Mary Cassatt The Maternal Kiss
“And Jesus took the children in his arms and began touching them and He blessed them” Mark 10: 16
Last weekend when we were speaking at the Military Regional Women’s Conference in Hawaii, someone asked Joy, my 16 year old daughter, to share how to reach the heart of your child or teenager, and she replied.
“Every night, no matter what, I knew that my mom would come to my bed and spend time with me and talk with me and pray with me before I went to bed. It was our time, where I could pour out my fears, my secrets, my confessions and my dreams. If you want to win your teen, you need to give them time to talk to you and bed time is a great time to do that.”
I was a little surprised to hear her answer, that out of all the things we did, that came to her mind. But, early in our marriage, we heard someone speak about bed time being an important time for children and so Clay and I were very intentional about creating our own routines.
No matter what a day has held: fussing, conflict, excitement, drudgery, joy, celebration, hard work, putting the day to end well is a wise endeavor. When we understand this idea of blessing our child each night before they go to bed, it carries with it the idea of giving our children a peaceful heart. We give love to our child’s heart when we tie all loose ends together with unconditional love by blessing them every night, putting to rest all of the burdens of the day and giving them into the hands of God. Every day, we ended in words of love and grace.
No matter what has transpired through out the day, we can close it by speaking to our child’s heart. “I love you no matter what. Forgive me for my impatience today, please? Or I forgive you for your disobedience today. You are very precious to me. I am blessed to have you. You may go to sleep without bearing anger, or a guilty conscience, or fear, because I love you and God loves you and He will be with you. Sleep in peace, my precious.”
Bedtime can be such a burden for an exhausted mom. Understanding that everyone’s adrenalin is down helped me to remember not to cultivate conflict at night, but to wait for the next day to face problems head on, when everyone’s bodies were more capable of dealing with issues. Please do not picture that our bedtimes were without struggle, but I think when you are intentional about making it an anchor of the day and guiding and leading your children into an expectation of the end of the day being relational, it becomes a grace to all that has transpired. But, bedtime gives our children one last impression of their whole day and it is a redeeming time of bringing and restoring and offering peace.
Clay and I had elaborate bedtime routines for our children when they were young so that they knew what was coming, and more easily submitted to the routine. As Nathan had some ocd about bedtime, we knew that if he could not remember the prayer and the kiss, he would not be able to go to sleep. So often, I would repeat a short prayer and say, “Now, I want you to remember this time, how much I love you and God loves you.” And now I realize that children do not stay in this stage forever and one more kiss did not hurt me.
The Routine– Bathtime, books, and the blessing
I had a very large tub in a couple of my homes. We would put the kids in with every imaginable toy in the world–whatever it took to keep them their and to give them a place to give up one last surge of energy. During this time, I would sit down and rest and read or have a cup of something, even if the dishes were still in the sink or the house was not cleaned up. I would just spend a few minutes restoring myself, because I wanted to be available to extend the last moments of the day blessing the kids.
Then we would take turns getting the children out, pajama’d, teeth brushed. Finally, if all was done in an orderly manner, we gathered in the living room for a short read aloud from a child’s story book. This routine of expectation helped them to understand that bedtime and sleep time was coming. Our children seemed to thrive more easily on routine.
After we read, we would send the kids to the bathroom one last time, and then each child would be tucked into bed personally, touched or stroked on a forehead and prayed for and kissed. Every night we gave an “I love you,” or “I am so very blessed to have you,” or some intentional words of acceptance and encouragement.”
I think positive peer pressure works well here. If you train your first child to this routine, “Now it is bedtime. We have bathed, read, prayed and now you get such a privilege–you get to snuggle in your lovely bed with your soft, cuddly stuffed animals and go into dreamland.”
We always talked sweetly of their beds and made them as delightful as possible. When all the children work in routines together, the younger ones tend to follow the routine without much of a fuss. We often used words like, “You are growing so strong inside. You go to bed like a big boy or girl.”
Often, as our children became older, the bedtime routines became longer because it meant night time talks in their rooms, sharing of hearts. With so many older children throughout my day, I knew that Joy would need just me time. From the very beginning, I would rock her and sing to her many songs and cherish her at night to make up for any distractions during the day. I would lay with her on her bed and talk and pray with her and this became our own special time.
Though it did require a commitment of heart and time on my part, as often we were ready to put the day away for our “own” time, I see now that this giving and ending with love meant so much to all of our children. Even now, it is sweet to see when the older kids are home, they all come upstairs to my bedroom–now they put me to bed, because they are staying up longer than me! Joel often sits on my bed for a half hour, just sharing his thoughts. It has become special to me–that my twenty something kids still come for a blessing, still want our affirmation and still won’t go to sleep without the kiss and prayer.
Routines are often difficult to establish, but when cultivated, they become a habit that gives life, love and security. It is still a gift to me that I now get to share the sweet fellowship of my best friends, my children when they are home, to tie together all the lose ends, in love and peace.
Bedtime is SO important and, you’re right, so hard sometimes when we are exhausted at that point! My hubby travels so much and by the time bedtime rolls around the enemy speaks the lie to me that I have been focused on them all day, they just need to listen and go to bed because I deserve a break. Thank you for this reminder…and hearing your daughter’s words…to remain intent on a sweet, loving heart and face at bedtime. My teenage boys stay up later than I do, but I always hunt them down before going to bed to give them a kiss, a hug and tell them I love them. I am hoping {believing} they will both need and miss this reminder when they have left home.
Thanks Sally!
This is so convicting to me. We both have gotten out of doing much of a bed time routine. We’re exhausted, worn out, spent. I’ve never done well with kids after about 7 p.m. (I’m a morning person!), so bedtime has always been a struggle for me.
This is beautiful, and it makes me want to have a do-over…but God uses the tapestry we’ve woven to bring our children’s hearts to Him. So thankful for godly mothers sharing wisdom…
Wonderful! Thank you for sharing this, especially from the perspective of your daughter! Sometimes we fall out of our routine, or don’t adjust it appropriately as the children grow. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of a peaceful and connected bedtime.
Thank you for sharing whole-hearted common sense. Your devotion to motherhood is inspiring, and I appreciate your teachings for the younger women (me). You are a gem!
Thank you Sally! Like you told me, sometimes we can be doing what we feel is right for our children and not get the encouragement from older women we need to keep going. The efforts we put into bedtime may not have been the efforts our parents did but it’s so good to hear that it makes a difference. Love the picture that they can rest in peace knowing they r loved…no matter what that day held. My boys love me to kiss their necks and give them a big squeeze every night before bed. It’s our thing & I’m even more thankful for it after reading this post.
Sally, thank you for this reminder. We do have a bedtime routine and most nights I really treasure this time with my precious little ones. There are days though, when exhaustion seems to take over and I tend to rush the routine!
This is a great reminder to savor this sweet time with them because it does make a difference and these days will go by so quickly. Thank you for your ministry, your sweet words of encouragement, and your faithfulness to pass on the wisdom the Lord has given you!! You are a blessing!
Wonderful encouragement! We have just started to be more intentional about the bedtime routine and it is really a powerful time, as we get to hear our son’s thoughts more clearly “as the whole world is quiet”. Anything you missed in the day, often spills out because everyone is paying attention. Love your work Sally, I am reading Season’s of a Mother’s Heart and it has helped me immensely. All the best!
Once again…love the art!
I really appreciate your wisdom, Sally. The Lord has been showing me so much lately that the greatest thing I can give my children is my TIME. Just to be available…you really are a great example of that. This article hits home in so many ways, because sometimes I am VERY tempted to just hurry the kids to bed as I’m so tired by 4:30 in the afternoon!
I know though how much they love it and for awhile my boys and I would share a joke with one another each night and my daughter and I would talk and I’ve lost some of that with choosing to let me exhaustion take precedent! Thank you for the friendly nudge.
Sally – thank you for this encouragement. I have always done the bedtime routine as well, but was considering giving it up recently. The kids are older now and I’m just exhausted! However, it matters so much to my oldest that I still do it. THANK YOU for encouraging me to continue, and for showing me that it matters. Thank you for helping me see that I am not alone in being exhausted at the end of the day. I appreciate your blog!
We used the word cozybeds to describe our beds.
Your blog is one of the ways God answers my own prayers for wisdom in parenting. Thank you for taking the time to share with other moms about what God has done in your family and for encouraging us!
Beautiful…..thank you.
Sally,
Not only are you such a blessing to your own family but also to the body of Christ. Thank you for being His hands and feet. I know it’s exhausting work but believe me….it’s reaping a harvest bigger than you can even imagine, so don’t grow weary. I will keep you in my prayers my precious sister.
I just want you to know that I have never even met you but I completely love you and have to tell you that you sooooo encourage me every afternoon when I read your blog…you are a spiritual mother to me and I have to believe I speak for so many other young moms out there. Please don’t ever quit……we all need you!!!!!!! We need more women to step up to the plate and humbly lead us younger, less seasoned wives and mothers and you are being such a godly example of that. My heart is always so blessed by your words of wisdom and for your always honest and humble exhortation…..You are genuine and that just shines through your every typed word! On behalf of myself and all the gazillion other moms out there….THANK YOU! Continue to give yourself fully to the work of the Lord knowing that your work for Him is not in vain! You have a calling…..it is so obvious!
Much Love and Lots of Hugs,
Heather from PA
Heather has spoken my heart so well!
Yes, this is my heart also.
Thank you so much Sally for these words of encouragement in parenting! What a great reminder to close each day with a blessing. We do have a routine, but some days my flesh takes over, and I just can’t wait to get the kids in bed so I have some “down time”. Thank you for reminding me of how precious and important bedtime is for my children.
Sally, Thank you for this sweet reminder. The younger years do pass so quickly…and I can tell such a difference in our home when we have a night time routine. The night time talks are taking longer…and we make sure our youngest has his prayers and kisses before our older two….their talks are so sweet and precious…..
Oh, Sally, how I needed to read this TONIGHT — after a very stressful and frustrating to day. To give a blessing, to remind my sweet girl how much I love her and that I forgive her for her words, choices and actions. My love is bigger than all that (although at times I feel so small). And, of course, God’s love encompasses all of our sins. Thank you, Sally. You are a blessing — over and over.
Thank you Sally. You continue to bless and encourage so many of us mothers that want to follow God in our homes. I love this series and I wake up each day excited to see what you will post! Thank you, thank you, thank you for choosing to invest in those who are coming behind you. You will have MANY jewels in your crown one day!
What a great reminder! Thank you so much for sharing.
Just finished tucking my little ones into bed…and what a sweet, precious time it was! Thank you for this reminder, on what turned out to be a most busy day….an opportunity that surely would have been missed had you not taken the time to inspire….thank you…again
Your words soothe me. They refresh me. They remind me of how important this time is. Thank you.
I think about this often because that is what my own mother did and I do think it was probably the most important things that gave us a good relationship all throughout the years growing up.
However, my mother only had two children, and so she could do that, but I wonder how in the world a mother with severall children can make time each evening for each one, and for her husband. I have four close together and I hope God blesses us with more, but I wonder sometimes how to nurture my relationship with each one individually.
This is a question for me, too, as there are children sharing rooms. It’s one thing I miss so much, is that private time before more kiddos came and we needed to share rooms. Any thoughts and ideas would help. Staggered bedtimes and maybe the quiet time comes to one in their bed, while the other waits in the living room to have that time there, before they go in to bed? I know it’s just logistics, but it still makes it tricky to have that free, heart-fully-open time w/ the children when there are several in one room. Thanks for bringing this up, too, Rebecca!
Thanks, Sally… I will be changing the way I’ve been doing bedtime because of this post. I think the kids will love it. I think I will feel much better about the day if I have intentionally connected with them at the end.
Sally, I loved this post – with 4 kids at home, the end of the day can be so exhausting. I feel like some days I gloss over this part of bedtime. Thanks so much for sharing!
I do wish that you had a “print” or “email” option at the end of your posts (or maybe you do and I’m missing it) so that I could share with my husband.
Blessings!
How do you do 7 kids like this?? Do you do the same with the teenagers??? I get stuck on the logistics….
Thank you for your and your daughter’s words. I have had a sour attitude about the bedtime routine for my children, especially when they know how to be such crafty little stall artists, but given the choice between a having a child who will grow up to be a teenager who speaks open-heartedly with me and one who will not…I will choose to establish a more peaceful and loving bedtime for mine now.
Oh thank you, Sally, for the wonderful word pictures you give us of family life in a Christian home. Peace settles over me as I read your blog posts.
An awesome resource for mommies whose husbands don’t share their faith! I can’t wait to share it!
I am so inspired by this post. Bedtime is like a battleground in my house. My daughter hates going to sleep. I love this opportunity to shift it from a time she dreads to a time that we can look forward to together.