I Take Joy | Children

When will they stop fussing? Love must be trained, to grow! Way # 5

March 25, 2013 by Sally 12 Comments

joel and joy piano

Joel and Joy, playing and singing again.

There was a time, actually some years, when I wondered if Joy and Joel could go for a day without chafing each other. Whatever personality issues lay between them, add a little sin nature and age difference, and life would find them often correcting each other’s opinion or thoughts or heating toward high friction.

Some of my best memories the past two years, though, have been seeing them come to the piano again and again–playing, singing, harmonizing for literally hours–as they are both singer-songwriter types; seeing Joel coach her as she practiced her speeches and then spending hours judging at her speech and debate tournaments; coaching and encouraging each other through life, loves, thoughts, and becoming real, down deep friends.

Same with Sarah and Nate, or Joy and Sarah or Joel and Nate, …, you get the picture!

Moms often say to me, “When are they ever going to stop fussing? Will they ever be friends?”

It does take longer than any of us would want, but training is the key to training the heart’s response.

But, as I have paraphrased in other principles–love is not natural, it is supernatural. Love is a choice, an obedience. It grows when self is put away again and again. Love is a choice practiced over and over again–in order to build a strong “love muscle.”

And yet, Jesus says that love is the very reality that will separate us from the world, because love is such an exceptional light in a sea of dark relationships–that we would actually show love for one another is the way He said we would win the world.

As he said, “They, (the world), will know you are my disciples by your love for one another.”

The reason people would know that something was different about believers in Christ is that love is not natural to normal people–love is not normal in this world where divorce, law suits, violence in homes, separation of friendships, petty fussing and fighting, church splits, this is the norm.

That is why this week’s “way” is so very important.

“We love one another, treating others with kindness, gentleness and respect.” Way #5

Memory Verse:

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

I John 4:11-12

Love must become a trained habit. Living by feelings is not a choice, we must help our children to “become strong inside” by choosing what is right, beyond negative feelings. Living in submission to the power of the Holy Spirit, and choosing to practice love, is what is at stake here. Obedience to practicing love and learning to forgive is a pathway to maturity and a choice where God will provide strength in the midst of such a choice of obedience.

What we sow, we reap. And if we sow seeds of love, seeds of choosing to be kind, learning to be gentle and showing respect, we will empower our children to have strong relationships. All of this must be taught, modelled, and then corrected and trained again and again.

The practice of learning to love goes on at home:

Is that the way to be kind, gentle and respectful to your sister? How could you have said that differently? What is our Family way about how we treat one another? Now, I want you to apologize and tell your sister that you love her.

weakly's clarksons church fun

Some of our besties–even friends offend each other.

Friends must also become a place of practicing loving.

I know you feel like your friend irritated you and was unjust–but our verse says, “Since God loved us, we also ought to love one another. So, could you find it in your heart to forgive your friend? Mama has quarreled with her friends before, too. I know it hurts your feelings. But since God forgave me, I knew He wanted me to forgive my friend. Can I pray for you and your friend? ……….Now, let’s surprise her and write her a nice note about how glad you are that she is your friend and maybe we could take her a plate of cookies?”

If we separate from our friends just because of quarrels, then we are teaching our children that we don’t have to love everyone–we only have to love the people who we feel like loving–and then your training of this verse and family way becomes null and void.

What we model as adults is the integrity of our teaching them to follow our ways.

(And even in those irrational relationships with family, believers and others who will not speak to you anymore or who have decided to be at enmity to you, you must model restraint–show respect because you are a child of Jesus. Show your children what it looks like to respect even those who have offended you and sinned against you. When you model unconditional love in front of your children, they know deep in their hearts that you are choosing to control your feelings in order to sow love–and guess what, that is exactly how they will behave when they are tested as adults–because they learned integrity from you!)

loving Clay

Oh no, you mean I even have to model this way in marriage?

All marriages have stress and ups and downs. This is the training grounds for parents to practice unconditional love in front of their children. Way 5, loving because He first loved us- is not something that just the children are required to follow–even we must follow our Family ways, especially in marriage–sowing love and grace, kindness, gentleness and respect with our spouse, even when our feelings disagree. This is the training grounds for greatness for our children.

When they hear the truth of the way and learn the verse, then when they see that in their home, forgiveness is practiced over and over again; saying your sorry and giving respect and restoring the relationship; choosing to act and speak in respectful ways, prepares your children to:

Stay loving and faithful and forgiving in marriage

to be a loyal and faithful friend

to get along and learn how to honor and handle others at work

In short, training a child to choose to love by showing kindness, gentleness and respect will prepare them to go before kings or paupers and to become leaders in their generation. This is one of the most important areas of training, so that our children can learn how to influence people with the messages of Christ–it starts with an attitude that says, “God has designed me to love people, to be humble like He was, to show respect and kindness.”

Did fussing irritate me? Of course–drove me crazy!

Did I ever wonder if my children would get along? Thousands of times.

Did I wonder what I was doing wrong? Of course I did.

But training is a matter of process and maturity. And it really is going in deep in their hearts.

But training them to love is not about forcing them and yelling at them–but training, correcting, loving, modeling and doing it all over again, until this is a true value of their soul.

But it does work and God will knit together your family, because it is deeply in their souls–His way and design for them.

I am not quite sure when the “magic” of my children really loving each other and enjoying each other and really loving to be together happened, but it is a gift and a result of the seeds we planted and watered over many years.

Even last night, Nathan rang us at 10:30 and we had a 20 minute, face time–me on the couch, showing the dog, getting 3 of us in camera site at once–just to be together and “jaw.” We giggled, shared, talked and loved once again as a community of Clarkson’s. The fruit was sweet to my mama heart.

This training is an over and over and over again issue, but I must say now, fighting hard for this way to become the “way” of their hearts is one of the sweetest harvests of training, because now we have all become best friends.

Filed Under: Bible Studies, Child Training, Children, Joyful Life, Mothering, Parenting

The Many different seasons of a mother’s life

October 7, 2011 by Sally 42 Comments

Albert Bierstadt

I think that fall may be my favorite season (or spring!). I love the colors, the sunny, crisp days, the opportunity to begin drawing in and making homemade soups and breads and reading a great book and creating more beauty and life-giving friendship and fun with more people inside the walls of our home. (I also love autumn art!)

Even as there are seasons with variety and scope in our lives, so there are so many seasons to a mother’s life. One day she loves her children and thinks they are the greatest gift God has given. Another day, she isn’t sure she even likes them, but she is obedient and has to put one foot in front of the other just to keep going.

Recently, a young mom I know confessed that she sometimes has a hard time “feeling close” to her young children and being available to them emotionally because she is tired. Most women feel this fairly often. I know that as the tasks of motherhood need to be pursued every day with intention, or they will overcome the home, so life can feel tedious. There were many times throughout the years that I did not feel like giving or even feel close to my children. But, I would just put one foot in front of the other and seek to be loving and gracious and patient, even though I did not feel like it, and eventually, my joyful feelings would return.

It seemed to me, that I would read stories of families that seemed to be all together–studying Greek and Hebrew by age 5, perfectly neat house, home-cooked meals and all in order, with children who had perfect attitudes.

That was not my reality. Mine was a whirlwind of seasons–some were fresh seasons where I loved my children and they seemed to be growing and I enjoyed them and others were winter seasons of darkness and struggle and seemingly no real life or growth in our home. But I learned that all homes have seasons and it is the faithfulness through all of the seasons that determines the outcomes.

Seasons of a Mother’s Heart is the first book on Motherhood I ever wrote. I would learn different truths about God, about how to cope with the different demands and challenges of each season and write down what I learn and how God showed me to walk through the seasons by faith and with His wisdom. Topics addressed in the different seasons of my own life were coping with messes and learning to focus on relationships in the midst, dark seasons of depression, learning to live free of other people’s rules and expectations, growing with my children through the seasons of babyhood, childhood, teenage years and beyond!

I wanted to write about this book today because it answers many of the questions I get in my emails from sweet moms and just can’t seem to find time to answer.

A sweet friend, Erin,is hosting a book discussion of Seasons of a mother’s heart.You will also love her blog and her encouraging writing at Homewiththeboys.net. Find all the info about how you can join her book club discussions at: (http://homewiththeboys.net/seasons-of-a-mothers-heart-getting-started-connected/)

I know I love seeing what other moms are learning and thinking when reading a book. You will enjoy her blog and her musings about the book. In light of her book club, wholeheart will give away one book by Monday morning if you leave a comment telling me a little about season of life you are in right now. Or tell me your favorite chapter or topic that you have read in this book.

I have just gone through a season of winter with deaths and children leaving and medical and financial issues and weariness, but every time I go through difficult seasons, I know that spring is coming and I will see all sorts of growth and blessing springing up everywhere. I am so very encouraged already to see God’s grace and blessings in my life. He is so good and He always leads me in His blessing, when I endure the seasons with His grace and waiting for Him to bring the life. He shows me the reasons for the seasons and has given me such deep fulfillment in my life as I have learned to trust His timing and live by HIs strength and grace.

May our precious Heavenly Father strengthen you today in whatever season you find yourself and may you hear the voice of His love and encouragement in the midst of it. I hope you will find His encouragement as you read Seasons of a Mother’s Heart.

: You may order it here: http://www.wholeheart.org/store-2/#ecwid:category=1117022&mode=product&product=4605088

Filed Under: Children, Joyful Life, Mothering, My Books

Parenting: It all starts with your view of God

March 21, 2011 by Sally 38 Comments

Michelangelo–God at creation

Starting with the right foundations

If there was one legacy I wish I could leave to other women, it would be to help them think more Biblically. When a woman knows scripture–the whole counsel of scripture, not just verses here and there taken out of context. But gaining a Biblical understanding from Genesis to Revelation, then she has more confidence and ease in her walk with God. (It is also why I hope to give a good bit of my life in the next years to our leadership intensives where women will learn a little of Biblical instruction, foundations, prayer, Bible study–to follow God in our lives as we serve and love Him. More on that later this month.)

God makes it clear throughout scripture that his priority for us is to know Him and love Him with our whole heart and mind.

“Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, let not a rich man boast of his riches, let not a mighty man boast of his might, but let him who boasts, boast of this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the God who exercises lovingkindness and righteousness on the earth for I delight in these things.” Jeremiah 9: 23-24

And, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” Psalm 127

And so the starting point for any arena in our lives must be God–our worship of Him and knowledge of Him and obedience–a heart that wants to please God.

So, let me begin by praying for all who read this today. “Lord, I pray that each one who reads these blog articles will be led by you. I pray you will provide them with insight, skill, love, wisdom and the understanding of what it means to be filled with your Spirit and to walk by faith in this journey of motherhood. And bless them with strength, joy and a sense of affirmation in their great calling as parents. I come to you in the precious name of Jesus. Amen”

I do not pretend to have all of the answers to all of the questions that people may have. I feel even reticent to become any kind of an authority, and pray only that I may shed a little insight on what I have learned through the years, by walking this journey with God. I also do not want to place any unnecessary burden upon moms who are doing their best, seeking to find wisdom and can feel like failures, as though “It is too late. I have already messed up my children.”

God is the God of second chances and His whole nature is to love and redeem. So, know that He is in your home, He loves those who seek Him and obey Him and He is a God of compassion and will work in and through your life.

(Even as a Father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. Psalm 103: 13)

And, of course, I am not anxious to attract lots of comments from women who want to tell me why I am wrong or why I do not understand scripture.

But, in the spirit of Titus 2, and my own stewardship of what God has graciously taught me over the years, I write these articles with much trepidation and dependence on Him. But I do think that God would have all of us women, in the spirit of Titus 2, pass on truths that we have learned so that other women may have more direction and help in the shaping of their families and the loving of their husbands. I longed for a mentor when I was young and so hope, so for the sake of encouragement and to please Him, I hope I might shed some light on this path of parenting.

It all starts with your view of God

Ultimately, so much of what I lived and what I know to be true, I learned by reading scripture, pondering it, studying it, seeking to really know God and walking with Him. Pondering Christ, who is the perfect reflection of God, according to Hebrews 1.

As many of you know, I have often said, “In the absence of Biblical conviction, people will go the way of culture.”

Women will go the way of their church culture, media culture, family culture, peer culture–they will follow whoever is leading, unless they have developed their own convictions. We will listen to other voices if we have not learned to discern the voice of God. The problem with this kind of approach is that it leads to whims, to whatever way the cultural wind is blowing.

And so, when it comes to child training, if people have not had the opportunity to think Biblically or to study the word of God, and about what God is like, they will look to others for “truth.” Most people desire specifics–just give me the rule, the formula, the law, as we want this process to be easy and predictable.

Please know that I am not trying to offend anyone. I want to be of encouragement and help. Yet, I have noticed, too, that sometimes, those who are most emphatic and confident about formulas and rules and laws about child training are those who have young children, who have not lived a whole life-time of raising children to maturity. It was interesting to me how many comments I had from older women (under my article first time obedience, really) who said that they wish they had known the ways of grace based parenting because of the negative effects it had on their children and how much it incurred anger and rebellion in their children.

Then often times, good hearted parents, will just take the opinion of a writer or speaker or authority, who says some emphatic things about a subject and uses a few proof texts to add support. What this speaker says, becomes law and rules and a formula to follow. Period.

And then, sweet, devoted women live by the rules and feel guilty if they do not follow the rules to a t, as though they are failing their children if they do not conform to the sound bites and laws of the speaker they are following–the speaker’s voice is in their head.

However, in the Christian life, even in parenting, God gave us a brain to think, a conscience to nudge our hearts, the Holy Spirit who lives inside of us to guide us. All He asks is that we live by faith in him dependence on Him. And yes, I think through this process, God has given a mom intuition and a mom’s instinct for what is best for her child. God always loves to lead us and work through us by faith in relationship to Him and what He is impressing us to do, within the beautiful design of our femininity and womanhood. That is why it is crucial that we are spending time in His presence and seeking to build a foundation of conviction on scripture and knowledge of God.

And so begins a series of articles addressing some of the issues about child discipline that many have asked me to write.

Your parenting philosophy all begins with your view of God.

I know I will frustrate many of you by taking so long to explain the foundations of our philosophy, as you would rather me tell you the specifics of how I did it and why, by God’s grace, I was able to raise 4 children who are obedient and respectful to us and who love God and are seeking to serve Him in and through their lives. But, my own parenting of my four very different children was a process of seeking wisdom, studying scripture, listening to God, following other wise people. It was a process of relationship and love with Him, not following the formulas that it seemed most of my peers were following. We went against the grain of the culture we were surrounded by, and yet found the wonderful presence of God in our home as we sought Him.

But, I feel that one of the most foundational starting points, is that all of us see our children through a grid. A grid is the lens through wich you see life. And if we can define that grid, then it will determine how we behave in relationship to our children.

Do you see your children through a grid of them being a blessing from God? (psalm 127)

Do you see the fruit of the womb as a reward? (psalm 127)

How does one treat blessings and gifts?

We read in Mark 10: 16 that Jesus took the little children into His arms and blessed them. Do you bless your children and see that as a part of being Jesus to them? He said of little children, “of such is the kingdom of God.”

Jesus also said, “Woe to the one who causes the leasts of these little ones to stumble.” What would cause a little one to stumble?

So today, I leave you with this question?

How do you see your children? What informs your mind when you look upon their sweet faces? Do you see them through the eyes of Jesus? Do you focus on them as someone to police or correct–or someone to love and serve, understand, protect, love and instruct?

As in all great work, it requires so very much time, effort, work, fortitude, faith and patience. But raising Godly children is of the most important work in eternity.

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Family, Lifegiver, Mothering, Parenting, Trust in God

Saturday moments: Awhirl with life and thoughts

March 19, 2011 by Sally 8 Comments

up at 4:21 and could not sleep.

Quiet time by candlelight, so as not to awaken Clay with the light of the living room reflecting in His eyes through our bedroom door.

Concentrating, meditating on the Lord who is with me (I will be with you always, the Lord who lives to make intercession for us; I have loved you with an everlasting love.) Letting His love fill my heart. Looking at the lovely soft candle-light and remembering Him as the light of the world–asking to let His light shine into my heart.

Reading: “Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; My soul thirsts for you, my flesh yearns for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” Psalm 63:1

I am a tangle of emotion. Sadness is deep inside for things lonely and unanswered. My heart seeks that place of contentment for now, as I want Him to know my gratefulness for all He has answered and all He has been to me over the years. I spend time worshipping Him.

Going early with Sarah for coffee before she and Joy go to play rehearsal for our church’s Easter production.

Eating homemade granola for breakfast (3 + cups organic whole oats, 3/4 cup slivered almonds, 3/4 cup pecans, 1/4 cup maple syrup and oil, a sprinkle of brown sugar to taste 1/4 to 1/2 cup, a teaspoon of salt, cranberries or apricots or raisins and baked for 1 hour, 15 minutes at 250 degrees–stirring every 15 minutes) with Greek Yoghurt.

Making Cottage pies and soda bread for Joy’s belated St. Patrick’s Day party at our home tonight. Putting together another car scavenger hunt for teams of friends based on Ireland and Patrick and celtic folklore, a quiz about famous Irish people and history and games.

Joel, music and creativity bubbling up all over.

Reserving seats on a plane for Joy and me to fly to Boston to see Joel honored in his concert in Boston. How did my dear little boy, gentle Joel, who would squish next to me in my overstuffed chair in the mornings, with his knees folded in front of him, tall up to his chin and tee shirt pulled over to his ankles, saying, “Mama, let’s be close and talk,” grow up to become the composer of the year with two other men, with professional musicians performing his string quartet and 4 movements of a piece, in a live concert, and so very sophisticated and confident? He makes me so very delighted inside and brings smiles to me over the phone. Such a loyal, encouraging companion, so thoughtful, full of integrity. Such potential lies in the depths of these precious ones entrusted into our hands. Music and graciousness always flowed out of his soul, but I could never have imagined….

Reviewing and reading several chapters of Clay’s newest version of Educating the Whole Hearted Child today, as he wrapped it up yesterday. Observing what an insightful writer he is of life-changing ideas. Pondering the ideals we embarked upon 27 years ago, the first time we spoke about homeschooling to any parents. Seeing the fruit after all these years–that what we gave our lives to was true after all–and to see His hand of faithfulness and grace through the seasons, as I reread and ponder our shared ideals and dreams so long ago launched in faith. (out May 1!)

Knowing there will be a couple of cups of tea or coffee tucked into my moments and maybe even a nap, since getting up at 4:21 may not take me through the day.

I must write Him a thank you note from my heart. Grateful for His faithfulness, His strength and joy in the midst of each step of our journey. Acknowledging His call to remain faithful today, and each day ahead, only by His empowering to keep going. Looking this day for the fingerprints of His present love. Seeking to love Him back.

Filed Under: Beauty, Children, Ponderings, Prayer, Trust in God

Valuing Traditions

February 10, 2011 by Sally 12 Comments

Last weekend, I had the privilege of having all of my children with me in California. They are a blessing and I do want to say, they are mostly happy with each other and get along and are a blessing–your children will grow up and they are listening to you!

Many moms asked, “What did you do to cultivate your children into best friends? How did you help them learn to enjoy each other? I think one way is that I purposed time that we would all spend together, even as they got older. There were some non-negotiable times when everyone had to be home–sometimes it was a Saturday night pizza movie, most times we were always home on Sunday afternoon tea times, or Sunday morning feasts. Of course when they were little all time was family time and that is when you are really securing tight relationships.

I found this older post from 4 years ago. Joy is now almost 16, but I hope you might enjoy this post of yesteryear!
Every May about this time, I find myself wondering how we started so many birthday traditions so that the expectations of each birthday child is so high. I am a little worn out by this time and my mind ponders, “Now why am I doing this? Does it really make a difference?As I have pondered this the past couple of days, I have realized again, that traditions force us to take time to celebrate life.

Pausing, as a family, in the midst of the busyness of life, communicates that we are more important to each other as a family than all the activities that are swirling around in our lives that separate us from each other. In our case, twelve year old Joy doesn’t often have the full attention of her siblings, who are quite a bit older than her. They are always running here and there to a job, to classes or to meet friends. Yet, on this day, everyone takes a break from their other commitments—even Clay stays home the mornings of birthday breakfasts–and says to the birthday child, “You are beloved in this family and we are here to celebrate your life!”

Joy turned 12 today. I have to admit, that in spite of all the work, I think I can see that the traditions have deeply filled my children’s hearts with affirmation, validation, memories, confidence and blessings that they will draw from for years to come. Today was especially bittersweet, as I imagine that by next May’s birthday, probably only Clay, Joy and I will celebrate her birthday as a family! We will have to import new friends as family.

Each birthday morning, the person we are celebrating, has to wait expectantly in their bedroom. They are allowed something to sip–hot chocolate or tea—and then must wait patiently for the other siblings to come to deliver them to our breakfast table. Usually, I have made my whole-wheat cinnamon rolls–the expected favorites–and I make my own special scrambled eggs—with cheese, sour cream, ham or bacon bits. Strong Austrian coffee is dripping through the filter, while one child is setting the table with the ceramic tea set usually used for all birthdays. (The set was bought over several years at a second’s shop in Austria. By now, several of the dishes are chipped or cracked, but, as we cannot buy anymore here in the States, we are happy that the dishes aren’t broken.)

We are all a part of a team seeking to throw things together as quickly as possible, since often, presents are wrapped and cards are written at the last minute. One child throws the gifts into very familiar bags–many of which we have kept for years. As a matter of fact, the kids all discussed which bags were their favorites and warned me never to give them away to anyone else with a present in it, because it is family tradition! (Winnie the Pooh and a pre-Raphealite bag tied for the favorites!) We put every gift, however small, in it’s own bag. Even if something was purchased for a song at Good Will or at the dollar store, it gets fully wrapped. Consequently, each year, it looks as though the birthday child is getting a zillion presents, even though the ultimate value may not be much at all–it is all part of the sparkle and fun of the morning. (Once, a child received a pacakage of ball point pens–each in its own bag!)Life is a flurry as one sets the table, one lights the candle and puts coffee cream out, another is wrapping and putting on music to set the mood and Clay is always looking for the camera and batteries since he is the official photographer.

Finally, at least a couple of kids, go to the birthday child’s room to blind-fold their eyes, so that they have to stumble into the room with no peaking. What a funny sight this year as 6’5″ Joel and 6’3″ Nathan still willingly participated in leading Joy down the steps for her surprise day.

Seems the conversation never varies from year to year—I think your cinnamon rolls are the best, Mom. Yeah, we have never tasted any that even compared. (Of course this is so I will keep making them from year to year and yes, it does encourage me to keep up the work—even the 5th time this month!)

After breakfast is appropriately enjoyed, the birthday child begins opening gifts one at a time–to be marvelled, commented on and appreciated. Then come the cards—each child and parent usually creates a card and message for the birthday child to read and save in a special box.

Humor always adorns every meal we share, whether it is our somewhat retarded golden retriever who almost knocked down the table to get to the leftover eggs, or some extravagant comment. Today did not disappoint us. I was reading a Jane Austen quote outloud from a card Joy received, “It is much easier to kill realities than phantoms!” At which exact moment, the front door mysteriously blew open–and we all looked for the phantoms who must have entered at precisely on time for a great effect! (Maybe you had to be here–but the timing was perfect and made us all giggle!)

Finally, the pinnacle of the morning is when all of us at the table share with the birthday child what they have meant to us and how we appreciate them and how they have grown. I am still astounded that at 23, 20, 18 and 12, my children take this ritual so seriously. I thought when they were young, they would surely giggle and make sarcastic comments and find it difficult to finish the time. Yet, I am truly amazed that they have vested lots of love and thoughtfulness in these times and I can farely observe the heart of the birthday child being watered and refreshed enough to last for months.

Nathan started this year. “I have been amazed at how confidently and professioally you have been performing–through your Youth Performing Arts choir and through the musicals you were in. You have quite a voice and your are so poised and confident. At the last concert, I got my whole row of friends to yell your name at the teen concert. They all said they wish they had a sister like you. I prayed you into the world and I am very proud to have you as my sister!”

Followed by his generous comments, came Joel’s, Sarah’s, Clay’s and mine. “You have really grown in your commitment to the Lord this year and you have such intelligent things to say in our discussions.” “You have really developed in your personality this year. The way you decorate your room is amazing, your writing is very expressive, you’re learning to read music so well on the piano, and you are passing all of us up in your many abilities!” “You have been a real friend to me and you always have such interesting things to say in the car when I pick you up from classes. It is obvious that you are reading and learning a lot. You have also been a lot of fun for me.” And on it goes.

I see before me, these children who have learned to love each other in spite of the personality differences, the various immature and hormonal and argumentative stages of life. I am amazed and grateful. How did this happen—these children who threaten to undo me from time to time with their whining, silly fusses, immaturity and friction. Yet, here they are in their right minds, enjoying each other, laughing at each other’s jokes, discussing issues loudly, and participating in family bonding–willingly, generously. What a gift to me, Lord, to see this picture of watching Joy’s heart fill with emotioal health, before her brothers and sister venture to the far winds-Sarah and Joel to Cambridge, then to Seattle in the fall, Nathan to his classes in another state.

But when everyone goes their way, I see that there will be hundreds of memories shared, loved communicated, prayers offered at our table over the years of celebrations–because we took time to invest in tying our heartstring to each other. These foundations of emotional mental and spiritual health will serve to stabilize and give hope to each of us long after we are separated by miles. Now I see, all the effort and cooking and washing of dishes and wrapping of presents did matter because they provided the frame around which a life of love was painted on the souls of each of my precious children. Ok, move over—I will finish the dishes this morning!

Filed Under: Children, Family, Food, Friends, Home, Joyful Life, Our Family, Siblings, Traditions

Part 2 of The Mystery of Discipline

November 22, 2010 by Sally 9 Comments

When we live by faith in so many areas of our lives, why would God not want us to live by faith in the area of discipline? In other words, with the Holy Spirit as our guide, wouldn’t it make sense that God would give us wisdom to understand the different personalities of our children and to adjust our discipline according to each of their needs? Wouldn’t He want us to reach the hearts and lives of our children in the same manner that He reached the heart of His disciples? By serving them, loving them, correcting them, teaching them, living with them in wisdom and truth and modeling integrity.

So, I give you part 2 of The Mystery of Discipline article I wrote to answer some questions I received from a group of moms.

***************************************************

Words that build bridges of encouragement and affirmation

Appreciate their good behavior–”You are so very helpful. Thanks for picking up all your toys.” “You were so patient with your sister. Thanks for being such a great big brother–I couldn’t do without your help.”

We used consequences a lot with our children and then we were very consistent to follow up. “When you talk to an adult, you say, ‘yes, Mrs. Brown” and you look them in the eye and you do what they say.” If they misbehave, we would say, ‘what is our 24 family way about how we speak to authority?” (We trained our values into our children ever day by teaching them our way and giving them scriptural admonition–go here to see the 24 Family Ways in our bookstore to see what Clay wrote for our family.

We corrected a child’s behavior immediately. We often said, “You have a choice to make. If you stop your bad behavior right now, then we will keep playing at the park, but if you insist on fighting with your sister or brother, (or whatever), you will have to go sit in the car while everyone else plays. (And then I or Clay would go sit with the child–but usually our children learned to comply with our training if we were consistent. I do think, however, some parents are too harsh and impatient with their young children–2, 3, 4 years old. These are the questions that need to be asked first:

1. Has my child had enough sleep–do I need to punish them or put them to bed with harshness and unrealistic expectations because I have allowed them to become exhausted?

2. Is my child’s blood sugar low-do they need to eat or have I pushed them too far?

3. Is it past their bed time or nap routine?

4. Are they overstimulated by being with too many other children for too long and or by too much activity? (When children are in the presence of other children as toddlers and pre-schoolers, even more then two others at a time for over an hour, it takes their blood sugar almost 24 hours to normalize! ) Keep your children home, give them routine, let them play and exercise and tire themselves from natural play–not from being in front to the television or from being inside too much with too many other little children.

5. Have I been paying attention to my child–is his or her emotional cup full? Or have I been correcting them all the time and “whining” at them and they are badly behaved because I have not been attending to them?

6. Am I trying to make my little boy stop being a boy? (Boys are louder, more active, and slower to mature and not as apt to sit still–just takes a little more time and patience.)

7. Do I make an effort to sympathize with my child and enter his world–give him time to explore, nurse him or her, touch and tickle and show affection to them and hold them a lot?

8. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you–are you being fair? Positive and content and not yelling or whining or using guilt? Respect your child–meet your baby’s need to be held, nursed and picked up and you will have a happier toddler–children need lots of love and affection–when their needs are filled, they tend to be much easier to handle and quicker to comply–I spent so much time with my little ones at home and they were much easier to train than when I took them out every day and overstimulated them.

Now, if these basic needs are met, then a child is much more apt to be easily trainable. (When I am not overworked and my emotional cup is filled and I feel happy in my home and am appreciated and affirmed–I am a much better person–and so with my child. But when I am exhausted, spent and have neglected my personal well-being, I also am harsher, and shorter of temper. I have to maintain my own peace at home for them to find me peaceful.)

Loving, teaching, training, etc. is over and over and over again. Takes a lifetime–when he is “old” he will not depart from it!

One mom said she was having to spank her child 6-8 times a day for not washing her hands before meals (found out the child was 2 1/2 years old!) I told her, “If you want her to like washing her hands, every time before you go to eat, you pick her up in your arms, take her to the sink and gently rub her hands with soap and sing a “washing, rubbing, making hands clean and smell good song” and then you kiss the hands and gently put the child in her high chair and she will want to wash her hands the rest of her life– and it will bring a good memory!

We would also always train our children before we went into a new situation. “When mom goes to the grocery store today, I will give you a small cup of cheerios to munch on. I would like you children to stay quiet in the grocery store and not beg for something. If you obey Mommy, we will go to the park afterwards and have a small snack. If you choose to misbehave, we will have to go straight home and you will have to stay alone in your rooms.” And then you remind them if any discord starts to erupt. Then children learn what you expect from them. Also, we would use distraction with little ones.

I think, too, that some stages just must be lived through–no, not this, this! over and over again–and then over a period of time, you will see that your children are growing in self-control and time plays its part and they begin to naturally mature because they are growing older. Just be patient.

Just wish you could have heard my girls talking and talking about controlling children and all the methods they remember us using–so fun to listen to your own and giggle at them in all their ways. Fun to be at this stage–they do grow up, eventually! Have a happy week and try to enjoy each phase–as I miss my boys way too much and when Sarah is gone, I wish she were here. But I do also enjoy them being out in the world and seeing them all spread their wings–it is healthy. But the whole process always had so many ups an downs and it is perfectly normal to feel weary and to be impatient–I had to learn to be a little kid person–just wasn’t in my skill set or personality–but eventually it came.

Grace and peace in the midst of the messes of life and faith to handle it all.

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Family, Parenting

As requested, The Mystery of Discipline part 1

November 17, 2010 by Sally 5 Comments

Discipline–that mysterious area of life where people are so passionate. To spank or not to spank, that is the question. But is it really? Seems to me that the discipline of a person is a whole life process. God has used so many different approaches in my life to discipline me.

Natural consequences–It you do something foolish, you will reap foolish consequences–speeding and getting a ticket–not God, my stupidity.

Scripture–conviction by the Holy Spirit

Training–learning all sorts of lessons through jobs, circumstances, missions, watching others and having the training of my parents or boss or friends in the midst of life

So much of life is a process and so is child training. Children at 2 are just less mature than children at 7 or 9 or 11. Parents of older children know that children will grow out of phases. Gentle instruction, training, “You may not speak this way, what is a better way to say this?” and following through. “You may not hit another child when you are frustrated, ever?” And then you isolate the child from the others and work with the child until they can apologize and ask for forgiveness.” It is the patterns day in day out of correcting. loving, training, instructing, putting to bed, holding, and asking God to show us, by faith what each situation and each child needs at the moment.

No training is irresponsible. One of my friends thought she was following Clay’s philosophy in his book Heartfelt Discipline by being lenient, which is different from grace based. “My three year old refuses to respond to my husband and always runs to me and spits on him and kicks him and I tell my husband that it is just a phase.”

I was shocked. No child of ours is ever allowed to treat anyone that way, let alone a parent. We were on top of our children training, training, disciplining all the time. It was the way of life to model and instruct them in maturity.

Since I am in the mountains with my sweet family, and want to spend most of my time with them, I thought I would post a blog from before that many people have requested. And I pray for each of you who read it today, that God will Himself give you grace and wisdom in your home for each situation with each child. Even as we walk by faith, we must also parent by faith. Grace and peace to you this Wednesday!

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“It just bothers my head off when I see parents who don’t discipline their children!” Joy proclaimed after babysitting a group of kids at church tonight. After which a long conversation between Sarah and Joy ensued. So fun to hear them talk with such strong opinions–guess the Clarkson family culture was pretty strong!

When I asked what to write about, several of you asked about discipline. I am off to bed tonight, but I will throw just a few thoughts out. Seems to me that people tend to take two extremes. Either they are high disciplinarians and are too strict and harsh or they say they are grace based and don’t intervene in their children’s lives at all. Clay and I believed in high love and high discipline–but most of our discipline was training, instruction and correction.

I have learned more about my parenting by pondering Jesus than from anywhere else. In Hebrews we are told, “All discipline, for the moment, seems not to be joyful but sorrowful, but afterwords it leads to the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” That right there says that God cares that we interfere with our children’s development and maturity and discipline them to become righteous.

“He disciplines us that we share in his Holiness.” His discipline was for a purpose–not to be overbearing with us and become authoritative–but to train us–to help develop His character in us. He has high standards for us. I feel that in my own life, he has used many obstacles, difficulties and stresses to help conform me more to His image–he does not let me off the hook–he uses His training to help me grow up- to become more mature.

So, I realize that I have to be willing to let my children suffer displeasure in order to train them to become excellent. However, the point I want to make clearly is that discipline and training of a child is primarily relationship based—-not rule based! We are to seek to win their hearts–to give them a reason to want to obey us. We are to accept our children as a gift and communicate clearly to them how we love and treasure them.But for Clay and me, it meant spending lots and lots of time.

How did Jesus influence His disciples, so that they wanted to follow Him to the cross? By spending 3 years with them day in and day out, teaching, training, modeling, correcting and loving and enjoying life with them. (I wrote about this a lot in Ministry of Motherhood) His influence was based on his servant-leadership–(The night before he died, he was pondering where he had come from–heaven with God where he was always worshipped–and where we would be going back–back to heaven–and then he knelt and girded himself about with a towel and began to wash the disciple’s feet.

I was having a quiet time once and realized that Jesus washed 12o toes! He understood me as a mom wiping noses, changing diapers, etc. Seems he has such integrity–he never asks me to do what he has not already done! “If I being the Lord washed your feet, so you should do to one another.”

He was a humble, servant leader, and so I must have such honor and integrity with my children. It is in serving them and honoring them that they develop a desire to respond to me.

However, training was moment by moment–every day. For instance, when child whined, we took them away–away to their bedroom or if we were at someone’s house, to a private room or bathroom. (What is the matter? Mommy and Daddy are allergic to ‘whiny” voices. I cannot listen to you until you can talk in normal voice. (And then we put them in their crib or hold them firmly and quietly until they could get control.

When they were disrespectful to either one of us or to someone else, we immediately corrected them and said, “How should you have said that to your brother, Father or whatever.” Children should not be allowed the freedom to be rude or to be disrespectful–grace-based parenting doesn’t mean that you don’t do anything, it just means that you don’t primarily use the paddle for everything. We would always pick up our child if they were disrespectful to either one of us and made them immediately do what we had asked. “Tell Daddy you are sorry you disobeyed. Now I will take your hand and I will help you pick up the toy he asked you to pick up. Please do it now.” If the child did not comply, we worked with them until they did comply–right then and until the child complied. Do not train a child to throw fits or to cry or throw tantrums. And do not excuse behavior that you have decided is not acceptable.

But do consult the list below to see if you are provoking a child and testing them beyond their ability to control themselves. Each child requires prayer and thoughtfulness as they all have different personalities and your goal is to reach the child’s heart with your training–to give them a desire to do well according to their own heart-felt motivation and needs, personality, gender and age. And be sure that your discipline is appropriate to the offense–a strict voice and long spanking and discipline should not happen for a child who has been careless or done something small–correction and consequences or doing it over is more appropriate–if you make every thing a big deal, your children will learn to dread you.

I have been really reacting lately every time I see a policeman. Our town is giving out as many tickets as possible to make up for lack of taxes on certain issues. So many tickets are given each day and police cars are everywhere (lots of articles and complaints have been in the local news.) I was wondering if this is how children feel when they have parents who are over bearing and authoritarian–dreading seeing their parents because they know their parents will find something wrong! How terrible to be afraid to be with your parents because they correct every single thing you do–that would be terrible in a friendship, marriage, or as a child–there must be grace in the midst of life.

Part 2 tomorrow

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Family, Mothering

A bag of tricks

November 2, 2010 by Sally 11 Comments

I was sitting behind a young mom at church the other day who was holding a large 2 1/2 year old in her lap for an hour and a half. The little girl in her lap seemed sweet natured but wiggly, giggly, active and talkative–in a normal tone of voice. I admired the mom holding her, but know that she was worn out after the service.

When my children were various ages, we often found ourselves in places–not just church, where they needed to be quiet or sit still–in the car when I was talking to friends, at doctor’s offices and church and concerts and restaurants. I found that if I prepared them ahead of time and told them what to expect and how long it would take it helped them immensely to be able to be quieter.

I wanted them to learn that church was a holy place–where out of honor to God, we would use a quiet voice, very gentle actions and that they were such “big” girls and “boys” for being able to sit still to show God honor. Training, training, training all the time before they were in a place where I had expectations of them.

I also traveled with a bag of tricks, to so speak, that was never used for any other occasion. Depending on the age of the child, there would be a boxed juice and little container of cheerios or gold fish or small fruit leather–only to be used at the later part of their patience. Colored pencils when they were older, puzzle books, I spy books, finger toys for babies, as well as soft blankies to comfort. Joel was my car man and he loved, loved drawing and or just holding toy cars. He drew a million jeeps in his growing up years. I had a sketch pad for each one. All were quiet toys to be used when they needed to be quiet or sit still. The food and drink were only used in appropriate places and appropriate times. But I always kept this bag loaded in the car and looked at the dollar store for new stickers or little quiet things to add so there would always be something new.

At Christmas, Clay once ordered each of the kids a Land’s end travel bag with their name on it–in different colors for each child. The he spent a couple of months filling each bag with paper airplane books, books on tape with a small cd player, challenges, mysteries, little toys, coloring books and quiz books and all sorts of treasures.

We kept each child’s brief case in the car and it gave them hours and hours of pleasure over the years when we were on trips and when they were waiting on us. We never used dvds in the car as we didn’t want media to become a habit when there were so many creative things to do. When the family culture is to listen to long books on tape in the car, all learn to improve their listening skills and it feeds their brains with great literature and exciting stories. You can accomplish a lot when you keep books on tape or other creative entertainment for the cd player. Teaching children to listen is all a part of shaping their appetites. If they are used to too much tv or movie entertainment, they will complain when they have to listen to a book or draw or stare out the window and imagine life. It is the moms and dads who build the habits for their children. All kids can learn to give up media if they are provided alternatives and if you hold to your decision. Never in the history of mankind did children have movies in the car till now.

I do not want to create guilt for anyone. We are all free to make the best decisions for our family. ( a strategic Winnie the Pooh saved us through many ear infections at home), In the car, there are so many things to see that offer food for thought and creativity and it is a great place to disciple your children with great conversation and great music. Especially during the junior high and high school ages. We reserve the right to say all ipods off when we want to talk or listen to something as a family. Because it is an expectation, our kids never questioned it.

It also taught our children that there were places to be quiet and to sit still and exercise self-control. We had lots of fun and to this day, they all travel with fun stuff to use on long trips and places where they will have to wait. (on the plane or a long car trip, my older children all download books on tape on their ipods, bring books, journals to write in and snacks.) Fun to see the habit stuck in their own adult lives.

Touch and back scratching can soothe a child that is ready to blow. My mom also taught me a trick when I was a little girl–she would take one of my hands and pull slowly on each finger until she had covered all ten and then she might do it again if needed.

The happiest children are those who are kept engaged by planning on the part of the parent and it trains children to learn to entertain themselves and to listen.

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Education, Family, Joyful Life, Mothering, Our Family, Parenting

Peace and joy in the midst of busy, busy, busy, demanding life seasons

October 1, 2010 by Sally 11 Comments

My own little pilgrim Joy (minus hat and collar) having breakfast on the porch.

“I feel so guilty! It seems I never have time with God, lately,” my sweet young mom friend said. “With a 1, 3 and 5 year old underfoot, if they go to bed, all I want to do is collapse. And I really don’t feel like spending the little time I have left studying my Bible.”

I really understand how she feels. As a matter of fact, I think that when I had children her age, I thought that someday my life would slow down and become more manageable. I am still waiting. I think my life is busier than it has ever been. It is easy to feel that I am neglecting the Lord and that He is disappointed with me when I am too busy. But, …….

Today, up early to have tea and spent precious time with Clay. Seems we need this early morning by ourselves to talk, plan, catch up, pray and be together because it is so rare! Then, taking Joy to work by 9. (Pumpkin patch–she is a pilgrim talking to school groups for a month.) Sarah to the doctor and needs to meet after that about a trip. Joel wrote and has a big issue and decision that came up yesterday and needs council. Pick up Joy and take her downtown to driver’s ed. Meet with friend. Errands in town to run. Wash the last night dinner dishes because it was too late last night to face them when the activities of the day were over. Having dinner tonight with friends at our house. Joy’s friend coming over. Means straightening up the house. PIcking up Joy’s friend. Doing Nate’s favor which will take an hour in the middle of the day and articles to write, emails to answer, and and and.

His voice comes into my mind as I send up a quick prayer to not be overcome.

“Be still and know that I am God. I am the one who calms the storms and fears of life.’

How is it possible to live with peace in the midst of this life? God has slowly done a work in my heart over the years. It is why I named this blog, “I Take Joy!”

This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.”

It is a choice of my will, a choice to worship Him, in the midst of my busy day–this day that He created for me to walk through.

Today, this busy season of life, God sees me, He is with me, He goes with me every step of the way. If my grid from which I live and make my decisions recognizes this, then every minute is a minute spent with Him. “Oh, Lord, those Colorado mountains are so amazingly wonderful.” (Today as I am flying down the highway on the way home.) Lord, show me what is on your heart today. I have a need to hear your voice (as I am driving home from the “Pilgrim Patch.”

He speaks to me and reminds me, “I knew your days when as yet there was not one of them.” (Psam 139) I know this season of your life, lean into it. Be with me in it. Live joyfully each minute I give to you as a moment alive to me. Celebrate my love in the midst of the mess and stress of it all. It is where true spirituality is lived.”

“When you are with each precious person, live the fellowship of me in your midst. See this moment as one in which to serve, give a life-giving word, pray with them, serve them a meal with joy and goodness in your heart, wash the dishes as one who is civilizing and beautifying your home for me–every little moment of your acts of praise to me through mundane, normal moments is a time of companionship with me, if you will open your heart and your eyes.”

I realize again, that if Christ is in me, then Him living through me as I am going my way, means wherever I go, whatever I do, I can present Him, give of Him, love Him in the presence of every person who comes my way and in every task I must do.

My time with God is not just studying His word, it is every moment I am alive, opening the eyes of my heart, seeing Him, living in His grace, asking for His strength, resting in my limitations and His adequacy.

So whether tending to a sick child in the middle of the night with sleep deprivation, or nursing a sweet baby with a toddler pulling at your leg or praying and talking late into the night with a confused lonely teen, or just washing dishes and cooking one more time, it is an appointment with God, a time of worship, a place to celebrate His presence, because He is there, close to your heart and so longing for your companionship–you spending time with Him in the midst of it all!

Now, on to my busy day.

Filed Under: Beauty, Children, Family, Lifegiver, Mothering, Our Family, Simplicity, Trust in God

How to raise excellent children

August 16, 2010 by Sally 20 Comments

“A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher.”

Luke 6: 40

Pondering, pondering and more pondering.

With candles lit, mugs of steaming tea in our hands, voices raised and opinions energetically batted about, we have been participating in Clarkson culture at its best. Convictions, ideas, ideals, stories at their best. All we need is for Nathan to come home and share from his perspective of living in Hollywood. Then our circle will be complete.

Profound satisfaction has filled my soul. Witnessing the beauty of souls alive, hearts on fire for Christ, ideals cherished in this dark world, and testimonies and stories of God’s faithfulness being shaped in the lives of my seasoned children.

“Give her the product of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates.” Proverbs 31:31

I have been thinking about how deeply fulfilling it is to have walked with the Lord, worked hard, trusted Him and to see this palpable life in and through my children.

How did it happen? This life, goodness, strength of character in the midst of such an ordinary family, who cooked and washed dishes and complained about it, lived in the give and take of 6 sinful, but delightful people trying to find their way.

As I have prayed and thought about this, I have come up with several answers that I think lay a foundation of excellence. I hope to be writing about this in the next few days amidst a house full of company and having my children home for the next two weeks. Don’t want to miss any time with them. But if they will all cooperate and stay in bed, sleeping late into the mornings, I will look forward to sharing with you.

But the first thing that the Lord has brought to mind is the soul, mind and heart of the mother.

So many women that I meet when I travel and speak all over the world want a formula. Just tell me the ten steps of raising good and godly children and I will follow them and pop out excellent children.

Or, “What curriculum is the best one to use to help me children be academically superior.”

But, as I have pondered, I have realized that the starting point is you. Are you disciplining yourself to have quiet times every day? Are you building a resource of wisdom, truth, understanding of Jesus’s life, his values, His heart so that you are becoming a well-spring of His very presence in the life of your home?

How are you using your time to invest in the best for yourself as well as your children? Are you reading books that are educating you, stretching your ability to think, challenging you with new ideas? Are you reading the best writers to your children and learning along beside them? What books are you reading in your sparse free time? What foundations of excellence are you building in your own life? Is prayer a regularly growing part of your spiritual life–are you depending on God and the Holy Spirit to bring excellence into your life? He is the source of life, strength and righteousness and love.

As you live your life, is the grid of your mind looking out into the minutes of your days focused on “How can I focus on the Lord in each point of my day? How can I encourage excellence of character by portraying it to my children and husband through every action, every display of character? How is my witness growing in the life and excellence of goodness, beauty and truth every day?

I have realized so much that there are very few women in my life, who when I am with them, bring energy, challenge and life to me when I am with them. Yet, I really think that as you are, like Jacob, wrestling with God, seeking Him, engaging in His word, seeking to develop your own character, that that becomes the souce from which others will draw.

Contemporary culture gives all of us permission to take a break, to become mediocre, to be passive. But, the Holy Spirit always pushes us forward to do more, work harder, become more excellent as He is committed to developing in us the very character and life of Christ Himself.

So, the key to raising excellent children is to grow in excellence yourself. You cannot give your children what you do not possess. Buying the best curriculum or the most expensive lessons cannot compensate for shortcomings in your own life, if you are not growing in excellence yourself.

“A Mother’s heart is the child’s classroom.” Henry Ward Beecher

Your children will be like their teacher. We, as teachers and models, do not need to condemn ourselves for not being perfect. Jesus never asked for perfection. Yet even as we look for a heart of obedience in our children, a willingness to try to please us, so He looks for that in us. And it is this committed heart to all that is the best, that He looks for in us. And a heart engaged in the excellent ways of God will lead to a life that is more excellent.

But I have found out that I can always accomplish more than I thought with God at my side. I can always work harder than I thought I had the capacity to work. And most of all, God’s grace carried me through each weakness, failure, sin–but He is always calling me to live beyond–beyond the place where I am to grow more fully into the me He created me to be. If I am growing, learning, getting better, loving more, living more intentionally, then it will be the spirit of excellence and growth He will bring into the very fiber of my family life. For indeed the most important resource to my children in their life education is me, as I submit to God’s training and calling on my own life, fully committed to being like Him, my teacher.