I Take Joy | Education

Snowy day and Way of Life Discipleship

November 14, 2008 by Sally 5 Comments

Joy running Kelsey in the first snow! (Sorry about your head, Joy!

“He established a testimony in Jacob and a law in Israel,
Which he commanded our fathers that they should teach them to their children,
that the generation to come might know, even the children yet to be born,
that they may arise and tell them to their children, that they should put their confidence in God
And not forget the works of God and keep His commandments.” Psalm 78

We knew it was coming, but this fall was a prolonged splendor of crisp, autumn days perfect for hiking. We so enjoyed our jaunts by the national forest several days a week knowing that they would be gone too soon. This morning, I opened my eyes and saw swirling, blowing snow rushing about outside my window. (We don’t have any curtains on our bedroom windows as we face our backyard which has no one in our sites.)

Now, I knew plan b must go into action. We were going to an outing, but I knew the snow would cancel it. Now I already know that we will not do math–we never do math on Fridays! We can snuggle up for a longer Bible reading and have a longer talk over breakfast. I think I will read out of the Celtic devotion I have been enjoying.

Now the day holds at least one or two cups of tea and or hot chocolate, the fire burning and reading out-loud for at least an hour. A perfect day for teaching Joy how to make Broccoli soup to go with the bread we made yesterday.

And that blog she was going to start for girls in their 10-15 year old range–maybe I could assign an article and have her work on the design, since her computer class was canceled today.

And I need her to listen to the song Nathan has picked out for her to sing with him at the competition in January. She will have to pick out the one minute segment she thinks will be best. Piano practice and playing a fun card game in between should make a great day of memories and input.

Of course talking, talking, talking–gigging, correcting, a fair bit of eating and nibbling.

I have that peace and assurance that these are the very kind of days that are shaping Joy’s heart, soul, mind and filling her emotional tank along the way–giving her appetites for the right things in life, stretching her mind by exposing her to ideas and thoughts from others, giving her a chance to exercise her own skill at creating, writing, performing, putting her imprimatur on all sorts of things in our home. The Lord and people and life drift in and out of our conversations all day long naturally, because these are the things of our real hearts. It’s not a formula, but a relationship that starts with Him and ends with her.

How I like these gifts of time, knowing that my window of time into Joy’s heart is going to close sooner than I can imagine. Having three siblings before her gives me grace, freedom and peace in the midst of her varied days knowing it will all turn out well. I don’t worry about the result, I just enjoy the time I have, knowing God will be at work.

I love seeing her grow and stretch her wings. She has a little job with MOPS babysitting all the children for 2 hours during their Bible study–makes $40 a month (got a $1 raise yesterday!) and it helps her to give to the Lord, save a bit and then have some money all her own to spend on things she enjoys. “Mom, I just wish I could teach some moms how to be Moms!” she said as she hopped in the car yesterday.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, you can really tell the children who are nurtured and have had their souls filled with love and training.” (wonder who she has been hanging around with or listening to! ) Some of them seem happy and are easy to take care of and steer in the right direction and some are always whining, and or fighting or hitting. And you won’t believe it but one child was fine until her mom came to pick her up and when she did, the little girl clung to me and started crying. Her mom yelled at her and said, ‘I am gong to McDonalds without you and I am going to leave you here!’ I can see why she wouldn’t want to go with her- she had no clue how to gently reach the heart of her little girl.”

“What would you do instead, Joy?” and so began a 15 minute discussion while munching our sandwiches together.

At thirteen, whether I like it or not, Joy is beginning to strain toward adulthood. I am becoming more and more a guide to build on the foundations she has been given. But I also know that her movement in that direction will provide me with another adult best friend. So even though I hate the thought of her growing up, I love the thought of seeing her flourish and spread her wings to take the messages of her heart and mind–and to build the legacy, hopefully, into the lives of her children, that the baton of righteousness may be passed on and on faithfully to my children and grandchildren. (Please, Lord, bring my children godly spouses in your time! and give me a grandchild to fret over before Joy leaves! )

And to think this is what God designed me to do–to enjoy my days with the ones I love, talk and have fun, create life and enjoy my day and in this to be building His kingdom. What a privilege! What fulfillment. What fun.

Filed Under: Beauty, Education, Family, Mothering, Nature, Our Family, Parenting, Trust in God

About Whole Heart

May 8, 2008 by Sally

The Ministry
Whole Heart Ministrie s is the ministry my husband Clay and I began in 1994. We are dedicated to helping
Christian parents raise wholehearted children who will live for Christ. We both write and speak at conferences around the US and internationally. To browse our books or find a nearby conference, you can visit the Whole Heart website.

Whole Heart’s Mission
The mission of Whole Heart Ministries is “to encourage and equip Christian parents to build a biblical home and a godly heritage by nurturing, discipling and educating their children at home.” Whole Heart Ministries strives to serve Christian parents and their children worldwide through ministries of speaking, teaching, training, writing and publishing that focus on the biblical and practical aspects of home nurture, home discipleship, and home education. Our ultimate objective is to come alongside Christian parents to help them prepare their children to become Christian leaders in the next generation.

Whole Heart Conference Ministries

WholeHearted Mother Conference & Retreats
WholeHearted Child Home Education Workshop

Whole Heart Ministries Press

   Educating the WholeHearted Child
   The 24 Family Ways
   Seasons of a Mother’s Heart
   Journeys of Faithfulness
   Just David
   The Gold Thread
   Speaking and Conference Tapes

Additional Ministries

Speaking and Conference Ministries

HOME Away from Home

Whole Heart Online Web Site and Bookstore

Filed Under: Education, Family, Home, Ministry, My Books, Parenting

The Value of Self-Government and Will Training

May 7, 2008 by Sally 16 Comments

Not too long ago, I was meeting with a sweet mom in a coffee shop and she brought her two children along. They were sweet children, but they were all over her and ran her ragged. I was talking with my older children later about it and asked them what we did differently. It was humorous to hear how opinionated they were, but it also reminded me how intentionally we taught them to be patient and to wait their turn–because they all remembered it the same way. It is the concept that I call self-government–probably a Victorian character quality that I read about along the way and in a book about the principle approach to life.

The definition of self-government is the idea that a person learns to command himself, his impulses, his work habits, his emotions, His intellect and talents and rule over his will in a productive way. Children can begin this at a very early age, but it is also of utmost importance to adults–as one cannot be a mature believer unless one has mastered self-government and self-control and patience.

The idea behind self-government is that all of us have a power and authority over life that comes from within that can help us to master problems, obstacles, and can use our self-will to achieve great things. It is not about gutting out life in the flesh without the power of God, but it is the idea that we have a moral character that can be strengthened and under girded by our will and by practice. He who has cultivated this kind of strong character is useful and productive in almost all areas of life. It is what helps a believer to exercise faith and courage and perseverance in the midst of trials. It is what helps a pianist to practice long hours, an athlete to exercise rigorously in order to become a champion, a missionary to master a language and remain faithful in a foreign country until there is a multiplying ministry; a wife to bear up with grace when married to an immature husband; a mother who continues over and over to practice patience with a sick or rebellious child–governing life by mature, faith-based choices, not by feelings.

An effective way that we taught this to our children was through training. Usually it started out with will-training. The biblical principle for this is found in Deuteronomy. God tells the Israelites to obey Him, and if they do, they will be blessed. If they don’t obey, they will be cursed–there were consequences to their decisions. So He says, “So choose life and obey me so that you may live!” Similarly, in life all choices have consequences. Our children need to understand that “what we sow we will reap.”

I used to say to my children over and over again. “Daddy and I cannot make you into great people. You have the power to determine how strong you become by how you exercise your will. We can train you and teach you how to be good and how to be righteous, but you have to decide to obey and you have to decide that you want to become a person of godly character. God made you such a wonderful child, so I hope you will decide to do your best to become all that you can be. It is in your hands. It is yours to decide to respond, but I am praying and hoping that you will.”

When we appeal to our children’s hearts for excellence and choices of good behavior, then we are giving them the will and desire to be excellent all for themselves. Their desire comes from within and their motivation is from their heart. But if we train them behaviorally by always forcing them to do what we want them to do because they might get a spanking, or another kind of threatened discipline, then their motivation is to avoid spanking or harshness but not to please God or to please their parents, by having a good heart and responding in obedience.

This works itself out practically by helping them to train their wills to develop strength and self control. Our children always remember us saying all the time, “You have a choice to make. If you obey me, then you will be blessed. But if you choose to disobey me, then you are choosing disciplinary consequences that will be unpleasant.” for instance, if a toddler was whining, I would say, “Mommy is allergic to a whiny voice. If you can stop whining and use a normal voice, I will listen to you. If you want to keep crying and whining, then you must go to your room and when you can calm down, I will listen to you.” At which point, I would take the toddler and place them in their room in their crib.

Even our toddlers learned the self-control of calming down and responding in a normal voice–gaining control of their little spirits. Or, “If you don’t get your work finished by lunch time, then you will stay in your room and work alone while the rest of the children go outside for a picnic.” Or if you don’t get your chores finished, then you will have to clean the whole kitchen by yourself tonight. We wanted our children to find internal motivation to obey us and to learn that there were positive and negative consequences to their choices–just like in scripture. (Now, of course, the key to this is being consistent and following through unless there are mitigating circumstances–a child is ill, exhausted, overstimulated–often because the parent led the child to be overstimulated or exhausted because of a demanding and busy schedule–sometimes the only recourse a child has is to cry or complain if they have become physically or emotionally spent because of too much activity and demands on their young body.)

However, very young children, toddlers, don’t always process our wishes–sometimes when they are distracted, it takes their brain a 30 seconds to a minute to understand. We need to exhibit appropriate patience and gentleness to toddlers and babies so that they will learn to be gentle and loving. We also learned that we could distract our children to help them learn patience. “Mommy wants you to wait until I have finished talking to my friend. Here is a small cup of fruit and cheese. I would like you to sit on my lap (or in your high chair) and when you get through with your cup, it will be time for me to be finished with my work.”

When we were in church or a meeting, we would talk to the kids about how long they needed to be quiet and listen-we prepared them to know what to expect before we got into a situation. Clay made a “brief-case”–each a different color–a favorite Christmas gift–for each child that traveled with them for long meetings or times in the car or waiting at the doctors. We would look for fun puzzle books or coloring books or hand toys or a little legos or car, colored pencils, sewing cards, etc. We would pull these out for the kids to use when we visited others or had a situation that would require them to wait patiently. They never got to use these other times so that they always felt special–the quiet bags!

Training our children to our expectations also helped. “We will be in the grocery store for about a half hour. Here is a cup of cheerios that you can nibble while we are inside. If you stay patient and quiet for Mom, then when we are through, I will take you to the park and we can swing for a few minutes. If you misbehave, I will have to take you home. (or whatever consequences fit the plan.)

Before we went to someone’s house for dinner or before we had guests, we told the children what to expect. “Tonight, Mommy and Daddy are having some grown up friends over for dinner. We want you to serve them the rolls, Sarah; Joel, you greet them at the door and ask if you can get them a drink, and Nathan, you think of one question to ask our guest so that you can get to know them better. Let’s use our best grown up manners. This means eating your meal quietly, listening to the conversation and not interrupting, and waiting until Mommy can serve you, after I have served the other adults. If you can behave and sit at the table without fussing, like grown ups, then you can stay up an extra hour tonight to play. If you interrupt us too much, you will have to go to bed at the regular time and stay in your room and play until bedtime.”

Helping our children know what we expected of them in most situations before they happened gave them guidelines to follow. God was also this kind of trainer–he was very specific in the law to teach his children how to live life well and so we sought to let our children know, without fail, to know what the guidelines and expectations would define their lives.

We could gently correct them and help them develop life and relational skills gradually and systematically every day. This is what the verse means, train up a child in the way he should go—giving them patterns of life, relationships, ministry, relating to the Lord, over and over and over again, so that the patterns of righteousness we are training into their lives becomes familiar and second nature.

I am amazed now, at how naturally our children are at ministry relationships and speaking in front of crowds, etc. Each year before our conferences, we would train all of the children as to what to say to the adults they served, how to greet them, how to help them in our book store, how to set up the luncheons, and how to prepare something to speak or sing or perform for our conferees. Now, each of them, having been trained and corrected and rewarded and engaged in their parts of the conferences, added this experience to their souls and it became a natural part of their life’s expression. Each step along the way did not seem like we were necessarily making great headway, but after years of consistent training and experience, they became like the lives we required them to live.

Often, I see parents reacting to their children and blasting all over them harshly or on the opposite side, because the children were just acting out what they were natural at–immaturity–but had never been given guidelines and training. Or the other extreme is parents meeting their child’s every whim and finding children exhaust them.

Sometimes when people find out that Clay and I are grace-based in our approach to parenting, people assume that that means lenient and undisciplined. However, we were very idealistic and had high expectations for our children, but we instructed them through consistent training, not primarily through force and multiple spankings but through relational discipleship based training. Our philosophy also looked at each child differently–as an individual–so that we could best figure out what appealed to and reached teh heart of each child. Introverts responded differently and behaved differently than our extroverts. Boys were differently wired than our girls. Learning issues and maturity levels greatly influenced a child’s ability to be mature. All factors which cause us to understand that we needed to appeal to each child’s heart based on knowing the heart of each child.

No matter what philosophy we as parents have for disciplining children, we need to remember that our goal isn’t primarily to make them obey, but to motivate them to obedience from a sincere and loving heart. I did always feel that if I expected them to learn self-control and the ability to work harder, I also had to be sure I was meeting their essential needs in order to expect them to perform well. I needed to give them a routine life–plenty of sleep, naps when tired, not too much over-stimulation, nutritional food, life-giving, soul-filling words–so that their bodies could support my ideals and expectations for them as a mom. If they were exhausted because of being out too late, then if they cried, I would put them to bed–they didn’t need discipline, they needed to go to sleep.

Bottom line, discipline is more about relational righteousness training and taking time to instruct, train, praise and correct and strengthening a child’s moral character and will through the variety of all the moments of life, than a list of rules about and mandates about when and how long to spank or punish. The Holy Spirit grants each parent wisdom how to apply Biblical principles of training to each parent according to their own puzzle and their unique children–it can look different for each family and each child, but all philosophies that focus on reaching and training the heart, have a deeper influence on the outcome of the child’s soul. I have learned so much from reading scripture and pondering God’s parenting of me. May He give all of us grace and skill and patience!

Blessings,

Sally (Sally@wholeheart.org)

Just an issue some moms in my group have been asking me about. Have a great week!

Filed Under: Child Training, Children, Education, Family, Lifegiver, Mothering, Parenting

Snow on a Sunday afternoon

March 2, 2008 by Sally 7 Comments

Today was a fun day. Since we can’t all get together for devotionals anymore during the week with everyone’s various schedules, we do a big breakfast and devos on Sunday mornings. Candlelight, music, coffee and pajama’d folks circling around. Today was a soufle, fresh fruit, cinnamon rolls and hash browns. It was fun to see how excited and loud everyone got when we got into a discussion from I John. I do have great memories of how our family has developed over the years into highly opinionated, articulate people. Sometimes it is exhausting, but today was fun.

It was snowing profusely and swirling in dancing gusts. A great day to stay inside and sit by the fire. Sometimes at 54, I think I should be sipping tea and contemplating my memoirs. But, I still have 12 year old who wants to play, so we just had to go out into the 22 degree weather and play. I followed in her footsteps (she had gone ahead to hide in a tree) and found my way through knee deep snow on a path that led to Sir Noble–the tallest pine tree in the area where Joy was hiding from me. We were originally going to meet at the top of the world (the top of the hill where we can look at the view of the mountain range), but after I trounced through Merryman’s passage ( the first part of the path), and on to the tree, I thought better of getting any deeper than knee high as I was already falling through her footsteps to the ground below. Joy and her exploring friend have named every section and landmark and played Robin Hood and thieves and princesses and orphans amongst the trees and paths amongst the houses. Great, rousing blowing wind and sparkling snow and a fun memory with my elf who keeps me young and celebrating the important moments of life.

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What a privilege it was to be in our conferences in Colorado, California and Texas to be amongst such wonderful mothers. My fellowship with all of you was so precious and being in the company of such committed women gave me more strength to keep going in my own role as a mom. Many sweet moms are up against such obstacles with illnesses, difficult marriages or working through the journey as single moms, knowing the weariness of the journey of constant with little or no support and financial constraints, and many having no background or model to follow. And yet, I was so encouraged by your stories and seeing many pictures of your children—you are my heroes because I know personally the work such a life requires, but I also know that your labor is not in vain and eternity and history will be different because of your great work of faith.

As always happened, when I returned from being on the road off and on for six weeks, including a trip for a funeral, I found my energy was somewhat depleted and the piles needed taming. But I am used to this from 10 years of doing it. I give myself and our family grace—we sleep later hours, leave piles unattended, school undone—knowing that in due time we will attack them all and get it all done in due season. I give us time to catch back up to life. We eat easy or store bought meals and paper plates for ease of cleaning, do leisurely, fun, “cup-filling” activities to give all of us who are depleted in the expending of so much energy, traveling and serving, a time to restore. It used to overwhelm me, but as I have studied the whole concept of seasons and even as I worked on the new parts of my book, I have found grace in submitting to the limitations of each season and leaning into it instead of resisting it. My passion is rekindled by being with all the sweet moms, my body begins to catch up, my emotions smooth out and the piles gradually disappear and I am then caught up again in the grand call that I have learned to love so much!
Blessings and sunshine to all of you this week!
Love and grace to you in the midst of walking with Him, who so wisely appointed us to this grand call!
Sally
(Sally@wholeheart.org)

PS Below is a dictionary definition, and a quotation as well as some of my own commentary on some excellent words written over 100 years ago—that still apply today! Enjoy!

The Civilizing of Our Nation

civ·i·lize
1. to create a high level of culture
2. to teach somebody to behave in a more socially, morally and culturally acceptable way
Enlighten, cultivate, improve, advance, subdue in terms of a people or nation.

“The home is the fountain of civilization. The value and character and appetites of a people are greatly determined by the reading, training and cultivating of moral and spiritual appetites in the home.

Mothers, you are the divinely-appointed teachers and guides of your children; and any attempt to free yourselves of this duty is in direct opposition to the will of God. If you neglect them, the consequences are swift and sure. …, Spend most of your time with your children. Sleep near them, attend and dress and wash them; let them eat with their mother and father; be their companion and friend in all things and at all times.”

From Mother, Home and Heaven from Poetic, prose and literature
Of all ages and all lands. Copyright 1878-1880

The above quotations were gleaned from a wonderful book that a friend gave to me at our Dallas conference. The words written over a hundred years ago are still very powerful today. This, in a culture where the imagination of the importance of mothers to the overall well-being of soul of the next generation has been lost. How affirming it is to see that truth of past generations still applies to us today.

Often, I find that in the absence of a clear enough vision for their children and homes, mothers replace conviction and vision with lots of activities and distractions for their children. This hyper-activity and rushing around to an endless list of expensive lessons and experiences and the buying of the newest expensive curriculum and technological options make moms feel like they are accomplishing something. However, when the home-life of children is rich with excellent, classic literature, passionate Biblical devotions, rousing dinner-table discussions around sumptuous, tasty meals, lots of love and affection given and household chores attended to—and a child will become committed to all that is good and excellent and develop a moral and compassionate soul for all the divinely important values.

From the beginning of time, God created the home to be a place sufficient to nurture genius, excellence, graciousness and grand civility. But the key factor is nothing that can be purchased or owned. The accomplishment of this grand life is found only in the soul of a mother, through the power of the Holy Spirit, personally mentoring her children.

It is a personal relationship with a real person whose soul is alive in which the deepest imprints of life are given. The secrets and deep emotions shared during the goodnight hours in which a the soul of a child is tender and open; the comfort of warm, home-made food shared in the early evening as ideas are shared and discussed and prayers and devotions given; the laughter, stories, advice given in the midst of washing dishes together or sharing of a meal; the heroic and riveting stories read aloud and shared together that establish common patterns of morality, values and dreams in the comfort of the blazing hearth, mugs of steaming hot chocolate and squishing against each other on a den couch are those heavenly things which are food to the soul and nourishment to the mind and conscience of a child fully awake to all that is important in life.

There is no computer, television, software or text book that can pass on such passion, love and motivation.

It is indeed the personal touch of a mother’s heart that creates grand civility, deep affection, care and commitment to the foundations of a family. When the invisible strings of a mother’s heart are tied to the heart of her children through loving sacrifice and nurture, the stability and foundations of a nation become secure and stable. A mother, living well in her God-ordained role, is of great beauty and inestimable value to the future history of any generation. Her impact is irreplaceable and necessary to the spiritual formation of children who will be the future adults of the next generation. Fun, comfort, humor, graciousness, spiritual passion, compassion for the lost, hospitality, chores, meals, training, life-giving words, hours and hours of listening and playing and praying and reading—all are parts of the mosaic which go into the process of soul development.

Filed Under: Beauty, Children, Education, Family, Food, Home, Homemaking, Joyful Life, Lifegiver, Mothering, Nature, Our Family, Traditions

Spiritual Depth takes time!

October 14, 2007 by Sally 20 Comments

Recently, I spent a couple of hours with a dear friend. At the end of our time, she asked, “Sally, do you ever feel lonely? I mean lonely for a friend who really has your heart and love and passion for life. I have so many friends, but I don’t really have friends who seem to have quiet times and who share with me what they are learning from the Lord. No one really initiates praying together. Very few of my friends have ideals for their lives. I long for deep, spiritual friendships and companions.”

Have you ever felt that way? I have. As a matter of fact, I used to feel like I was too much for people and still in many groups I feel like I have to hold back and not really expose myself. God made me a passionate person and I must live life with gusto–it is who I am. Yet, I have a very few friends who I know, when I am with them, that will share deeply, talk about ideas and scripture and what they are learning or care deeply about. I have, for so many years, felt lonely and longed for fellowship personally and for our family. We have loved the depth of life and fun and spirituality we have shared as a community of family, but it has been difficult to find like-minded matches for our family, and often for the individuals of our family. I think this is a more common problem than many think, because I hear it a lot.

Yet, I do have several friends with whom I can totally be myself. But even more, I know that when I am with them, my emotional and spiritual cup will be filled. Every time I am with these three or four friends, I know I will leave wanting to be a better person, cultivating deeper faith in my life, living more boldly for the Lord, enduring in my work for His kingdom and we usually share lots of giggles and opinions that we are free to share with each other because of our bond. My special friends who are this way are spread out all over the country and I don’t often get to see them, but I cherish them in my heart. I meet others along the way in which I share this kind of relationship and am always grateful, though, I meet them along the way and they are not a part of my “regular” circle, in which I have had lots of time to log together. But I appreciate this kind of friendship because the effect on me is that it thrusts me in the direction that I long for in my soul, and always makes me want to love God more and to be more worthing of such love. It feels good to know that I can be myself and to have personal encouragement and validation. Friends can make friends feel good!

I think that longing for eternal things is a gift from the Lord. As a deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after you, Oh, Lord. I didn’t always see it this way, because many of the years of my life and moves, I have felt deeply lonely and longing for a friend to recipricate. Yet, I see now that I can turn this longing to the Lord and it is where He meets me. These longings are sometimes shadows of what we can glimpse in this world, but will not fully experience until heaven. Longings speak to us of what we can expect in heaven. But it is these very longings that have taken me to Him. He is there, giving me perspective, teaching and talking into my heart.

Sometimes just being caught up in the “busy-ness” of life, can leave my soul empty and my feelings dry. However, we cannot pass on to our children deep, sincere love and pleasure of God, if we haven’t drunk deeply from His well ourselves. Again, I am not talking about you or me becoming more religious–but truly more relaxed, honest time with the one who made me and knows me. God is like us or perhaps, more truthfully, we are like Him. He is a God of relationship. He longs for our companionship and trust and deepest thoughts and cares. Hard to imagine, but He, in the midst of running the universe, was walking the the cool of the garden in the middle of the day, looking for fellowship with Adam and Eve. I am in the process of studying David’s life and see that David had inner eyes in His heart, that saw God, and thought His thoughts and valued His ways. He loved and revered Him. God was a reality in the moments of His celebrations, the tears he shed on his bed during times of despair, the one who gave His warrior soul strenght through His battles. He was a man after God’s heart, because He was a man who lived in the present moment with God.

With David, this did not mean spiritual piety in the sense that he “acted religiously” and spoke with stilted words in an affected voice. No, he was a man of bear and lion killing, warrior-ing, dancing, feasting and blessing, singing and eating–a friend beloved by his many fellow soldiers. A real, live, man of many dimensions.

God does not want you to carve out a few insipid moments to say words to Him. He wants your fullness of personality and life. God made me, as I am. I make lots of mistakes. I am visionary and passionate and love people, but still get tripped up over simple issues like messes. Martha is lurking at the door of my heart many moments when I just need everyone to “Get work done!” But there is a Mary side that really longs for the reality of God and sometimes she is reigning. I have great insights and great failures. My kids and husband know me in all of my glory and lack thereof! However, there is a life inside of me, that keeps me going. It is indeed a well of living water springing up in the moments of my despair when I feel the darkness lurking again in my soul’s emotions.

However, I do not see this side of many friends. Frankly, I think that it is because many of the precious moms I know are busy with their own children and lives and you have to have time with people in order to be able to get into a good conversation. I, also, have been lonely for those who know the spiritual hunger that drives me. I love to hear the depths of people’s hearts and fellowship with them there, in the places where life really matters. But this kind of life only happens for those who seek Him–those who make the seeking of Him their life’s goal–the pleasing of Him their fondest wish. There is a dimension of living that only comes from being there in His presence, daily, weekly, monthly, for years and years. The more years that I have spent reading His word, the more often His word comes to my mind throughout the moments of my days. Seems to me, though, that when I am with someone who is pretty deeply spiritually connected, I can almost spot it right away–not so much because they say spiritual things, but usually this kind of person is involved in reaching out to others, encouraging and self-sacrificing a fun and outreaching friend. It is obvious to me that they are not the center of their own lives. They have had to make some decisions along the way that they will not have hurt feelings, though they could; they have decided that they have a stewardship from the love of God to help and reach out to others—a giving spirit, one who is generous in life, is a sign of one who is connected to God–because that is what He is like. It is in just being with them, that I can tell they “get” God.

I am teaching 2 middle school age speech classes. My main goal for these kids is to help them to learn to be communicators–to realize that all speech–whether to a friend, a co-worker or to a group–has the power to give life, to encourage, to instruct, to inspire or to tear down, poison, discourage. Yet, words are only powerful if they are spoken or written. So many that I know, don’t take the time to verbally encourage or to write a note to someone they appreciate or to open up to a friend the very deepest things that are on their heart. Probably the thing I most value most in a person is one who takes initiative or calls or invites me over or in some way reaches out—because it is just a part of who they have decided to be as they have become a mature person.

There are so many times when all of us are weary and I have to say that many years in a row I have to battle being down. But, as I studies the Israelites, I saw how God disciplined them for complaining and for not having faith. When we are weary, we need rest and we need to look for fellowship. But eventually, we must let God strengthen us and decide to be joyful, because it is the only way to be able to cultivate faith and to endure the moments of our lives with grace—but we have to learn to hold on to hope for what is to come.

When we stay in the self-centered position, we ignore the needs of others and become even more depressed. Being ignored or feeling invisible is a very painful and difficult thing for a person to feel and I see that so often, and have felt it at times. However, if someone would just say a word, give a card or send an email, so many who long for love, would be encouraged. I see passivity and lack of outreach as comparable to the person who buried his talent in the ground. Eventually, even the little he had was taken from him. Don’t be passive in relationships–either at home or within your own community. Everyone you know needs to know you care. I have never known of anyone who had too much encouragement.

One of my speech classes is very talkative and funny and engaged and loud. I can manage them because they have spunky spirits. However, the other class is extremely quiet. Self-consciousness and fear of failure makes this class more difficult to motivate. It is hard to motivate those who will not respond or perhaps are a little too self-absorbed. I have spent time in self-absorption but have come to realize that eventually it only leads to my own alienation from others.

I have learned over the years, that if I want fellowship with women, I most often have to make it happen myself. I have to start a Bible study or a once a month fellowship group. I have to open our home. I have to invite friends to lunch or go to a mom’s group. Sometimes I have come home from these meetings feeling lonelier than ever. But I have found that if I hang in there, a friend or a few friends will rise to the top and slowly, I will begin to enjoy fellowship. Yet, most often, I have had to initiate. I have just learned to accept this and not resent it. It has been the same for my kids and for our family our whole history. Yet, Jesus modeled initiation for us–while we were yet sinners, he died for us. While we were going our own way, he intervened into our world to provide love and grace and healing.

Some ideas we have initiated in the past is a once a month mom’s tea group. I used to have just a couple of mom’s over for a hot mug of tea, hot chocolate or coffee, while all the kids played outside. Once I was in a group that met at a local coffee shop once a month, which gave all of us a break. I have a once a month group in my home now and we are going through the Mission of Motherhood. There are about 80 on our roster, but usually 35-50 come each month and they come at 6:30 and often the last person is walking out the door around 10. We have snacks that different women bring and have a great time together. We always have Christmas teas for different moms and daughters. Christmas parties, fall festivals, book clubs, girl’s group, harvest party. Our home is a center for life. We have few relatives, and those we have, are not near by or really have much to do with us on a regular basis, so we have had to keep reaching out just to keep finding fellowship.

The greatest value of all of these efforts, which do not always produce close friends, is that I have built my own, very deep friendship with Sarah, and Joy in the midst of it. They are so interesting and engaged in the things that I love to talk about. Joel and Nathan are soul-filling friends with whom I love to have time alone. They care about deep ideas and what matters in life. Though I had to wait for this kind of friendship for many years, (except for with Clay) it was through the dinner table discussions that Clay and I cultivated, the one on one tea times in my room, the traveling and working together as a family, that slowly built those heart connections that now give me the fellowship I always longed for. Nurturing my own family has ended up giving me the gift of friendship and depth of intimacy I wanted for so many years, but never managed to always have. It is so important, in this isolationist world, when everyone is at break-neck speed, to make the time to invest personally, to take initiative to encourage, and to really seek to be a friend, so that the community from which God meant for us to take strength and comfort, will be there to help carry us through all the seasons of our lives. In is in the keeping of friendships, in and out of our home, that the strength of Christianity will be felt in our world.