This is Joy, spontaneously jumping in for a picture at an elite shopping mall in Boston, sharing the stage with a manikin. She has made me smile so much in my life and is an angel gift from God.
After 3 children, 3 miscarriages and selling all of my maternity stuff as almost 42, God gave me an angel gift. Her name is providentially, Joy. She is an out of the box, lovely, hysterical, spiritual, extravert, great actress, singer-songwriter and confident from the get go.
What a fun way to end my mothering career of the time in which my children will be at home. I am cherishing this time with Joy and enjoying her being a teenager and a young woman all at once.
This Sunday morning might be one of my best memories for a long time. Joy and I, in our jammies and crazy bed hair, sat close on Sarah’s bed, (we miss her so sometimes we sit in her room.) sipping Mochas I had made, with candles lit and she and I just talked and giggled and shared our thoughts and ideas for almost an hour. She got my computer and played several songs for me that meant something to her, that she had listened to at midnight the night before. I have learned to love Joy’s songs and listen to them on my own computer and download them, because they are very dear to her. My almost 60 year old self has learned to love the songs my teens and 20′s are listening to–it has given me a window to their hearts.
I do not expect them to conform to me–I let them be who they are at this season of life and I have adjusted my own age expectations to enjoy and really delight in who they are at every stage. It has brought me much pleasure. But I had to give up a little of my selfish self to enter their world. And so did God, and became Jesus.
As with all of my children, though, Joy does not respond to the same kind of mothering as the others did. I had to study her and observe her to find out what was in her heart–her personality, what spoke love to her and how to fill her heart’s cup so that I could reach her heart with a love for Jesus.
Discipleship is always an issue of relationship. It is not about curriculum, church attendance, rules, indoctrination, but always about reaching the heart.
I look back and see how different it was with all the kids.
I remember when Nathan was a little boy, and often challenging the boundaries, I had to study him. He was a little of a mystery as my other two had been more compliant and I thought that it was because I was such a great mother. Then God gave me Nathan and I realized I needed a different way of mothering.
One night when Clay had taken the older two to church and left Nathan home with me because he had a cold, I sat wearily in an overstuffed chair and said, “Hey, you want to climb into the chair with me?’
I remember he snuggled in and then began to talk. He talked for 45 minutes without stopping, as long as I said, “Really?” or “Oh!” or how funny!” After he had talked for almost an hour, he said, “I love you, mom!” And then he jumped out of the chair and went to play. He was 5 years old.
I was pondering this event–him sitting still for this long and talking and talking and talking, and suddenly it dawned on me–”He is an extravert and he needs people, activity and wants to talk and be heard.”
So, I learned the way to Nathan’s heart was spending time alone with him, listening to him–his dreams, his thoughts, his ideas, his feelings. As long as I made alone time with him, he would listen to me and try to obey.
Same with Joy. If she felt lost in the crowd, she would get louder, perform, call attention to herself. And then if I went to her room or sat on the porch and sipped lemonade or made a special tea time in my room just for her, she would talk and talk and talk. And then her heart would be open.
Now, Joel would just withdraw and be grumpy or get irritated. He was not a “mis-behaver”! But if I made personal time with him away from the group, he would bubble over with talking to me–he was an introvert, just like Sarah. Neither of them would compete openly with the others for heart time, but I had to assume they needed it and then carve a planned time in the midst of my busy schedule and make it happen. This opened the window of their heart to develop a great, strong, deep friendship. Each child responded differently and I had to figure out what they liked and what communicated personal love to them, and then I saw their little and big hearts opened. And as it happens, I found that Clay did not want to compete with the kids and I had to learn to get time with just us, so I could hear him and know what was going on. If I did not create the time for us, it would never happen.
Now, I had 4 children, homeschooled, traveled with Clay and spoke and had a ministry and wrote books. So, it was not easy to carve out this time. I did not have this time every season. But when I observed Jesus’s influence on his disciples and saw how he spent time personally with them, away from the crowds, and affirmed them uniquely for their personality–(John, the disciple Jesus loved; Peter, the rock; Thomas, a man in whom there is no guile.”) I began to realize that each of us wants to be defined by God’s unique personality that he created, and to be validated for who we really are in a personal way.
But when I would plan my week, because my sweet ones were a priority, and I believed that this was the way to win their hearts for the Lord, I would plan in “little dates”. I looked for it in the busy moments and tucked them in here and there. When they were little we were always a gang together, but I would look for ways to snuggle them in my room all by themselves. (Yes, my children shared rooms and that kept them from being lonely, but still they needed mama, sympathy time.)
I kept cookie dough balls or fruit, nuts and cheese chunks available all the time and when my radar told me that someone was not doing well or was angry or having problems, I would have a private, 15 mintue “Tea time” with them, just to talk and take emotional temperature.
I found when they were teenagers, because I had invested “me” time with them, I was always the go to person for them when they had secrets, fears, problems. And Clay and I would have times in our bedroom, behind closed doors when we would counsel and talk. As teens, I would take my boys out, by themselves, for breakfast every week or two, just to keep the channels of conversations going. For Sarah, it was a Saturday morning walk and coffee at a French cafe, for almost 8 years, and for Joy, it was breakfast alone in her room or mine at least once a week, away from all the teens.
Must off to my day, Joy will be home from her college class soon and I like to be home when she is fresh with the news of her day. But, just remember, your children are like you–they long for love, listening–not always advising, and a heart that delights in them. But it doesn’t just happen, it must be planned.
Oh Sally I love that last little reminder…. “your children are like you-they long for love, listening-not always advising, and a heart that delights in them.” I needed to hear that today. Thank you friend.
Oh goodness, Sally, once again you spoke EXACTLY the words I needed to hear today. Thank you for a never-ending stream of encouragement. I hope one day to meet you face to face so I can give you a big hug and just say “thank you.”
Sally,
Thank you for your encouragement to take those moments in the business of life.
I am Always encouraged by you. Thank you so much for being a faithful voice of encouragement to me. I had “TEA TIME” with my three and one year old girls last Friday night. They were sick, so I made them herb tea with honey. We brought out their Fisher Price musical tea pot and listened to it sing to us. There was nothing planned about it; nothing fancy at all. I just sat down with two tea cups, one sippy cup, and a toy tea pot. It was just that Mama sat down and got excited with them. Today she pulled out the peppermint tea box and asked for another tea party.
I love it Sally. I have just been praying about how I can carve out more alone time with each of my children. I am learning what speaks to their hearts and how to invest in them, and I do so want to be even more intentional about that. With 5 of them, if I’m not careful then can get swallowed up in the “gang” as you said.
I love having this wisdom from someone who is ahead on the trail. THANK YOU.
Thank you. My Grace Full Mama Facebook page should really be renamed the “share Sally’s posts” page, because that is what I mostly do there!
THANK YOU, Sally! Your words mean so much to me as a homeschooling mother of four young children. I love all your books and your blog! Thank you for taking the time to mentor moms like me and being faithful to what God has called you to at this time in your life! Personal one-on-one time is something I REALLY need to be more proactive in with each of my kids. I needed to be reminded of this today! : )
SO good, and SO helpful. Thank you.
Thanks to your books inspiring me, I started doing this last year. I have four children, so every other week we have ‘Tea Time’ (I’m in England – so having a pot of tea is normal!), but I bought a special tea pot, sugar and milk set (all very cheap but pretty), all with matching tea cups etc., and my children know that every other week one of them will get to have Tea Time, an extra special snack and to do something fun with me *on their own* of their choice. My 12 year old loves for me to play on his xbox with him, my 6 year old daughter likes to watch a cookery programme, and my 8 year old son likes me to read to him (my 14 year old is a struggle as I’ve wrote of elsewhere – and I fear I’ve lost his heart – but I keep on with the tea and snack – but he is very withdrawn and very little headway is made into his heart
)
But, what surprises me is how all four of them are devasted if for some reason we cant have Tea Time – it surprises me as there really is nothing to it – and yet this simple thing has built up into something special to them, even though it’s just tea, cake and me.
Thank you Sally for this post. I really, really needed to hear this today – because my four year old is just like your Nathan. Don’t forget that the work you do is ALWAYS needed and God is using your words mightily in the lives of mothers, especially mine.
Oh Sally – you’ve touched me so much!
Janelle
GraceTags
Wow. My first time here and I want to crawl up in a chair with you and talk. I really enjoyed this post. It was like talking to a mentor, so lovely and loving. Helpful for this extrovert with an introvert daughter and son. Thank you!
I noticed something about my five year old as I was putting them to bed just now…I too need to change my mothering towards him…thank you for this post!
Sally thank you again for your encouragement. I’d be interested to know how Clay related to the children as well. Did he have one on one time with them as well?
Thank you for the sweet reminder. It is so easy for the days to get a way from me and that just a few moments can make all the difference. You are always so encouraging! Determining to put the moments on my radar and make the most of them!
I love this. My boys are small but I’m trying to learning what fills their love tank. Both my boys are cuddlers. They love to be close to mommy. My little one is happy just to be there with me and my oldest is a talker and definite extrovert. I struggle with this because I am the complete opposite. And with all my other responsibilities I find it hard to have that time with each of them. I love the idea of little dates. I’m not in a place where I can do that now but I look forward to individual dates with my boys.
Sally—I loved this carving out time to “know” your children & your husband. This line, “I began to realize that each of us wants to be defined by God’s unique personality that he created, and to be validated for who we really are in a personal way,” is so true. My desire to know my girls. You’ve encouraged me to make sure I am actively listening to them & making time for them. Thank you for this!
Thank you … Thank you … for this Sally! You speak my language. I know that your posts are going to be a favourite. I too had my fourth at 42 and lost 3 as well. I see my baby now 8months old and wonder what kind of woman she will be. Thanks for the encouragement.
“As long as I made alone time with him, he would listen to me and try to obey.”
Thank you for sharing your gem about Nathan with me tonight. I see how crucial this gift is to my first born son, the one it’s hardest to carve out time with because the younger two are louder and needier… but it’s the path to his heart and I must make a well worn trail there while he is still young.
thank you, as always… Wendy
Sally, your posts encourage me so much! How did you make time for each alone when your children were young? What were the others doing? Do you have any ideas? Thank you for your ministry.
Thank you so much Sally, I’ve been loving you posts of late they are an answer to prayer for me. Now I just need to put into practice all the wonderful gems I’ve gleened. “But, just remember, your children are like you–they long for love, listening–not always advising, and a heart that delights in them. But it doesn’t just happen, it must be planned.” this line is what I need to carry with me right now. Thank you for all the love and wisdom you freely pass on to us all.
Sally, I thought parenting was going to be easy…add the same recipe for each child and voila….a scrumptious dessert was ready for the world to enjoy….. wow, I was so wrong. Each recipe…so different and not for the world to enjoy but to glorify God. I’m still in the cruxt of it…still trying to find the right recipes….so far, time seems to be the most important…the time to build a relationship…growing them….Thank you for your sweet reminders over these ten days!
I am sitting at your feet again…..absorbing EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. you wrote in this blog. Thanks for mentoring me along this journey of motherhood. I wish I could hug you right now! Dawn
I love how you say you do not make your children conform to you, but allow them to be who they are in their season of life. That is beautiful and truly a gift you give them. Thank you for that affirmation.
Thank you for the idea of bringing our kids into our room for chats…I remember my mom listening to me in my bed at night, but my own kids share a room and I thought we’d never get that time. I appreciate all of your little parenting nuggets.
“I do not expect them to conform to me–I let them be who they are at this season of life and I have adjusted my own age expectations to enjoy and really delight in who they are at every stage. It has brought me much pleasure. But I had to give up a little of my selfish self to enter their world.”
Such sweet, godly wisdom here. My children are 11, 9, 6, and 4 – we are just entering those middle years where my oldest two are striving to define themselves. I know that you also advocate exposing them to ‘the best,’ but what you say here seems to be the follow-up of that. I am so quick to dismiss their interests when they don’t interest me. Thank you for your encouragement to delight in who they are, and use these times to have conversations about why these things are meaningful. Thank you for the guidance to get to know their hearts. Your words are like pearls to me.
SUCH INSIGHT!!!!! Thank you for this post!
Wise insight, Sally. I LOVE this: I do not expect them to conform to me–I let them be who they are at this season of life.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sally. I am always so blessed by your words of encouragement. Just what I need to hear each day. Thank you for letting God use you in this way and carving out special time to write down your thoughts to share with us. God bless you.
Thank you Sally for the continual reminders. Love you and praying for you and the family!
Thank you Sally. I really, deeply praise the Lord for these wise words from your mother heart that is so delightfully devoted to Christ. Thank you for pouring into younger moms. Oh Thank you so much.
I opened up my laptop and was clearing up some of my tabs that I had opened and found this post. I can’t remember how I was led to this site, but I thank the Lord that somehow I opened a link that opened to this particular post! I just came home from bible study after speaking with my pastor’s wife about parenting and how it has truly been difficult as of late for me as I try to train and love my 4yr old, almost 3yr old, and 3 month old. Speaking with her made me realize that I have not been letting God do the work in my children’s lives, and rather, I have been holding expectations for my kids and myself that have only led to frustration, guilt, hopelessness (to an extent; just a lot of “I can’t do this anymore!” feelings), etc. Anyway, driving home I was thinking about how wonderful it is to have older women share their side of parenting (since they’ve gone ahead) to remind me of the bigger picture during this season of life. My pastor’s wife is the only older woman around, but I am thankful to have found your lovely blog. Thank you for reminding me of the bigger picture from your perspective. I only hope and pray that my children, like yours, will be able to find such sweet comfort and closeness in their relationship with me.
I love this so much!!! This is my first time here and I am so happy I found you! I have 3 little boys (8, 7, & 5) who are growing so fast it seems and I so want to hear and know their hearts. I love this mothering and motherly advice! My mom died over 10 years ago and daily I wish she were here to give me advice. I’m so happy I came across your blog when I did. It was just what I needed to read at this moment. I am going to follow you for sure. Thank you for sharing!! Looking forward to reading more.
Thank you so much for your wisdom, and for sharing it with those who are more on the early side of this mothering journey! I have been praying for a way to serve my 3 year-old, my 3rd born who sounds like your Nathan. Nothing he does is expected, and we already see clearly the battle for his heart. We are expecting a new little one in March, and I have been longing for a way to reach out to this man-in-the-making in a concrete, consistent way before I get even more distracted with a baby. Looking forward to implementing this with my “easy” children, too.
They are not always the squeaky wheels, but I know what they want more than anything else is more of me.
Thank you for sharing this! I really needed the encouragement!
Thank you for sharing this! My boys are almost 4 and just-turned-2, and our days are so full. THANK YOU for gently pointing out that special time with my children must be planned, and I need to study each of my boys to find the way to their hearts. I loved your mention of “tea time”, and how you were always ready with a little snack. It’s so true that sometimes we must meet their physical needs before we can reach their hearts.
It’s been well over a week since my first reading of this post and I’ve come back to it several times. Truly the Lord is teaching me through these words. Thank you for being His instrument. I was inspired to write some of my reflections over on my blog.
I came here via The Flourishing Mother, and I am very grateful for this post – I have 4 children (homeschooled) and have been praying about keeping the connection going with each of them. I think now I have a bit of a vision – thank you! So true how each one is different. I have a lot of studying them to do!
Blessings for the New Year.