I Take Joy | Parenting

First time obedience, really? Revisited and A Giveaway of Heartfelt Discipline!

April 9, 2013 by Sally 311 Comments

My own children, (. 3 years ago!), on whom many philosophies of child discipline were practiced! And yet God’s grace covered our mistakes and they grew into healthy loving human beings by His grace!

I just wanted to tell all of you again just how much I appreciated your comments and emails in response to my questions. I will be printing it all out and try to figure out a plan for hitting as many subjects as I can.

However the next few days, I am going to be reposting some older discipline articles. The most common questions are about child discipline. I also want to promote the newest version of Heartfelt Discipline, which Clay finished a couple of months ago. It has been fully edited and has been rewritten in a number of places to give more clarity. I will also be giving away one copy each day of my discipline articles. So be sure to tell all of your friends about our giveaway and about Clay’s wonderful book. It will answer so many of your questions about Child Discipline, but from a discipleship perspective. I hope you enjoy these principles–I call them basic leadership principles. Let us know what you think.

And yet God’s grace covered our mistakes and they grew into healthy loving human beings by His grace!

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FIRST TIME OBEDIENCE, REALLY?

Often, the subject of child discipline comes up as I am working with young parents. I do not have the time to answer all of my email or comments as I must stay focussed on my own family and I will not be able to answer all the questions this article will raise, so please understand my time limitations. But I do offer this as some of my own thoughts on childhood discipline and hope that in some way, it may be of encouragement. My blog below is a mish-mash of some of my thoughts–but hope you can make some sense of it!

A Need for Guidance

Well-meaning parents all over the world have tried throughout the centuries to try to figure out the right formula or wisdom to use in raising up a godly, responsible, emotionally and spiritually healthy child. It is right to desire to find a way to love, educate, train and discipline a child to help him become mature.

However, in our culture, so many young couples do not live around their parents, do not have good models of what a healthy family looks like, and so they look to “authorities” to find their answers–people who speak or write books. (Scary thought, since that is what Clay and I do!)

Formulas do not work!

Most parents are looking for a formula–a one easy step guide to instantly raising up an obedient child, a one size fits all.

But, over the years, I have heard so many extreme talks about child training and I have also seen many young immature parents follow rigid, formulaic parenting philosophies and I have lived to see many children rebel, leave all the training of their parents and even turn their hearts away from God.

The parents wring their hands saying, “I don’t understand. I followed all the books and did it just like they said!”

Thinking Biblically

However, when we learn to think Biblically, we must learn to live by faith and in wisdom in the raising of our children. If God had wanted us to follow a formula, He would have given one and made it clear so that we could use the ten easy rules to pop out perfect children. But He made each person with a different personality, different maturity level, different ability.

Scripture is much more long term about maturity than we usually want to understand. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not fall away.”

“The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full day.” A path of life parenting that allows for more and more light to show forth with each passing year.

In Hebrews we read about the mature and immature–about babes who are still drinking milk and not yet ready for solid food–and here the context is of a young Christian and a mature one–allowing for growth.

I tend to look at my children through this lens, “It is the kindness and mercy of the Lord that leads to repentance.” Romans

An Issue of the Heart

First, we must understand that all discipline should be focussed on the heart–not the behavior. Over 800 times in scripture, God talks about the heart–Love the Lord with all of your heart. God searches to and fro for a heart that is completely his. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. and so on. And yet I see many extraverts being disciplined for being louder and more talkative (not rebellion–a personality issue–or boys for being boys–moms who want them to behave like a little lady, etc.)

But God is concerned with our desire to love and obey Him, he already knows we are immature and that we take time to understand His ways. Jesus was patient with Peter and said, “Satan has desired to sift you like wheat,” He predicted that Peter would fall–and Jesus was totally supportive of his disobedient, immature disciple—He said, “I have prayed for you, and after you have returned, strengthen the brethren.” In other words, “I know you will blow it, but I will be with you, I will pray for you, I will still use you.”

And so, when we discipline our children, we must learn to look at their hearts. Is their heart rebellious? Are they being willful? Am I expecting too much for them–their age, their level of over-stimulation, the circumstances, their maturity level, their abilities? A child should not be punished for being exhausted, immature, a boy, or for making a mistake. I make mistakes all the time, again and again. And yet scripture teaches in the new testament and the old that maturity is as a result of training, time, growth, heart and will.

Reading and understanding the way babies and children respond at different ages helped to inform my expectations. I remember that I read an article that said that the average 2 year old took between 30 seconds and a minute to have some messages sink in if they were engaged in their brain somewhere else. And so often, Moms can be very strict with their children and harsh when sometimes the child has not even understood yet just what he is doing wrong. Harshness does not win over a child. Neither does wanting a 2 year old to be more mature than he can be and so punishing him for being 2. We must use wisdom and discretion to understand the situation, the heart of a child, and how to best train him according to our wisdom, faith and training of the child. It is the kindness and mercy of God that leads to repentance. Child discipline should always be based on a relationship between a mature, benevolent, loving parent who is seeking to lead his child to maturity, to train his child to think in the direction of righteousness and to train his behavior little by little.

The mature parent should consider the state of the child, his emotional needs, physical needs before meting out harsh discipline.

Formulas like “First Time Obedience” do not necessarily reach the heart!

I was speaking at a conference once and the speaker before me was plying the audience with all sorts of guilt. This speaker said, “If you don’t require first time obedience every time from your children, then you are disobeying God and you will be responsible for losing your child’s heart and tempting him to rebel against God!” Many men in the audience cheered loudly and clapped. I could just see the harshness that would follow in their homes because a speaker had given them permission to be harsh and demanding, every time with children, without ever teaching these parents sympathy, wisdom, skill and understanding with their children, their ages, their paths of life.

But Really? Can you cite me verse and give context that says God always requires first time obedience without mercy? I am thankful that He is much more patient with me than that in my own life. I have made so many mistakes over the years and done such foolish things, and still He is there loving me, instructing me, showing me his compassion and gently leading me daily to better understand His holy and righteous standard for me. God reveals one issue of immaturity at a time and I learn slowly. He has never pointed out all of my weaknesses and disobedient attitudes at once–and if He did, I would be devastated.

There seems to be no exact Biblical evidence that this is a true “rule.” Of course I believe in training our children to obedience and to teach them to have the highest of standards, and often it meant training them to learn to obey us as we requested something of them, by training them to learn to respond to us and obeying quickly as they learned and matured.

The reason Deuteronomy 6-8 talks about us speaking to our children morning, noon, night and presenting truth and the gospel to our children every moment of the day, is that training is to be a whole-life passing on of values and obedience and wisdom, a morning, noon and night—let’s live together in fellowship and relationship and you will see that I have your best in mind and I will teach and train you how to be mature, wise and excellent.

It is a process of love, consistency, patience, and repeating over and over and over and it takes many years for a child to become mature. Maturity and integrity are also issues of the heart and motivation that comes from responding to the teaching and instruction given in love and mutual respect.

Ignorance produces harshness

The unfortunate thing is that many parents, in the name of faithful discipline, do not understand the differences between babies or toddlers or young children or even teens with all of their hormones, and they exhibit anger and harshness toward their children, act in a demeaning way, while neglecting the cues of the child at each stage. These parents have no perspective for the children themselves–they use a rule and formula no matter what–and often wonder why their children to not respond to them.

But, this kind of one rule discipline neglects the child’s basic well being. If children are exhausted or overstimulated by television or other children, they are naturally more hostile or out of control. A wise parent will tend to his child’s need for rest, quiet, rhythm, balanced blood sugars and understand hormones or emotions, and personality. Often I see children disciplined for things the parent has neglected–their physical and emotional needs—when the child’s behavior is often a direct message to the parent of a basic need that has been neglected.

Biblical discipline must take a long time to secure the heart–many years of constant loving training and instruction. We had very high standards for our children, but our discipline was always viewed through a lens of relationship as the strong basis of our discipleship of our children. Without a close relationship, discipline is quite unproductive.

A parent must live by faith, trust in God, wisdom, and patience. I spent many hours on my knees praying, seeking God, learning new ways of His parenting with me as I parented my children. It was a process of growing in wisdom. My children are all very different in personality and ability, and yet, by God’s grace, all have come to love us and do deeply love the Lord. But we had to raise each of them up in love, by faith and treat them according to their own personality bent. And the basis of our home was God’s unconditional love and grace.

Lack of Basic Knowledge

I have also observed often, lately, precious moms who do not even know how to treat little ones. I was walking down the hallway of a hotel several months ago in California and a sweet, very young, exhausted mom was exasperated and shaking her 4 month old baby, saying loudly, “Go to sleep, go to sleep!” At which point the exhausted baby cried louder and louder. The baby was her first child.

I offered to hold the baby for a few minutes and to give the mom a break. She quickly gave the baby to me. I held the baby tightly in my arms and held it against my cheek and gently rubbed its head while singing softly into his little ear, and swaying gently back and forth. Immediately the little one relaxed its stiff body and listened to my voice and within 5 minutes was soundly asleep.

She just had not been taught how to be gentle, affectionate, or personal. It scared me a little to think of the future of this little child.

I also observed that my very introverted, creative child took longer, even as a baby to focus on me. I learned to work with his personality and to get on his eye level, gently get his attention and clearly state what my expectations were. He was happy to comply, but he did not always hear me the first time. (He now my absent-minded professor who composes music and still has a great heart to obey and to please me.)

My third son, I eventually learned, was adhd, and ocd and a few other letters. But being harsh never, never made his more mature or able to change his behavior. I learned that the more I poured into his life–affection, time, listening, talking, the more able he was to obey. I learned that if I was patient and gentle and helped him–holding his hand, using words of encouragement, gentleness, I could lead him in obedience.

My husband, Clay, wrote an excellent book, called Heartfelt Discipline and many have said that it changed their lives. It will be back in print next summer.

When babies are touched and loved and sung to and talked to and have regular routines and regular, healthy diets, they are much more happy all the time and responsive to instruction. However, when a child has not received these basic needs, the only means of a child letting his parents know he is not happy or comfortable with his life is to whine or cry. When I am around generally healthy children whose needs have been met, it is obvious because they seem more content with life. All children are immature and will misbehave, and pages and pages could be written about the subject, but these are just a few of my thoughts.

My last thoughts on this today and then I must run to my day. Jesus’ life is my example. There was a lost world because His children rebelled against Him–no first time obedience. But His love and compassion was so much a part of His character and being, He was compelled to come to save us. He fellowshipped with His disciples, loved them, listened to them, confronted them, corrected them, fed them, taught them, and laid down His life for them. Because of their relationship with Him, and their love for them, they were willing to lay down their life for Him and His kingdom.

His love compelled them–it was a long-term process, this one of securing their obedience and hearts, but their hearts wanted to please Him and obey Him because of what He had meant to them. And so I did write Ministry of Motherhood, reflections on Jesus’ method to secure the hearts of His twelve. It has been a study over many years. And today, from my quiet time, I am again humbled and blessed by His active, redeeming, sacrificial love that redeemed me.

His model to me as a parent, “Greater love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for his friend.”
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Filed Under: Child Training, Family, ITJ Giveaway, Joyful Life, My Books, Parenting

When will they stop fussing? Love must be trained, to grow! Way # 5

March 25, 2013 by Sally 12 Comments

joel and joy piano

Joel and Joy, playing and singing again.

There was a time, actually some years, when I wondered if Joy and Joel could go for a day without chafing each other. Whatever personality issues lay between them, add a little sin nature and age difference, and life would find them often correcting each other’s opinion or thoughts or heating toward high friction.

Some of my best memories the past two years, though, have been seeing them come to the piano again and again–playing, singing, harmonizing for literally hours–as they are both singer-songwriter types; seeing Joel coach her as she practiced her speeches and then spending hours judging at her speech and debate tournaments; coaching and encouraging each other through life, loves, thoughts, and becoming real, down deep friends.

Same with Sarah and Nate, or Joy and Sarah or Joel and Nate, …, you get the picture!

Moms often say to me, “When are they ever going to stop fussing? Will they ever be friends?”

It does take longer than any of us would want, but training is the key to training the heart’s response.

But, as I have paraphrased in other principles–love is not natural, it is supernatural. Love is a choice, an obedience. It grows when self is put away again and again. Love is a choice practiced over and over again–in order to build a strong “love muscle.”

And yet, Jesus says that love is the very reality that will separate us from the world, because love is such an exceptional light in a sea of dark relationships–that we would actually show love for one another is the way He said we would win the world.

As he said, “They, (the world), will know you are my disciples by your love for one another.”

The reason people would know that something was different about believers in Christ is that love is not natural to normal people–love is not normal in this world where divorce, law suits, violence in homes, separation of friendships, petty fussing and fighting, church splits, this is the norm.

That is why this week’s “way” is so very important.

“We love one another, treating others with kindness, gentleness and respect.” Way #5

Memory Verse:

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

I John 4:11-12

Love must become a trained habit. Living by feelings is not a choice, we must help our children to “become strong inside” by choosing what is right, beyond negative feelings. Living in submission to the power of the Holy Spirit, and choosing to practice love, is what is at stake here. Obedience to practicing love and learning to forgive is a pathway to maturity and a choice where God will provide strength in the midst of such a choice of obedience.

What we sow, we reap. And if we sow seeds of love, seeds of choosing to be kind, learning to be gentle and showing respect, we will empower our children to have strong relationships. All of this must be taught, modelled, and then corrected and trained again and again.

The practice of learning to love goes on at home:

Is that the way to be kind, gentle and respectful to your sister? How could you have said that differently? What is our Family way about how we treat one another? Now, I want you to apologize and tell your sister that you love her.

weakly's clarksons church fun

Some of our besties–even friends offend each other.

Friends must also become a place of practicing loving.

I know you feel like your friend irritated you and was unjust–but our verse says, “Since God loved us, we also ought to love one another. So, could you find it in your heart to forgive your friend? Mama has quarreled with her friends before, too. I know it hurts your feelings. But since God forgave me, I knew He wanted me to forgive my friend. Can I pray for you and your friend? ……….Now, let’s surprise her and write her a nice note about how glad you are that she is your friend and maybe we could take her a plate of cookies?”

If we separate from our friends just because of quarrels, then we are teaching our children that we don’t have to love everyone–we only have to love the people who we feel like loving–and then your training of this verse and family way becomes null and void.

What we model as adults is the integrity of our teaching them to follow our ways.

(And even in those irrational relationships with family, believers and others who will not speak to you anymore or who have decided to be at enmity to you, you must model restraint–show respect because you are a child of Jesus. Show your children what it looks like to respect even those who have offended you and sinned against you. When you model unconditional love in front of your children, they know deep in their hearts that you are choosing to control your feelings in order to sow love–and guess what, that is exactly how they will behave when they are tested as adults–because they learned integrity from you!)

loving Clay

Oh no, you mean I even have to model this way in marriage?

All marriages have stress and ups and downs. This is the training grounds for parents to practice unconditional love in front of their children. Way 5, loving because He first loved us- is not something that just the children are required to follow–even we must follow our Family ways, especially in marriage–sowing love and grace, kindness, gentleness and respect with our spouse, even when our feelings disagree. This is the training grounds for greatness for our children.

When they hear the truth of the way and learn the verse, then when they see that in their home, forgiveness is practiced over and over again; saying your sorry and giving respect and restoring the relationship; choosing to act and speak in respectful ways, prepares your children to:

Stay loving and faithful and forgiving in marriage

to be a loyal and faithful friend

to get along and learn how to honor and handle others at work

In short, training a child to choose to love by showing kindness, gentleness and respect will prepare them to go before kings or paupers and to become leaders in their generation. This is one of the most important areas of training, so that our children can learn how to influence people with the messages of Christ–it starts with an attitude that says, “God has designed me to love people, to be humble like He was, to show respect and kindness.”

Did fussing irritate me? Of course–drove me crazy!

Did I ever wonder if my children would get along? Thousands of times.

Did I wonder what I was doing wrong? Of course I did.

But training is a matter of process and maturity. And it really is going in deep in their hearts.

But training them to love is not about forcing them and yelling at them–but training, correcting, loving, modeling and doing it all over again, until this is a true value of their soul.

But it does work and God will knit together your family, because it is deeply in their souls–His way and design for them.

I am not quite sure when the “magic” of my children really loving each other and enjoying each other and really loving to be together happened, but it is a gift and a result of the seeds we planted and watered over many years.

Even last night, Nathan rang us at 10:30 and we had a 20 minute, face time–me on the couch, showing the dog, getting 3 of us in camera site at once–just to be together and “jaw.” We giggled, shared, talked and loved once again as a community of Clarkson’s. The fruit was sweet to my mama heart.

This training is an over and over and over again issue, but I must say now, fighting hard for this way to become the “way” of their hearts is one of the sweetest harvests of training, because now we have all become best friends.

Filed Under: Bible Studies, Child Training, Children, Joyful Life, Mothering, Parenting

Wonderful Nathan, chasing God in a world that longs for light

August 15, 2012 by Sally 13 Comments

A REAL LIFE STORY OF GOD WORKING THROUGH A MAN WITH DREAMS

But He [Jesus] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. -2 Cor. 12:9

As long as I can remember, Nathan, my 19 year old son, (now 23!) has been acting. He would listen to me read stories of heroes and adventure, and then he would don the bright blue cape I had made him from a yard of material. He would become that hero. Superman was the most prominent of stories that he heard somewhere along the way. “Mom,” he would say, “Superman is like Jesus. He came from a far off place to redeem the world and get rid of all of its bad people and rescue those who needed help. I want to be a superman someday.”

Nathan would garnish his sword and wield it high, and act out and dramatically host radio dramas, and dream of his valiant stories of heroism. As the years progressed, he and I would still cuddle close and become captivated in tales of great people and those who shaped history. Stories of those who fought off the darkness and brought light, were his favorite. Nate started foraying out into the world of teenagers. There were some bumpy roads along the idealistic pathways through teenage-hood, but as he grew, he continued to stretch in his desire to reach those who needed light and the goodness of God. My pied-piper, charming son developed many friends.

Hungry for direction, affirmation and in need of light, redemption and restoration, many flocked to our home because of him. “Mom,” he would say, “I want to be a light and I am praying for God to open doors in music or acting or performance of some kind.” He pursued shining that light in the darkness of many lost friends. Nate practiced making wise decisions and grew from inevitable mistakes. Mounting up experience in faithfulness and faith, even amidst the difficult pressures he was facing, stretched and shaped his soul to become more like Jesus. Dreaming of a time when God would open doors, he worked as a pizza delivery guy, very shortly as a Starbucks barrista and saving money at a landscaping job every day. So for two years, he has prayed and waited and worked. Often, I wondered how realistic it was, and supposed perhaps his dreams would fade away. Late night discussions were filled with hopes and dreams and the sharing of hearts.

And so we prayed with him, that God would open doors. Nate stayed unflinchingly strong. “God will open his doors in His time, Mom.” I kept praying for God’s will in the life of this idealistic young man, but couldn’t imagine just how it would happen. We live in Colorado, not exactly the mecca of the music industry or the movie and television capitol of the world.It seemed I knew hundreds of youth who had such dreams, and yet he was my son, so I prayed because he wanted us to and because he prayed.

When I prayed, I was confronted with fears— the terrible secularism and garbage of the media. It wasn’t the place Clay and I had dreamed of sending our children. But we kept praying and Nate kept praying and telling us that He knew God would open a door.

So, in April, in the midst of too many activities and responsibilities. two different friends called me and told me about a national Christian group who was auditioning local talent. I didn’t follow up because it was just a commercial on a Christian radio station and I thought it was probably just a way for an agency to make money on all the “want-to-be’s” who were hopefuls for the acting and music industry. But, both of my friends who had been praying with me for Nathan, called three times, unbeknownst to each other! Finally, one morning, my friend called and said, “Sally, it’s on the radio in 5 minutes. You need to listen to the interview and decide for yourself–after all, Nathan has been praying for 2 years for God to open the doors.

So, I went to my car to listen, since I couldn’t get my indoor radio to work! After listening to the interview with the leaders of the organization, I decided that it couldn’t hurt to audition. So, off we went where Nate had to prepare a monologue and have an interview. After the audition, we were invited to a national conference in Orlando where 890 talented people from 4–65 would be showcased before agents, casting directors, music companies and other industry leaders. No smoking, drinking or immodest clothing allowed at the conference. Clay and I made a step of faith to support Nathan in this endeavor because of his faithfulness to us and to the Lord.

After 12 weeks of input and training, we flew to Orlando. Morning, noon and night, people competed-while all the parents supported and prayed and hoped for a good outcome for their children. Nathan was particularly excited about the Monologue competition and the singer-songwriter competition, though he participated in 9 all together. (he had never had more than 3 months of piano so I knew he was depending on his own faith in his internal confidence in the song he would sing and play on piano!)

By God’s grace Nate made the showcase talent show where just 40 were presented–dancers, models, singers and actors. This meant that about 90 leaders in the industry got to see these contestants one extra time. I was on pins and needles as Nate got up to perform his song in front of 1800 people . He sang from the bottom of his heart with poise and confidence I can say only came from his trust in the Lord’s strength.

Lots more to tell, but the bottom line is: he received a scholarship to the school in New York he was hoping to attend; he was approached by 5 other large industry agencies who want to give their execs a chance to hear his music and two agencies who want to represent him for possible jobs in acting, modeling and performing that will come up in New York. And, a godly young man, who is very well known in his field and established in the industry, approached Nathan to be a part of a discipleship group he was starting in the fall for young men to have a witness together in the industry in New York. Now, we are home and trying to figure out how to move Nate there by September and Joel to Nashville and Clay and I both writing a book and speaking in Canada and feed everyone and attend Joy’s performance from a drama camp and take care of the medical issues and and and you know the story! But I am so grateful that there are open doors after waiting and believing with our sweet third child.

So, I learned that it is not just my prayers the Lord hears, but always the fervent prayers and hopes of my sweet children. Nate acted as though he was not surprised at all. “Mom, there needs to be light in the industry. I have been praying every day for God to open doors. And He did! I am so grateful for the amazing things God did. But I was always leaning on him and trusting in His power!”

So, now, one more faith step as we send him off to New York in September. Please pray for Nate if he comes to mind. I know the Lord will be with him in his Babylon as He was with Daniel. I hope and pray my sweet son will make Daniel choices.

***********************************************************************

I wrote this story several years ago. As many of you know, since then, Nathan wrote a book about his time in New York City where God met him, amidst all the glitz and glitter. Wisdom Chasers, where God whispered in his ear to follow hard after him through all the pathways He would lead Nathan, is filled with personal stories of his journey of faith as a young man.

The years have matured him, taught him to become a warrior in a place of much spiritual and moral battle, and the discipline in endurance in pursuing the dreams God put on his heart. As a mom, I would seek God and pray so very often for him. I had a choice to make–to believe in his dreams and to support this impossible pursuit or to tell him to live a more practical life.

But our home has been founded on the idea that God uses normal people who are filled with His Spirit, to bring his kingdom messages and light into all realms of the world. And so, I have become an advocate for Nathan–both before the throne of heaven and in daily life through phone calls, emails, visits and words of life. I believe that as Nathan walks with God and follows hard after Him, that God will use this talented young man in ways beyond my imagination. I am so very proud of Nathan staying strong, working hard and pursuing His God on a journey of faith.

In the past years, He became one of the head marketers for Dolphin Tale. God also opened doors for him to be in a variety of television shows, commercials, and movies and as an extra and with small parts. Cultivating faithfulness took him in so many directions, including becoming an blogger, writing music, cultivating friends and Bible study through his church and he continues to see God open doors.

Will you be so kind and generous as to pray blessing and open doors and God’s favor on my wonderful Nathan, as he continues to seek open doors where he might develop a testimony of God’s story in and through his life to those who are hungry and longing for a light in the darkness. I thank you with all of my heart because he is in a very challenging place, but his faith and hope send him daily to trust God and to continue to wait on His timing and blessing as he develops messages and works on books, music, messages and dreams.

So many of you have written of how his book encouraged you and your husbands and teens! Thanks for your kind letters. You may buy it here and know that you are helping support the dreams and work of this wonderful man, my sweet superman, dreaming son, Nathan! Thanks for praying for him!

Now, I will spend just a few more minutes tonight talking to God about Nathan, as he is freshly on my heart and since I cannot hug him, I will do the next best thing………

Filed Under: Family, Our Family, Parenting, Prayer

The Never Ending Issues of Life–how to endure gracefully

June 27, 2011 by Sally 22 Comments

Henry Heatherington Emerson

“Be strong, let your heart take courage, yes, wait on the Lord.” Psalm 27: 14

Daily duties cry out each Monday morning, as I slip down the stairs, still sleepy and in need of my morning cuppa. Still after all of these years, last nights late night dishes accost me–coffee cups, plates with dried on snacks, all sorts of Sunday evidence that we spend hours together relaxing, eating, laughing and messing–and now it must be dealt with, again.

Then there are the issues of life still there to greet me–the worries, money issues, problems with children, pressures on family and marriage–all still there, piled on when Monday morning comes and has a new week of challenges to greet me. Seems in the midst of all the chores that daily need to be done, there are always those bigger ones also hovering over us. Each of my older children are in a crucial period of waiting on God to move His hand of providence. Car purchases, waiting on marriage, jobs, taxes, bills, futures, as well as the demands of a teen fresh out in the world armed with her driver’s license and looking for places to venture to–and still each day, they live in my home, wanting to eat again, and wanting to wear somewhat clean clothes and still leaving trails of life all around.

When they were little, there were so many issues to worry about–discipline, training, health, education, exhaustion, loneliness…

Waiting, waiting,working, fretting, wondering–what is going to be the end to all of this? These people in my home with various issues, strengths, weaknesses, hopes, dreams and legacies of difficulty and more work?

Waiting on the Lord for answers and for life to change and for help to come has been my most common challenge throughout life–waiting to get married, waiting to get pregnant, waiting to have the baby, waiting for them to sleep through the night, waiting for them to be out of diapers, waiting for them to become more mature and responsible, waiting for them to read, waiting for life to someday be easier, more manageable, waitng for me to be mature some day…

How do we manage to exist through all of the mundane, the fretting, the fears with grace?

Learning to wait is a grace for a woman who fears God. Waiting with a gentle spirit is a miracle–a beauty, an acquired habit that comes with practice and experience. Choosing to take today in its stride–choosing to see the glory of the moment in the midst of frantic children, choosing to look for beauty and the fingerprints of God in the midst of the messes requires a heart decision–Psalm 27 says, “Let your heart take courage–let it–make it, choose to let your heart fill up its boots to the power of God’s abiding grace. Choosing to believe that my prayers have not hit the roof of my home and gone no further, but that God indeed is present.

I love Psalm 103–He is mindful that I am but dust. He knows my limitations. He knows my flawed personality. Yet, He is a Father who has compassion on his children–on me. He does not require my perfection, He requires my heart, my eyes turned toward Him. He is the grace that will make this day possible, this moment livable.

Always, my only hope and my only strength and my only way to cope has been an utter abandonment to God, knowing that if He doesn’t work, if He doesn’t move in the midst of us through His Holy Spirit, if He doesn’t take m paltry fish and loaves and make it into more than it really is, I do not have a hope of making it. I relinquish my desire to control and yield this moment, this day and hope that He will show up.

Feeling overwhelmingly weary, desperate and fearful in life is not a sin. But what we do with the weariness or fear or doubt is when sin becomes a possibility.

“For evil doers will be cut off, but those who wait on the Lord will inherit the land.” Psalm 37: 9

“Those who wait on the Lord will gain new strength, they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40: 31

One of the most important ways my children learn faith is to watch me wait, in grace, through all the trials of my life–but to wait–putting a flower in the vase, lighting a candle, surrounding our home with music, life, hope that says, “God will show up. He is with us. He hears us and will answer, and I am going to prepare the day by celebrating life looking to the time we will see and know His presence and faithfulness.

And yet, when I look back, I am amazed at how much I see how faithfully He has worked–to see the miracle of children grown, fine, loving, passionate about ideals–how did it all happen? To see the His hand that seemingly, seamlessly sowed my years together into a grace of a beautiful life of blessing, love and life–how did it all come about? One day at a time as He faithfully, lovingly brought all of my child-heart love and faith into a work of eternity.

Waiting with hope, in courage, patience, in love and humbly–it is the grace of the life of a godly woman that ends in seeing the miraculous hand of God, and she bows before Him, as the child with the basket of fish and says, “Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your miracle.”

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Filed Under: Family, Our Family, Parenting

Parenting: It all starts with your view of God

March 21, 2011 by Sally 38 Comments

Michelangelo–God at creation

Starting with the right foundations

If there was one legacy I wish I could leave to other women, it would be to help them think more Biblically. When a woman knows scripture–the whole counsel of scripture, not just verses here and there taken out of context. But gaining a Biblical understanding from Genesis to Revelation, then she has more confidence and ease in her walk with God. (It is also why I hope to give a good bit of my life in the next years to our leadership intensives where women will learn a little of Biblical instruction, foundations, prayer, Bible study–to follow God in our lives as we serve and love Him. More on that later this month.)

God makes it clear throughout scripture that his priority for us is to know Him and love Him with our whole heart and mind.

“Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, let not a rich man boast of his riches, let not a mighty man boast of his might, but let him who boasts, boast of this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the God who exercises lovingkindness and righteousness on the earth for I delight in these things.” Jeremiah 9: 23-24

And, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” Psalm 127

And so the starting point for any arena in our lives must be God–our worship of Him and knowledge of Him and obedience–a heart that wants to please God.

So, let me begin by praying for all who read this today. “Lord, I pray that each one who reads these blog articles will be led by you. I pray you will provide them with insight, skill, love, wisdom and the understanding of what it means to be filled with your Spirit and to walk by faith in this journey of motherhood. And bless them with strength, joy and a sense of affirmation in their great calling as parents. I come to you in the precious name of Jesus. Amen”

I do not pretend to have all of the answers to all of the questions that people may have. I feel even reticent to become any kind of an authority, and pray only that I may shed a little insight on what I have learned through the years, by walking this journey with God. I also do not want to place any unnecessary burden upon moms who are doing their best, seeking to find wisdom and can feel like failures, as though “It is too late. I have already messed up my children.”

God is the God of second chances and His whole nature is to love and redeem. So, know that He is in your home, He loves those who seek Him and obey Him and He is a God of compassion and will work in and through your life.

(Even as a Father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. Psalm 103: 13)

And, of course, I am not anxious to attract lots of comments from women who want to tell me why I am wrong or why I do not understand scripture.

But, in the spirit of Titus 2, and my own stewardship of what God has graciously taught me over the years, I write these articles with much trepidation and dependence on Him. But I do think that God would have all of us women, in the spirit of Titus 2, pass on truths that we have learned so that other women may have more direction and help in the shaping of their families and the loving of their husbands. I longed for a mentor when I was young and so hope, so for the sake of encouragement and to please Him, I hope I might shed some light on this path of parenting.

It all starts with your view of God

Ultimately, so much of what I lived and what I know to be true, I learned by reading scripture, pondering it, studying it, seeking to really know God and walking with Him. Pondering Christ, who is the perfect reflection of God, according to Hebrews 1.

As many of you know, I have often said, “In the absence of Biblical conviction, people will go the way of culture.”

Women will go the way of their church culture, media culture, family culture, peer culture–they will follow whoever is leading, unless they have developed their own convictions. We will listen to other voices if we have not learned to discern the voice of God. The problem with this kind of approach is that it leads to whims, to whatever way the cultural wind is blowing.

And so, when it comes to child training, if people have not had the opportunity to think Biblically or to study the word of God, and about what God is like, they will look to others for “truth.” Most people desire specifics–just give me the rule, the formula, the law, as we want this process to be easy and predictable.

Please know that I am not trying to offend anyone. I want to be of encouragement and help. Yet, I have noticed, too, that sometimes, those who are most emphatic and confident about formulas and rules and laws about child training are those who have young children, who have not lived a whole life-time of raising children to maturity. It was interesting to me how many comments I had from older women (under my article first time obedience, really) who said that they wish they had known the ways of grace based parenting because of the negative effects it had on their children and how much it incurred anger and rebellion in their children.

Then often times, good hearted parents, will just take the opinion of a writer or speaker or authority, who says some emphatic things about a subject and uses a few proof texts to add support. What this speaker says, becomes law and rules and a formula to follow. Period.

And then, sweet, devoted women live by the rules and feel guilty if they do not follow the rules to a t, as though they are failing their children if they do not conform to the sound bites and laws of the speaker they are following–the speaker’s voice is in their head.

However, in the Christian life, even in parenting, God gave us a brain to think, a conscience to nudge our hearts, the Holy Spirit who lives inside of us to guide us. All He asks is that we live by faith in him dependence on Him. And yes, I think through this process, God has given a mom intuition and a mom’s instinct for what is best for her child. God always loves to lead us and work through us by faith in relationship to Him and what He is impressing us to do, within the beautiful design of our femininity and womanhood. That is why it is crucial that we are spending time in His presence and seeking to build a foundation of conviction on scripture and knowledge of God.

And so begins a series of articles addressing some of the issues about child discipline that many have asked me to write.

Your parenting philosophy all begins with your view of God.

I know I will frustrate many of you by taking so long to explain the foundations of our philosophy, as you would rather me tell you the specifics of how I did it and why, by God’s grace, I was able to raise 4 children who are obedient and respectful to us and who love God and are seeking to serve Him in and through their lives. But, my own parenting of my four very different children was a process of seeking wisdom, studying scripture, listening to God, following other wise people. It was a process of relationship and love with Him, not following the formulas that it seemed most of my peers were following. We went against the grain of the culture we were surrounded by, and yet found the wonderful presence of God in our home as we sought Him.

But, I feel that one of the most foundational starting points, is that all of us see our children through a grid. A grid is the lens through wich you see life. And if we can define that grid, then it will determine how we behave in relationship to our children.

Do you see your children through a grid of them being a blessing from God? (psalm 127)

Do you see the fruit of the womb as a reward? (psalm 127)

How does one treat blessings and gifts?

We read in Mark 10: 16 that Jesus took the little children into His arms and blessed them. Do you bless your children and see that as a part of being Jesus to them? He said of little children, “of such is the kingdom of God.”

Jesus also said, “Woe to the one who causes the leasts of these little ones to stumble.” What would cause a little one to stumble?

So today, I leave you with this question?

How do you see your children? What informs your mind when you look upon their sweet faces? Do you see them through the eyes of Jesus? Do you focus on them as someone to police or correct–or someone to love and serve, understand, protect, love and instruct?

As in all great work, it requires so very much time, effort, work, fortitude, faith and patience. But raising Godly children is of the most important work in eternity.

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Family, Lifegiver, Mothering, Parenting, Trust in God

Kissing the Face of God

December 20, 2010 by Sally 3 Comments

This artwork by Morgan Weistling called Kissing the Face of God evokes awe in my heart as a mother. To think of cuddling the soft, warmth of a newborn, precious from my body and to understand that this wee one is also the transcendent who cast the universe in its place. This tiny one, God, needed the kisses and love and attention of His own mother. The print is one of many that graces this frame during advent season, and it is one of our favorites.

The artist has this to say about her print…

“This painting was first inspired by a song that I heard one day. Sometimes, hearing one phrase is all it takes, and then a flood of inspiration follows. The phrase ‘kissing the face of God’ immediately struck me with this powerful image of Mary and the Baby Jesus. It is an image that we have seen depicted many times, but never simply as a mother and her child with real tenderness. I started to contemplate the awesome privilege that Mary was given, being able to hold God in her arms, but also keeping in mind that He was still her baby. This cute little child whom she bore was also God in the flesh. And yet, she cuddled and kissed Him, just as all mothers do with their babies. This thought propelled me right into this painting which I wanted to be a very human representation of divinity. My prayer is that the viewer will be struck, as I am, with the amazing way that God chose to send His Son into this world — in pure humility.”

Mary has been on my mind lately. Our pastor delivered an insightful sermon about her Sunday. Then at the Christmas Tea for my monthly Bible study, we talked about Mary’s faith. God submitted himself to a fallen, dangerous world by becoming the most vulnerable creature, a baby who required protection, nurture, love and care from one He had crafted Himself.

God chose precious Mary to be His mother, the one who would daily mold the soul memories in the life of her beloved child and creator. That she would inform His earthly tastes for living; she who would worship God, her Father daily in front of her very own infant son, to share with Him in the glory God in her own home is the miracle of God incarnate, on earth as one of us. Mary’s humble beginnings, were from a common family, and yet she and Joseph were the ones entrusted to raise the son of God.

What a statement–that a normal family could be the very place holiness would be lived out, a place competent to hold and protect and shape the human side of the son of God. And so this speaks to us today–a normal family, dedicated to His life and righteousness, the place adequate to be the home of God. But there is an attribute about Mary which we may glimpse to see just what qualified her for the task. She had invested her life engaging in Scripture, pondering it, embracing it, owning it for her own soul.

What was Mary’s response when she met her cousin Elizabeth? Her words are recorded in Luke 1:46-55. She rejoiced! She called the Lord holy. She talked about His strength, His provision, and His help. Mary knew the God who called her to mother His Son. She called herself “His maidservant.”

This Christmas season, pray daily that He would make you His maidservant. Take time to read — really read — the Christmas story with your children, the precious ones God chose you to mother! End your reading time with a gentle kiss. May you be blessed as you minister to your sweet family.

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Congratulations to Heather Ashe and Stacie Nelson–the winners of the MOM HEART CONFERENCE DRAWING. We will be drawing for new winners in January. Stay tuned for the information on how you may enter.

Filed Under: Art, Beauty, Homemaking, Joyful Life, Parenting, Simplicity, Traditions

Part 2 of The Mystery of Discipline

November 22, 2010 by Sally 9 Comments

When we live by faith in so many areas of our lives, why would God not want us to live by faith in the area of discipline? In other words, with the Holy Spirit as our guide, wouldn’t it make sense that God would give us wisdom to understand the different personalities of our children and to adjust our discipline according to each of their needs? Wouldn’t He want us to reach the hearts and lives of our children in the same manner that He reached the heart of His disciples? By serving them, loving them, correcting them, teaching them, living with them in wisdom and truth and modeling integrity.

So, I give you part 2 of The Mystery of Discipline article I wrote to answer some questions I received from a group of moms.

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Words that build bridges of encouragement and affirmation

Appreciate their good behavior–”You are so very helpful. Thanks for picking up all your toys.” “You were so patient with your sister. Thanks for being such a great big brother–I couldn’t do without your help.”

We used consequences a lot with our children and then we were very consistent to follow up. “When you talk to an adult, you say, ‘yes, Mrs. Brown” and you look them in the eye and you do what they say.” If they misbehave, we would say, ‘what is our 24 family way about how we speak to authority?” (We trained our values into our children ever day by teaching them our way and giving them scriptural admonition–go here to see the 24 Family Ways in our bookstore to see what Clay wrote for our family.

We corrected a child’s behavior immediately. We often said, “You have a choice to make. If you stop your bad behavior right now, then we will keep playing at the park, but if you insist on fighting with your sister or brother, (or whatever), you will have to go sit in the car while everyone else plays. (And then I or Clay would go sit with the child–but usually our children learned to comply with our training if we were consistent. I do think, however, some parents are too harsh and impatient with their young children–2, 3, 4 years old. These are the questions that need to be asked first:

1. Has my child had enough sleep–do I need to punish them or put them to bed with harshness and unrealistic expectations because I have allowed them to become exhausted?

2. Is my child’s blood sugar low-do they need to eat or have I pushed them too far?

3. Is it past their bed time or nap routine?

4. Are they overstimulated by being with too many other children for too long and or by too much activity? (When children are in the presence of other children as toddlers and pre-schoolers, even more then two others at a time for over an hour, it takes their blood sugar almost 24 hours to normalize! ) Keep your children home, give them routine, let them play and exercise and tire themselves from natural play–not from being in front to the television or from being inside too much with too many other little children.

5. Have I been paying attention to my child–is his or her emotional cup full? Or have I been correcting them all the time and “whining” at them and they are badly behaved because I have not been attending to them?

6. Am I trying to make my little boy stop being a boy? (Boys are louder, more active, and slower to mature and not as apt to sit still–just takes a little more time and patience.)

7. Do I make an effort to sympathize with my child and enter his world–give him time to explore, nurse him or her, touch and tickle and show affection to them and hold them a lot?

8. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you–are you being fair? Positive and content and not yelling or whining or using guilt? Respect your child–meet your baby’s need to be held, nursed and picked up and you will have a happier toddler–children need lots of love and affection–when their needs are filled, they tend to be much easier to handle and quicker to comply–I spent so much time with my little ones at home and they were much easier to train than when I took them out every day and overstimulated them.

Now, if these basic needs are met, then a child is much more apt to be easily trainable. (When I am not overworked and my emotional cup is filled and I feel happy in my home and am appreciated and affirmed–I am a much better person–and so with my child. But when I am exhausted, spent and have neglected my personal well-being, I also am harsher, and shorter of temper. I have to maintain my own peace at home for them to find me peaceful.)

Loving, teaching, training, etc. is over and over and over again. Takes a lifetime–when he is “old” he will not depart from it!

One mom said she was having to spank her child 6-8 times a day for not washing her hands before meals (found out the child was 2 1/2 years old!) I told her, “If you want her to like washing her hands, every time before you go to eat, you pick her up in your arms, take her to the sink and gently rub her hands with soap and sing a “washing, rubbing, making hands clean and smell good song” and then you kiss the hands and gently put the child in her high chair and she will want to wash her hands the rest of her life– and it will bring a good memory!

We would also always train our children before we went into a new situation. “When mom goes to the grocery store today, I will give you a small cup of cheerios to munch on. I would like you children to stay quiet in the grocery store and not beg for something. If you obey Mommy, we will go to the park afterwards and have a small snack. If you choose to misbehave, we will have to go straight home and you will have to stay alone in your rooms.” And then you remind them if any discord starts to erupt. Then children learn what you expect from them. Also, we would use distraction with little ones.

I think, too, that some stages just must be lived through–no, not this, this! over and over again–and then over a period of time, you will see that your children are growing in self-control and time plays its part and they begin to naturally mature because they are growing older. Just be patient.

Just wish you could have heard my girls talking and talking about controlling children and all the methods they remember us using–so fun to listen to your own and giggle at them in all their ways. Fun to be at this stage–they do grow up, eventually! Have a happy week and try to enjoy each phase–as I miss my boys way too much and when Sarah is gone, I wish she were here. But I do also enjoy them being out in the world and seeing them all spread their wings–it is healthy. But the whole process always had so many ups an downs and it is perfectly normal to feel weary and to be impatient–I had to learn to be a little kid person–just wasn’t in my skill set or personality–but eventually it came.

Grace and peace in the midst of the messes of life and faith to handle it all.

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Family, Parenting

What a grumpy 2 year old, a hormonal teen and an overwrought mom have in common

November 8, 2010 by Sally 17 Comments

“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone, just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.” Colossians 3:12-14

Committed motherhood is for me a holy calling of God. I believe that I am a steward of my children given by Him to me, entrusting me to love, instruct them, train them, provide for them in such a way, that they may go into their adult lives emotionally healthy, loving God and serving His Kingdom purposes.

But there are times when, seemingly out of the clear blue sky, I spew all over my children and it isn’t a pretty sight. The life-venom of giving, serving, cleaning, cooking, correcting, staying up late, putting up with messes, consumes my patient feelings and slowly depletes my rational, mature brain cells, builds up slowly inside and suddenly takes over and spills anger over to everyone in my wake. I always feel terrible when I have raged about. Chastising myself for hours, I curl up in a dark cloud and wonder why I even try.

I do not need a lecture from someone telling me I have been immature, out of control, unreasonable and unloving. I already know that. No one needs to tell me I have acted in an immature way and that my words hurt the hearts of those I love.

But, what I long for, is gentleness, patience–someone to tenderly place their arms around my shoulders, to look into my eyes with the compassion of understanding how I feel, words of “Grace, sweet one, you are forgiven. All will be well,” is what I really need.

Longing for a magical wand that can wipe away the moments when I irrationally became a fount of harshness and anger is what I really wish I had–to make it all go away.

Wishing for another mom who says, “You are not alone, I am guilty of raging in the tempests of my own life, and yet, when I went to my children and asked for forgiveness, they were ready to extend their love to me and to redeem our relationship once more.”

And then I need a maid, a waitress and a day away to be an adult again, but that is not in the budget of my minutes and days. Instead, I will be comforted with…

Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, as Paul so eloquently wrote.

And so, I have observed my little toddlers, exhausted, over-stimulated, wrapped in a cloud of selfishness, who fall apart in fits of screaming. I am not talking about the normal minutes of the days when they need training, correction and guidance. I am speaking of those absolutely beyond rational thinking–meltdowns.

A warm, blanky embrace, wrapped in arms of love and a softly sung, whispered words of love, a rocking chair moment of grace, a cool, soothing sip of juice–this is what is deeply longed for and needful to a heart out of control.

And then there are the moments in the lives of my teens when they seem to erupt, attitudes all over everything normal–”Everyone eats too much in this house! If they didn’t eat so much, we wouldn’t have such a mess of dishes in the sink,”–as they slam around the kitchen. Or just an emotional eruption with unkind words, glances that could kill, dark clouds that seem to hover.

I have found that “a gentle answer turns away wrath.” Like me, these precious children do not need to be told that they are being mean-spirited and unkind. They already know that. Perhaps, like me, the trials of life, the challenges, the burdens of school and chores, the insecurities of trying to fit in with an ocean of other teens seeking to find their footing, seeking an unsure future, and the raging of new hormones–all of these overcame them and they also spewed.

This is a time when, “I love you, appreciate you, understand. You are acceptable, I believe in you. You are not all “bad” but you had a bad day. I am so glad you are mine,” words of kindness and compassion are needed.

At times like these, putting on a heart of love, will bring us back to a perfect bond of unity. Love will heal, love is the answer and the balm and the grace to keep going. Love through a mug of hot chocolate or tea, a written note of “I am so glad you are mine. I love you.” A moment to laugh, love, share tears and restore–these are the deepening moments of bonding forever to hearts that bear the compassion of Christ.

These are the moments when true hearts are knit together–Oh to be known, truly known, in all of our limitations, and to still be loved–that is soul satisfaction.

Love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish,…………………..

Filed Under: Child Training, Family, Mothering, Parenting, Relationships

A bag of tricks

November 2, 2010 by Sally 11 Comments

I was sitting behind a young mom at church the other day who was holding a large 2 1/2 year old in her lap for an hour and a half. The little girl in her lap seemed sweet natured but wiggly, giggly, active and talkative–in a normal tone of voice. I admired the mom holding her, but know that she was worn out after the service.

When my children were various ages, we often found ourselves in places–not just church, where they needed to be quiet or sit still–in the car when I was talking to friends, at doctor’s offices and church and concerts and restaurants. I found that if I prepared them ahead of time and told them what to expect and how long it would take it helped them immensely to be able to be quieter.

I wanted them to learn that church was a holy place–where out of honor to God, we would use a quiet voice, very gentle actions and that they were such “big” girls and “boys” for being able to sit still to show God honor. Training, training, training all the time before they were in a place where I had expectations of them.

I also traveled with a bag of tricks, to so speak, that was never used for any other occasion. Depending on the age of the child, there would be a boxed juice and little container of cheerios or gold fish or small fruit leather–only to be used at the later part of their patience. Colored pencils when they were older, puzzle books, I spy books, finger toys for babies, as well as soft blankies to comfort. Joel was my car man and he loved, loved drawing and or just holding toy cars. He drew a million jeeps in his growing up years. I had a sketch pad for each one. All were quiet toys to be used when they needed to be quiet or sit still. The food and drink were only used in appropriate places and appropriate times. But I always kept this bag loaded in the car and looked at the dollar store for new stickers or little quiet things to add so there would always be something new.

At Christmas, Clay once ordered each of the kids a Land’s end travel bag with their name on it–in different colors for each child. The he spent a couple of months filling each bag with paper airplane books, books on tape with a small cd player, challenges, mysteries, little toys, coloring books and quiz books and all sorts of treasures.

We kept each child’s brief case in the car and it gave them hours and hours of pleasure over the years when we were on trips and when they were waiting on us. We never used dvds in the car as we didn’t want media to become a habit when there were so many creative things to do. When the family culture is to listen to long books on tape in the car, all learn to improve their listening skills and it feeds their brains with great literature and exciting stories. You can accomplish a lot when you keep books on tape or other creative entertainment for the cd player. Teaching children to listen is all a part of shaping their appetites. If they are used to too much tv or movie entertainment, they will complain when they have to listen to a book or draw or stare out the window and imagine life. It is the moms and dads who build the habits for their children. All kids can learn to give up media if they are provided alternatives and if you hold to your decision. Never in the history of mankind did children have movies in the car till now.

I do not want to create guilt for anyone. We are all free to make the best decisions for our family. ( a strategic Winnie the Pooh saved us through many ear infections at home), In the car, there are so many things to see that offer food for thought and creativity and it is a great place to disciple your children with great conversation and great music. Especially during the junior high and high school ages. We reserve the right to say all ipods off when we want to talk or listen to something as a family. Because it is an expectation, our kids never questioned it.

It also taught our children that there were places to be quiet and to sit still and exercise self-control. We had lots of fun and to this day, they all travel with fun stuff to use on long trips and places where they will have to wait. (on the plane or a long car trip, my older children all download books on tape on their ipods, bring books, journals to write in and snacks.) Fun to see the habit stuck in their own adult lives.

Touch and back scratching can soothe a child that is ready to blow. My mom also taught me a trick when I was a little girl–she would take one of my hands and pull slowly on each finger until she had covered all ten and then she might do it again if needed.

The happiest children are those who are kept engaged by planning on the part of the parent and it trains children to learn to entertain themselves and to listen.

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Education, Family, Joyful Life, Mothering, Our Family, Parenting

Becoming a Generous Provider and reflecting His very nature to our children

November 1, 2010 by Sally 8 Comments

Spinach, mushroom, swiss cheese quiche; Whole Wheat Rolls, Whole Wheat Oatmeal Bread and Twisted Oatmeal Bread with Cinnamon Sugar filling; Pumpkin Cranberry Walnut Bread–yummm! A physical provision for delight and health and meal time celebration.

The Clarkson family is very distinct in our family culture. We have spent so many hours in each other’s company, that people have actually been able to tell that one of us is a “Clarkson” just by spending time with us when we are miles away from each other and meet someone in a grocery store.

We tend to have a similar vocabulary and world view of life. We have the same general manner of relating to people because we have spent hours and hours training our children in relationship to other people. And, not surprising, our messages are similar, we like the same books and movies and tea and pizza and and and. You see, we have become like the people we loved and invested the most time with over the years.

As I have pondered this, it is similar in relationship to God. I have realized that the more time I spend in the presence of God, the more I will take on His voice, demeanor, His words, His likeness. What I sow I will reap. But as I have been sharing this message in the past few months, many have said, “I really want to love God and be like Him, but I don’t know exactly what that means or really how to do it.”

Knowing God is of the greatest spiritual value–to Him.

Jeremiah 9:23-24: “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, let not a mighty man boast of His might, let not a rich man boast of His riches, but let him who boasts, boast of this: that I am the God who exercises lovingkindness and righteousness on the earth.”

Our God is relational and wants us to be the closest of companions to Him–to make many memories with Him, to know all about His story, to understand just who He is and what He is like. But so many have been come to understand God through laws, fear, performance and works, that the personal-ness of Him is lost.

Consequently, one of the new books I am writing is about God’s roles in scripture, to seek to make Him more real to me and others as they see Him in relationship to us. When we observe what God is like, it gives us a picture of His heart. I am gleaning so much out of this study as I work on it a wee bit every day. With personal knowledge of God, comes a legacy of faith and strong foundations. We become so familiar with His faithfulness, it gives us a firm basis on which to stand in the future course of our lives.

Now, let me divert just a little. It is God’s will that we reflect Him to our children–but we cannot reflect what we do not know. However, if we seek Him, seeking will provide knowledge, familiarity, history, love and worship. Then the showing of Him to our children comes from a life of being with Him, as my children were with Clay and me and reflect us. They are really the book of our lives that people are reading.

If we are filled with the Holy Spirit and He resides in us, it has been on my mind that, if we yield to Him in the moments of our days, then our children, husband and friends will actually feel they have been in the presence of God when they have spent time with us, because we are residing in His presence moment by moment. When we walk with Him and yield our attitudes, our words, our actions, our service, then we will actually be the hands, voice and message of God, incarnate in us. What an amazing thought.

However, I do allow for it to be a process. As we mature and obey the Lord each day–when we respond to His nudging; when we pray about and apply a scripture that convicts us, each day, we are being conformed to the likeness of Christ and those in our arena will experience this more as we mature more.

So, the first role of God I have tackled, is God as a Provider.

PROVIDE means: to make available, to furnish; to supply or equip; to prepare of procure beforehand

Studying this aspect has really opened my eyes to Him in new ways. God created us to have needs so that he could provide for those needs. God made us to need food, rest, protection, purpose, love. He also gave us a body that could grow strong through exercise. A mind that would grow intelligent through use. Gifts and strengths that can only be present when used and trained.

And, God wanted us to look to Him to provide those needs. Even as I take joy in planning for my children to feel loved on their birthday and focus our traditions on building the birthday child up, I receive great pleasure when the child is blessed and responds to my preparations. So, God delights in us coming to Him and in having us see His provision and respond.

He even has provided us things just to delight us–color–the reds, golds, of fall leaves; the dark steel blue of an ocean; the bright gold of an iris, the dark green or blue or amber of eyes. He provided Adam and Eve with food–plants, fruit, vegetables, seeds, meat, fish, poultry, seasonings, all sorts of tastes. He provided them with a garden of grand design to live in. He provided them with clothing after they fell away from Him. The pillar of fire and clouds and manna. Jesus provided the crowds with fish and loaves because they were hungry. He is going to prepare a place for us–a mansion, a home in heaven, for us to live in with Him in eternity.

To understand God, means we must recognize Him as a provider.

For our children to better understand God, they will learn how to recognize Him as a provider as we provide for them–as we provide a haven for a home; comfort during illness, food for feasting and celebrating life; music for dancing and singing. And so, these tasks we have in our homes are not meaningless, but filled with His very presence when we understand that in providing needs and desires, we are acting in the image of God, and our children will read of Him and understand.

In what ways can you be a provider for your family this week. How can you provide beauty or love or comfort in the next 24 hours?

If God wants to be a generous provider to His children, what might He want you to ask Him for–that He may show you His provision? May you know and have eyes to see His provision today–even in a sunset, the stars, a gentle touch.

How can we actually grow in this likeness, though, without spending time with Him, learning to know what He is really like.

PS I know that I should give out recipes and I will do a youtube on my bread making–I promise, someday–just too much to get to everything!

Filed Under: Beauty, Family, Food, Homemaking, Nature, Our Family, Parenting