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First time obedience, really? Revisited and A Giveaway of Heartfelt Discipline!

April 9, 2013 by  311 Comments

My own children, (. 3 years ago!), on whom many philosophies of child discipline were practiced! And yet God’s grace covered our mistakes and they grew into healthy loving human beings by His grace!

I just wanted to tell all of you again just how much I appreciated your comments and emails in response to my questions. I will be printing it all out and try to figure out a plan for hitting as many subjects as I can.

However the next few days, I am going to be reposting some older discipline articles. The most common questions are about child discipline. I also want to promote the newest version of Heartfelt Discipline, which Clay finished a couple of months ago. It has been fully edited and has been rewritten in a number of places to give more clarity. I will also be giving away one copy each day of my discipline articles. So be sure to tell all of your friends about our giveaway and about Clay’s wonderful book. It will answer so many of your questions about Child Discipline, but from a discipleship perspective. I hope you enjoy these principles–I call them basic leadership principles. Let us know what you think.

And yet God’s grace covered our mistakes and they grew into healthy loving human beings by His grace!

HeartfeltDiscipline-Final.indd

ORDER HERE!

FIRST TIME OBEDIENCE, REALLY?

Often, the subject of child discipline comes up as I am working with young parents. I do not have the time to answer all of my email or comments as I must stay focussed on my own family and I will not be able to answer all the questions this article will raise, so please understand my time limitations. But I do offer this as some of my own thoughts on childhood discipline and hope that in some way, it may be of encouragement. My blog below is a mish-mash of some of my thoughts–but hope you can make some sense of it!

A Need for Guidance

Well-meaning parents all over the world have tried throughout the centuries to try to figure out the right formula or wisdom to use in raising up a godly, responsible, emotionally and spiritually healthy child. It is right to desire to find a way to love, educate, train and discipline a child to help him become mature.

However, in our culture, so many young couples do not live around their parents, do not have good models of what a healthy family looks like, and so they look to “authorities” to find their answers–people who speak or write books. (Scary thought, since that is what Clay and I do!)

Formulas do not work!

 Most parents are looking for a formula–a one easy step guide to instantly raising up an obedient child, a one size fits all.

But, over the years, I have heard so many extreme talks about child training and I have also seen many young immature parents follow rigid, formulaic parenting philosophies and I have lived to see many children rebel, leave all the training of their parents and even turn their hearts away from God.

The parents wring their hands saying, “I don’t understand. I followed all the books and did it just like they said!”

Thinking Biblically

However, when we learn to think Biblically, we must learn to live by faith and in wisdom in the raising of our children. If God had wanted us to follow a formula, He would have given one and made it clear so that we could use the ten easy rules to pop out perfect children. But He made each person with a different personality, different maturity level, different ability.

Scripture is much more long term about maturity than we usually want to understand. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not fall away.”

“The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full day.” A path of life parenting that allows for more and more light to show forth with each passing year.

In Hebrews we read about the mature and immature–about babes who are still drinking milk and not yet ready for solid food–and here the context is of a young Christian and a mature one–allowing for growth.

I tend to look at my children through this lens, “It is the kindness and mercy of the Lord that leads to repentance.” Romans

An Issue of the Heart

First, we must understand that all discipline should be focussed on the heart–not the behavior. Over 800 times in scripture, God talks about the heart–Love the Lord with all of your heart. God searches to and fro for a heart that is completely his. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. and so on. And yet I see many extraverts being disciplined for being louder and more talkative (not rebellion–a personality issue–or boys for being boys–moms who want them to behave like a little lady, etc.)

But God is concerned with our desire to love and obey Him, he already knows we are immature and that we take time to understand His ways. Jesus was patient with Peter and said, “Satan has desired to sift you like wheat,” He predicted that Peter would fall–and Jesus was totally supportive of his disobedient, immature disciple—He said, “I have prayed for you, and after you have returned, strengthen the brethren.” In other words, “I know you will blow it, but I will be with you, I will pray for you, I will still use you.”

And so, when we discipline our children, we must learn to look at their hearts. Is their heart rebellious? Are they being willful? Am I expecting too much for them–their age, their level of over-stimulation, the circumstances, their maturity level, their abilities? A child should not be punished for being exhausted, immature, a boy, or for making a mistake. I make mistakes all the time, again and again. And yet scripture teaches in the new testament and the old that maturity is as a result of training, time, growth, heart and will.

Reading and understanding the way babies and children respond at different ages helped to inform my expectations. I remember that I read an article that said that the average 2 year old took between 30 seconds and a minute to have some messages sink in if they were engaged in their brain somewhere else. And so often,  Moms can be very strict with their children and  harsh when sometimes the child has not even understood yet just what he is doing wrong. Harshness does not win over a child. Neither does wanting a 2 year old to be more mature than he can be and so punishing him for being 2. We must use wisdom and discretion to understand the situation, the heart of a child, and how to best train him according to our wisdom, faith and training of the child. It is the kindness and mercy of God that leads to repentance. Child discipline should always be based on a relationship between a mature, benevolent, loving parent who is seeking to lead his child to maturity, to train his child to think in the direction of righteousness and to train his behavior little by little.

The mature parent should consider the state of the child, his emotional needs, physical needs before meting out harsh discipline.

Formulas like “First Time Obedience” do not necessarily reach the heart!

I was speaking at a conference once and the speaker before me was plying the audience with all sorts of guilt. This speaker said, “If you don’t require first time obedience every time from your children, then you are disobeying God and you will be responsible for losing your child’s heart and tempting him to rebel against God!” Many men in the audience cheered loudly and clapped. I could just see the harshness that would follow in their homes because a speaker had given them permission to be harsh and demanding, every time with children, without ever teaching these parents sympathy, wisdom, skill and understanding with their children, their ages, their paths of life.

But Really? Can you cite me verse and give context that says God always requires first time obedience without mercy? I am thankful that He is much more patient with me than that in my own life. I have made so many mistakes over the years and done such foolish things, and still He is there loving me, instructing me, showing me his compassion and gently leading me daily to better understand His holy and righteous standard for me. God reveals one issue of immaturity at a time and I learn slowly. He has never pointed out all of my weaknesses and disobedient attitudes at once–and if He did, I would be devastated.

There seems to be no exact Biblical evidence that this is a true “rule.” Of course I believe in training our children to obedience and to teach them to have the highest of standards, and often it meant training them to learn to obey us as we requested something of them, by training them to learn to respond to us and obeying quickly as they learned and matured.

 The reason Deuteronomy 6-8 talks about us speaking to our children morning, noon, night and presenting truth and the gospel to our children every moment of the day, is that training is to be a whole-life passing on of values and obedience and wisdom, a morning, noon and night—let’s live together in fellowship and relationship and you will see that I have your best in mind and I will teach and train you how to be mature, wise and excellent.

It is a process of love, consistency, patience, and repeating over and over and over and it takes many years for a child to become mature. Maturity and integrity are also issues of the heart and motivation that comes from responding to the teaching and instruction given in love and mutual respect.

Ignorance produces harshness

The unfortunate thing is that many parents, in the name of faithful discipline, do not understand the differences between babies or toddlers or young children or even teens with all of their hormones,  and they exhibit  anger and harshness toward  their children, act in a demeaning way, while neglecting the cues of the child at each stage. These parents  have no perspective for the children themselves–they use  a  rule and formula no matter what–and often wonder why their children to not respond to them.

But, this kind of one rule discipline neglects the child’s basic well being. If children are exhausted or overstimulated by television or other children, they are naturally more hostile or out of control. A wise parent will tend to his child’s need for rest, quiet, rhythm, balanced blood sugars and understand hormones or emotions, and personality. Often I see children disciplined for things the parent has neglected–their physical and emotional needs—when the child’s behavior is often a direct message to the parent of a basic need that has been neglected.

 Biblical discipline must take a long time to secure the heart–many years of constant loving training and instruction. We had very high standards for our children, but our discipline was always viewed through a lens of relationship as the strong basis of our discipleship of our children. Without a close relationship, discipline is quite unproductive.

A parent must live by faith, trust in God, wisdom, and patience. I spent many hours on my knees praying, seeking God, learning new ways of His parenting with me as I parented my children. It was a process of growing in wisdom. My children are all very different in personality and ability, and yet, by God’s grace, all have come to love us and do deeply love the Lord. But we had to raise each of them up in love, by faith and treat them according to their own personality bent. And the basis of our home was God’s unconditional love and grace.

Lack of Basic Knowledge

I have also observed often, lately, precious moms who do not even know how to treat little ones. I was walking down the hallway of a hotel several months ago in California and a sweet, very young, exhausted mom was exasperated and shaking her 4 month old baby, saying loudly, “Go to sleep, go to sleep!” At which point the exhausted baby cried louder and louder. The baby was her first child.

I offered to hold the baby for a few minutes and to give the mom a break. She quickly gave the baby to me. I held the baby tightly in my arms and held it against my cheek and gently rubbed its head while singing softly into his little ear, and swaying gently back and forth. Immediately the little one relaxed its stiff body and listened to my voice and within 5 minutes was soundly asleep.

She just had not been taught how to be gentle, affectionate, or personal. It scared me a little to think of the future of this little child.

I also observed that my very introverted, creative child took longer, even as a baby to focus on me. I learned to work with his personality and to get on his eye level, gently get his attention and clearly state what my expectations were. He was happy to comply, but he did not always hear me the  first time. (He now my absent-minded professor who composes music and still has a great heart to obey and to please me.)

My third son, I eventually learned, was adhd, and ocd and a few other letters. But being harsh never, never made his more mature or able to change his behavior. I learned that the more I poured into his life–affection, time, listening, talking, the more able he was to obey. I learned that if I was patient and gentle and helped him–holding his hand, using words of encouragement, gentleness, I could lead him in obedience.

My husband, Clay, wrote an excellent book, called Heartfelt Discipline and many have said that it changed their lives. It will be back in print next summer.

When babies are touched and loved and sung to and talked to and have regular routines and regular, healthy diets, they are much more happy all the time and responsive to instruction. However, when a child has not received these basic needs, the only means of a child letting his parents know he is not happy or comfortable with his life is to whine or cry. When I am around generally healthy children whose needs have been met, it is obvious because they seem more content with life. All children are immature and will misbehave, and pages and pages could be written about the subject, but these are just a few of my thoughts.

My last thoughts on this today and then I must run to my day. Jesus’  life is my example. There was a lost world because His children rebelled against Him–no first time obedience. But His love and compassion was so much a part of His character and being, He was compelled to come to save us. He fellowshipped with His disciples, loved them, listened to them, confronted them, corrected them, fed them, taught them, and laid down His life for them. Because of their relationship with Him, and their love for them, they were willing to lay down their life for Him and His kingdom.

His love compelled them–it was a long-term process, this one of securing their obedience and hearts, but their hearts wanted to please Him and obey Him because of what He had meant to them. And so I did write Ministry of Motherhood, reflections on Jesus’ method to secure the hearts of His twelve. It has been a study over many years. And today, from my quiet time, I am again humbled and blessed by His active, redeeming, sacrificial love that redeemed me.

His model to me as a parent, “Greater love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for his friend.”
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Filed Under: Child Training, Family, ITJ Giveaway, Joyful Life, My Books, Parenting

De-Cluttering your Soul—the Secret to Peace and Rest

December 29, 2011 by  43 Comments

My Home Town

There is something uniquely good about January 1. It marks a new year, a new beginning, a new possibility. It also marks, for me, the reentry into simplicity. I don’t know if there is a more satisfying feeling for me during the year than when we put all of our Christmas things away, the decorations, the remnant of cookies, the clutter. We did that in my home, today. I have also been revisiting an article that I rework every January 1, as it is a pattern I seem to keep needing to learn.

Every year for the past few years, I have pondered and written about de-cluttering my soul. I hope you will be blessed by these thoughts. I am pulling away for a few days, once again, to see what needs to stay and what needs to be cut. I am sending Sarah off to Oxford tomorrow and Nathan back to Hollywood and then we will get back to normal. And so I am deliciously excited to take time alone to get back to my soul.

I love the celebration of life and the traditions and the fun and the beauty of special times spent with my children, husband and friends. But, there is something deeply satisfying to me about getting it all put away and getting back to normal.

Perhaps it is because my normal responsibilities of caring for my family’s needs demand so much of me—cooking nutritious meals, organizing our schedules, cleaning and organizing on a daily basis, homeschooling and add to that ministry—these are enough, but holidays put on that extra load. Routines go by the wayside and so the clutter and demolishing of the house, slowly takes over.

I am not a person gifted in handling details—too much mail, too many catalogues, too many emails, too many options, too many things. The more there is, the more I become responsible for, the more work there is to be done, and so, the more anxious I become. Same with activities. The more I commit to, the more I say yes, the more I have to drive, the more my house gets into a mess, and the more anxious I become, the more hurried we feel, and the more weary I become. When I am not at peace, nothing in our home is at peace.

We can all see how too much clutter and too many piles causes us to feel overwhelmed with life. Consequently, slowly, I have learned to declutter as often as I can—throw away unnecessary stuff. Clay is really the master at this. He helps me get rid of things, organize things and put away things. Yesterday, he decluttered our pantry—threw away chip bags that held little but took up space, cleared out empty water bottles, bad, junky Christmas candy that had been given to us, but would never eaten; baskets that had fallen off of their nails, groceries that had never been put in their place. Now, if someone came into my pantry, they would mistakenly think that I am an organized person. (Thank goodness for Clay!) It made me feel good just to open the door and to see that all was manageable again.

But, I have also come to realize that my brain and heart can be the same way—cluttered with worries, responsibilities, duties, children’s future, finances, time constraints, expectations, disappointments, critical attitudes, resentment. All of these added together, can tend to create soul piles and mind clutter. If I don’t take the time to sort the piles of mind clutter, my spirit becomes a mess and my heart becomes overwhelmed and weary.

It is what awakened me at 4:00 a.m. this morning-soul clutter and worry. It is another reason I like January. It gives me an opportunity to make a new plan, to simplify the mind messes and to start off a whole new year well. In the same way that throwing away stuff and clearing out closets brings me relief, even more, soul and mind cleaning and decluttering brings me rest.

So, as I begin a new year, and head into my conference season, a very busy time for our family, I resolve to deal with my soul-clutter, so that I may have strength to face each day in peace. I come to the place where I know I will find the help that I need. I come to my Father and ask Him to help me, His child, to show me how to make get rid of the junk that is unnecessary, and to help me clean out and organize my soul.

He speaks to me gently.

It was in writing my new book, Dancing with My Father, that I have learned so much about finding joy–and peace. In Him, with Him, by Him all the moments of my busy day. His voice leads me to what I long for–but I must get rid of all that causes me to fret, worry, criticize, control. There is a way….

“In quietness and rest shall be your strength.” Isaiah 30:15
You need to come to me and give me all those things that are weighing on your heart. Resolve to seek rest and peace.

“Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29

I listed all of my issues this morning in my journal (and there seem to be multitudes of clutter piles in my soul–worries, attitudes, bitterness, weariness, fear, sin and a few more!) These are issues that will suck me dry and my energy dry if I do not notice them in order to clean out my soul!

The Lord prompted, “List all of your issues, give them over to me, don’t hold on to them. I am capable of taking them from you and being responsible so that you will not be weary or carry what you are not capable of carrying.

“Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him. “ Psalm 37:7

Focus on resting in me—sit in my lap, so to speak, rest in my arms. Let me carry you. I love you.. Wait for my timing. Don’t force things or beg me to hurry up. I am in control.

“Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
“Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother;
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.” Psalm 131:2

Give me your attention and get control of your spirit. Be quiet. Be still. Recognize my sovereignty and transcendence. Remember what Jesus said, “Our Father who art in heaven, holy is your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” Jesus modeled his understanding that my will is what you need to rest in. I am in heaven and I see all things—the future, the past, your children, your relationships, –all your clutter. Give them to me. Quiet your soul and rest in my strength and power.

“Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one little child like this receives me.” Matthew 18:3-5

Come to me as a child—even as your children, in their innocence and sweetness of heart, know that you will care for them and meet their needs because you are a loving parent who cares for them, so I am your Father who will take care of you. Leave the burdens to your father and take your rightful place as a child. Humble yourself and trust me. Enjoy me. Delight in the beautiful moments of this day. Notice the little miracles. Live as an unfettered child. Accept your little and big children and receive them as a gift from me, and your will indeed receive me inot your midst.

“ … a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” I Peter 3:4

“Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about so many things. But really one is needed and Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Luke 10 41-42

Don’t worry and fret and stew and stir up unnecessary dust. Choose simplicity—just one thing I require—that you give it all to me and love me. I will take over. Even as I gave and provided a Sabbath in which all of my children should have rest from their work, so I want you to live in my Sabbath rest for your soul. Rest from your striving and labor. Take time for naps, for pleasure, for joy. This day you have to receive as a gift–I can’t promise what tomorrow will hold. But today you can love, give peace, speak kind and wise words, dance in your soul with my secret pleasure that comes from knowing that I love you.Simplify your life, don’t make choices that will complicate or add unnecessary pressure or cause you to sin or grumble. “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life,” as Paul said.

So, as I yielded my lists into God’s hands and decluttered my troubled soul, I left feeling that even as my house has been coming to order, after we cleaned and straightened it yesterday, now my soul is moving in the direction of order.

Rest, rest, rest—in quietness and rest will be your strength every day, every year, until you see me face to face. I love you, my sweet girl. Don’t forget that I am with you each moment of today.
Your doting and loving Father.

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May all of you dear friends indeed have a happy and fulfilling new year with your days filled with the blessing of His company! Thanks for so many who have taken the time to write. Each note, Christmas card, picture, email and comment has given me strength and joy. I am sorry I have not responded to each of you as you really mean so much to me and keep me going.I appreciate your words of life so much! Keep writing me as I love to hear from you.

Filed Under: Beauty, Bible Studies, Family, Joyful Life, My Books, Our Family, Ponderings, Simplicity

The Many different seasons of a mother’s life

October 7, 2011 by  42 Comments

Albert Bierstadt

I think that fall may be my favorite season (or spring!). I love the colors, the sunny, crisp days, the opportunity to begin drawing in and making homemade soups and breads and reading a great book and creating more beauty and life-giving friendship and fun with more people inside the walls of our home. (I also love autumn art!)

Even as there are seasons with variety and scope in our lives, so there are so many seasons to a mother’s life. One day she loves her children and thinks they are the greatest gift God has given. Another day, she isn’t sure she even likes them, but she is obedient and has to put one foot in front of the other just to keep going.

Recently, a young mom I know confessed that she sometimes has a hard time “feeling close” to her young children and being available to them emotionally because she is tired. Most women feel this fairly often. I know that as the tasks of motherhood need to be pursued every day with intention, or they will overcome the home, so life can feel tedious. There were many times throughout the years that I did not feel like giving or even feel close to my children. But, I would just put one foot in front of the other and seek to be loving and gracious and patient, even though I did not feel like it, and eventually, my joyful feelings would return.

It seemed to me, that I would read stories of families that seemed to be all together–studying Greek and Hebrew by age 5, perfectly neat house, home-cooked meals and all in order, with children who had perfect attitudes.

That was not my reality. Mine was a whirlwind of seasons–some were fresh seasons where I loved my children and they seemed to be growing and I enjoyed them and others were winter seasons of darkness and struggle and seemingly no real life or  growth in our home. But I learned that all homes have seasons and it is the faithfulness through all of the seasons that determines the outcomes.

Seasons of a Mother’s Heart is the first book on Motherhood I ever wrote. I would learn different truths about God, about how to cope with the different demands and challenges of each season and write down what I learn and how God showed me to walk through the seasons by faith and with His wisdom. Topics addressed in the different seasons of my own life were coping with messes and learning to focus on relationships in the midst, dark seasons of depression, learning to live free of other people’s rules and expectations, growing with my children through the seasons of babyhood, childhood, teenage years and beyond!

I wanted to write about this book today because it answers many of the questions I get in my emails from sweet moms and just can’t seem to find time to answer.

A sweet friend, Erin,is hosting a book discussion of Seasons of a mother’s heart.You will also love her blog and her encouraging writing at Homewiththeboys.net.  Find all the info about how you can join her book club discussions at: (http://homewiththeboys.net/seasons-of-a-mothers-heart-getting-started-connected/)

I know I love seeing what other moms are learning and thinking when reading a book. You will enjoy her blog and her musings about the book. In light of her book club, wholeheart will give away one book by Monday morning if you leave a comment telling me a little about season of life you are in right now. Or tell me your favorite chapter or topic that you have read in this book.

I have just gone through a season of winter with deaths and children leaving and medical and financial issues and weariness, but every time I go through difficult seasons, I know that spring is coming and I will see all sorts of growth and blessing springing up everywhere. I am so very encouraged already to see God’s grace and blessings in my life. He is so good and He always leads me in His blessing, when I endure the seasons with His grace and waiting for Him to bring the life. He shows me the reasons for the seasons and has given me such deep fulfillment in my life as I have learned to trust His timing and live by HIs strength and grace.

May our precious Heavenly Father strengthen you today in whatever season you find yourself and may you hear the voice of His love and encouragement in the midst of it. I hope you will find His encouragement as you read Seasons of a Mother’s Heart.

: You may order it here: http://www.wholeheart.org/store-2/#ecwid:category=1117022&mode=product&product=4605088

Filed Under: Children, Joyful Life, Mothering, My Books

Cultivating Civility

September 16, 2011 by  13 Comments

Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.
C. S. Lewis

As I pursue the idea of building foundations of truth and beauty and loveliness into the souls of our children, I have to say that we cannot pass on what is not a part of our own lives. A mom is the CEO of her home, the one who determines and cultivates the life, activities, values and soul, she must be working from the depth of her own soul. This is a long term call–a long distance run, and so pacing ourselves, making sure our own emotional cups are full, seeing that we are growing in grace and beauty is essential to modeling that to our children. I will be more intent on writing about how to build foundations in little ones, but first I would suggest that a mom must define, “What kind of a woman do I want to be? How can I become more excellent? How I am doing on growing more in grace and civility each day?” I suggest that each year, moms who want to grow in wisdom, must take a morning or afternoon away to think through personal goals for themselves and the plan in time to make those goals happen. I will be writing more about that after I finish writing about how to establish values that build children into strong, godly leaders. But, first, you must define who you want to be, so that the influence you give to your children will come from your own soul-set values and convictions. Below I share a story of my own life from a few years ago–and I see that my children love it when I am a picture of civility–it draws them to their finer selves! Enjoy.

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Excitement bubbled up inside as I considered the day I had charted for myself. A morning away as a real, live friend, around my own age! Carefully applying my make up, smoothing my hair to its most beautiful style and dressing up in something a bit more sophisticated than my regular jeans marked an adult day out with a beloved friend. Time away from my work-a-day world of children, dishes, teaching, writing and then doing it all over again, is rare. I am one who sometimes likes the predictable on such days–depending on those places I know will bring pleasure and comfort. Meeting my friend in a favorite cafe promised to provide a spot for catching up and sharing dreams and ideas. Now the reason I am telling you this is that I was looking for a day off–a day without conflict, a day of rest before the “busy-ness”  of the year starts again!

High-backed, overstuffed chairs provided privacy from the other customers and just the settling in we needed for our morning together. A steamy pot of tea, warm apple-caramel coffee cake all went down easily. Times like this help me to find my center. A busy and passed-too-fast summer had left me a bit fragmented and out of breath. I was storing up this pleasure and goodness and relaxation against the very busy next few months of a new school year, which is upon me!

After an hour and a half of conversation, we were ready to proceed on to our next pleasure–a stop at a lovely gift shop, filled to the brim with china tea cups and pots, delectable bits of jams and jellies and tea; a beautiful array of cook books and biographies and children’s books, feminine clothing and an array of other girl-pleasing artifacts. We hoped to exchange some ideas with the owner about books and art and other future projects.

Just walking in was a pleasant sensate experience, because of all the pretty and fine gifts scattered around the shop. As we chatted with the store owner about our day and some of the books and one of my new projects, she engaged with us in lively conversation. I looked at my watch and realized that I needed to be home to take Joy to a choir practice and so I tried to savor my few minutes as of quiet heart-sharing with my friend. We left the shop and I drove home. Much to my pleasure, the traffic was much less than usual and I found myself home with a half-hour to spare.

I chose not to glance in the kitchen to see what messes were there, but instead, made myself a cup of hot tea. I knew the messes would be there to tame when we all got back home later. I walked over the backpack and a small stack of books on my stairs to my bedroom. They could be cleaned up before dinner. I walked in, lit my candles, turned on my cd with the soothing piano melodies rising and flowing from my Pride and Prejudice cd (very beautiful, by the way!). Joy, who had been in her room reading, heard me and gently knocked on my door.

“Come in, sweetness!” I responded. “Here, have a few sips of tea with me before we have to leave.”

She sat down, and began to bubble all over me with thoughts and ideas and incidences that had happened in her morning. I intentionally took a deep breath and observed with thanksgiving at my child who has so much become my delightful friend. We had fifteen minutes together in peace and pleasure.

“Mom, I am so glad you take time for civility–it makes me feel special, and most of all, it really makes me feel like you like listening to me and just celebrating life together.” (Has she been around Sarah lately? And now, she regularly lights candles, sips tea and reads–hummmm–where did she get the habit?)

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I taught my monthly mom’s group and we were discussing chapter 8 in Mission of Motherhood. Our topic was becoming the gardener of your children’s souls. Even as you would not expect a garden to emerge from throwing a handful of seeds into the wind into your back yard, so we cannot expect our children to have excellence in their own personal lives by just hoping it happens. Though education is important, it is mostly the way we invest in the other moments of life when our children’s souls, manners, habits, skills will determine who they really become. When we become the gardener of their souls, we plant beauty, memories, confidence, and  winsome ways of living that  will capture their own imaginations. (Mission of Motherhood)

First, we must take time to be civilized. I know that my soul dries out if I don’t plan in time that fills my own emotional cup. Getting away from my home (where all the chores cry out my name!), to a lovely place where I can think or read or share time with a friend is something I try to plan into my schedule. It doesn’t happen as often as I like, but I need it so that I can get back to my center and fill the cups of all those who are in my life to take from my own heart–children, husband, friends, and ministry. I will have nothing to give if I don’t take care of myself first. So each year as I plan my children’s needs and schedules and activities, I take time to get alone and evaluate, “How am I doing–physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally? How can I simplify my responsibilities so that I can make it with grace through the next months.

Next, though, I make sure to plan in civilizing times with my family–traditions like family dinners or deserts that we will share with our friends, special Sunday afternoon tea times–the first Apple Pie time with a story book. (Giving my children the responsibility of decorating the dining table, writing little notes of encouragement  to their guests who will come, lighting the candles, making the meal.) We plan a time for making cookies or bread or flower baskets to share with those we know who are in need of encouragement or love. (We found cute pumpkin baskets and filled them with dried flowers–Joy sold a few to raise money for a dog she hopes to purchase and then we chose two for special family friends who need to know they are appreciated.)

Plan civility into the moments of your life this fall. Make time for you to have your own experience, however small, that will remind you that you are royalty–as a child of the king. And then, make time for your family, to have peace and beauty and manners and elegance in your home, however small. It will produce a soul that values taking the time to celebrate the importance and intimacy of friendship and fellowship. Happy weekend!

Filed Under: Education, Food, Mothering, Music, My Books, Tea, Traditions

Fall ~ A New Season for Heart Work–focussing on the eternal

September 7, 2010 by  8 Comments


Julian Aiden Weir  Autumn Rain
The leaves are starting to turn from various shades of green to vibrant oranges, golds, and reds. Crisp morning air greets us as we close the bedroom windows, before heading downstairs to brew a hot cup of tea! A fresh, new season is just around the corner! As many families prepare to go “back to school,” our hearts wonder what God has in store for us next, what classes He has enrolled us in. Is it “Patience 101″ again?! Will I learn more about His love? Grace? Discipline?  I am in his school room of holiness as I model and teach my own how to walk daily with Him.

Fall has always felt to me like the real “new year” and I have great anticipation to have a new slate, with, as Anne of Green gables said, with  no mistakes made yet, all new possibilities. So it is exciting to see how the schedule will come together and what we will pursue in the way of commitments and activities.

Fall is also a strategic time to reflect on our children’s character and our own. Making sure my calendar is not so crammed with activities and lessons that the only time I have with Joy  is in the car is a filter for the commitments I am willing to make.

Fall is a reflective season in which to take some time to pray over each of my children, asking the Lord for wisdom in how to help each child grow in their faith–those who are in my house and those who are far away.  I ask God to show me their potential, their gifts, their temptations, the areas in which they need to grow. Wisdom comes from the Holy Spirit, who has access to my children’s hearts, minds and souls. As I read the word and pray, He impresses me with those thoughts that lead me to be a more intentional leader and mentor of each of them with their own unique personalities and needs.

Joy will finish her formal schooling in May. It will mark for me the end of my commitment to homeschooling, which started 26 years ago, so I want to end well. As an extrovert, she would like to be busy every day, every minute! Participating in a 3 practices a week drama troop, with many performances this fall (The Importance of Being Ernest), will keep her quite busy. Added to that is dance, her history group, Inklings group, piano lessons, voice and small discipleship group, and we are pretty booked–let alone my own ministry schedule which I fit in between her commitments.  She wanted to take some more outside classes (she is a driven personality–easy to finish on!)

But this will be my last focused opportunity to really drive home the deep messages of Christ, to read the last round of great books, to cultivate discussion, to build into her heart, to have those last cozy tea times, just Joy and me, and watch the Holy Spirit turn our time into memories that will feed her soul for her whole life.

So, I limited her from signing up for college pathways, the two classes her friends were taking. Why? Not because they were not good classes, but they would have robbed me from the chance to intentionally use this year to touch her heart for eternity! Probably, for me it would have been easier if she could have taken outside classes that I didn’t have to teach, and I have certainly loved so many of our coop classes that she has taken.

But, I prayed about my schedule and really felt the Lord tell me to “Make time for building into her life.” And so I am planning and choosing books and arranging some social gatherings in our home that will make this a great year for her and for me.

In light of this, I thought I would share with you some of my previous thoughts about my own children as I was discipling them through the teen years. Chapter 6 in The Ministry of Motherhood is devoted to inspiring a sense of purpose in our children’s lives. In that chapter, I tell about how then sixteen-year-old Joel and I discussed his possible career choices. Here is an excerpt from pages 72 and 73:

Jesus’ work in a person’s life has always begun with a call to leave behind the goals, purposes, and distractions of this world and to say yes to a whole new life, a new way of thinking. “Follow me” is what he told the disciples as he recruited them. And they did, abandoning their fishing nets, their tax-collector’s moneybags, their permanent homes, their everyday duties and pleasures. And they never went back. Sure, they still did a little fishing from time to time! But once they made the choice to follow Jesus, their lives were forever changed. They never returned to “normal.”

I think this is vital for us to keep in mind as Christians and as parents. We know we are called to follow Christ, to take his message to the world, to raise our children to heed Jesus’ call. But  sometimes I think we fail to consider that following the Lord might mean leaving behind the ordinary and the familiar. It means exchanging a temporal view of life for an eternal goal. And this may mean leaving behind things we really care about — involvements and pursuits that seem important and worthwhile but may not be God’s best for us.

Part of giving the gift of inspiration is helping our children understand this — and perhaps reminding ourselves. To fulfill God’s design for their lives, our precious children must at some point determine to give Jesus allegiance in every aspect of their lives. There is a cost to discipleship, and that cost is everything!

Exchanging a temporal view of life for an eternal goal. Our lives will not reflect the world’s values. As mothers, we are life-givers. Our culture encourages us to live for the moment. But how does that give life? How can being selfish bring about an eternal goal of holiness? Many times we allow a behavior to continue, thinking we will “get back to it” when it is more convenient, but does that time ever come? We want to give our children every possible opportunity to be creative, to find their strengths and weaknesses. Do we ask why we are involved in so many activities? Will this produce eternal fruit? Or just weariness? Sometimes we need to take a break from our normal routine to see just how out of control we are. Sometimes the Lord allows something into our lives to slow us down, to help us focus on what He really wants us to do.

As Christian moms, our hearts’ desire is to follow the Lord and do His will. We want to set a godly example for our children. God has a plan and a purpose for our lives, but we need to make ourselves available to Him. When we surround ourselves with busyness, we cannot hear His still small voice. Let’s look at some Scriptures that remind us of who He wants us to be.

Some Biblical Wisdom

Philippians 1:6 says, “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

What will God do in your life? When will He finish that work? How does this encourage you in your walk with Him and in your children’s spiritual growth?

Meditate on these words from Isaiah 55:8-9:
“‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways,’ declares the Lord.

‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways

And My thoughts than your thoughts.’”

Can you think of a situation where God’s ways were not your ways? Why are His ways better than our ways?

Ephesians 2:10 is a great reminder that the Lord has a plan for our lives:

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.”

Who are we? We are created in Christ for what? Who prepared the works for us to do? What work has God created you to do? Does God know why He has given your child his or her particular personality? Does He have a plan for leading them to their life’s work? How can you encourage each child to pursue what God has uniquely prepared him or her to do?

Application

Put together a puzzle with your children. Leave a couple of pieces out so the puzzle cannot be completed. Use this to explain:

  • How God has specific good works He wants each of us to do. If we do not do those works, there will be “holes” in our ministry to others? What will be the holes in the lives of others that could have been filled if we had followed God?.
  • How God wants us to surrender our entire lives, not just certain pieces. He wants us to be complete in Him.
  • If our life was a puzzle, God would keep working in our life until it was complete. He would not give up!

As you pray over your children, take time to listen to God’s voice. Is this the school year to simplify and focus on things of eternal value instead of trying to do it all? Is this the season to fall into His arms and just rest? May the Lord give you wisdom as you seek His purpose in your life!

Filed Under: Beauty, Bible Studies, Family, My Books, Nature, Ponderings, Simplicity

This impossible, difficult, relentless life–a call from God!

August 27, 2010 by  12 Comments

“He endured the cross, despising the shame, and has now sat down at the right hand of the throne of the God, His Father.”

Early mornings on my front porch, light fog mysteriously dancing amongst the trees, shimmering aspens singing soothingly–a perfect atmosphere. Sweet moments stolen away from the rest of the sleeping household afforded a time for friendship to be celebrated, hearts to be shared and stories to cherish. My treasured friend, in the same season of life as me, commented on the impossibility of our earlier lives. Multiple moves, loneliness, fears, both of us with a child out of the box, mysterious and spending some childhood years expressing anger, both of us saddled with children who had medical and mental illness issues,  out of the box anxiety as a way of life for them,  and causing havoc in our homes. Both of us living on financial support that was sometimes enough and many times just a prayer away. Both of us knowing the deep feelings of anxiety wondering if we were ruining our children when we saw starkly in the daily-ness of life our own inadequacies. For me, rare support from my family who also wondered if I was ruining my children.

And then there were the messes, longing for time alone, fusses, educational pressure, peer pressure from those who expected more from my children than they would expect from children whose parents were not writers and speakers. And then just the coming to the end of myself–over and over again–and not knowing how I was going to make it, but somehow finding myself a year further along. 

Marriage between two fragile and extremely different, self-centered immature people came crashing in the tension amidst the most stressful moments. Yet, loyalty, a character quality  of Him, my teacher, who designed marriage,  taught us to hold on, to give grace, to love beyond our human capacity and to live in His power–by faith, by hope, by needing to believe that it all mattered.

Sweet memories and struggles, failures and victories shared, made our friendship grow in value. We had both traveled this impossible road, in different cities, sometimes different continents, cried, struggled, prayed and begged God for relief.

But, still we kept on, one step at a time in faith in the one who had placed these eternal, precious human beings in our hands, whose souls would have value through-out all eternity. These He entrusted to our hands, our hearts, our lives. And so, to honor Him, we pushed beyond the dark times and strained for the light–His light. Because we knew He had called us–He designed us to civilize, to impart wisdom, grace, righteousness and strength, even though we had to learn it as we went. But faithfulness pushed us along because we had pledged to Him our lives–all of our lives–and wanted to please and protect all that He entrusted into our hands.

And now we see the fruit. It did matter–this keeping going, straining to hold onto our ideals. Our children, yet growing, took into their very souls, our love, heart messages, sincere worship of Him, and are now living it out in their arenas against odds as they live their own impossible lives.

But the sharing of our failures and fears, the struggles, the inadequacies–these are what women long to hear–that they may know there is yet hope for them in the midst of their own impossible life.

It is out of learning to receive God’s forgiving love amidst sin, grace and beauty in the mundane, seeing impossible prayer answered when hope was gone, living through all the thousands of mundane moments that I have a platform to minister–to reach out to others–out of compassion for what I have already struggled through–this is real ministry–not perfection but grace in my inadequacies, not performance, but believing in His ability to take my paltry offering and making it holy.

Often, even now, I wonder how I made it this far. Grace, all grace.

The danger of following any writer or speaker is that it is so very easy to imagine by the words they craft, that they are somehow anointed–they made it because they were more perfect or more mature–

In my case this is not true. I have sinned, yelled, struggled, feared, lived in darkness–yet, learning I was in a battle for souls, somehow I kept going one step at a time.

When I wrote Dancing with my Father, and studied the issue of Biblical joy, it somehow encouraged me to know that David, who penned, “In His presence is fullness of joy,” is the same one who often despaired for his very soul. “Where are you, oh God? Why have you hidden your face from me.”

Even Jesus himself was beset by sadness (a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief). He despised the shame he experienced when being spat upon, being manhandled, whipped, scorned–even while he was being perfectly obedient to God–he despised shame, cried for the death of a friend, was often (at least 3 times) trouble in His spirit.

So, though this life can seem to be difficult, relentless, and yes, impossible, we are in good company when we struggle. We have a high priest who prays for us. We have a sympathetic shepherd who experienced the same. Yet, this is our gift, that even as he stayed faithful amidst his battles for the sake of redeeming us, His children, so He will give us strength to stay strong, to serve and love, so that in pleasing Him, we may stay devoted to our own precious children. Grace to you precious ones through it all.

Filed Under: Lifegiver, Mothering, My Books, Trust in God

Child Discipline, part 2 and Our 24 Family Ways

July 28, 2010 by  10 Comments

Train up a child in the way he should go and even when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

When Joy was growing up, she just about had 5 parents. Since her next oldest sibling was 6 years older than her, everyone thought they knew what she needed. I used to laugh inside when my older kids were 15 and above and they would say, “Joy, you need to clean up your messes, put your dish in the dishwasher, tell your friends to clean up their toys after they play, etc.” 

There were  so many instances in my life when I would correct my older kids and I didn’t think they were paying attention, but somewhere as they moved from youth to adulthood, I could see that they had internalized our training and lived by our family ways. 

As Clay told me, from his study of the Hebrew, in this verse, “when he is old,” refers to when he grows a beard. In other words, when a child moves to adulthood, he will adopt the ways he has learned to walk.

Even in brain development, I discovered through reading a number of articles, that the brain has pathways in it, much like roads. The more a brain thinks or receives a certain message, the deeper the rut in the brain. So, when we verbalize our values and repeat scripture and train up our children along certain paths, these paths grow deeper in their brains and inform them how to live life. I love it when God’s word moves in sync with science.

This is why child discipline is more about training and discipleship than it is about spanking or using the rod. 

But it is so important for us to understand that each of us comes to parenting with a grid or filter. Your filter or grid will determine how you respond to every situation with your children. 

If your grid is animosity based, in other words, seeing yourself as the police who must correct and punish every single act and be on guard not to miss anything, then you will face your child in a behavioral way–according to the rules they break, but not according to the spirit of the law. This brings about legalism, and harshness and guilt, because one thinks they must play this role or they will lose their children.

We based our grid on the understanding that God wanted us to love our children and relate to them with affirmation, acceptance, life-giving words and instruction, to receive them as a gift, much as Jesus did with His disciples. We also knew that “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,” and that this sin-nature made each of our children self-centered and selfish. And as we observed scripture and the way God worked in our lives, we could see that His goal for discipline and training for us, was to shape our hearts to become conformed to the image of Christ. “He disciplines us that we may share in His holiness.”

So, our hearts were to move our children away from their naturally selfish, sinful hearts, to train them and give them a heart for learning what it meant to love God and to obey His ways and to learn to conform their values and behavior in the ways of righteousness and by learning to love and become like Jesus. 

“The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, that shines brighter and brighter until the full day.”Provers 4:18

We understood that child training was a slow, steady process. We instructed our children constantly along the path of truth and God’s ways, and when they got off the path, we corrected them and led them back on–a relational, loving, intentional path of life. This kind of child training is intentional, full-time, all-in. 

Even as Jesus trained, lived with, instructed, modeled righteousness to His disciples, so we attempted to do with our own children–slow, purposeful, attentive, steady–helping our children in the very atmosphere of our home to breathe the very life, truth and values of Jesus.

When my children were very young, Clay and I discussed what were the “ways” in which we wanted our children to go, as the verse said. When we had purposed to follow the Biblical ways, that we wanted our children to go, we had a grid for looking at every moment in their lives as a time to teach them the right “ways”, correct them when they violated our “ways”, model to them our “ways.”

For instance, in our 24 Family Ways, one of the areas is in reference to relationships, way number 5 is “We treat one another, treating others with kindness, gentleness and respect.” The memory verse for this particular way is, “Beloved, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 

And so when my children violated this way, speaking unkindly or being rough, we always said, “What is our way about relationships, what is our memory verse?” Then we had a foundation in their hearts and brains about how to build relationships. Repeated hundreds if not thousands of times in their lifetime, they became gracious adults–it was the way in which the Clarksons directed our path in our home. 

Or, for instance, about work, “We are diligent to complete a task promptly and thoroughly when asked.”

Or, “We choose to be joyful, even when we feel like complaining.”

These ways, the memory verses, the devotionals, were repeated many times at different times during their lives and so it became a very part of their soul and values. They became familiar with God’s Biblical ways and verses, so that when they were old enough to respond to the Lord, they had a vocabulary that He could use in their hearts to remind them of the “way in which to go.” It was a part of their soul make-up, their brain’s pathways of truth.

What I learned as I had more children was that my younger ones could repeat the ways and verses at very young ages (even 2 years old) because we studied the ways with them on our lap, studied the verses that went with each way, said the scriptures outloud, and so it was going into their hearts.

If as a small child, one of mine started screaming or having a fit, I would immediately pick them up and say, “No, you may not get attention for screaming and I would isolate them or put them into their crib and say very firmly, when you can talk to Mommy in a normal voice, I will listen to you.” I would sit quietly and wait until they quit crying or whining and then I would pick them up. And then I would repeat what we had decided, “Mommy knows you are tired of upset, but Jesus says, that we can choose to be joyful even when we feel like complaining, so when you can control your spirit, then mommy will listen to you and we will talk. But you have to make the choice to control your spirit. And at very early ages our children learned to control their tempers. We would always come back to our ways.

I think that I see that for me, discipline has not been joyful in my own life. God has had to show me my selfishness, sin, bad attitudes and I have had to repent. And so discipline is hard work and always means confronting the selfish sinful nature and turning it away to obedience to Christ’s ways. I think that often people think that if you are grace-based, it means never disciplining. But all child discipline requires lots of time and attention and going against the will of your children. But if your focus is on their heart and their attitudes and on giving them time and appropriate expectations to slowly mature, their hearts will be deeply engaged and will learn to respond.

Years ago, when our children were small, Clay developed a devotional guide for our family. It is revised and available once again. This is from the preface to Our 24 Family Ways:

If you are like most of the Christian parents we know, you want to teach your children the Bible, instill biblical values deep in their hearts, train them in Christian character and godly living, and strengthen their relationship with the Lord. That’s what we wanted for our children, which gave birth to Our 24 Family Ways.

The 24 Ways are divided into six areas: authorities, relationships, possessions, work, attitudes, and choices. Within each area, there are four “Ways” – statements that reflect biblical principles. Clay used the ARTS outline to teach each Way:

A – Ask a question

R – Read the Bible

T – Talk about it

S – Speak to God

These four activities help parents and children to learn and understand what the Bible says. Even young children can engage in the Bible verses and stories. (When teaching little ones, make sure there are questions where the answer is “Jesus!” so they get some right!) By instilling biblical values in your children, you are helping them to grow up loving the Lord and His ways. They will do the right thing based on God’s Word, not just because someone they admire does it that way.

The 24 ways gave us an intentional, objective way to go to over and over again for scripture, wisdom, principles to give our children a picture of “the way they should go.” What a Christian parent needs is a Bible and guidance from the Holy Spirit. 

Some families pray about areas their children are struggling with and design their own devotionals around Scriptures related to those sins. Showing your children that God’s Word is the first place to turn when we have difficulties is one of the most important lessons you can teach. Pray with your children, showing them how to ask for God’s help in being a godly child. Share with them how you struggle with that sin or something similar. Stories of how you behaved as a child are especially powerful since sometimes our children can’t believe we were once small!

Pray daily for wisdom to see what you’re to see in your child’s character, wisdom in knowing how to correct what must be corrected now, and patience to wait on correcting other areas. Training your children is intentional and takes time!

Some Biblical Wisdom

Luke 2:52 says, “And Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.” In what four ways did Jesus grow? Spend some time in prayer for each of your children that they would grow in these ways.

The classic verses for why we should memorize Scripture are Psalm 119:9,11. “How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word. Your word I have treasured in my heart that I may not sin against You.” How can memorizing Scripture help your children? Is there a verse that would help your child with a character issue they struggle with? I Corinthians 13 (the love chapter) has several great verses dealing with patience, kindness, and self-control.

“The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1. How does spending time in God’s Word with your children  build your house? What are some other ways you can build? Are there things you have done that tore down your house? Spend a few minutes in prayer, asking God for forgiveness and wisdom in how to rebuild those places.

Application

The fruit of the Spirit is an excellent list of the character qualities we want our children (and ourselves) to have. Read Galatians 5:22,23 with your children. Pick one of these qualities to work on as a family this week. Compliment your children when you see them exhibit this quality.

Pray for opportunities this week to teach your children using God’s Word. May the Lord bless you as you continue to build your house!

Giveaway Winner Announced!

Thank you for all the great ideas on how you’re building relationships with your children! The winner of the Our 24 Family Ways drawing is Angela from Pennsylvania! Congratulations, Angela!

Filed Under: Bible Studies, Child Training, Children, Family, Mothering, My Books, Our Family, Parenting

Heartfelt Discipline – And a Giveaway!

July 15, 2010 by  52 Comments


 
Clay’s book on Heartfelt Discipline–hopefully to be back in print the end of the year!

 
One of the most common emails or letters that I get concerns child discipline. How do you make your children stay in bed at night? My daughter will not obey my husband but runs to me when he tries to discipline her. What should I do? My children are always bickering and I want them to stop.

Now all of these are common habits of children and of course our goal is to help our children to mature enough that they will move toward mature behavior and learn self-control and practice obedience. The maturing of a child is a life-long process that will take many years. But it is possible to have pleasant children, most of the time, who are secure, happy and moving towards godly character.

However, it is not by formula or “follow these rules” that the shaping of their heart and character is developed. This is not a post about how many spanks for lying, talking back, or giving Mommy “the look.” This is not a post about Ten Easy Steps to Make Your Children Obey. Our culture is formula-driven and impatient. We want to know what to do, how to do it, and when we can expect results so we can move on to the next issue. Surrounded by these false teachings, no wonder so many moms are tired and stressed and feel that they have failed when their less than perfect children continue to act like children–and often are out of control from being treated as objects of discipline and punishment instead of unique children with gender and personality and maturity differences.

For many years, I have pondered scripture as well as the ways God parents the Jews and how He seems to parent me. Our Heavenly Father is loving, gracious, and makes all things beautiful in His time. His timetable for my life and for answers to my own prayers and questions seems to take a lot longer than I ever would. He doesn’t seem to mind at all letting me suffer through circumstances–instead He encourages me to hold fast, obey, stay strong and so many times He makes me wait for things. 

As I look at how Jesus worked with His disciples, He was patient with them, put up with their personality differences, often said, “They did not understand,” and let them fail. Aren’t you thankful He loves you enough to stick with you, gently pointing out areas of your life that need work, and allow you ample opportunities to grow in those areas? I know I am! I have often felt that I make so many mistakes that I am disqualified from being in ministry. But He still chooses to use me, by His grace, because His glory is to show His likeness and grace through normal, human beings.

With this kind of a patient, loving, accepting Father, I have no other choice but to be like him as a parent to my children.

The reason I want to obey Him and please Him is because of a deep, heart fulfilling relationship I experience with Him most of the time. But there are times I feel far away from Him, and still He loves me and waits until my heart warms again.  I believe He is trustworthy and has integrity and calls to my inner self–that if I follow Him and obey Him, I will find the best for my life.

He loves me, He cares for me, He teaches me truth, He calls me to excellence, He gives me purpose, He humbles me, He provided beauty and love and intellect to give my life scope, challenge, meaning and stimulation, He provides for celebration and feasts in His plan for the life of His people, He commands rest. He called me into a relationship with Him before He started working on my attitudes, my bad habits, and the areas of sin with which I struggle.

His discipline and love and training for me is a whole life experience, not limited somehow to “paddle-time.”

Several years ago, Clay wrote a book called Heartfelt Discipline. It is out-of-print now, but we plan to put it back in print. So many parents have told us how it changed their concept of “discipline.” In the first chapter, Clay wrote:

“We are all influenced by the cultural tendency to view discipline only as punishment. To be honest, this narrow view makes things easier on us as parents. If my disciplinary responsibility is fulfilled by a simple act of punishment or correction, then very little else is required of me. But God has issued a much higher calling. Biblical discipline is much more than an act. It is both an ongoing, heart-to-heart relationship and a continuous spiritual interaction with my children. It is far more than simple correction; it is a parent and child walking together along the path of life. That is the Bible’s bigger picture. ” p. 15 of Heartfelt Discipline

Discipline is about a heart-to-heart relationship,  continuous spiritual interaction.

Does that sound easy? time-consuming? sacrificial? intentional? I have yet to meet a mom who told me she felt so refreshed after working on her child’s character training! What you are doing will affect eternity ~ you are in a battle for the hearts of your children. Your enemy wants you to feel like a failure, he wants you to give up. He does not want you to see baby steps of progress ~ he wants you discouraged. Is it a wonder then that so many moms look for shortcuts to having “the perfect child”?

Many of the shortcuts leave out the relationship completely or allow the child to usurp the parents’ authority. Here are some words from The Ministry of Motherhood (p. 37):

“Sometimes we serve our children best and most lovingly by sticking to our guns and not letting them have their way. Loving discipline can be part of the gift of grace. So can teaching with words and exhorting our children to excellence. But the relationship has to come first. Discipline and teaching are most effective when administered in a context of a close, ongoing relationship of love.”

Some Biblical Wisdom

1. Discipline is a long term process based on long term family relationships. Timothy is one of the classic examples of a young man whose godly mother and grandmother invested in his life. In II Timothy 1:5 Paul wrote, “For I am mindful of the sincere faith within you, which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am sure that it is in you as well.” What dwelt in Timothy’s mother and grandmother? How do you think they passed that on to Timothy? They did not have children’s Bibles or Awana or DVDs.

2. Read Romans 2:4, “Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you towards repentance? What does this verse say leads to repentance? Whose kindness is this verse talking about? If God used patience and kindness and tolerance (mercy) in relationship to us to lead us to Him, what does that say about our attitude toward our children?

3. Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.” What are we tempted to do? What will happen if we persevere? How does this encourage you as a mom?

Application

What are some practical ways you can build relationships with your children this week? Fixing ice cream cones (it’s supposed to reach 100 degrees today!)? Playing with them? Reading books to them? Building legos–doing what they want to do! For a list of great family oriented books, see Sarah’s Recommended List of Children’s Literature here.

Give Away


Another way that Clay and I knew how to train our children was that we laid out very clearly what values we wanted to pass on to our children. We published this devotional book that we used as a family. Training is specific and it gave our children something to shoot towards. We will give a 24 Family Ways away next Thursday. 


 

To purchase or read about Our Twenty Four Family Ways, go here.

 To be entered in the drawing, leave a comment on this post; connect this post to your blog or facebook or twitter, and then let us know by contacting admin@wholeheart.org

 Post a comment telling a practical way you are building relationships with your children. We will focus on character qualities we desire our children (and ourselves) to have in next week’s Bible study. Until then, pray to “keep heart” and to not grow weary!

For more on discipline, you can read this older post: Will Training

Filed Under: Bible Studies, Child Training, Children, Family, Lifegiver, Mothering, My Books, Our Family, Parenting, People, Relationships, Siblings, Trust in God

The power of life-giving words

July 8, 2010 by  10 Comments

Studying the word of God–together–a new weekly article for Itakejoy!

I receive so many emails from moms asking specific questions: How do I discipline my two year old? When should I start “school”? How can I build a stronger relationship with my teen who is more interested in spending time with friends than with our family? How can I love my husband when he isn’t being the spiritual leader our family needs? As much as I would love to answer each email personally, there is just not enough of me to go around! As I’ve prayed and wondered how I can minister to more women, the idea of posting a weekly Bible study has come to mind. By taking an in-depth look at some of the topics I’ve written about, I hope that you will dig into God’s Word and lean on Him to give you His strength and wisdom. You are the only one navigating the Mom Walk He has designed just for you.

This week, we are going to look at the power of words. I have been thinking about the importance of words lately – they bring life or death. Jesus was called the word and His life brought hope and redemption and truth and guidance. 

I have met so many young 20 somethings who have scars from their parents–mainly, I have heard stories of parents who never encouraged or had time to listen or believe in dreams or sympathize. “My parents never listened to me. They never understood me. They were always angry at me,” is often what I hear. 

But if we were to look at the Word, Jesus himself, we would see intentional encouragement. “Peter, you are the rock. Thomas, a ma in whom there is no guile. The centurion–no one has had faith like you. Mary, your story will be told about you for all times.” Jesus always took time to show love to initiate words of life–even to believe in Peter and encourage him as he was about to rebel against him. Peter, Satan has desired to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you……”

A word held back could keep a person from hope, faith, affirmation — or it could keep them from scarring a child, building a wall, separating friends. James tells us that we should be very careful of our words and that we will be held accountable for them someday. Here are just a few thoughts on words from The Ministry of Motherhood.

Words are powerful; the Bible is full of that message. The whole universe came into being because God spoke the words. God’s written word in the form of Scripture is central to his ongoing communication with his people. Jesus himself, God’s ultimate form of communication, is described as the Word of God. And the Bible is clear that our words are important too. Many verses instruct us in the importance of words spoken as a source of life and encouragement. A few of these verses from Proverbs describe how precious words can be:

A soothing tongue is a tree of life. (15:4)

A man has joy in an apt answer,

And how delightful is a timely word! (15:23)

Like apples of gold in settings of silver

Is a word spoken in right circumstances. (25:11)

Encouraging and affirming words — words of life, as I like to call them — have the power to give hope, to strengthen others to keep growing in righteousness. And if I, a grown woman, need them to keep me going through hard times, my children need them even more. Positive words act as water and sunshine to our souls to help them grow strong.   
taken from The Ministry of Motherhood, p. 41

In Proverbs 15:4, how is a soothing tongue a tree of life? How do bitter words stunt growth?

Proverbs 15:23 says a timely word is delightful. How can you encourage one of your children with a “timely word” today? Have you received a “timely word” in your quiet time lately? How did that encourage you?

Gold and silver are precious metals mentioned in Proverbs 25:11. Read this verse to your children and have them illustrate what they think this would look like. Discuss how our words can create a picture of beauty for others. End your time with an apple snack. =)

May the Lord bless you with creative ideas on ways you can speak life to your loved ones this week!

Filed Under: Bible Studies, Family, Lifegiver, Mothering, My Books

Rest, part 2…an inner attitude of the heart–

June 22, 2010 by  15 Comments


 
 ”In repentance and rest you will be saved, In quietness and trust is your strength.”
  ~ Isaiah 30: 15

A dear friend of mine had a surgery and she was told by the doctors and some friends that she would be back to normal in no time–maybe even back to her schedule on the second or third day. Her surgery took more time than they had thought, as there were a few complications, and even after 3 months, she was still recuperating. Her body needed time to adjust before it would come back to normal.

Sometimes I think that we come to God and expect Him to work today, this minute, now! Yet, we have been living busily, with stress, too much work, no rest, fear, works oriented, too many commitments, not according to God’s ways, for years and years and we want a quick fix! But what I have learned from living with Him these many years is that God rarely seems to be in a hurry. When He wants me to learn a lesson or change my lifestyle, often it takes quite a time to adjust and move into the wisdom He wants me to know.

So it is with rest and peace and refueling. It takes time to restore.

True rest comes from an inner heart attitude of relinquishing my rights to God

Even more, true rest comes from clothing my heart with a different paradigm–not living by the outer, demanding circumstances and relationship demands of my life, but from an inner compass, an inner grid that stays in tune with God’s ways, His power, His direction, His plans.

 No amount of forced sleep or taking time away can create rest if my heart is in turmoil. Because God is bigger than me and I am so limited in my humanness, He has had to get my attention many times in order to teach me His ways for me in my life in this world. I will share just a few thoughts on rest that have been enlightening to me over the years and lately.

1. Come to Jesus!

“Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. for I am gentle and humble of heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Learn from me–is there any other place in scripture where Jesus says specifically–LEARN FROM ME. I have pondered this verse a lot this year. Jesus is humble of heart–a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. He had no stately form or majesty that we should look upon him. He embraced children, forgave prostitutes, touched lepers. In coming to Him and pondering Him, I have slowly realized that He is with me, He wants me to learn from Him–in following Him and living out His priorities and ways, I will find rest.

  He is not one who lived for the praise or pleasing of others, and so I will find rest when I live not for the praise of others or seeking to fit in with those who cannot offer me peace. He lived by the love and grace in His heart  It is in pondering Jesus, and thinking about Him and submitting myself to His priorities of life that I have begun to live in peace.

It means living with your limitations and in the midst of it, abiding in His presence–

Living well within my skin–I will never be perfect or get everything done or always be patient, or understand or even always like my children, my husband, my life–but Jesus is here–He will take my problems, stresses, sins, fears, and He will be the source of my strength–He will take care of me and give me rest. He will give me strength to endure and then flourish if I look to His presence and provision

2. Learn to wait! (Did I hear a big uhg!!!!?) 

“Rest in the Lord, wait patiently for Him.” Psalm 37:7

My notes say, “Feed on His faithfulness.” for the word rest.

Isaiah says in quietness and rest will be your strength. It also says in Isaiah 40, “Those who wait on the Lord will gain new strength.” You want new strength–you have to wait on God.

I could give a zillion more verses on waiting, but waiting and not doing my will or trying to help God or begging Him—but waiting is where peace, rest and strength will come–it is His way of getting our attention, of helping us to change our heart toward His will, of learning that He is in control.

waiting till you get married; waiting till you get that new job; waiting till you get pregnant; 

waiting till your baby sleeps through the night or doesn’t need diapers anymore or gets through the terrible twos or learns to read, or, or, or; 

waiting till you get that bigger house or new car, waiting till your teenager quits having such hormonal, irrational moments, 

waiting through the mystery of trying to understand or help a child who is autistic, downs syndrome, adhd, bi-polar, obsessive, compulsive or out of the box

waiting till your husband matures or until your work is over or whatever–we are always hoping and waiting for something–but in waiting on God in the midst of His will, we will find rest–not in changing the circumstances. 

We can only have rest inside that spreads through to our outside if we relinquish controls and expectations and wait, resting, trusting in Him in the midst of a storm.

Why did Jesus sleep through the storm on the sea? Well, for one thing, he was exhausted, so he fell asleep–talking to people all day long, ministering, helping, feeding, well–it is just exhausting.

But for another thing, he had no fear in the storm, he could rest because He knew the one who was more powerful than the storm and He knew He was in His care, so he rested in the storm while everyone else needlessly fretted and raved and tried to control it. 

3. Don’t be Martha–be Mary!

I cannot achieve peace or rest in my life when I am running around like a chicken with its head off. There are so many applications about Martha–but overall, she was working too hard, feeling like a martyr, supposing she was bearing the whole world on her shoulders since Mary wasn’t willing to help, fussing about and complaining and missing life in her overwhelming busyness. 

I know Marthas. I have been a Martha–anxious, busy, complaining, criticizing others, supposing by the franticness of my life, I am accomplishing lots.

I have learned, in my exhaustion, when God had my attention: Simplify, don’t do activities that steal peace, rest or harmony unless you are absolutely sure they are necessary. Stop living by works. Stop trying to perform–sit down, listen to wisdom, be quiet, get perspective. 

4. Do not allow yourself to be anxious, or fearful and do not worry!

Ulcers, heart palpitations, fibromyalgia, cancer, depression–many illnesses are caused by anxiety, fear and anger. You cannot experience rest and you cannot get over exhaustion without trusting God. These attitudes wear us down, exhaust us, keep us from sleep. Faith is a choice to believe God, to believe Him that He will lead us out of this season, even when we do not understand or know the answer. Faith is a healer and faith restores physical strength. We are not made to carry the burdens of this world–only He is strong enough. There is no burden that He is not willing to carry or lift if we yield it to Him.

Psalm 37: 8 says, “Fret not, it leads only to evil doing.”

Jesus himself said, “Do not be anxious for your life.” Matt. 6: 25

Paul said, “Do not be anxious about anything, but pray about everything, and the peace of God will guard your heart.” Philippians 4: 6-7

When my children were very young and were whining or crying loudly, out of control,  having a tantrum, I would pick them up, take them to their crib and say, “I cannot speak to you or hel
p you while you are out of control and crying. When you can quit crying and be quiet, then you will be able to hear my voice and I can help and comfort you.”

It is the same with God. Though we, like children, don’t always like what we have been given or feel good about our circumstances, the plain truth is that God is always right and His ways are always the best. We can throw a tantrum, cultivate anxiety, try to find peace by doing it our way, but He will just wait until we are quiet so that we can hear His voice and then be willing to let Him give comfort or perspective.

I wish I had just enjoyed life more instead of fighting against it. I could have had more rest, more fun, more joy. Much of the stress we feel or experience is just the norm of life–like living through the stages of a family of children, in the midst of the details of life–it is all ok. It is going to pass and another stress will come. Just relax-

Today, the circumstances you are in, the limitations you have, the relationships you have been given is the place in which God is present. Today you have the choice to seek to learn what you can, to strive to rest in His will, to cultivate a patient heart that trust in Him, to celebrate life. Today, if you bow your will, even if you don’t especially like where you are, you will find that His will is good and acceptable and perfect. It will bring healing to your bones, rest to your heart, joy to your minutes. 

It is one of the reasons I wrote Dancing with my Father–I wanted not to be a victim of life, but to learn His rhythm, to hear His music, to follow His lead.

Filed Under: Beauty, Bible Studies, Joyful Life, My Books, Ponderings, Simplicity, Trust in God