelling at them–but training, correcting, loving, modeling and doing it all over again, until this is a true value of their soul.

But it does work and God will knit together your family, because it is deeply in their souls–His way and design for them.

I am not quite sure when the “magic” of my children really loving each other and enjoying each other and really loving to be together happened, but it is a gift and a result of the seeds we planted and watered over many years.

Even last night, Nathan rang us at 10:30 and we had a 20 minute, face time–me on the couch, showing the dog, getting 3 of us in camera site at once–just to be together and “jaw.” We giggled, shared, talked and loved once again as a community of Clarkson’s. The fruit was sweet to my mama heart.

This training is an over and over and over again issue, but I must say now, fighting hard for this way to become the “way” of their hearts is one of the sweetest harvests of training, because now we have all become best friends.

Filed Under: Bible Studies, Child Training, Children, Joyful Life, Mothering, Parenting

Playing the part of provider to bring life and beauty!

November 16, 2012 by Sally 11 Comments

Wisdom has built her house, She has hewn out her seven pillars,
She has prepared her food, she has mixed her wine,
She has set her table, …,
“Come eat of my food. And drink of my wine I have mixed.
For sake your folly and live,
And proceed in the way of understanding.” Proverbs 9:1-6

I am getting mommy excited about next Tuesday. My youngest, precious one, Joy, will come home from her first semester at college. She has sustained the 3 months alone without one visit and we have been constantly chatting and planning and sharing hearts so much that it feels like the last few days before you give birth–just biding your time until the momentous occasion comes. As a result, I have been looking at some old pictures and drawing up old memories and here is one of them–our fall apple picking and putting away for the winter. We missed it this year with Joy gone and us traveling too much.

But I had so much fun remembering, I thought I would share our memory with you! Getting into the mood for cooking a feast for all of my children and special others who will be with us!

Below a story of life from 4 years ago–hard to believe the time flew!

Yesterday we had a great sermon–one of four–which addressed the reality of heaven. I loved hearing that in heaven we will eat and drink and feast and have gardens and rivers and beauty and celebration and singing–only it will be in a perfect and wonderful place–called paradise–even more wonderful than anything we can see or imagine here.

I like knowing these things. It makes me think that when I prepare these thousands of meals that I am providing a little heaven on earth–an imperfect picture here of what real celebration and living will be there! I think that one of my delights over the years, which has grown as I have become better at it, is providing life-giving meals and memories for my family. Wisdom (I love it that wisdom is personified as a woman!) sets her table and provides wonderful food and in the midst of serving, calls those she serves to wisdom, understanding, love and righteousness. I am convinced that we have done more discipleship over meals than any other way!

As the old saying goes, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, but I think there is some truth to it, only applying to all people! Even Wisdom knew as much. Though there are so many things that reach and touch our hearts, I do think that the dining table can become the place of so much spirituality. At least it has for our family. Clay and I talk to our sons Joel and Nathan several times a week. Though both are thriving where they are, both have mentioned often missing our family. And when I asked them what they missed the most, it is as Joel and Nate said, “It’s the great food and the meal time discussions that I miss the most–just being together like that as a family.”

I would have to agree that these moments (and there are thousands of them) have held celebrations, devotions, discussions, funny stories, jokes, laughter, songs, correction (How many times have I told you–use a fork–not your fingers!) and sharing our hearts together.

God designed us to eat, but the time spent eating in warm fellowship, giving words of love and affirmation, challenging ideas with a meaningful quote to discuss or bringing and insightful article to the table to read together makes the moments that we spend in delightful fellowship feasting, a discipleship moment!

Just thought I would include a recipe from a most recent Sunday breakfast meal. Though we try to have devotions as a family, as our children became older and had their own cars, jobs and activities, we could barely get everyone together at once, but we could almost always get everyone together on Sunday morning. So many years ago, even when they were young, I got up early to make a great Sunday morning breakfast. Some of our favorites include home made whole wheat cinnamon rolls–(and yes, someday I will provide the recipe–but it is not perfected yet and I am afraid of misleading all of you! I am so used to throwing it all together–my own recipe–that I don’t exactly know how to put it down as it is different every time!)

Now onto more–scrambled cheese eggs–I do it a certain Clarkson way with bacon bits, cheese and sour cream; Polish eggs–the same only with hash browns mixed into the eggs-omelette’s with green peppers, onions, ham, bacon, avocado as the favorite items and of course cheese; muffins–our favorite being oatmeal and also blueberry or pumpkin; also, apple coffee cake; cottage cheese pancakes with strawberry or blueberry topping.

But one of the family favorites, which I do when I run out of time or get up late, is Whole Wheat Pancakes. I use this recipe below. The great thing about this recipe is that you can change it by adding just a few items. The ones pictured below are my regular ones–pancakes with grated apple, pecans and cinnamon.

Sometimes I add chocolate chips and have made a smiley face with them; or blueberries, one to two squished bananas with chopped nuts; hot peach sauce on top, hot apples on top and whip cream on all of it if desired. The girls in our family prefer real maple syrup and the boys prefer Aunt Jemima or log cabin light.

Of course we always light candles and put on some kind of music.

Somehow our table looks sparse now that we only have 4!

Whole Wheat Pancakes
2 eggs
2 cups whole wheat (or white) flour
1 1/2 cups milk or yoghurt
2 -4 tablespoons honey, sugar or maple syrup-depending on your taste
6 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
Beat eggs with beater until fluffy. Add remaining ingredients until smooth. You can add up to 1/4 cup of milk if you prefer thinner cakes, but we like them fluffy and thick. They do spread out on your griddle–though sometimes I give them a little help when I put them on the griddle by spreading them out a little with my spatula. Let them cook until there are lots of bubbles showing on the surface of the cakes, and they are beginning to dry out on the edges. This makes enough to feed all 6 of us. You can halve the recipe and feed 4 if they are not big eaters!

*as an aside, I always grate apples to put in the pancakes. I also add pecans to some of them. You can also fold in blueberries. Yumm–a great way to add whatever you happen to like! (Once a woman told me that she followed this recipe and her pancakes turned out really heavy. I grind my own flour and don’t add more flour if the batter looks wrong–I add a little more milk. They are pretty light for us–hope it works for you!)

Next, I like to decorate for each season. I keep lidded plastic boxes with the season’s decor and it just takes me a small amount of time to decorate my whole house. (autumn, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine’s, Easter, Spring and summer) I like, also, these tall glass cannisters that hold whatever you want in the bottom and candles on the top part as pictured below. You can get them in all sorts of sizes–expensive designer ones or Walmart or Target. The reason I like them is that you can just put different things in the bottom of them, place a candle on top and it is an instant centerpiece on a table or coffee table. In autumn, leaves are on the bottom. At Christmas, I put tiny red and green Christmas tree balls in one and pine cones in another I have; small hearts at valentines with a red strand of beads during January and early February, etc.

Providing can also be designing traditions just for your family that take on a life of its own. Every year for a few years, we took a trip to the local apple farm and picked our own apples, ate a picnic out in the fields. Then, some weekend, we would all peel apples, slice and cut them and freeze them for applesauce and or warm apples to have with our soups in the winter. This year, our apple farm had a freeze and so we bought 3 boxes of organic apple to use for our recipes. We always watch the Anne of Green Gables series while doing it and I think we have every line memorized. This year, since our family is ridding itself of lots of our plastic, we decided to put our recipes in jars. I must say we missed the boys as they always did a lot of work with us on these!

The final outcome so far: 17 jars of homemade applesauce and 12 jars of apple butter (minus the jars eaten!)

Now, tonight we will do the last box–apple pie filling!

We so enjoyed praying for all of you today. It was such a good time of fellowship with my girls–I should do this more. Have a great day tomorrow and know we are in His loving and wonderful hands.

Grace, peace and an abundance of His love to all of you today!

Sally

Filed Under: Bible Studies, Child Training, Family, Food, Home, Hospitality, Joyful Life, Lifegiver, Mothering, Our Family, Recipes, Table Settings, Traditions

Parenting: It all starts with your view of God

March 21, 2011 by Sally 38 Comments

Michelangelo–God at creation

Starting with the right foundations

If there was one legacy I wish I could leave to other women, it would be to help them think more Biblically. When a woman knows scripture–the whole counsel of scripture, not just verses here and there taken out of context. But gaining a Biblical understanding from Genesis to Revelation, then she has more confidence and ease in her walk with God. (It is also why I hope to give a good bit of my life in the next years to our leadership intensives where women will learn a little of Biblical instruction, foundations, prayer, Bible study–to follow God in our lives as we serve and love Him. More on that later this month.)

God makes it clear throughout scripture that his priority for us is to know Him and love Him with our whole heart and mind.

“Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, let not a rich man boast of his riches, let not a mighty man boast of his might, but let him who boasts, boast of this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the God who exercises lovingkindness and righteousness on the earth for I delight in these things.” Jeremiah 9: 23-24

And, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” Psalm 127

And so the starting point for any arena in our lives must be God–our worship of Him and knowledge of Him and obedience–a heart that wants to please God.

So, let me begin by praying for all who read this today. “Lord, I pray that each one who reads these blog articles will be led by you. I pray you will provide them with insight, skill, love, wisdom and the understanding of what it means to be filled with your Spirit and to walk by faith in this journey of motherhood. And bless them with strength, joy and a sense of affirmation in their great calling as parents. I come to you in the precious name of Jesus. Amen”

I do not pretend to have all of the answers to all of the questions that people may have. I feel even reticent to become any kind of an authority, and pray only that I may shed a little insight on what I have learned through the years, by walking this journey with God. I also do not want to place any unnecessary burden upon moms who are doing their best, seeking to find wisdom and can feel like failures, as though “It is too late. I have already messed up my children.”

God is the God of second chances and His whole nature is to love and redeem. So, know that He is in your home, He loves those who seek Him and obey Him and He is a God of compassion and will work in and through your life.

(Even as a Father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. Psalm 103: 13)

And, of course, I am not anxious to attract lots of comments from women who want to tell me why I am wrong or why I do not understand scripture.

But, in the spirit of Titus 2, and my own stewardship of what God has graciously taught me over the years, I write these articles with much trepidation and dependence on Him. But I do think that God would have all of us women, in the spirit of Titus 2, pass on truths that we have learned so that other women may have more direction and help in the shaping of their families and the loving of their husbands. I longed for a mentor when I was young and so hope, so for the sake of encouragement and to please Him, I hope I might shed some light on this path of parenting.

It all starts with your view of God

Ultimately, so much of what I lived and what I know to be true, I learned by reading scripture, pondering it, studying it, seeking to really know God and walking with Him. Pondering Christ, who is the perfect reflection of God, according to Hebrews 1.

As many of you know, I have often said, “In the absence of Biblical conviction, people will go the way of culture.”

Women will go the way of their church culture, media culture, family culture, peer culture–they will follow whoever is leading, unless they have developed their own convictions. We will listen to other voices if we have not learned to discern the voice of God. The problem with this kind of approach is that it leads to whims, to whatever way the cultural wind is blowing.

And so, when it comes to child training, if people have not had the opportunity to think Biblically or to study the word of God, and about what God is like, they will look to others for “truth.” Most people desire specifics–just give me the rule, the formula, the law, as we want this process to be easy and predictable.

Please know that I am not trying to offend anyone. I want to be of encouragement and help. Yet, I have noticed, too, that sometimes, those who are most emphatic and confident about formulas and rules and laws about child training are those who have young children, who have not lived a whole life-time of raising children to maturity. It was interesting to me how many comments I had from older women (under my article first time obedience, really) who said that they wish they had known the ways of grace based parenting because of the negative effects it had on their children and how much it incurred anger and rebellion in their children.

Then often times, good hearted parents, will just take the opinion of a writer or speaker or authority, who says some emphatic things about a subject and uses a few proof texts to add support. What this speaker says, becomes law and rules and a formula to follow. Period.

And then, sweet, devoted women live by the rules and feel guilty if they do not follow the rules to a t, as though they are failing their children if they do not conform to the sound bites and laws of the speaker they are following–the speaker’s voice is in their head.

However, in the Christian life, even in parenting, God gave us a brain to think, a conscience to nudge our hearts, the Holy Spirit who lives inside of us to guide us. All He asks is that we live by faith in him dependence on Him. And yes, I think through this process, God has given a mom intuition and a mom’s instinct for what is best for her child. God always loves to lead us and work through us by faith in relationship to Him and what He is impressing us to do, within the beautiful design of our femininity and womanhood. That is why it is crucial that we are spending time in His presence and seeking to build a foundation of conviction on scripture and knowledge of God.

And so begins a series of articles addressing some of the issues about child discipline that many have asked me to write.

Your parenting philosophy all begins with your view of God.

I know I will frustrate many of you by taking so long to explain the foundations of our philosophy, as you would rather me tell you the specifics of how I did it and why, by God’s grace, I was able to raise 4 children who are obedient and respectful to us and who love God and are seeking to serve Him in and through their lives. But, my own parenting of my four very different children was a process of seeking wisdom, studying scripture, listening to God, following other wise people. It was a process of relationship and love with Him, not following the formulas that it seemed most of my peers were following. We went against the grain of the culture we were surrounded by, and yet found the wonderful presence of God in our home as we sought Him.

But, I feel that one of the most foundational starting points, is that all of us see our children through a grid. A grid is the lens through wich you see life. And if we can define that grid, then it will determine how we behave in relationship to our children.

Do you see your children through a grid of them being a blessing from God? (psalm 127)

Do you see the fruit of the womb as a reward? (psalm 127)

How does one treat blessings and gifts?

We read in Mark 10: 16 that Jesus took the little children into His arms and blessed them. Do you bless your children and see that as a part of being Jesus to them? He said of little children, “of such is the kingdom of God.”

Jesus also said, “Woe to the one who causes the leasts of these little ones to stumble.” What would cause a little one to stumble?

So today, I leave you with this question?

How do you see your children? What informs your mind when you look upon their sweet faces? Do you see them through the eyes of Jesus? Do you focus on them as someone to police or correct–or someone to love and serve, understand, protect, love and instruct?

As in all great work, it requires so very much time, effort, work, fortitude, faith and patience. But raising Godly children is of the most important work in eternity.

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Family, Lifegiver, Mothering, Parenting, Trust in God

Is the lamp of your soul filled?

December 30, 2010 by Sally 3 Comments

January is usually a challenging time in the lives of many people. The anticipation of the holidays is over, there are messes to be cleaned, and lots of cold weather and dark days ahead. From times past, I know that it helps me every year to refocus and get a new perspective in order to make it through the long winter months with more grace.

I wish you were here today, the flurries of snow are so lovely as it peacefully dances through the air and falls softly. It is so white, so pure, so wonderful. It reminds me of the gentleness of God’s word and the beauty of it as it fills our soul. That is exactly the way I feel now as I ponder our morning devotions where we discussed the virgins that didn’t bring enough oil for their lamps.

¹ “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. ² Five of them were foolish and five were wise. 3 The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. (Mathew 25: 1-3)

Some of the virgins were called wise and some were called foolish. Why?

Because they had oil? Well, partially but more because they had thought ahead to the priorities in life. They didn’t let things in life distract them from the truly pressing, the truly important, the true priorities. The wise virgins took the time to put oil in their lamps–to be ready to meet the bridegroom.

What does it mean for us to be ready to meet Him? To see Him face to face? How does that play itself out in the warp and woof of our home life? There are times in our lives when we definitely get distracted by dirty rooms, meals to prepare and oh yes, definitely laundry! But, are these the things that put oil into our souls? Likely not.

However, focusing on the Savior that is in the manger and on the cross will definitely fill our soul and guide our hands to the priorities of a time to visit with God every day, a time to talk to our children about why they are created in God’s image and maybe some help in how they can walk that out today. Maybe it is time in prayer for the neighbor, friend who is mourning, or family member that feels so alone and misunderstood.

All of our busy-ness will be in vain if it is not in preparation to see Him, to celebrate Him in our homes, to ready all of our children to put Him as the highest priority as we await that wonderful day when He will come back to the earth. God wants us to be ready and anticipating His coming.

The wise virgins were ready–they had faithfully prepared to see their Savior face to face. When we are in readiness the priorities are a lot more clear and our steps are so much more sure. So, as January approaches, evaluate your life in light of this wonderful little story. Take some time today to make sure you have the oil you need for your lamp and you too will be wise.

Filed Under: Bible Studies, Child Training, Lifegiver, Ponderings, Trust in God

Part 2 of The Mystery of Discipline

November 22, 2010 by Sally 9 Comments

When we live by faith in so many areas of our lives, why would God not want us to live by faith in the area of discipline? In other words, with the Holy Spirit as our guide, wouldn’t it make sense that God would give us wisdom to understand the different personalities of our children and to adjust our discipline according to each of their needs? Wouldn’t He want us to reach the hearts and lives of our children in the same manner that He reached the heart of His disciples? By serving them, loving them, correcting them, teaching them, living with them in wisdom and truth and modeling integrity.

So, I give you part 2 of The Mystery of Discipline article I wrote to answer some questions I received from a group of moms.

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Words that build bridges of encouragement and affirmation

Appreciate their good behavior–”You are so very helpful. Thanks for picking up all your toys.” “You were so patient with your sister. Thanks for being such a great big brother–I couldn’t do without your help.”

We used consequences a lot with our children and then we were very consistent to follow up. “When you talk to an adult, you say, ‘yes, Mrs. Brown” and you look them in the eye and you do what they say.” If they misbehave, we would say, ‘what is our 24 family way about how we speak to authority?” (We trained our values into our children ever day by teaching them our way and giving them scriptural admonition–go here to see the 24 Family Ways in our bookstore to see what Clay wrote for our family.

We corrected a child’s behavior immediately. We often said, “You have a choice to make. If you stop your bad behavior right now, then we will keep playing at the park, but if you insist on fighting with your sister or brother, (or whatever), you will have to go sit in the car while everyone else plays. (And then I or Clay would go sit with the child–but usually our children learned to comply with our training if we were consistent. I do think, however, some parents are too harsh and impatient with their young children–2, 3, 4 years old. These are the questions that need to be asked first:

1. Has my child had enough sleep–do I need to punish them or put them to bed with harshness and unrealistic expectations because I have allowed them to become exhausted?

2. Is my child’s blood sugar low-do they need to eat or have I pushed them too far?

3. Is it past their bed time or nap routine?

4. Are they overstimulated by being with too many other children for too long and or by too much activity? (When children are in the presence of other children as toddlers and pre-schoolers, even more then two others at a time for over an hour, it takes their blood sugar almost 24 hours to normalize! ) Keep your children home, give them routine, let them play and exercise and tire themselves from natural play–not from being in front to the television or from being inside too much with too many other little children.

5. Have I been paying attention to my child–is his or her emotional cup full? Or have I been correcting them all the time and “whining” at them and they are badly behaved because I have not been attending to them?

6. Am I trying to make my little boy stop being a boy? (Boys are louder, more active, and slower to mature and not as apt to sit still–just takes a little more time and patience.)

7. Do I make an effort to sympathize with my child and enter his world–give him time to explore, nurse him or her, touch and tickle and show affection to them and hold them a lot?

8. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you–are you being fair? Positive and content and not yelling or whining or using guilt? Respect your child–meet your baby’s need to be held, nursed and picked up and you will have a happier toddler–children need lots of love and affection–when their needs are filled, they tend to be much easier to handle and quicker to comply–I spent so much time with my little ones at home and they were much easier to train than when I took them out every day and overstimulated them.

Now, if these basic needs are met, then a child is much more apt to be easily trainable. (When I am not overworked and my emotional cup is filled and I feel happy in my home and am appreciated and affirmed–I am a much better person–and so with my child. But when I am exhausted, spent and have neglected my personal well-being, I also am harsher, and shorter of temper. I have to maintain my own peace at home for them to find me peaceful.)

Loving, teaching, training, etc. is over and over and over again. Takes a lifetime–when he is “old” he will not depart from it!

One mom said she was having to spank her child 6-8 times a day for not washing her hands before meals (found out the child was 2 1/2 years old!) I told her, “If you want her to like washing her hands, every time before you go to eat, you pick her up in your arms, take her to the sink and gently rub her hands with soap and sing a “washing, rubbing, making hands clean and smell good song” and then you kiss the hands and gently put the child in her high chair and she will want to wash her hands the rest of her life– and it will bring a good memory!

We would also always train our children before we went into a new situation. “When mom goes to the grocery store today, I will give you a small cup of cheerios to munch on. I would like you children to stay quiet in the grocery store and not beg for something. If you obey Mommy, we will go to the park afterwards and have a small snack. If you choose to misbehave, we will have to go straight home and you will have to stay alone in your rooms.” And then you remind them if any discord starts to erupt. Then children learn what you expect from them. Also, we would use distraction with little ones.

I think, too, that some stages just must be lived through–no, not this, this! over and over again–and then over a period of time, you will see that your children are growing in self-control and time plays its part and they begin to naturally mature because they are growing older. Just be patient.

Just wish you could have heard my girls talking and talking about controlling children and all the methods they remember us using–so fun to listen to your own and giggle at them in all their ways. Fun to be at this stage–they do grow up, eventually! Have a happy week and try to enjoy each phase–as I miss my boys way too much and when Sarah is gone, I wish she were here. But I do also enjoy them being out in the world and seeing them all spread their wings–it is healthy. But the whole process always had so many ups an downs and it is perfectly normal to feel weary and to be impatient–I had to learn to be a little kid person–just wasn’t in my skill set or personality–but eventually it came.

Grace and peace in the midst of the messes of life and faith to handle it all.

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Family, Parenting

As requested, The Mystery of Discipline part 1

November 17, 2010 by Sally 5 Comments

Discipline–that mysterious area of life where people are so passionate. To spank or not to spank, that is the question. But is it really? Seems to me that the discipline of a person is a whole life process. God has used so many different approaches in my life to discipline me.

Natural consequences–It you do something foolish, you will reap foolish consequences–speeding and getting a ticket–not God, my stupidity.

Scripture–conviction by the Holy Spirit

Training–learning all sorts of lessons through jobs, circumstances, missions, watching others and having the training of my parents or boss or friends in the midst of life

So much of life is a process and so is child training. Children at 2 are just less mature than children at 7 or 9 or 11. Parents of older children know that children will grow out of phases. Gentle instruction, training, “You may not speak this way, what is a better way to say this?” and following through. “You may not hit another child when you are frustrated, ever?” And then you isolate the child from the others and work with the child until they can apologize and ask for forgiveness.” It is the patterns day in day out of correcting. loving, training, instructing, putting to bed, holding, and asking God to show us, by faith what each situation and each child needs at the moment.

No training is irresponsible. One of my friends thought she was following Clay’s philosophy in his book Heartfelt Discipline by being lenient, which is different from grace based. “My three year old refuses to respond to my husband and always runs to me and spits on him and kicks him and I tell my husband that it is just a phase.”

I was shocked. No child of ours is ever allowed to treat anyone that way, let alone a parent. We were on top of our children training, training, disciplining all the time. It was the way of life to model and instruct them in maturity.

Since I am in the mountains with my sweet family, and want to spend most of my time with them, I thought I would post a blog from before that many people have requested. And I pray for each of you who read it today, that God will Himself give you grace and wisdom in your home for each situation with each child. Even as we walk by faith, we must also parent by faith. Grace and peace to you this Wednesday!

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“It just bothers my head off when I see parents who don’t discipline their children!” Joy proclaimed after babysitting a group of kids at church tonight. After which a long conversation between Sarah and Joy ensued. So fun to hear them talk with such strong opinions–guess the Clarkson family culture was pretty strong!

When I asked what to write about, several of you asked about discipline. I am off to bed tonight, but I will throw just a few thoughts out. Seems to me that people tend to take two extremes. Either they are high disciplinarians and are too strict and harsh or they say they are grace based and don’t intervene in their children’s lives at all. Clay and I believed in high love and high discipline–but most of our discipline was training, instruction and correction.

I have learned more about my parenting by pondering Jesus than from anywhere else. In Hebrews we are told, “All discipline, for the moment, seems not to be joyful but sorrowful, but afterwords it leads to the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” That right there says that God cares that we interfere with our children’s development and maturity and discipline them to become righteous.

“He disciplines us that we share in his Holiness.” His discipline was for a purpose–not to be overbearing with us and become authoritative–but to train us–to help develop His character in us. He has high standards for us. I feel that in my own life, he has used many obstacles, difficulties and stresses to help conform me more to His image–he does not let me off the hook–he uses His training to help me grow up- to become more mature.

So, I realize that I have to be willing to let my children suffer displeasure in order to train them to become excellent. However, the point I want to make clearly is that discipline and training of a child is primarily relationship based—-not rule based! We are to seek to win their hearts–to give them a reason to want to obey us. We are to accept our children as a gift and communicate clearly to them how we love and treasure them.But for Clay and me, it meant spending lots and lots of time.

How did Jesus influence His disciples, so that they wanted to follow Him to the cross? By spending 3 years with them day in and day out, teaching, training, modeling, correcting and loving and enjoying life with them. (I wrote about this a lot in Ministry of Motherhood) His influence was based on his servant-leadership–(The night before he died, he was pondering where he had come from–heaven with God where he was always worshipped–and where we would be going back–back to heaven–and then he knelt and girded himself about with a towel and began to wash the disciple’s feet.

I was having a quiet time once and realized that Jesus washed 12o toes! He understood me as a mom wiping noses, changing diapers, etc. Seems he has such integrity–he never asks me to do what he has not already done! “If I being the Lord washed your feet, so you should do to one another.”

He was a humble, servant leader, and so I must have such honor and integrity with my children. It is in serving them and honoring them that they develop a desire to respond to me.

However, training was moment by moment–every day. For instance, when child whined, we took them away–away to their bedroom or if we were at someone’s house, to a private room or bathroom. (What is the matter? Mommy and Daddy are allergic to ‘whiny” voices. I cannot listen to you until you can talk in normal voice. (And then we put them in their crib or hold them firmly and quietly until they could get control.

When they were disrespectful to either one of us or to someone else, we immediately corrected them and said, “How should you have said that to your brother, Father or whatever.” Children should not be allowed the freedom to be rude or to be disrespectful–grace-based parenting doesn’t mean that you don’t do anything, it just means that you don’t primarily use the paddle for everything. We would always pick up our child if they were disrespectful to either one of us and made them immediately do what we had asked. “Tell Daddy you are sorry you disobeyed. Now I will take your hand and I will help you pick up the toy he asked you to pick up. Please do it now.” If the child did not comply, we worked with them until they did comply–right then and until the child complied. Do not train a child to throw fits or to cry or throw tantrums. And do not excuse behavior that you have decided is not acceptable.

But do consult the list below to see if you are provoking a child and testing them beyond their ability to control themselves. Each child requires prayer and thoughtfulness as they all have different personalities and your goal is to reach the child’s heart with your training–to give them a desire to do well according to their own heart-felt motivation and needs, personality, gender and age. And be sure that your discipline is appropriate to the offense–a strict voice and long spanking and discipline should not happen for a child who has been careless or done something small–correction and consequences or doing it over is more appropriate–if you make every thing a big deal, your children will learn to dread you.

I have been really reacting lately every time I see a policeman. Our town is giving out as many tickets as possible to make up for lack of taxes on certain issues. So many tickets are given each day and police cars are everywhere (lots of articles and complaints have been in the local news.) I was wondering if this is how children feel when they have parents who are over bearing and authoritarian–dreading seeing their parents because they know their parents will find something wrong! How terrible to be afraid to be with your parents because they correct every single thing you do–that would be terrible in a friendship, marriage, or as a child–there must be grace in the midst of life.

Part 2 tomorrow

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Family, Mothering

A Mission, A Mom Heart, and a Great Giveaway! Part 1

November 9, 2010 by Sally 6 Comments

Warsaw, Poland, 1979, Ala, now director’s wife of all of Campus Crusade Eastern Europe and the former Soviet Countries. Gosia, wife of director of Poland, and then all of Russia for many years, her sweet sister who is now with the Lord and me, who had the privilege to be a small part of training them.

“All authority has been given to me in heaven and in earth. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, and teach them to observe all that I commanded you, and lo I am with you always.” Matthew 28:18-20

As a young woman, starving for love and purpose, when a stranger shared Christ with me, as a freshman in college, I knew that I had found my life purpose and my God. He flooded my heart HIs unconditional love that he offered to me as His child. I understood very early in my Christian life, that being a Christian and follower of Christ would require my whole life–not just Sundays, or Christmas or Easter–but all of me for all of my life.

Becoming a believer in the Lord Jesus, was a calling to His ways and His priorities, not just salvation to serve me when I died. And so I was taught at a very idealistic time in my life, my years as a college student, to love as Jesus loved (those God brought into my life), to see as Jesus saw (He looked out on the multitudes and had compassion on them) and to do as Jesus did–to go into the world to redeem those who didn’t know of His great love and redemption and purpose. I was “all in.”

After spending 2 years working with college students, I was asked to move to Eastern Europe when it was still Communist, to “Make Disciples.” And so for 3 years, I was a single missionary and worked in Austria, Romania, Hungary, Poland, Yugoslavia, and the Czech Republic. I eventually moved into Warsaw to help train our first two Eastern European staff women so that they could be involved in a movement to their own countries. (These women listed above.)

It was an amazing time of seeing God open doors to many who became Christians and began to have a profound impact on their countries for Christ. I learned that when a normal person comes to the Lord and says, “Here are my fish and loaves. Use me wherever you can,” amazing results will come about, beyond our own limited abilities. I was so very young and immature, but sincere and passionate. So meeting with students and sharing all that was on my heart, I saw God mold women into godly leaders, who eventually were used to influence the lives of thousands of other women in numerous foreign countries. His using the “small ones” to confound the darkness. And so this would become a paradigm when I learned to apply this principle of faith in the discipleship in my home.

My precious friend, Gwen, and I, in Krakow, Poland,in 1978, praying for disciples!

A PARADIGM SHIFT

Fast forward. After cutting my teeth on teaching and training adults in these countries for a total of 6 years, I got married to a spiritually excited man who was also committed to ministry. Our heart was always, “Lord, show us where you want us to go to share Christ, to teach the word, and to help believers mature in their faith and in their calling to bring your kingdom to reflect in their lives.”

Because, I (we) had been involved in missions, teaching and speaking and working with adults all over the world, I assumed the Lord would send us into a large international city, again to work with leadership development. But, long story short, the Lord told us there was a “people group” that was being neglected–a group so very important to Him.

CHILDREN

Scripture started sticking out to us as we prayed for God to bless us with children.”Children are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.” Psalm 127

“And He blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.” Genesis 1

“And He said, “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18: 3-5

When, upon returning to the United States, Clay and I lived in California, we saw this neglected group first hand–children. Slowly, the philosophy of the 60′s and 70′s sexual revolution and break down of families, abortion became an accepted choice, feminism and the independence of women and their need to have equal pay, left children somewhat as victims of many sweeping changes in our culture. Children were being aborted at an astounding rate, or given up to day care as infants, being pulled apart as divorce went up to 50%; dragged around from one set of partners to another in “free love” partnerships; eventually, 39% of all babies born would be to single mother families where a father was not even present. They were considered burdens, that took time and money, and yet their eternal worth and magnificent design were undermined and shoved to the side of mainstream life. People would never have voiced this as the intent of their hearts, but Christians were being swept in the current of a river of contemporary humanistic values along with the rest of the world.

It seemed to us that everyone else had someone to champion their cause: women, minorities, persecuted peoples, refugees–and yet children, the hope of the future, the very soul and life of the adults of the next generation–were being thrown aside to fend for themselves, unprotected and undervalued–even in Christian arenas. Of course Satan would love to devalue children, the very ones who were made in the image of God.

We knew instinctively in our hearts, that just as one would never expect seeds thrown into the wind to become a beautiful garden, so children thrown to the winds of a humanistic, self-centered, atheist, materialistic culture would not become healthy, growing human beings if they were tossed into the winds of culture, un-nurtured, unprotected and unguided.

A NEW KIND OF MINISTRY

God seemed to whisper into my ear, “I want you to leave “the ministry”–a fruitful, exciting, speaking and leadership ministry to adults and stay home to learn the foundational “ministry of motherhood.” The Lord clearly impressed Clay’s heart, “Build a ministry to train parents how to view their family as the most important ministry they would be held accountable for in heaven.”

This was the ministry arena in which He would direct us and where He wanted us to work.

It all happened very suddenly. At almost 31, holding in my arms, a miracle, crafted inside of me, a soul that would last for eternity, placed our hands as a stewardship, I was deeply transformed forever. Baby Sarah was fragile, dependent and would look to us to whisper into her heart and mind the secrets of the kingdom of God, to teach her true foundations about God, His design for her life, her place in the world.

Sarah now!

But we also understood, that we would be held responsible for the education of her mind by exposing her to the best thinkers in the world; to give her emotional health and a clear understanding of how to be a godly friend by showing her the loyal, healthy love of marriage and family; and to train her to the strategic roles of wife, mother; to train her character to allow her to have integrity and a work ethic and experience at ministry first hand. —

Any great work always requires great sacrifice and a commitment of time and attention. And so such an investment would be required to give our little child the best we could give, to prepare her to be strong in her world for Christ–that she could also be one who would preserve righteousness in her lifetime. And so it became our foundation for the next three precious ones that God placed into our lives and home–a new kind of call to disciple and build world leaders who would invest their lives for God’s kingdom–Family Discipleship.

The Holy Spirit revealed to me that my service of worship to God, was to stay at home and build disciples and leaders for the next generation in my very own home. And to learn the ways of His wisdom and to practice integrity so that in His time, it would become a message of my heart and one that He gave me from His heart.

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!

Filed Under: Child Training, Family, Home, Ministry, Mothering

What a grumpy 2 year old, a hormonal teen and an overwrought mom have in common

November 8, 2010 by Sally 17 Comments

“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.” Colossians 3:12-14

Committed motherhood is for me a holy calling of God. I believe that I am a steward of my children given by Him to me, entrusting me to love, instruct them, train them, provide for them in such a way, that they may go into their adult lives emotionally healthy, loving God and serving His Kingdom purposes.

But there are times when, seemingly out of the clear blue sky, I spew all over my children and it isn’t a pretty sight. The life-venom of giving, serving, cleaning, cooking, correcting, staying up late, putting up with messes, consumes my patient feelings and slowly depletes my rational, mature brain cells, builds up slowly inside and suddenly takes over and spills anger over to everyone in my wake. I always feel terrible when I have raged about. Chastising myself for hours, I curl up in a dark cloud and wonder why I even try.

I do not need a lecture from someone telling me I have been immature, out of control, unreasonable and unloving. I already know that. No one needs to tell me I have acted in an immature way and that my words hurt the hearts of those I love.

But, what I long for, is gentleness, patience–someone to tenderly place their arms around my shoulders, to look into my eyes with the compassion of understanding how I feel, words of “Grace, sweet one, you are forgiven. All will be well,” is what I really need.

Longing for a magical wand that can wipe away the moments when I irrationally became a fount of harshness and anger is what I really wish I had–to make it all go away.

Wishing for another mom who says, “You are not alone, I am guilty of raging in the tempests of my own life, and yet, when I went to my children and asked for forgiveness, they were ready to extend their love to me and to redeem our relationship once more.”

And then I need a maid, a waitress and a day away to be an adult again, but that is not in the budget of my minutes and days. Instead, I will be comforted with…

Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, as Paul so eloquently wrote.

And so, I have observed my little toddlers, exhausted, over-stimulated, wrapped in a cloud of selfishness, who fall apart in fits of screaming. I am not talking about the normal minutes of the days when they need training, correction and guidance. I am speaking of those absolutely beyond rational thinking–meltdowns.

A warm, blanky embrace, wrapped in arms of love and a softly sung, whispered words of love, a rocking chair moment of grace, a cool, soothing sip of juice–this is what is deeply longed for and needful to a heart out of control.

And then there are the moments in the lives of my teens when they seem to erupt, attitudes all over everything normal–”Everyone eats too much in this house! If they didn’t eat so much, we wouldn’t have such a mess of dishes in the sink,”–as they slam around the kitchen. Or just an emotional eruption with unkind words, glances that could kill, dark clouds that seem to hover.

I have found that “a gentle answer turns away wrath.” Like me, these precious children do not need to be told that they are being mean-spirited and unkind. They already know that. Perhaps, like me, the trials of life, the challenges, the burdens of school and chores, the insecurities of trying to fit in with an ocean of other teens seeking to find their footing, seeking an unsure future, and the raging of new hormones–all of these overcame them and they also spewed.

This is a time when, “I love you, appreciate you, understand. You are acceptable, I believe in you. You are not all “bad” but you had a bad day. I am so glad you are mine,” words of kindness and compassion are needed.

At times like these, putting on a heart of love, will bring us back to a perfect bond of unity. Love will heal, love is the answer and the balm and the grace to keep going. Love through a mug of hot chocolate or tea, a written note of “I am so glad you are mine. I love you.” A moment to laugh, love, share tears and restore–these are the deepening moments of bonding forever to hearts that bear the compassion of Christ.

These are the moments when true hearts are knit together–Oh to be known, truly known, in all of our limitations, and to still be loved–that is soul satisfaction.

Love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish,…………………..

Filed Under: Child Training, Family, Mothering, Parenting, Relationships

A bag of tricks

November 2, 2010 by Sally 11 Comments

I was sitting behind a young mom at church the other day who was holding a large 2 1/2 year old in her lap for an hour and a half. The little girl in her lap seemed sweet natured but wiggly, giggly, active and talkative–in a normal tone of voice. I admired the mom holding her, but know that she was worn out after the service.

When my children were various ages, we often found ourselves in places–not just church, where they needed to be quiet or sit still–in the car when I was talking to friends, at doctor’s offices and church and concerts and restaurants. I found that if I prepared them ahead of time and told them what to expect and how long it would take it helped them immensely to be able to be quieter.

I wanted them to learn that church was a holy place–where out of honor to God, we would use a quiet voice, very gentle actions and that they were such “big” girls and “boys” for being able to sit still to show God honor. Training, training, training all the time before they were in a place where I had expectations of them.

I also traveled with a bag of tricks, to so speak, that was never used for any other occasion. Depending on the age of the child, there would be a boxed juice and little container of cheerios or gold fish or small fruit leather–only to be used at the later part of their patience. Colored pencils when they were older, puzzle books, I spy books, finger toys for babies, as well as soft blankies to comfort. Joel was my car man and he loved, loved drawing and or just holding toy cars. He drew a million jeeps in his growing up years. I had a sketch pad for each one. All were quiet toys to be used when they needed to be quiet or sit still. The food and drink were only used in appropriate places and appropriate times. But I always kept this bag loaded in the car and looked at the dollar store for new stickers or little quiet things to add so there would always be something new.

At Christmas, Clay once ordered each of the kids a Land’s end travel bag with their name on it–in different colors for each child. The he spent a couple of months filling each bag with paper airplane books, books on tape with a small cd player, challenges, mysteries, little toys, coloring books and quiz books and all sorts of treasures.

We kept each child’s brief case in the car and it gave them hours and hours of pleasure over the years when we were on trips and when they were waiting on us. We never used dvds in the car as we didn’t want media to become a habit when there were so many creative things to do. When the family culture is to listen to long books on tape in the car, all learn to improve their listening skills and it feeds their brains with great literature and exciting stories. You can accomplish a lot when you keep books on tape or other creative entertainment for the cd player. Teaching children to listen is all a part of shaping their appetites. If they are used to too much tv or movie entertainment, they will complain when they have to listen to a book or draw or stare out the window and imagine life. It is the moms and dads who build the habits for their children. All kids can learn to give up media if they are provided alternatives and if you hold to your decision. Never in the history of mankind did children have movies in the car till now.

I do not want to create guilt for anyone. We are all free to make the best decisions for our family. ( a strategic Winnie the Pooh saved us through many ear infections at home), In the car, there are so many things to see that offer food for thought and creativity and it is a great place to disciple your children with great conversation and great music. Especially during the junior high and high school ages. We reserve the right to say all ipods off when we want to talk or listen to something as a family. Because it is an expectation, our kids never questioned it.

It also taught our children that there were places to be quiet and to sit still and exercise self-control. We had lots of fun and to this day, they all travel with fun stuff to use on long trips and places where they will have to wait. (on the plane or a long car trip, my older children all download books on tape on their ipods, bring books, journals to write in and snacks.) Fun to see the habit stuck in their own adult lives.

Touch and back scratching can soothe a child that is ready to blow. My mom also taught me a trick when I was a little girl–she would take one of my hands and pull slowly on each finger until she had covered all ten and then she might do it again if needed.

The happiest children are those who are kept engaged by planning on the part of the parent and it trains children to learn to entertain themselves and to listen.