Lhermitte
All of us, at some time or another, have been taught the golden rule, “ “In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets” Matthew 7:12
And yet, it seems we forget this when we raise our children. A sweet young mom in my ministry was telling a story recently. She has a new baby and her mom has encouraged her to nurse her sweet baby when she cries, to cuddle and sing to her, to hold her, to comfort her and to enjoy her. My friend is surprised at how responsive her new infant is, even at three months, and how easily she comforts.
A friend of hers who had her baby at the same time, reading a book that had strict guidelines about when to feed a baby and hold a baby. . She does not hold her baby often. She will not feed her baby until 4 hours exactly, as she does not want to train her babe to be selfish and break the rules she had been taught about picking up her baby too often and training her baby to demand too much of her, and so on. When the two were together, the mom who was adhering to the rules, whose baby was fussy and cried a lot, proclaimed. “Look at my baby. Even at 3 months you can see that she is strong willed and defiant–just look how she cries when I don’t pick her up. But what she didn’t know was that her baby was saying, ”Hey, mom, I need you. I am hungry and insecure–would you please hold me? “
Now I know that this post will create controversy and my desire is not to make anyone feel guilty, but you need to know I get literally hundreds of letters from moms who say, ” I feel like I have developed an antagonistic relationship with my children. I regret being so harsh. I lost the heart of my child.” Literally hundreds.
Many moms have been told, “You will spoil your baby. You need to establish discipline now. You need to show your baby who is the boss.” And so moms become afraid to do the wrong thing–they do not want to raise a spoiled, selfish child, and so they start out feeling they need to be a policeman figure in their children’s lives instead of a mentor, guide, trainer, lover, encourager—you get the picture.
But what the mom did not know is that even as Jesus was vulnerable and needed the love and cuddling of Mary, so all babes are created to find a basis for security by having security and snuggling with their own sweet moms, who speak to their brains about life, by being cared for and attended to.
I am sure this mom in the story is seeking with all of her heart to be diligent. By three months, she had already judged her baby to be strong-willed, defiant and she had created this problem herself–the sad thing is, she created her own havoc and didn’t even know it.
My friend’s baby was sitting in her lap cooing, snuggling, resting and smiling. And the mom felt jealous that she should be given such an easy going baby.
The deep desire and felt-need in ourselves for the golden rule
Call me silly, but I long for friends and family who love me, who are affectionate to me. I really appreciate having the ones who are closest to me, give me grace and forgive me, for my frequent mess-ups. I appreciate words of encouragement. I long for loyalty. When someone listens to me pour out my heart and comforts me, I feel validated and heard–sympathy means so much to me. I am blessed by thoughtfulness. Loyalty and steadfastness and a generous friend is such a satisfaction to my soul–I do not deserve such grace but am blessed by it when it comes my way. I have been blessed by friends and my sweet children who do to me what they wish would be done to them–and it makes me want to respond back in kind. And so this is what I wish for in others–and so this is what I need to give others, and especially those in my home.
Jesus told his disciples to serve and lay down their lives. He served them meals, He washed their feet, He died for them. He never asked them to do or be what He had not done or been first.
If I want my children to honor me and respect me, I must treat them honorably first to show them what honor is.
If I want them to work hard, they must see me work hard. If I want them to have godly character and not complain, they must observe me making the choices to not complain and to not create strife. How can I teach them to be gentle and long-suffering if they do not receive this from me.
Of course all of us are selfish and struggle with our own sin and lack of training, which means we will fail often in carrying out these noble displays of love. But if we understand this principle–that the law and prophets are defined by this rule, it simplifies our choices, our behavior. And the interesting thing is that it reaches and opens hearts.
Our home, our relationships, our family will become what we live by, what we practice.
So today, if you wish your children would respond to you in love, in gentleness, with grace, with loyalty, with words of life, just do unto them as you would have them do unto you. Be consistent, have integrity, practice maturity–what we sow becomes what we reap in the lives of our precious children and I can say, at this stage in my life, the fruit of such practice is so very sweet. How very blessed I am by my wonderful, thoughtful, still growing, but loving children. A mystery and miracle took place in my home when God partnered to make my paltry offering of His ways enough to become a blessing.
PS Thank goodness, God is gracious and redeems. I used everything–every philosophy– on my first one and prayed and sought the Lord, and somehow, in spite of me, she is delightful–though she could have lots of reasons to go to a counselor! But, I just want to share with sweet moms who are looking for Biblical wisdom, so they will not have to make as many mistakes as I did. God is with us and He will give grace to us and through us and we seek to walk through by faith.
Clay has written a whole book about this and if he gets better soon, he will be putting it back into print. Please live with the tension of this in grace and peace as that is my heart for you!
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Sweet Moms,
I had no intention of offending any of you or being harsh. I was just repeating a story and pondering this in my quiet time this morning, and realized that a lot of philosophy would be clarified if women would learn to look at their babies as real human beings who responded to life as they did–do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I believe that God pre-wired us to be mothers and to love and to civilize–it is the beautiful grace of a woman. Yet, many have been confused by reading books that sounded good but directed them in the wrong way. And if you know me, I do think that harsh parenting and adversarial philosophies do not win hearts. I am all about winning the hearts of our children through love and serving, as Jesus did, so that they will learn to love the the precious God that we love.
I took out baby-wise because I think that was the offender. I was just repeating the story as my friend had told it to me. So, even as I was not a perfect mom, or wife or person, I am not a perfect writer.
I do, however, long to affirm moms in their need to be present for their children–to be a good mom, whatever philosophy, one needs to give up rights, time, body, life and convenience in order to build, to invest in a child who will have a healthy soul. I also want to help moms learn to fall in love with this gift from God and trust in their love, desire to comfort, treating their sweet babies as the gifts God has said that they are, and to learn the gentle, generous art of mother love.
My desire is to encourage and not to unnecessarily offend, so please forgive me if I have inadvertently offended you. My apologies.
I want the sweet moms who come here to also give grace and peace to each other, as I hope that my blog will be a place of life and encouragement and peace.
If by reading this and the comments, it causes you to think more deeply about your own convictions, great.
I do hate for anyone to believe the deception that holding and responding to a baby’s cries in any way will cause the child to learn less or be less responsive. As a matter of fact, volumes and thousands of pages of research show that if a baby is attended to quickly, it is calmer, happier and learns self-control at an earlier age, because it does not have to wail and fuss loudly to be responded to–attentiveness helps the mom to learn her baby, to train her baby, to respond to her baby and to build security. May He cover this blunder of mine with His grace as my heart meant it to encourage. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Peace be with you today, the Lord is near and with all of us.
Oh Sally what a sweet and beautiful post. You capture the essence of mothering with each word. Yes, treat others as you wish to be treated. Yes, we will reap what we sow. I choose {and continue to choose each and every time I fall throughout the day} to love as I want to be to loved. To be heard, nurtured and attended to.
I would not want my Father in Heaven to only allow me set times to come to Him when I needed His love and reassurance. I would not want my Father to label me as “strong willed and defiant” based on the fact that I need Him and need Him close.
Your words bless me as a mother. You fill me with such sweet words of direction; words I am not gifted to hear face to face from an in real life mother.
Sally, I’m so grateful for your voice on this issue. Thank you very much for this post.
You are very much “right on” in this post! I had a friend who had children the same time as I did, and who followed the same strict practices because she’d been told it was “God’s way” and any other way would lead to terrible things for her child. She wanted to be the best mother to that child, and tried soooo hard to follow every rule in that book. (I’d shunned all parenting books, preferring to listen to my instincts and to any guidance I got in prayer.) My heart broke for my friend as she and her sweet babe went further and further down a terrible spiral – in the end, the baby was “failing to thrive” and had covered himself in scratches (even with clipped nails, a sign of distress) and had constant rashes, hives, and was constantly wailing in distress. His poor mother ended up having a mental breakdown and had to be admitted for counseling and treatment of depression and mental anguish. At times, I’d care for this sweet little cherub, and would wear him in a sling as I went about my day. He was so calm and content when I watched him, fed him on cue (he was on formula by then because his mother was on medication) and generally just loved up on him. His dad became convinced that this other book and the strict rules were the cause of his wife’s pain and his babies’ unhappiness and weight loss. Their pediatrician confirmed it, and warned them off ever using that method again. The dad put his foot down and threw the book out. I am happy to say that they now have two wonderful, happy, healthy children and a mother who isn’t stressed into illness trying to follow too strict, bad advice from a non-professional with no credentials and a proven track record of harming children and the parental relationship. (Why, yes, I do feel strongly about it.
Having seen the damage first hand, I really, really do!)
Thank you for your story! I feel the same way.
Such wise, sweet words. My firstborn was a babywise child – I was only 20 when I had her, many people recommended the book and I just went with it. She has also been homeschooled, put in a classical school, put in a Charlotte Mason school and now is in a University Model School (she’s only 11!). Like your firstborn, she’s rolled with it and it is a pleasure to watch her growing into womanhood. I now have 4 children and with each one, I grew a little more ‘slack’ on the babywise routine. And, I am so glad that I had the pleasure of nursing and rocking them to sleep – that time is far too short to spend it listening to them cry. Thank you for the reminder to continue to delight in and comfort our children – no matter their age.
Fantastic post! So thought-provoking. Thank you for the reminder. As a young mom, it is imparative that we be taught wisdom like this. Thanks again!
Praying for many moms to read this post and receive it! We did things the world’s right way with our first, and listened to the seasoned moms the second time. With only a 3 year span we were able to pull things around with our first. At any age, they need love, mercy and forgiveness. Time to grow. Time to learn. Praying for those who want change – will hear these words and try another way!
So many things to think about in this post. Beautiful!
I had a Babywise baby who was, and is, sweet, cuddly, and happy (and 18 years old now). Just sayin’…don’t like it when people paint us all with the same brush (I don’t.) I’ve seen plenty of children/parents who have made either “way” work out just fine. You do what works for you. Don’t judge others…unless you want them to judge you.
Ranee, Sally didn’t say Babywise doesn’t work for anyone. Some babies are so happy-natured and easy-going that they are content wherever and whatever happens. But babies are all so different and so many children need a little extra attention! If all the mom knows is scheduling and making sure the baby doesn’t get too selfish, she won’t be able to meet that baby’s needs. I have four children and one of them would have been happy and placid no matter what sort of parenting I did, Babywise or whatever. Another would have probably been okay but not quite so placid and happy. The other two, my first and third children, would have instantly gone into the “extreme defiant” category and would have required LONG sessions of crying it out before they gave up in despair … if indeed they ever did. As the mother of four I know firsthand that they are all SO VERY different and have such differing needs … my fourth child sometimes makes me feel like I haven’t ever parented before, she’s so different from her siblings! While I’m happy the Babywise advice turned out well for you, Ranee, no single prescribed parenting formula would ever have worked on all four of my children.
Oh Sally, this is so very important.
My saving grace in parenting (and I mean that so sincerely) was a precious older mom friend who called me when I was pregnant with my first, and encouraged me to mother my baby in a nurturing, responsive way. Even though I fell prey to rigid “Biblical child training” methods as my kids outgrew infancy–one of my greatest regrets–I’m so thankful for that foundation of nurturing. I don’t know where we would be today if not for that. It has taken time for our relatinoships to heal from my too-long detour down the road of a graceless philosophy, but if not for that warmth and responsiveness in the early months of my childrens’ lives, I think restoration would have taken much longer.
When I was first introduced to the ideas of communicating with my children (two-way, really listening to their hearts); extending grace; to the idea that discipline and boundaries are multifaceted and not static, one-size-fits-all; that we should treat our children with honor; that we should practice the “one anothers” of scripture with our kids just as with anyone else…It blew my mind. I grew up in a loving homeschool family but definitely one that embraced an authoritarian philosophy, so this was all new to me.
Please, keep repeating these things. We need older Titus 2 women who have seen success to tell us the truth over and over and over until we “get it.” Thank you for being faithful.
This was totally fabulous! I am a young mother of three with another one on the way and I try to remember this daily. It’s hard for people to accept my parenting style (when it’s so different then typical mainstream parenting) but I know the end result will be better!
Precious sister Sally,
While I appreciate most of what you wrote here and understand the point you’re trying to get at: treat others as you’d want to be treated, I feel that your article lacks biblical balance and accuracy.
I agree that our children will learn best through our example of what Christ commands us all to do and has freed us to do by saving us from our old, dead sin-filled selves, and we, as well as our children need to be provided with faithful and godly discipline and sometimes, strong rebuke (Prov 29:15, 13:24, Heb 12:7-11). I’d prefer the loving rebuke from a friend, than a friend who only makes me feel good all the time. According to God, that is not His love, it is sin-filled worldly love.
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy….Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness; let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head;
let my head not refuse it.” ~Proverbs 27:5-6, Psalm 141:5 (ESV)
When Christ commanded us to love one another, it was with the understanding that it was the way HE loved us, a holy and biblical love, not one that would always make us necessarily “feel” good, but one that made us good b/c it is founded in Christ and in His word and not established by our emotions or personal affinities.
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” ~John 13:34-35 (ESV)
While I cannot speak for Sally, I have read her and Clay’s books. Never, ever was there any indication in them that it is a parents job to feel good all the time. Certainly there is a place for proper rebuking in our children’s lives just as there is in our own.
Perhaps I am sensitive to your comment b/c I lost a friendship a few years ago over the fact that I , too, lacked “Biblical balance and accuracy”. There was no Holy Spirit conviction only condemnation coming from a woman who was, at the time, my friend. I too, lacked “Biblical balance and accuracy” in the area of parenting, according to her…. but let me not digress. What I am meaning to say here is that I have walked with the Lord for over 25 years and much of that time has been spent studying the scriptures and being in communion with the Body of Christ. There is much I do not know, but one thing I have learned….
be careful, please, of judging someone like Sally, a woman whose reputation speaks for itself, and who is likely your elder in age and experience as being lacking in Biblical balance and accuracy.
I say this, sister, not to offend. No, while I shared with you how I was wrongly judged in the above story, I, too, have wrongly judged others and have reaped the consequences for such. It is a lesson hard learned.
Hugs.
Thanks for the reminder. My eldest(12) needs some of this just now and instead I have been jumping down his throat for his “bad attitude” and impatience with the 3 younger ones. Timely as ever!
Looking forward to seeing Clays book back in print. I had 3 copies, leant them all out and they’ve never been returned. Could do with a copy just right now. Particularly as we prepare to move for “ministry” again! Hope that this Advent would be a real blessing for you. Blessings from Wet Wales.x
This is so good. Why are moms taught to go against their nature as nurturers? Babies need to be comforted, cuddled, and have their needs met in a timely manner in order for their little brains to develop properly. I adopted my nine year old daughter when she was two. She did not have her needs met as an infant. She was allowed to cry without any loving response. She did not form healthy attatchments with her birth parents. Now she struggles with emotional problems, depression, anxiety disorder, sensory integration processing, and post-traumatic stress disorder–among other issues. She couldn’t cope in a regular school. It has taken me years to realize what was going on with her. We are on the road to healing, but it is a long, arduous struggle.
I know this is an extreme case. But it is so important to give our babies and children what they need.
I was reading all of the various posts and kept thinking of my situation of adopting children who were not nurtured and cared for as infants, just like you are experiencing Jen. It puts a whole new spin on things. I nurtured my 3 bio kids, then adopted 2 wounded children. Their brains literally were not wired correctly due to the neglect in that first year of life. Now we have a foster baby that is 1 year old and we got her at 1 day old. We have loved on her and “spoiled” her by meeting her needs right away (within reason of course). She is a delight and snuggles right in to us. Now her attitude is starting to surface so our parenting will change slightly as she enters this next year of life. But I would highly recommend meeting a babies needs right away that first year of life. There is a lot of brain research on the subject and it will help them with bonding and attachment the rest of their lives.
I so wish I would have known more about this when my daughter was younger. At least, with God’s help, I natually knew how to nurture her. But I still could have done some things so much differently. I am definately not saying children don’t need discipline, but we have to take physical and emotional needs into account too.
Thanks, Jill, for your response to my comment!
Oh Sally, I love this post.
I do not know whether it will turn out to be controversial, but please hear this support for you:
With our first child we were “baby wise” parents (we don’t have this in the UK, but may be you know of Gina Ford – I’m guessing it is similar?).
And now regret being harsh. This is more how we were raised…but thank grace we have gradually unlearned this and “found love”
With baby no.3 we have picked up, comforted and cuddled, he often sleeps between us, and we listen and talk to him more. At nearly 2 we can see such a difference. In fact our no. 1 and no. 3 are fairly similar, and I would say they are “strong willed” but it is so much easier to try to be in tune with that than to fight against it.
God’s redeeming grace is that we are now pouring such love into no. 1 also, and he is opening up. God has encouraged us to “see the light where it is shining through” and it is. Such love and grace and encouragement. It is never too late x
I read the Baby-wise book when my daughter was a newborn and don’t recall it saying not to cuddle my baby, or really not to do anything, for fear of it spoiling her. I know when I mentioned the book to my Mom, she said she hated it, despite the fact that she’d never read it. I don’t know if there is more than one version out there, but the one I read didn’t lead me to do anything unloving toward my daughter.
We did have her on a FLEXIBLE feeding schedule (it was a very long time before we ever even tried going 4 hours between nursing sessions) and if she wanted to eat before it was “time,” I fed her. No problem. For me, knowing that she typically ate every X number of hours and would sleep after being awake after X number of hours, it helped me to have a good idea of what it was that she needed when she got fussy. But, she never was a very fussy baby, and as a toddler, she isn’t very fussy either. Maybe I just lucked out with her temperament being an easy one, I don’t know since she’ my only child, but, what you are describing as someone doing after reading Baby-wise does not line up with what I read in the book.
I totally agree Sharon!
Thank you Sally for your words, and I whole heartedly agree that we need to treat our children as we would want to be treated. I have used babywise with all 3 of my children and like Sharon, they have never lacked in snuggles, cuddles, rocking, & intimate time together with us parents. It just happen during their wake times instead of becoming dependent on these things for sleeping. Of course if a child is sick, teething, growing and needing extra feedings, attention ect. as Mom’s we should be very aware and sensitive to our child’s needs as Christ is to us. I think there really needs to be a balance in all things.
I DO know that this book is very controversial and there are people who take it to extremes. But having a schedule for feeding and sleeping were a HUGE help to me as a Mother and helped my husband and I to have a bed solely to ourselves. (Mornings the kids always come in and snuggle though and that is such a special time as a family) It also helped our children to learn when we did what and all 3 of my children were sleeping 6-8 hrs. through the night by 3-4 months old. That was HUGE for me as a Mother. Expecting our 4th I plan to use this schedule again as well.
Thank you for reminding us to be attentive and affectionate toward our children, I truly desire to see them grow and flourish in a loving & godly home. I so appreciate the wisdom you share on training and have applied many things in our own home. You truly are my mentor and I am grateful that you have been used by God in this way. There are so many women who don’t have godly women or mentors that they can draw, learn, and grow from. So thankful and grateful for you Sally!
Blessings,
Janell
After following Babywise with all 3 of my girls, I do look back and wish that I had spent a *little* more time cuddling them. But I don’t blame Babywise for that. As Sharon and Janelle have aptly stated, the Ezzos go out of their way to encourage cuddling– during baby wake time. They also try to teach moms to learn their babies so they know when something is wrong. And when extra cuddling is in order, then do it! Unfortunately, some people take this to extremes like not allowing a family member to rock the baby to sleep, or not feeding the baby when they should; but blaming Baby Wise for this is like blaming a pediatrician for writing a prescription that Mom overdosed.
As for my regrets, I think they’re normal. During the baby stage, other things can seem so important at the time; but as soon as you realize that those days are gone forever, you do wish that you could have spent every single moment cuddling your little one. But is that realistic???
Please read ezzo.info. You can clearly see all the problems with Babywise/Growing Kids God’s Way. Not only is it divisive, which is not Biblical. It is harmful to children. They call them “Ezzo Kids” at hospitals with their failure to thrive. He has been release from 2 publishing companies so he created his own. Christian publishing companies won’t touch his stuff! And he has been kicked out of at least 2 churches. He has no relationship with the other couple that began his company. His own kids aren’t in communication with him. His accounting firm cut ties with him. Numerous board members have quit and cut ties. You must see the fruits surrounding this “ministry”. Please research, and seek God’s will in this. I don’t mean to upset anyone, but this stuff is not righteous. It harms children, relationships, and discipleship.
What you are saying is correct Amanda. There is no compromising the heart of the Babywise philosophy, it is a vain philosophy and must be exposed and denounced for what it is. The deception is that there is any wisdom in it at all, there is not. Thanks for speaking the truth in love to anyone who has ears to hear.
Exactly. I HAVE read Babywise (the latest version) and while yes, it does say to feed baby if hungry, the whole attitude Ezzo gives towards moms who dont use the “parent directed feeding” way is very degrading, judgmental, and harsh, IMO. He even goes as far as to insinuate that “those moms” who feed on demand, cosleep, etc will have spoiled brats who are undisciplined and whiny. And if you do it his way, you’ll have sweet peaceful little angels who play quietly by themselves during “alone time” and stick to a schedule. THAT is the issue most people have with his books. What a way to make a new mom already start being judgmental of “those” other moms who might do things differently and to think she is more “godly” than other moms because she does it the “Ezzo way”. Its just crazy.
And you haven’t noticed this attitude from the attachment camp? All of the Sears articles (and everyone else) are equally degrading, judgmental, and harsh. The tone is always “what kind of animal would schedule their baby?”. Even this post implies that moms who follow a simple schedule don’t hold or love their babies. I have come to respect Sally for her balance and her kindness, but this post is unusual.
The truth is, all styles have pitfalls. People in the BW camp might lean towards legalism if they aren’t aware of it. People in the attachment or “gentle parenting” camp often lean towards no structure and discipline. They think grace means letting kids do whatever. That doesn’t mean that’s how the authors meant for it to be taken. That’s just how these methods work themselves out in the hands of fallen human beings.
It’s extremely prideful for anyone to believe that their method– babywise, attachment, gentle parenting, whatever– is fool proof.
I wholeheartedly agree. I never really comment on sites, but felt strongly convicted about this one. For as many people that respect and listen to your words, Sally, I believe you are very misleading about what baby-wise is. As Sharon mentioned, I did NOT read anything in babywise about not holding, cuddling, responding or loving your baby. I believe it provides a great structure within which to work and it warns repeatedly against following just the clock or any sort of super strict schedule. The concepts helped us create a routine and quite frankly I was a much more pleasant mom once I was getting more sleep due to the predictable routine. My children are thriving, happy, loved normal kids today. They are ages 3, 2 and 1. Why do so many people today think that structure and discipline are exclusive of Love and Grace??????? They more often than not go together. ~jen
Just wanted to add that the Ezzo philosophy is not merely contained in the Baby-Wise book, but also in several parenting courses written by the Ezzos.
My husband and I looked into one of them years ago when a church we attended wanted to go through “Preparation for Parenting.”
Here are a few things that concerned us:
My husband was concerned that the course neglected the Biblical teaching of the child’s need for regeneration.
We were both concerned that there were ideas included that seemed very parent-centered.
It was odd that a man who had taken the course and who promoted the course told my husband, “Never rock a baby.” Really? How can you not rock a baby? It’s very natural for a mother to move while holding her child – almost second nature. In fact, before birth the baby has already experienced A LOT of rocking with the mother’s movement.
This man’s wife once complained how Sundays at church messed up her baby’s schedule. It would seem the schedule was too important. But for mothers who take their baby’s cues to nurse and be held, you simply go with the flow and continue taking care of the baby without worrying about the clock or schedule.
This same lady mentioned that she would give formula to her child to help him sleep. I’m guessing this helped him stay on track with sleeping through the night. I had a problem (some will differ with me here) with giving my child an inferior product – formula – for the sake of convenience. It just seemed wrong to do this instead of giving my child the best I had – breastmilk – when he needed it.
Biologically, it takes a lot of breastfeeding to maintain prolactin levels high enough to prevent the return of ovulation. If you reduce nursing down to a certain level, you will (with a typically fertile woman) decrease the “rest” a woman gets from periods and further childbearing after births. Ezzo’s nursing schedule and sleeping-through-the-night would interfere with the God-given, natural rest a women can experience with unrestricted, frequent nursing.
So basically, it seemed to me that to raise your babies Ezzo-style required the use of devices and practices that are not Biblically sound or biologically sound.
Sharon,
Thank you. My children are ages 3, 21 months, and 3 months–all Babywise babies. And you are absolutely right, it doesn’t in any way lead to “not loving” your child. However, I do know many people who hate it, and over half of them have never even read it. I have received many comments on how happy all three of my babies and toddlers have been, and people are amazed that they have all slept through the night by 10 weeks. The flexible schedule also helps me to love my older littles. I can schedule preschool, meals, walks, watercoloring sessions, Bible reading, etc. much more effectively if I have some idea of what my infant is going to need when. If he needs to eat “off schedule” on occasion, so be it! But all of my children have been well loved and very content and happy.
amber, i’m kind of in the same camp with you. i read babywise and did the “flexible” schedule with both of my boys and i honestly think that it kept me sane. if either of them got fussy, rather than just running to pick them up, i would talk to them, touch them, sing, whatever, and see if i could meet their needs that way. sometimes that’s all they needed…sometimes they really needed to be held or nursed. having a schedule kept me from always living with the fear that maybe i wasn’t feeding them enough. it gave me peace. i had so many friends who were frazzled beyond belief and who were never able to have an uninterrupted moment for quality friendship – something i considered essential in those early years when isolation threatened- because they were always nervously picking up, putting down, nursing, pacifying a crying baby. any “method” can be taken to extremes.
I agree, Sharon! I have read that book twice within the last 2 years (my 2 babies are back to back). I don’t recall anything unloving…in regards to a feeding schedule, the author recommends adhering to a ‘flexible’ feeding schedule and knowing your child enough to know when they need to eat sooner, etc. It was not legalistic by any means. I have a good friend that informed me that she “hates” BabyWise. I asked her if she’s read the book….”Well, no…” Then she told me that her child (a young adult) STILL doesn’t sleep through the night ; ) All in all, I agree with what’s been said here, except for any negativity towards that book. The issue is knowing our children….when they need to be cuddled & loved on…do it. When they are hungry…feed them. There is nothing negative about giving them a regular eating/sleeping pattern. I’ve actually found that the babies who have good routines are the happiest, and those who don’t eat/sleep well are not.
Sally,
THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing this! What a joy to read truth.
I feel so sad for those who have followed those books into destruction.
Speaking truth with Love and Grace is what is needed.
It is time to allow mothers to be the nurturers we were called to be!
So glad Clay is going to republish his book!
I don’t want to be controversial, but I just wanted to put a good word in for those mothers like myself who loosely followed baby-wise/Gina Ford and were very happy with the results. Charlotte Mason has a great deal to say about the benefits of good habits, and getting your baby into a good feeding and sleeping routine is just about good habits. Babies love routines – it makes them feel safe. Their needs are met even before they start crying to call your attention. All three of my babies rarely cried, went down to sleep happy, woke up happy, had lots of cuddles during the day and when they were getting sleepy. They all breastfed past a year. They were definitely not fussy babies, and gave us a lot more joy than the babies who were constantly waking their parents up several times at night for the first 18 months. Mine all slept through the night naturally by 8, 9 and 16 weeks respectively, and that didn’t involve any ‘crying it out’. There seem to be a lot of misunderstandings about Baby-wise and Gina Ford. Baby-wise does not say you have to wait until 4 hours exactly. In fact it says feed anywhere between 2 and a half and 3 and a half hours. Gina Ford also encourages you to feed your baby whenever it wakes during the night until it is sleeping through by itself. My children are now 6, 4 and 2 and very cuddly, happy, well-balanced children. I hope I don’t offend anyone by writing this, but I just wanted to share from my own experience.
We had the very same expierience Catherine!
I agree, Babywise was misrepresented in this post. Guiding your baby into a routine through feeding, wake time, and then naptime makes for well fed, played with, and then well rested baby. A well rested family is a happier and more loving home. Babywise just calls you to assess the cry, not ignore it. To think, rather than blindly offer nursing as the cure all solution to any cry. Lots of cuddles, snuggles, rocking, and holding can happen during waketime! My 2 baby wise babies are commented on by others on their contentment and happiness. They are well rested and well fed and they know what to expect.
This advice is so true. I have been blessed with six children and I have no idea what Baby-wise is. With all my children I “bucked” the norm and let them sleep with us in our bed, responded to them when they cried, held them a lot when they were babies, nursed them on demand and loved when we both fell asleep on the recliner while cuddling them in my arms.
It was also important to me that they have “floor time alone”, be able to be content in their crib and enjoy some time alone. By responding to their needs as babies I found as they grew it wasn’t hard to train them in these other areas because their basic needs were being met. Responding to them as babies seemed to make it easier to understand their cries as they got older….to know if their crying was for something legitimate or if they were just crying because they needed to be vocal.
My youngest just turned 12. They learned obedience as they grew and would respond quickly the first time to a “command”. They were not spoiled but they knew they were loved and they showered love on the next child to be born. We have been blessed with a grand daughter who will be two in a week. Watching my children interact with her….love on her….play with her…discipline her….and train her has been a joy. I know my thoughts are a bit scattered as I write but my main point is being that the advise Sally is writing is so…so…so true.
I also see many times if there is a character issue in my children… the root stems from me or my husband. Talk about being humbled! But thankfully we can repent of our own shortcoming, ask our children to forgive us and then start modeling the right behavior. Our children are many times a reflection of ourselves…the good and the bad.
Amen! Thank you SOOO much for writing this! I totally agree and babies NEED lots of love and affection. They are not being selfish for wanting nurturing from their mommies! God put that desire in their little hearts.
Oh, Sally. I was that second Mom in the story with our first born. Not baby-wise but similar and he has always been “difficult.” We saw that it was not a good way, and changed how we dealt with him but not until he was several years old. All our other children have been nurtured and cuddled and held and they are different people than our firstborn.
I like how you said that we should do unto our children as we would have them do unto us. Brilliant!
Thanks!
We also followed Babywise with our kids and listened to the seminars on tape, and there is no hint of callousness towards children in them. There may be a difference in philosophy, which was to evaluate what your child needed based on what you knew. If they just ate and burped, then the next time they cried, a thinkng mother would not just latch the child on again to the breast to eat 10 minutes later. Schedule is a good thing. They tried to prevent “reactive” parenting and promoted “anticipating” your childs needs. And they were very big proponent of reading to your child, cuddling…but the focus was to not be “ruled” by your child. Your child is a welcomed addition to your home but not the center of attention at all times. Women have many roles to play and one of them is “mother.” Children need to know those boundaries. This is not a lack of love or acceptance.
Ladies, this is where it is important to understand that there is no one right way to raise a child and wisdom would say that you should pray, be sensitive to the Spirit and seek your husbands counsel.
We all love our children, and do what we believe is best. We do have to be balanced. My children cannot grow up believing that I will be available for their every whim. We have a bigger goal as a family than that.
Sally, I appreciate your thoughts and think that they unintentionally came across as judgemental to those who have chosen a different approach, which is why there was such a response. I know your heart is for us as moms.
Sarah, I take great offense at your statement that “a thinking mother” would not just latch on a baby 10 minutes after a nursing session ended. Nursing on demand, even if it has only been 10 minutes, is fundamental in establishing your milk supply especially in the early days. There are many reasons why a baby would want to nurse very frequently…the most basic of which is to increase and regulate your milk supply (as in early weeks AND during growth spurts) and also to satisfy his most basic need which is the comfort and security from his mother. Sometimes the simplest, most effective way to comfort and soothe your baby is at the breast, and I certainly didn’t “spoil” my babies for doing so. I am a breastfeeding counsellor, college-educated child-development major, stay-at-home mom, and devote Christian who believes in teaching through gentle discipline, active involvement, and keeping the Lord the center of our daily life. I AM a “thinking mother”, whose common sense told me to soothe my baby the way that God designed.
Wonderful article! Thank you!!
Absolutely! I nursed on demand, even if it was only 10 minutes after my last feed (which, by the way, is NOT how the time between feedings should be measured). I did not know until my son was 6 weeks old, and I got a pump, that my supply was drastically lower than it should be. It was my frequent nursing sessions with him that allowed me to build up my supply to be able to give him about half the food he needs to grow. The rest I supplement with formula, and now that he is eating solids, lots of healthy fruits, veggies, and meats.
Jennifer,
I am sorry you took great offense. What I was trying to say is that a thinking person evaluates the situation to see how to respond. There are different cries. . A fussy cry, an pain cry and a generally fussy cry. I was trying to say that you would think before simply latching back on.
That should say “a fussy cry, a pain cry or a hungry cry.” sorry for the typo
Actually, what Jennifer says is the complete truth. Breastfeeding is, at it’s most essential, more than physical nourishment. Babies are biologically hardwired to suck for comfort. This is why stores sell pacifiers, why babies suck fingers or hands. Babies are oral. Breastfeeding on demand is one of a mother’s greatest gifts- as mammals, we are naturally equipped to provide our young with both nourishment and comfort.
I also take great offense to your statement that about a “thinking” parent and challenge you that in fact, I am a highly thinking parent who understands my child at her basic biological core. I don’t fight against who she is programmed to be by God and nature. And I don’t fight against what I am programmed to be, which is her mother.
A baby, when she is born, is essentially helpless and completely reliant upon human care. She is not aware that her mother is not “just” her mother. Ignoring cries or trying to instill a sense of “I’m not just here for you” is completely futile until a child is capable of much greater cognitive awareness and control. This takes years, not months. A baby is helpless, and as such, cannot be understanding of your need to have a life apart from being a mother. Should you still have a life? Yes, of course. This can definitely be achieved without sacrificing a baby’s needs.
I’m grateful that God made me a “thinking mother”, gifted me with the logic to understand how he created us, and granted me the patience to continually respond to my child’s needs. She is indeed the core of our world (both my husband’s and mine), and we have found that becoming attached and nurturing parents has only increased our love for each other. There’s no greater journey of love we could embark upon, nothing that could bring us closer, than parenting our child.
Sarah, although I agree that Babywise philosophy does work for some families, I don’t understand how can a baby “rule” an adult? Also, you said “My children cannot grow up believing that I will be available for their every whim. We have a bigger goal as a family than that”, but as babies grow older they usually stop being as “demanding” – because they learn to do things for themselves. So, even if you do respond to your child’s every whim when he/she is a baby, you are not going to do it for the rest of their lives. Actually, kids usually start to show desire for independence once they start walking, and one of the favourite toddler phrases is “I do it!”.
I’ve heard that a lot of people like Babywise because of the sleep/wake/eat cycle idea, but aren’t there similar books that also propose the idea of scheduling and establishing a routine, but don’t imply that a parent always need to be in charge of the baby, otherwise the baby will be “in charge” of the parent?
Natka, I will respond to you, because I feel as though your question is an honest one. I do not desire controversy or division and this will be my last response. If you have any questions, I will answer them privately at bealsfamily7@gmail.com .
Just so you know, I do not consider myself a “babywise” mom. I have read a gazillion books on parenting, and if you check out my blog, you can see my resource list. I did follow their feeding schedule and had great success with it. My children are older and I have one in college, and we have a wonderful homelife. Nobody here feels left out or unloved, I can assure you. In fact, I think that most honest moms who have lost their child’s heart would tell you that it was their selfishness , coldness of heart or lack of love, not their feeding/nursing/scheduling choices. Over the years, I have many women ask me for help with their own kids, and have sought my advice because of our home life.
My husband and I are in youth ministries and have seen it all in the last 18 years, and I will just say that the feeding style of the parent is not what makes or breaks a child. Whether you breast feed or bottle feed, you can still nurture a connection with your child. If I decide that I will feed my 3 month old at 9am and then burp, give a bath, read a book or play and run a quick errand before naptime..is that horrible parenting? That is scheduled parenting. We always held our babies and loved on them. Just not every minute of the day. And when they cried, I evaluated the need. Was it a wet diaper? Too hot? Gas? Boredom? I would meet the need they had–I wouldn’t just stick in a bottle or breast, unless I felt that they were truly hungry. (I would sometimes use a pacifier.)
If we are talking about infants, ages 0-3 months, then I think that this is when your nursing supply is being established, and especially in the first month, you do need to feed frequently to get your supply going. But not constantly. And, yes, I believe that babies around 4-6 months can become demanding and do need a routine. (The difference in philosophy starts here usually. Some believe children are all good and just need to be tended to and others believe that as mother’s, the training begins and as mom’s we need to be watchful/mindful of a sin nature.) As far as children “ruling”, (not babies, but toddlers) just check out the TV show Nanny 911 for some good examples of kids ruling a parent.
I don’t think that putting your child on a schedule creates a child/parent antagonism. I think lack of structure in some form causes chaos.
There has to be some balance. Kids who grow up thinking that they are the center of everyone’s life from the earliest ages become selfish and self centered. And that this is not grace based parenting. Grace based parenting is not freedom from all rules and boundaries. It is applying the gospel to all of our sinful messes and seeking forgiveness and relishing in redemption. I think that this is one of those areas that parents should do what they think is best for their own child and not cast judgment on those who have a different philosophy. Breastfeeding does not cause a righteous child. Nor does scheduling/demand feeding. As a matter of fact, Adam and Eve walked with God and had a child who killed another child. So for those of you who have lost a child due to harsh parenting, I would suggest you read “When Good Kids Make Bad Choices” by Elise Fitzpatrick and be encouraged that God can redeem all of our sinful messes. I pray that all of you ladies will follow God with all of your hearts, seek your husbands input, and not rely on parenting philosophies on either side of the issue. Also, let’s encourage each other as moms and realize that these are areas of liberty.
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for your thoughtful responses.
Just wanted to encourage you
Nancy Wilson said it best once–there is a difference between principles and methods.
The principle is our babies need to be fed frequently and held. The methods may vary.
As Christian women, hopefully we can all support each other in meeting the principles, although our methods will be different.
Agreed. I think Sarah’s reply was very honest & balanced. I wish we moms would give each other more grace in areas like this.
Thanks for this good post, Sally. I think you have a typo here: “…. moms who say, “I wish I feel like I have developed an antagonistic relationship with my children…..”
Getting back to the subject, I have seen this so often, too. My kids are grown up now, but I have seen a lot of Babywise users (and Prep for Parenting class takers) who seem genuinely hesitant about responding wholeheartedly to their babies. Babywise sets before them a panaroma of parenting that resembles a minefield of ways to ruin their children and damage their marriage.
Babywise warns that “holding a baby during every fussy time is easily overdone”, that “blocking the cry” will make it difficult for parents to grasp what is the matter with the baby, and that the baby will become “conditioned to being picked up at a whimper” and “abnormally dependent on it.”
A strong subtext to the Babywise book and method is that babies should be trained not to expect or require immediate gratification. “Research has clearly demonstrated that immediate gratification training negatively impacts a child’s ability to learn…[However] no evidence exists to prove that responding to the baby’s cries “teaches anything about love. Likewise, there is no evidence proving that some crying fosters insecurity.”
These and other warnings throughout Babywise are enough to convince some readers (not all) that on balance there is greater danger that picking the baby up will instill the wrong messages as compared with responding quickly, warmly, intuitively and attentively.
And it is really sad, because infancy passes by so quickly, and it is age appropriate for infants to be needy and for mothers to enjoy building a bond with their babies through attentive, nurturing care.
Sally, I so appreciate this wisdom. I have never been a student of the Babywise way, but I was not a natural mother. I mean it never seemed to come natural to me and I relied so much on other people’s advice instead of God’s leading and my intuition. I have truly had to work on this and still do. I worried so much that I was doing the “wrong” thing that I ended up doing the “wrong” things! Reading your books and post has truly made me a better mother. Thank you.
Thank you for this post. Infancy is fleeting, as is childhood, (and indeed life!) although it may not feel that way at the time.
Dear Sweet Sally,
Yes! And thank you for your bravery in sharing from your heart and experience with us on this subject. I wholeheartedly agree and this has been my experience, too. This that you wrote. Wow. “When the two were together, the babywise mom, whose baby was fussy and cried a lot, proclaimed. “Look at my baby. Even at 3 months you can see that she is strong willed and defiant–just look how she cries when I don’t pick her up. But what she didn’t know was that her baby was saying, ”Hey, mom, I need you. I am hungry and insecure–would you please hold me? “ How often do babies and children get labeled in a negative way when it is just a normal need they have. So thankful for your heart and ministry to us.
May you know, feel and hear Him watching over you and singing with joy and love,
Ashley
Thanks for writing this post, Sally. I agree with you.
Before our first child was born we took a babywise/GKGW class at our church. The authors (we watched videos of them teaching) actually made fun of the maternal instinct!
After my second son was born, a friend recommended baby-wise to me. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to tell my baby when he was hungry; I wasn’t his stomach. I didn’t want to tell him when to sleep; I wasn’t his body. When he got older we sleep-trained him…but not to the point where we didn’t hold him. I still take the time to rock him (if he wants).
“they have never lacked in snuggles, cuddles, rocking, & intimate time together with us parents.”
I loved, snuggled, rocked, cuddled my oldest. . . my most Babywised baby. . . And I STILL regret using BW and STILL see that the unBiblical “philsophy” taught by the Ezzos promoted a parent vs. child antagonism.
That said, almost every BW mom I’ve known has been extra pro-active, extra desirous of doing the right thing, and very loving. . . I thin that goes a FAR way in countering the harms in the BW teachings. I did every thing “right” according to BW, and we still had a host of problems and regrets.
I don’t see Sally attacking any mothers. . . I do see her as an older, wiser, Titus 2 mom bringing much needed words of encouragement and nurture to mothers. . . especially needed in our Christian communities in which false philosophies are promoted as truth.
Grace and peace,
Well said <3
I cannot thank you enough for this post. I used Babywise on my firstborn, but thankfully, God pulled me out of that dark place before my 2nd was subjected to it. I can testify to the difference in my children. I won’t get into that here.
Just – thank you for this post. I’ll be sharing it.
Thank you for your courage. Sad that it takes courage to tell people to follow God given instincts. Baby “training” whether Babywise, To Train up a Child or other programs is dangerous, does not follow the biological blue print developed by the Creator and has the potential for physical and spiritual harm. It is not uncommon to hear comments like the ones here. Moms who say they use Babywise but thank God they “cheat” here and there. They know deep down that baby’s communication and so they listen. However after many years of being with other mothers, observing mothers and working professionally with new moms I have observed exactly what Sally described. Babies are only to be tended to if they “need” something, any other attention, especially if initiated by the child will “spoil” him or her. And then we wonder why are children struggle to trust God. They never learned to trust, really trust in their core theater someone (God) will come when they express need. Not to mention that sleep and feeding are not related to spiritual growth at all and the Babywise/ GKGW link of the two is bad theology and more pressure for perfection than anyone should ever have to deal with. Thank you Sally for being brave and encouraging g mothers to treat their babies as people not something to be scheduled.
Sweet Sally – thank you for your posts, and for being bold enough to publicly ‘speak out against’ a book that has derailed many people. I am SO thankful the Lord meets our basic needs – love, comfort, nourishment! Thank you for reminding us. Much love, and know my prayers are with you!
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Thank you so much for this, Sally. A few months ago I was gathering some old books together to donate and came across my copy of Baby-Wise. I promptly threw it in the trash! It may not be this way for everyone, but for me it represented a style of parenting that was SO detrimental to my relationship with my precious little girl.
The Lord has been amazingly kind to me as I have cried out to Him for wisdom and over the past few years has put me on the path of more humble, gentle, sympathetic parenting.
I am so thankful for your books and blog. It is refreshing to hear a voice that confirms the things that the Lord has taught me. So grateful for His great grace and the evidence of that grace I see in you!
Dear Sally,
My husband and I read Babywise prior to having our first child and used some of the principles loosely beginning around 4 months old for both of our boys. I sincerely know that some parents are extreme in their parenting, but it is not the majority of parents. Nearly all philsophies on child-rearing have some little nuggets to offer when parents pray for discernment and hold the philosophy up to the standard of God’s Word. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts so that we can glean from your wisdom as well!
You certainly did open a can of worms!
With my first (of four) I was very baby-wise oriented. I do think I let him cry too much, but I loved the routine of it (and achieving a full night’s sleep so effortlessly!). He was a difficult baby and toddler, but is becoming a wonderful, affectionate six-year-old.
My second I also did babywise. I felt that I didn’t want as much crying, so I worked even harder to learn to distinguish cries and found timing to be so essential in when to lay her down to sleep (right after that first yawn!). She slept through the night at 12 weeks and has always had a sweet, easy-going disposition (my husband used to think something was wrong with her because she cried so seldom.)
My third I could not “schedule” so tightly as I was now working around the demands of two other children. I did not let him cry hardly at all (so by this point I was almost dropping Babywise) and I wore him around the house in a Moby Wrap and slept with him on occasion. He did not sleep through the night until he was 11 months old. I still fed him on something of a routine, though, every 2.5-4 hours. I really appreciated knowing whether he was crying from hunger or not because he was a VERY crabby baby and is still a crabby and strong-willed toddler (much like his older brother was).
My fourth is now 8 months old. I don’t let her cry and her daytime sleep “schedule” is virtually non-existant. But she generally sleeps through the night and eats at consistent intervals. She is extremely good natured and easy to soothe.
My point is this: as much as I respect your wisdom, I think your analysis is too simplistic. Babywise does not necessarily produce crabby babies and attachment practices don’t necessarily produce happy babies. My first two were strongly Babywised: boy-crabby, girl-happy. I have had a stronger attachment orientation with my second two: boy-crabby, girl-happy. If I made a judgement based on my experience, it would be that boys are crabby and difficult and girls are happy and easy. But we all know that’s too simplistic.
I’m pretty laid back with my kids. I’d never even heard of Baby Wise until I had my second, and by then I knew that was no way to handle a baby, so I haven’t experienced it. My mom doesn’t know anything about Baby Wise, either, but she confessed to me that she never held her babies, kept us on a schedule, and raised us basically the way Baby Wise recommends. It’s what her mother told her she should do, so she did that.
She regrets it, too. I love my mom, and she is the sweetest lady in the world, but all that distance and unresponsiveness created by strict scheduling and rule-making for tiny babies (not that I’m opposed to age-appropriate sleep-training!) made our relationship less intimate than it should be. When she takes notice of my parenting style, it’s always with a tinge of regret that she didn’t have that.
I should add that I don’t mean she *never* held her babies. Only that holding and affection were often withheld so she wouldn’t spoil us and so we’d learn to be on the right schedule.
“Nearly all philsophies on child-rearing have some little nuggets to offer”
This is certainly true! But I think what Sally was cautioning mothers against was not the good nuggets, but the problematic areas.
Hi Sally,
You seem to have chosen a harsh example of someone saying they would not feed their baby “less than 4 hours” between feedings and would not pick up their baby when they were crying. Most people who prefer schedules do not stick to them so strictly.
Schedules work for most mothers and most babies if they are healthy. If I wait 2.5 hours to nurse my baby, my breasts have had a chance to produce enough milk to satiate the child vs. others who have their babies on their breasts every 30 min. (baby needs to constantly be on their breasts because they do not experience a sensation of being “full.”) There simply isn’t enough milk to satiate a baby for an extended period of time with the baby on your breast every 30 min.
My own thoughts on the matter are how do we ourselves like to eat? Would we like to eat a meal that fills us up? Or would we want to snack all day remaining hungry between feedings?
Just because a baby is crying, we know it does not automatically mean they are hungry. Babies cry when they are hungry, gassy, and tired. Once the baby is satiated you can try and determine what else is bothering them when they are crying.
For a healthy approach to learning about sleep and babies check out Dr. Marc Weissbluth’s “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” This is not meant for newborns but for babies outside of the newborn stage, around 5 or 6 months. I have found that most of us know nothing about infants and sleep. My first born went from cat napping all day to taking a 2 hr nap in the am, a 2 hr nap in the pm and a 30 min nap in the evening. He was crying because he was tired! Some people say, this doesn’t work with this particular child but I’ve tried it with 6 different babies with 6 different personalities and it is true…a rested baby is a happy baby!
Just my two cents with my own experiences. Thanks for listening!
“Schedules work for most mothers and most babies if they are healthy. If I wait 2.5 hours to nurse my baby, my breasts have had a chance to produce enough milk to satiate the child vs. others who have their babies on their breasts every 30 min. (baby needs to constantly be on their breasts because they do not experience a sensation of being “full.”) There simply isn’t enough milk to satiate a baby for an extended period of time with the baby on your breast every 30 min.
My own thoughts on the matter are how do we ourselves like to eat? Would we like to eat a meal that fills us up? Or would we want to snack all day remaining hungry between feedings?”
Leslie this is what Babywise teaches but from a lactation viewpoint it is quite simply incorrect teaching.
Your breasts actually refill constantly, not after waiting for 2.5 hours. So there would be milk after 30min. Cue-fed babies would not be on the breast every 30min constantly over a 24hour period, although Babywise would like you to believe this is the case. What is important for supply is ensuring each breast is well emptied at each feed. Babies do not necessarily take in the same amount at each feed, which can be problematic when it comes to scheduled feeding. It is perfectly normal for a baby to have a period each day of a few hours – where they *may* feed every 30min. This is called cluster feeding and is completely normal, and is in fact crucial to maintaining supply for a breastfeeding mother. It usually happens at the end of the day, where the breasts aren’t as full, baby is draining them quicker and hence wants to feed more frequently.
So what is important is responding to the baby’s need to feed, not assuming they need to be fed every few hours. I do realise that Babywise makes a “proviso” for this in the book in saying that if your baby is hungry feed it, however you certainly are made to feel guilty for doing so if you do so frequently.
Breastmilk is not just “food” for a baby, it is also “water”. So as an adult, I eat around 3 meals a day, plus 3 snacks in between, plus many drinks of water throughout the day. How much more then does a newborn baby need, who is growing rapidly and who usually doubles their birthweight within the first 6 months? Even if you compare to an adult, it is perfectly comprehensible that they would have larger feeds, smaller feeds, lots of quick drinks – considering this is the only way for them to get their “food” and water requirements.
It is also perfectly comprehensible that a newborn baby would need to also nurse throughout the night, considering its rapid growth requirements in its first year of life.
“There simply isn’t enough milk to satiate a baby for an extended period of time with the baby on your breast every 30 min.”
If this is the philosophy of Babywise parents then I am alarmed! If this is just your own personal opinion then I think despite having six children you don’t really understand the physiology of the breast or the amazing and wonderful creation that is breast milk.
Breast milk is mostly water with lots of amazing nutrients, fat and antibodies. The composition of breast milk varies throughout the day and night. We all need water to live. I don’t know about you, but I would have several glasses of water a day and usually at least eight cups of tea, plus a glass of juice in the morning. Most medical sources recommend eight glasses of liquid per day for a healthy adult in a temperate climate.
Breast milk is all a healthy baby needs. It helps them grow into healthy children. It helps develop their little immune system and helps develop a healthy emotional bond with their mother. They learn about love, comfort and security at their mother’s breast. The mother benefits too in so many physical and emotional ways that only a loving God could have designed.
The breasts are never empty. It is physically impossible as breast milk production is a continuous biological and physiological process like blood flows around our bodies with each heartbeat. Just because a woman might feel her breasts are “empty” doesn’t mean they are. Just because she cannot express milk does not mean there is none. The milk is there, physical fact.
Because of the complex nature of breast milk, and the way it varies from baby to baby and feed to feed, denying a baby access to the breast while you wait for your breasts to refill is a dangerous and erroneous practice. The mother is the only nutritional source a breast fed baby has. The onus is on the mother to be sensitive to the needs of her baby, to love her baby unconditionally, to provide food for her baby when he/she needs it.
Breast milk production is a basic supply and demand situation. The more the baby feeds, the more milk is produced. Here lies another danger in schedule feeding or not responding when baby needs to feed. By lengthening the time between feeds, the breasts are denied the opportunity to make the amount of milk your baby requires. Your brain gets the wrong message and inevitably, if you persist in this behaviour, your milk supply will diminish. Not just my theory but a physiological and scientific fact.
I call breast milk “liquid love” because it is such a wonderful and perfect food and so much more for mothers and their babies. To ration love is unnatural, unhealthy and ill advised.
Lynn
Nurse, mum of six, grandmother of four so far, breastfeeding counselor since 1985.
Oh Lynn. What an excellent response. Thank you so so so much for commenting and sharing scientific/biological FACTS regarding breastmilk!
I have always been surprised at moms who think they have done something right or well because their baby sleeps 8-10 hours a night at 6 weeks of age. Truth is – babies aren’t SUPPOSED to sleep 8-10 hour stretches without eating. It’s not good for them. So what if you’re rested – that’s not really the primary concern with a new baby – the baby’s health, development and well-being are what is important. They are so completely dependent upon us, so unable to do anything on their own – they can only ask for food and water in one way, and when we misinterpret that as willfulness or sinful nature – we fail them.
Anyone can make a baby sleep 8 hours at night. Really! It’s true! All you have to do is ignore their cries, and they will learn to ignore their needs and withdraw into themselves a little bit more, and away from your heart a little bit more too.
There are a lot of moms on here saying that they used a structured program with their children as infants and little ones and the kids grew up fine. Maybe that is so. Maybe it is not. We are not always the best evaluators of our own methods (and surely, this is true for me too and I humbly accept that.) Often, though, the problems aren’t even realized when kids are 18 or 19 or 20 – the problems come to light in later years. If we were all to be completely honest – within our own hearts – we might have to accept that there are things between us and our children, things which were planted in their hearts when they were little from mistakes that we made. We can look at the outer man or woman and see success – but what about their hearts. I am willing to go out on a huge, huge mothering limb and say that I believe that if we parent with any method that teaches us to withhold ourselves from our children in any way while they are infants/little ones, then there is some crack within their hearts as they grow up. There will be some lacking, some longing, which they may not be able to articulate but which truly is there and which will manifest itself at some point down the road. I don’t think we should dare play around with that. The stakes are too high in the lives of our children when they grow up.
I have parented both ways. I am the mom to nine children. God has radically changed my parenting philosophies since those first ones. I have regrets, for sure, but I am thankful that God has given me time and knowledge to redeem those first years. I’m grateful my older kids have been able to watch me parent our younger ones – they have seen their father and me stumble and repent and get back up and try again. I don’t think they’ll ever fall prey to disassociative parenting methods when they have their own children. Even now, in my oldest ones teenage years, I have been given the opportunity to repair what I broke.
Please, younger mamas – listen to Sally and the other moms on here who tell you that if you withhold any part of your heart or your self from your children, you will regret it. You will not spoil your child by giving them you. You will not create a selfish child by giving them you. Give them “stuff?” Give them their demands? Give them their every whim? Yes, maybe then you’ll have a selfish child. But give them YOU? You’ll never go wrong with that.
Much love,
Holly – mama to nine incredible gifts.
I really see what you and Sally are saying … very well. I have watched this happen. We were encouraged to use BW with our first. I am kind of a rebel sometimes and when people would ask me, “Oh, are you Growing Kids God’s Way?” I so wanted to say, “No, Satan’s.” I read the book and took a few things from it. I think it’s wise to guide onto a schedule so you can have some sense of expectation and thus guess better what baby needs. However, my first, without even trying, went to his own schedule. I never let him cry and he slept 10-12 hours at night from four weeks of age on.
My second, even though we encouraged a schedule, did not. We didn’t let him cry and I am ever so glad. He had horrible eczema and it turned out much later we discovered reflux. Letting him cry when he was in pain … and would we have known? That’s kind of the thing. The BW group does not teach parental intuition. They don’t seem to teach, “Go on in there and see if there is a string wrapped around baby’s toe,” or “You may want to try putting your baby down if they are fussy. They might just want to be alone.” I mean, those are reasonable. But if we had followed BW (and yes, I read it), we would have let our baby cry in pain to “teach him to sleep” as if sleep is more important that what your baby might actually need at the time.
My third settled well. My fourth settled well. I tended more towards Baby Whisperer because she was about having a gentle rhythm than a forced schedule.
My fifth … we’ll probably never know what it was. But that little one needed held in a certain position as if she were a little lever. She absolutely needed held. She needed nursed all the time. I just knew. She was different from the others … she needed things they didn’t. I don’t know why or what, but we just did it. Sometimes, her fussing was just wanting down or sometimes she did just want to fuss to sleep alone. But that all came about from trying to read her and understand her … not because she was bossing us around!
I have a friend who had untold numbers of people tell her to use BW on her baby. It was her first and thank the Lord she was such a strong person. You just don’t know someone’s story before you give advice like that. This baby was born with poor nutrition from problems with her cord. She was quite small and starving. Her mom was healthy, but the cord had issues. This baby screamed and nursed around the clock. She needed to make up weight! I am so grateful this momma had it in her to say, “No, I’m going to take care of my baby.” She cared for her and she gained weight and is now an extremely bright, take over the world child.
I have another friend who was told the same thing for her screaming baby. But she just knew her baby was in pain. After a long time, they discovered what it was and one day, the baby just stopped screaming. I am so glad for that precious child that she listened to her baby and not the books or the advice. She cared for that child.
I need to be a better mom. I let my babies cry too often. I wish I wouldn’t have done even the little that I did. I think you can read other books to advocate healthy marriages, healthy parenting, healthy boundaries and gentle rhythms while listening to your child’s needs. This book leads too many people into strict schedules. And I know a lot of people with completely happy babies. Just like mine slept through the night at 4 weeks without a schedule … those people whose babies were happy on Babywise, can’t necessarily attribute it to the book. The baby might have done it anyway. And most certainly would have when it was time.
My main point is … those authors do NOT know your child, your child’s pain / experiences. They can’t tell you those things.
I have another friend whose child broke an arm as a teenager. During the x-ray, they asked when he broke his collarbone. They had never known it happened at birth. But she remembered this baby screaming whenever she picked him up and she wondered what was wrong. This mom, who didn’t know her baby had a broken bone, would be told to let the baby cry to sleep. They just don’t leave room for that baby’s story.
And again, yes, I read the book.
What a wonderful post. Brought me to tears. Thank you.
I believe there are things to be cautioned against in both Babywise and more “attachment” styles, which is what most would call the style the “other mother” in your example was using. I have three children ages three and under, and have used Babywise with all three of them. I have received many comments on how happy all of my infants are. I did let my first “cry it out” some, but not much. My second and third haven’t cried it out at all. If they have a hard time, they are patted gently while in bed, or if really upset I’ll rock them until they settle and put them to bed. They sleep through the night, they snuggle, they nurse well, and they are happy and loved. Babywise does not advocate feeding only every four hours no matter what–that is a misreading and common misconception. My 3 month old eats every 2.5 to 3.5 hours, depending upon when he seems hungry. On the other hand, I have a sister who nurses every time her babies begin to fuss. They don’t sleep through the night until well past 1 yr., and she is exhausted and exasperate, which leads to her lashing out in anger at her children. Sometimes being loving and “doing unto others” is assessing what is best for your child–and that isn’t always exactly what he wants to do at the moment. I’m thankful when my husband gently reminds me if I have a bad attitude about something that I’m not behaving rightly. I don’t enjoy it at the moment, but it doesn’t take long to realize he loves me and is seeking my good. It is the same with our children.
Please clarify, are you seriously saying that attachment parenting and feeding your baby when they need to be feed causes exhaustion, exasperation and anger?
Just checking.
Though I think there are helpful tips in Babywise, I think it is best used once mom is aware of baby’s personality and baby’s own needs-based routine, but NOT to force an unnatural routine on the baby! I appreciated Clay’s book, such a contrast to other books I’d read previously.
I too have seen seemingly magical differences between my first and last children.
I’m so thankful that the Lord never gives up on me…
amy in peru
With our first child, I was A Babywise mum and he was a text book baby. The methods worked. I was very strict and hated the distance in our mother/son relationship they produced.
With our second child, he had silent reflux, Babywise didn’t work. I ended up with Post Natal Depression, stopped breastfeeding at 6 months (to put him on Babywise routine). I had trouble binding with this child as a result.
With our third child, I wore him in a sling (the Ezzos would not have been happy!) and both mother and baby were so happy. Third child was/is my best sleeper and most content child. THE END!
You are the perfect example of how a mother can grow and learn with her children and in so doing, be not only a blessing to her family, but to other mothers too! Thanks for sharing and God bless you and your precious family : )
I want to thank you for this post. How simple yet so profound, treating others (including our children) as we would like to be treated. When I’m wrong or need redirection as I’m learning something, I’d much prefer someone calmly saying so or showing me the right way to go. Why would it be any different for my children? I needed this reminder today.
I applaud you for this post Sally! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don’t think enough can be said in support of responsive parenting… there’s just not enough guidance and support for mothers like us out there who follow our God given instincts and love on our children as much as possible and who see the immense treasure and value in breastfeeding our children for far more than just nutritional needs. You never cease to encourage me and I’m so thankful for your bravery and dedication to speaking the truth in love.
I thought this article was well written. I think that many of us are missing the point of the article. It did not say not to discipline, it just stated to love and nuture them and listen to thier needs. To hold and cherish them. She just picked baby wise to the extreme as an example. My mother was a baby wise mother. And she raised wonderful twin girls. Instead of judging one another, can we not be content that we know what is best for our children and not other children? Advice is advice. I look to other moms on what to do with my child. I take alot of it, but at the end of the day i do what i think is best. There are many roads to get to where we need to go. Raising our children, discipling them, and loving them have just as many paths. Do what works as long as it works and its the way of the Lord.
Thank you so much for this post, I have four children of who the first couple were babywise babies, and the last couple I was much more relaxed with…it is only since having them all I have become aware of the controversy surrounding the babywise/Ezzo style of parenting and I can honestly say that I do see it allowed the harsher side of my parenting personality to feel justified.
I wish I were starting again with a new baby to do the newborn stages completely differently and I do know I enjoyed parenting the babies so much more with a relaxed attitude. I can tell from the comments that people have had success with the babywise approach…I believe maybe if you’re more balanced in your attitude you could have success but know for myself it allowed harshness and a rigid one size fits all parenting approach, and I know my eldest (8) especially bore the brunt of that and I am still trying to figure out how to do the grace based parenting, and win her heart back.
So Sally, when you say you recieve letters from mums who say they have lost the heart of the children, well thats me too I just wish I could start again but know that I can move forward confidently with God, and am thankful for resources like yours that help me find my way again.
Thank you so much Sally, you have been a major influence on my parenting!
Really great article, Sally.
One of the points that I have noted reading different pieces, and the responses to the, is that everybody already has a bent towards a certain way of parenting. For me, I was raised by a military stap-father, who tried his hardest to love us but found it necessary to be a step away. This was made more obvious by the fact he was very physically affectionate towards his biological son. So saying that, my natural bent is to be a bit standoffish. With my first child, I was young and hadn’t read anything much about scheduling and naturally just followed what felt right for me. I listened to by baby and did use some cry it out but not much as my son always responded quickly. With my second pregnancy I read lists of parenting magazines, and thus the scheduling. My second son was a horry baby and I was always so frustrated because I couldn’t get him to do as I must – too military, not listening too busy trying. I needed to read about softening my responses, to counteract the bent in my life.
I ended up with PND with my second DS I believe because I didn’t respond as I should have and it made things worse. I slowly learnt and progressed in softening my responses towards my children, and expectations of each of us. We went on to have a third son, and my mother has said he is as demanding as my second, but I don’t see him the same because I have responded to all his cries, and held him for his whole first year of life. While I am far from having the balance right, I believe God is leading me where I need to go.
Thank you, thank you for speaking the truth about babywise! What a scary, dangerous parenting philosophy. It has been rebuked by countless medical doctors for its dangerous and strict scheduled feedings that have caused babies to not thrive, starve, and even die in some cases. It is especially sad to see churches support this cold, neglectful method of parenting. Thank you for speaking in boldness and truth! Our children are blessings from the Lord, and we are to love them with nurturing, physical love – not neglect them! I practice an attached style of parenting, but it is honestly what is natural and instinctive to me as a mom. When my babies cried, I immediately held them and fed them. That should be instinctive to any Mom. I loved all that you wrote in this beautiful parenting post, and I wish others in the Christian community would be more outspoken about the horrors of Babywise.
What I believe Sally was trying to say is that attentive, heart oriented parenting is balanced towards the needs of the baby and in a natural progression, towards the entire family. She did not mention the specific program that so many have taken offense with.
I would also like to point out that the “4 hour schedule” is not unique to Baby-wise. My best friend from high school became a mother in 1983. I remember visiting her and listening to her 4 week old infant scream, in her crib in another room for over one hour because her parenting book said babies should only be fed on schedule, etc. etc. This was years before anyone heard of the Ezzo’s. I promised myself I would never do that to my infant. When I became a mom in 1985 I learned about nursing from mothers who had nursed successfully and followed a more attachment style of parenting. Through attachment parenting, we were able to establish a workable schedule for our lives, especially after the second child came along 20 months later.
As a young mother, I noticed that advice came from many conflicting sources about all kinds of parenting issues. I learned to sift through all that advice in prayer and ignore that which did not resonate with me and my spirit. Perhaps that sounds too mystical, but it is the truth and I consider this parenting from the heart – with wisdom. I looked to other women who were older than I and how they parented their children. I could tell the ones I though were being successful according to spiritual principles.
It seems to me that before the advent of all the “experts” in the early part of the 20th century, mothers used to have confidence that they could parent with wisdom. My own great-grandmother explained to me how she used to respond to the needs of her nursing baby back before the depression and it sounded like attachment and responsive mothering to me. At some point in our past, mothers could understand and respond appropriately to the needs of their baby and their children because they learned from other women who had walked the pathway before them and spent time caring for younger children in their extended families and their neighborhood. There is no formula for child rearing.
For the record, in the 26 years I have been a mother, I must have read most of the parenting books ever printed. I gleaned from many, even if I didn’t entirely embrace their “method”. My husband and I were part of a pilot program on the Growing Kid’s God’s Way and Baby-wise programs for our church about the time our youngest child was born 16 years ago. I looked into the Baby-wise book with great care and interest because I was also a counseling mother for a nursing mother group (trained by two of the earliest and most well respected professionally certified lactation consultants in America). I agree that I didn’t read where the Ezzo’s specifically instructed mothers in dangerous baby care; but they did not give enough attention to the varying needs of infants, and the increased nursing demands during the inevitable growth spurts. I also felt that the Baby-wise book didn’t address the needs of a nursing mother to build a reliable milk supply through active nursing. In addition, after listening to how numbers of young mothers interpreted and implemented the Baby-wise advice, I had to conclude that it lent itself to legalism without wisdom and did present a threat to some baby’s physical and emotional health if their mother’s blindly followed a formula rather than practical wisdom.
When the formula trumps attending to the heart needs of a child – there is a problem.
From my perspective as a mother – for a great many years – I think the wisdom Sally offers in her books is sorely needed by younger women today. I’ve seen older children who were “spoiled” from neglect and “spoiled” from indulgence. I’ve never seen a baby spoiled through attachment parenting in the early years.
Thank you for such a beautiful, well written and honest post. One of my favorite verses, about how gently the Lord cares for us (his children), is Isaiah. 40:11 ~ “He tends his flock like a Shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those who have young.” It is such a beautiful picture of the gentleness of our Lord, especially with the most young. I appreciate your willingness to speak up about harsher parenting techniques. Our children are constantly looking to us as examples of how to behave and act toward each other and others. The way we treat them will come full circle in how they treat, view, love and respond to others. It is a very daunting task ~ to take on the responsibility of demonstrating the love of God in our very imperfect selves. I greatly appreciate your encouragement in this hugely important task and for being willing to take on some criticism in doing so. I wish other Christian women of influence would be willing to do the same.
We can all be women of principle and influence ; ) God bless you for being willing!
Sally, thank you so much for this post! I’m very disturbed by the number of comments here that seem to show an “ends justify the means” approach. Just because you followed a certain book and your kids seem “fine”, that does not negate Sally’s point here, which is that Jesus told us to treat others the way we want to be treated. I know for sure that if I were for some reason immobilized, I would not want my husband to hear my shouts at night and think to himself, “Well, she just ate, she just went to the bathroom, and I know she’s not cold. Guess I’ll just let her yell. She should really get some sleep.” So I will not do that to my children.
Hmmm…interesting discussion. I do hope that any offenses or feelings of pain or inadequacy (resulting from comments) will be healed and not become a stumbling block to any of the sweet mothers who have commented.
I think it’s all about responding to the Holy Spirit’s leading. We all have different personalities, different strengths and weaknesses, husbands with differing personalities, children who are so vastly different. I think the problem with any ‘how-to’ book is that it’s written by someone who has discovered the ideal plan for THEIR family, THEIR children, THEIR situation. Hooray for them! I think any mother who likes to write could write a ‘how-to’ book on what has worked for them in mothering. The real challenge is to follow the Holy Sprit’s leading rather than a particular program’s or person’s leading.
I read, read, and reread the Baby-wise books when I was young and inexperienced. I was the type of person who thrived on doing things to the letter of the law. Through God’s gentle leading, and the encouragement of my wonderful husband, though, I was able to learn to listen to Him and find His ‘perfect’ plan for my children. I went from having a ‘perfect’ baby-wise baby (who is now 11) to, five children later, having a baby who slept in our bed, fed on demand, and was weaned (reluctantly on her part!) at 3 years old. (There are a LOT of positives in establishing a routine for babies and children, though.)
We all need to daily commit our lives as wives and mothers to God, daily commit our children to God, and follow His leading each and every step of the way. Whether God leads you to follow a routine like baby-wise, or whether God leads you to demand feed until your baby is 5, it is an issue between you and God.
Be totally blessed, precious mothers, and enjoy your parenting journey today.
(I love, love, love, love, love your blogs, Sally.)
A very wise reply Alexandra.
Thanks, Diane.
Excellent post! I appreciate your willingness to step out and speak against “mainstream” Christian parenting and remind young moms that it’s not about following A BOOK, unless that book is the Bible. Always makes me sad when I see moms who are frustrated not so much by their babies, but because their babies aren’t doing what “the book” says to do . . . This post is an excellent reminder to focus on the mother-instincts to love and nurture little ones! Thanks again for your writing, means the world to me.
I think a lot of moms commenting on here are missing the big picture that Sally is trying to put out there……..which is that babies and children are PEOPLE, created by God. They are not a cookie cutter ‘thing’ that can be shaped by following one or two or three sets of rules that an author lays out there to have a “happy” child. I know people that stick to following very strict rules like this and it absolutely breaks my heart when I look in the child’s eyes. Sally is NOT picking on babywise, she is pointing out that we have ONE chance to raise our babes and do it with a serving spirit and full heart.
I understand that it is hard not to be defensive of a path that you chose and maybe it worked, maybe it didn’t. I think Sally is purely trying to prevent one from doing something that they will later regret and to get fear out of parenting and put faith back into it. So many of the parenting books I have read revolve around the “fear” that the author drives home- fear that your child won’t sleep through the night, fear that they won’t be obedient children, fear that they will refuse healthy foods, fear that they won’t have manners. Sally is one of the VERY few that I have found who takes the “faith” route……do this and have faith that they will be led to Him. It is so inspiring, but I do believe it is harder to do.
May God be with all of us through this journey of parenting these precious souls he has entrusted us with.
So glad to read this post! We were totally sucked into the whole Babywise business with our oldest son and it was traumatic for us. For some families it works great, but there are many, many who are adversely effected by Ezzo’s philosophies. What a great reminder your post is!
Thank you for sharing your heart, Sally. This is a controversial subject anywhere you go. I nursed all 6 of my babies when they needed to be nursed. I held, cuddled and loved on them as much as I could. I think that a mother needs to do what her instincts tell her to do. May God bless each and every mother. I pray for God’s peace and grace to be with you.
Sally, I think you have use d such a poor example to illustrate your point. I am a “babywise” mom if you want to call me that. I have had such happy children and enjoyed them. Our bond couldn’t be stronger. To suggest that a scheduled routine contributes to a lack of nurtering and love for my child is so sad. I have heard that from many people and nothing could be further from the truth. I held my children every minute I could, rocked, cuddled, carried. I chose to do certain things like schedule feedings and sleep times so that both they and I were on a good routine, could get good rest and function without constant frustration. i had seen so many moms who followed an “on demand” routine and they were worn out, frustrated, had to give up nursing early and and were constantly on edge. Of course babies don’t follow a book, but both my husband I believe that the training of our children begins the moment they are born. Babies aren’t “just babies” as I have so often heard. They are selfish sinful human beings that must be lovingly guided. The only things they know to do are eat, sleep, wake and so that’s where we begin. It isn’t cold and harsh. At what age do you suddenly start training? I am so tired of the comments on my parenting style. I have never once suggested that those who feed on demand or follow no routine are bad moms or wrong in what they do. Each parent has to do what they believe is right.
“At what age do you suddenly start training?”
You don’t “suddenly” start training your children. It is a natural and gradual process that develops over time?
I have been a mother for over 30 years now and I have ignored comments on my parenting style for almost that long.
You said at the end of your post ” I have never once suggested that those who feed on demand or follow no routine are bad moms or wrong in what they do.”
and yet above that in your post you wrote this;
” i had seen so many moms who followed an “on demand” routine and they were worn out, frustrated, had to give up nursing early and and were constantly on edge.”
This sounds like a judgement call to me? It does have negative connotations and castes a dark shadow over moms who choose to parent in an attachment style and feed according to need.
You are right, we all have to do what we believe is right for our babies, while being gracious and generous to those who choose a different path or have yet to come to an understanding of God’s plan for babies.
I’m not a big fan of “training” children , really. I am a huge fan of knowing them as individuals, of knowing their hearts, of being a student of them, of studying them, of learning their “bent,” of growing with them, of guiding them and instructing them….but training? Meh. They aren’t animals.
Sweet Sally I know your heart is to encourage relationship and deep bonding with children. And to always encourage mothers to seek the hearts of our children yes even as babies. But for the responses about the misinterpretation of Babywise I hope readers do know it has been revised quite a bit since I read it 12 years ago. We researched the Ezzo’s back then and they were very controversial, their methods didn’t mesh with our parenting style so we moved on. Initially there was a 4 hour suggestion to space feedings but after the AMA rejected that advice as detrimental to breast feeding mothers and babies it was revised and many other things were changed. Sally I loved the article and find myself being challenged daily to die to myself and focus more on God and my role as a mother. Thank you so much!
Thank you for this post! While I am not against babywise as a concept, I felt a lot of pressure as a young mom to follow it. Three boys in three years and I still find myself feeling like the odd one out after deciding that it just was not for me. Thank you for the ecouragement to do what I already instinctively desire to do.
Just wanted to second everything that Alexandra wrote. {yay!}
The longer that I parent, the more I change. I realize that all those “big deals” during that infant time end up being very “small deals” in the long run. Soother or no soother, cloth diapers or disposable, baby wearing or not, demand feeding or schedule feeding… ~ As I parent, I pray, I grow, I do my best with the resources that I have at the time, and I trust that God will carry me and my children through.
That being said, I don’t think that parenting styles was Sally topic, rather loving on our kids like we would want to be loved on. So to Sally’s words, a reverberating, “Amen!”
You know, after the birth of our fourth recently, I was really torn. I have always been a super-attentive/attachment mom, but was drawn to the “ease” of the BW approach. Yet, I just couldn’t do it. (I blogged about this here: http://momsinneedofmercy.blogspot.com/2011/11/momsense-common-sense-guide-to.html)
Anyway, one of the moms I admire so much (who has 8 children) told me two things that really helped:
1) God doesn’t do that to us (force us to cry it out by ourselves. He is the God of all comfort. He supplies our every need).
2) Even in the animal kingdom, nursing babies stay with their moms. Bear cubs stay with their moms for 3 years. Attachment parenting works among the animals; we are so much smarter…and yet in some ways we’re not
Thank you so much for sharing that encouraging wisdom, Sally. It is a wonderful reminder of who we are called to be as mothers. I needed that today!
Wonderful post, Sally.
I very much agree with your points and appreciate the practical reminder that I am caring for full-fledged people.
So often I just have to stop (sometimes even mid sentence) and ask myself am I being gentle, kind, loving… and if I’m not, then I am not following in the footsteps of my Rabbi, Christ.
You have given me another practical question to ask myself, “Is this how I desire to be treated.”
Thank you.
I read often here but rarely comment. I just wanted you to know that this was a great encouragement to me.
Peace,
Jaymarie
Wow Sally I wish I could speak as eloquently as others have, but i can in my plain way tell you THANK YOU. I was told repeatedly to let my first born cry it out but i refused to be rigid and it warms my heart to hear your encouragement that it is really ok to love yourchildren through grace based parenting. There.s lots of support for rigidity and rule followers but i feel so encouraged in all your books and post. I hope ….truly hope thatGOD will bless you.
Thank you, Sally, for sharing these gentle words of wisdom. The story you share is one I see played out over and over again, and it is heartbreaking to know that the encouragement to ignore our instincts is doing such damage to mother/child relationships. The way we view our children has an incredibly profound effect on the way we nurture and respond to them.
I just wanted to encourage you, Sally, and thank you for your thoughts and words that so warm my heart! I was SO blessed to run across a small book by Dr William Sears almost 19 years ago called “The Ministry of Parenting Your Baby”. I feel so encouraged that the way I naturally wanted and still do want to respond to my children is encouraged. AND to think of parenting as my greatest ministry!!! Be blessed, my friend.
I let my two children cry it out. Does that mean I’m a bad mother? I don’t THINK I’m a bad mother. I needed the sleep. I mean, I REALLY needed the sleep, I was going crazy. One night my youngest woke me 8 times; one time every hour. And that was the end. I couldn’t do it anymore. And it was HARD. Letting them cry it out is so much harder than cosleeping and nursing…emotionally anyway. But now that they are on a schedule, for the most part, and life has order, they are happy and I’m happy and they sleep well and I sleep well and now we can have really meaningful, happy, nurturing times because we’re all operating the way we were meant to operate, meaning we’re not sleep deprived. Each baby is different and works off of different things. And it’s okay to do things differently with each child. We just all do the best we can to try to raise our children to feel loved and nurtured and whole. I’m not against co sleeping or crying it out. I think parents have to do what they can do. (I did both) I do think, though, that during the waking times, when it’s time to be awake and doing what’s supposed to be done, then is the time to draw your children’s hearts to you: to love them, make jokes with them, show them how to do things and how things in life work, cuddle and read books. There’s a time for everything, and probably some will disagree with me, but there’s even a time for crying it out and maybe there’s also a time for cosleeping all at the same time.
Look at all the comments! You must have struck a chord
I raised my now two and a half year old girl “by the book” in her first months of life, and am raising my now 10 month old boy by mostly my own mommy-instincts. The book gave me structure in my crazy, new-baby world, but there was also stress involved in trying to stay on schedule. With my boy, I told people that I was “too lazy” to go by the book and just fed him whenever because it was easier and it just worked out better, which was true, but if I was completely honest with them, I would have told them that I trusted myself more this go-around. My husband even comments that I am way less stressed and a lot better parent with our second, and I just wanted to thank you for popping the little idea in my head that God picked ME to be my kids’ mom, and that there is no “one right way” to parent, and that gave me permission to relax with our boy and do for him what I feel in my heart moved to do to meet his needs. I hope other moms reading your blog will realize that they can be gracious to their kids (and so to themselves) by filtering all well-meaning parenting advice, tips and manuals through their God-given maternal instincts. Thanks again for your encouragement.
Hi Sally, this was a lovely post. I have read through quite a few of the comments and am yet another mother who has read both Babywise and Preparation for Parenting. I know people who would wait until that 4th hour on the dot while their baby screamed for two hours until they fed the poor babe. I followed some of the principals (Feed, wake, sleep routine) with my second baby and found it very helpful to keep to a routine. If my baby woke up earlier than she was ‘supposed’ to I fed her right away. She fell into a routine quite easily. Subsequent babies I have parented quite differently in many ways (I have 6 children) and although at times there was no routine whatsoever to my baby’s day I did at times wish I had been a little more routine. I very much disagreed with many things in Preparation for Parenting and would not recommend it to anyone.
But anyway – I really enjoyed reading your post and it was a reminder to me to be more gentle and loving with my children as I do find that often I am so concerned with their behaviour or the state of the house and don’t spend time with them the way I aspire to. Time goes by so quickly and they grow up so fast. I feel as though I have missed/am missing out on really building a relationship with some of my children.
Thank you.
Sally, thank you for writing this. I realized there is a deep wound in my heart as I think about how I parented our first born. I used Baby Wise, and I believe that, along with insecurities as a first time mom, and not listening too well to my husband, I was such a rigid, militant, unloving, angry and frustrated mama. I am ashamed to think of how I parented, in such an unloving and ungentle and unkind way, to my precious boy. I noticed a big difference in my other two as babies and toddlers as I learned differently how to train them and learned to listen to my husband and instincts more. God knows I already have a tendency to want everything to run smoothly, according to my plan – this book has some good things in it, but the problem comes with following it to a T, and not allowing God to use your instincts and love to respond to your child. I need to work through this, I feel in my heart of hearts that my first born is the way he is (strong-willed, yes; defiant, yes; rebellious, yes) because of the way I treated him as an infant. But I also know that God is above it all, and can redeem it all. Thank you for touching my heart on this, I am so thankful for your ministry to us moms!
“Schedules work for most mothers and most babies if they are healthy. If I wait 2.5 hours to nurse my baby, my breasts have had a chance to produce enough milk to satiate the child vs. others who have their babies on their breasts every 30 min. (baby needs to constantly be on their breasts because they do not experience a sensation of being “full.”) There simply isn’t enough milk to satiate a baby for an extended period of time with the baby on your breast every 30 min.
My own thoughts on the matter are how do we ourselves like to eat? Would we like to eat a meal that fills us up? Or would we want to snack all day remaining hungry between feedings?”
Leslie this is what Babywise teaches but from a lactation viewpoint it is quite simply incorrect teaching.
Your breasts actually refill constantly, not after waiting for 2.5 hours. So there would be milk after 30min. Cue-fed babies would not be on the breast every 30min constantly over a 24hour period, although Babywise would like you to believe this is the case. What is important for supply is ensuring each breast is well emptied at each feed. Babies do not necessarily take in the same amount at each feed, which can be problematic when it comes to scheduled feeding. It is perfectly normal for a baby to have a period each day of a few hours – where they *may* feed every 30min. This is called cluster feeding and is completely normal, and is in fact crucial to maintaining supply for a breastfeeding mother. It usually happens at the end of the day, where the breasts aren’t as full, baby is draining them quicker and hence wants to feed more frequently.
So what is important is responding to the baby’s need to feed, not assuming they need to be fed every few hours. I do realise that Babywise makes a “proviso” for this in the book in saying that if your baby is hungry feed it, however you certainly are made to feel guilty for doing so if you do so frequently.
Breastmilk is not just “food” for a baby, it is also “water”. So as an adult, I eat around 3 meals a day, plus 3 snacks in between, plus many drinks of water throughout the day. How much more then does a newborn baby need, who is growing rapidly and who usually doubles their birthweight within the first 6 months? Even if you compare to an adult, it is perfectly comprehensible that they would have larger feeds, smaller feeds, lots of quick drinks – considering this is the only way for them to get their “food” and water requirements.
It is also perfectly comprehensible that a newborn baby would need to also nurse throughout the night, considering its rapid growth requirements in its first year of life.
Sally, your words are so encouraging and you always inspire me. What I love about you is that you do speak your mind, but always with love. People will always never see things eye to eye . You write from your heart and that is admirable. Thank you for that.
Thank you so much for this. I do not have babies anymore, but I think my teenager needed me to read this today! I wish I had found you as a mentor when my babies were young. Thank you.
Thank you, Thank you Sally.
I think with my first and second I tried to be perfect. It was just recently, while waiting to have my 3rd, that I realized I need to chill out and just enjoy my children! It’s okay if things get broken. It’s okay if the house isn’t in tip top shape. Are my children happy? Whole? Knowing they are loved? And knowing they are lovely? I’m still struggling with the balance. But I feel myself getting freer, and your post really spoke to me.
I’m cuddling all my children a little more these days and not regreting it one bit. And yesterday we spent a few hours together doing crafts. I can honestly say I really enjoyed them yesterday and wasn’t “counting the hours” until they went to bed.
Sally thank you so much for your wise words and encouragement. An absolute blessing as always.
I am still so thankful that God led me to your books one day in the bookstore as a new mother – the one you speak of in particular revolutionised our parenting and I look forward to seeing it in print again!
I enjoyed reading this post. It’s a great reminder that we need to model the character that we are seeking to teach our children. However, I feel your analogy is very weak. You cannot be certain that the one mother’s child is strong willed because she used a schedule. Some children are more stubborn and strong willed by nature. My friend never used a schedule, demand fed, stayed at home, and offered much love to her daughter, but her daughter did not like to be held. She would cry, and was much happier when she wasn’t held. Today she is a confident, independent, and thriving 13 year old. On the other hand, I used a very flexible schedule and all four of my babies were easy going. It was implied that having a schedule means the child is not receiving love and attention. That is simply not true. I think the important thing is to weigh all advice, and be careful not to fall into extremes.
I read through this post again, and I really feel you need to be careful how you approach this subject. Basically, your example of doing “good” unto your child is the mom that demand fed, and your example of doing “bad” unto your child is the mom that uses a schedule. That is offensive. They are both moms “doing unto their child” what they believe is best, and it is not your place to decide what that is for either of them. Maturity comes with being able to recognize that two mothers can do things differently and that’s ok.
You have spoken directly to my heart this morning and the good Lord knew that I needed to hear all of these words. I have been praying for “peace” in my house for days now and am TRYING to create it, but have a tough time with my two head strong – willed children.
Please, do you have any advice or encouragement for those ladies who have all ready passed the baby stage and done all of the wrong things. 
I was determined not to spoil my babies and now feel like I have created monsters – SOMETIMES…..other times, I see the loving, caring, independent children that I am helping to raise. 
Any advice or help would be appreciated! Thank you for your beautiful post!
Sally,
I just want to add my voice to the many others here, thanking you for being willing to speak gently to the topic of how to mother our little ones. I have seven children, and over the years and through some painful losses, God has taught me a different way to mother them that what I started out with. I wish so much that I could go back and change the way I parented my first few kids when they were little. I have very strong relationships with them now — but I regret so much that I didn’t hold them more when they were babies. Even my military-traditionalist hubby agrees that our babies now are MUCH happier and calmer than our earlier babies were. So anyway, I hope your post can prevent some younger moms from making the same mistakes I did. I wish someone had told me some of these things many years ago.
oh Sally.
Thank you for these words. Your words are so nurturing and comforting. I know what you mean about the difference between a nurturing mother and a non nurturing mother. I get it. I used “scheduled” means with my son and I totally regret it. It produced in me a non nurturing mother. Actually, in the end I was the one who ended up selfish. I don’t know something about that book. My son is now 17 and I do see that I wasn’t that nurturing as I was with my other three. When a mother is encouraged to nurture their child, it produces so much more satisfaction, between a mother and child. Whether we let them cry or not, or let them have time alone or not. I really don’t think there is any hard fast rule about how we raise our children as long as we are putting in place what the Lord put into our hearts and that is to NURTURE our children. One thing I remember my pediatrition telling me that revolutionized my thinking about babies sleeping though the night, is he said that if you feed them more often in the day, they will need less at night. Hence, they will wake less. I did that and it worked!
I could kind of tell when they would start to wake out of habit. And we kind of delt with that. But, the wisdom is the same. And I loved every minute. Because I began to look at my child in a nurturing way. The whole family did too. Actually we all need nurturing really….God Bless You. Sally.
Bea.
Thanks for this. It’s so refreshing to receive support for the way we raised our infants. We did this but were in frequent danger of receiving criticism and even a scolding kind of response from others who parented differently. Our youngest is 7 now, but if we had another infant I would do it the same way.
And, this sharpens my awareness for how to live the golden rule to them at these ages. They don’t want or need to be nursed or carried, but what *can* I do for them that I am withholding now? Good for me to self-examine and ponder.
This is certainly a place of life and encouragement and peace. Thank you for giving of yourself to give that here.
I just wanted to say that I have been ridiculed by Mom’s because I co-slept with my son until he chose to sleep on his own. (He chose his own bed at 8 or so months old.) I fed him (and still do) when he’s hungry, and let him eat until he’s finished. (Upon recommendation of HIS physicians.) And I don’t force naps on him. I’ve been told that I’ll have a wild child, and that he’ll be spoiled and petulant. But so far, nothing could be further from the truth. He IS very active and sometimes fidgety, however, he’s always been that way. He’s almost 3 and in church he’s one of the better behaved little children there. He says thank you without prompting, and you’re welcome without prompting. He’s quick to say please and “I need help.” But he’s VERY independent. His favorite sentence right now is “I DO IT!” Right now, we’re combating the “It’s MINE!” but from my experience, all children go through this. So, we’re teaching him to give things away. The way I see it, my son will only be this age once. And what I give to him now, will carry over the rest of his life. He has a guided structure, but he also has freedom, spontaneity, affection and independence. And that’s the type of adult I want him to be. I think that’s what all parents want their children to be. They just all have a different means to get there.
This post is so beautiful. I so wish that I would have heard this about ten years ago when I was expecting my very first baby. I had heard of the training method of which you speak and was very scheduled and regimented in my mothering. How I regret that decision. And it is only by the grace of God that I have a beautiful relationship with my soon to be 10 year old daughter. However, she still faces a lot of insecurity…and I believe it is due to the way I parented her as a baby (let her “cry it out” and feeding exactly at 4 hour intervals.) Needless to say, my milk dried up when she was only 2 months old. Fortunately, I became a little more wise when babies 2, 3, and 4 came along. I currently have a 7 month old who has the sweetest disposition ever. I think his temperament is due to the way I love on him and cuddle him and nurse on demand. He is a completely different baby than my first. Thank you again for sharing!
Well written. We are the ONLY mammals that abandon our babies when they cry. We are the ONLY mammals that stick our babies in a room by themselves. Can you imagine a primate mom leaving her child to “cry it out” in the next jungle over. It just would never happen. As a farmer, I have learned a lot watching how attentive animals are to their babies. It is sad for me to watch humans who should know better but have long killed instinct to literally neglect their babies. And it is sad for me to think that I have animals at home that are better mothers….
For the first year of her life, my daughter was with me all the time. She slept with me, I wore her often in a sling or back carrier (still do occassionally at 2 years old when she is sick or tired) and I nursed her whenever she wanted. If she wasn’t with me, she was with someone I trusted that I knew would pick her up when she cried, etc. The end product: an independent, loving, kind and attentive child with a calm and wise demeaner about her. I will be doing the exact same thing with my next baby.
It’s nice to be one of the fews moms that have NO regrets.
Pride comes before a fall. That’s all I have to say about that. “It’s nice to be one of the few moms that have No regrets.” Really? Because you have a small child that is doing well so far? Is she past her teens? Is she a godly and productive adult member of society yet?
I really do not like the strong undercurrent of formula-ism I’m feeling around here. One of the reasons I respect Sally is that she is always encouraging us not to cling to formulas or to think that by doing everything right we can guarantee results. But now I’m seeing just another brand of formula thinking…do it my way and all your wildest dreams will come true. When are we going to realize that we are sinners and so are our children? Babywise, attached, whatever…some will go right, others will go wrong. We moms are not the Holy Spirit. We cannot force our children to “turn out”. Patting ourselves on the back when they do is sinful pride.
The clear intent of this post is to respond to our babies’ and children’s individual needs! God Bless You for putting this story out to the world in a loving way. I am extremely proud of my daughters and their husbands for their loving, responsive raising of their children. I encourage ALL of us to respond to our children as God would have us do it – regardless of how they treat us or what we want. The point is the right thing for the right reason.
The difficulty with stricter forms of parenting comes when the love and kindness are not the foundation. Thanks for the reminder!
YES and yes. AMEN. Thank you for being bold enough to share the truth.
Sally,
Your thoughts were such a blessing.
Mothering from a heart of sacrifice is not common, encouraged, or even praised often in today’s society. I greatly appreciate how you remind me of this so often!
And why do we as parents expect our children to display quality of character if we never model it? But, oh, how easy it is to forget this and slip into a purely law-enforcement mode.
The second mom in your post might as well have been myself. Even down to my husband and I searching out books on how to ‘fix’ our ‘strong-willed’ child. Now I work daily to earn back the heart of my eight year old.
Scheduling one’s household and children is a valuable tool, and no child should believe the world revolves around them. But I have to remind myself: “what do I want to pass down to my children and grandchildren? That finishing my tasks and having ‘me time’, or being flexible to their needs was most important in our family.”
Sally, you are a breath of fresh air and I appreciate your courage and grace!
Heather
Sally,
Thank you so much for your wise words on this subject. It breaks my heart that Christian mothers who want to do the right thing are being told that the Babywise method is “God’s Way”, and going against their natural, God given mothering instincts. Thank you again for your boldness to address this touchy issue. The Christian Research Journal published a well researched article about some of the issues with the Ezzo’s teachings including scripture twisting, authoritarianism, isolationism, and physical and emotional endangerment. I have included a link to the article for anyone interested.
http://www.equip.org/articles/the-cultic-characteristics-of-growing-families-international
Sally, Amen! Thank you for following the heart of God unafraid. This article has reminded me that even now it is not to late to nurture the heart of my children (though i have blown many times over the years) as I model for them the Fruits of the Spirit. You are a blessing Sister.
I never comment on these sorts of controversial topics, but I will now, though even now including my name is something I cannot bring myself to do.
As a former student of the Ezzos and Growing Kids God’s Way, I can honestly say that I followed everything as prescribed and poured over the books religiously. I was a defender of their philosophy and recommended it to friends and family.
Ultimately all of the disclaimers and encouragement they included to still cuddle, be responsive etc, were drowned out by the overall message that my child was manipulative and overall BAD. I fought my every instinct to the point of severe confusion and depression. I have a tremendously intelligent, very persistent, passionate, SPIRITED son. And for the first 6 mos. to a year of his life all I saw was a stubborn, strong-willed, defiant child. After reading GKGW religiously, I picked up other books about how to tame my strong-willed child. He was my adversary.
God is faithful. When my son was 6 mos. a dear friend gave birth, and watching her with her newborn began my walk out of a very dark season. I learned to love and respond to my child more lovingly. Yes. There is a place for discipline, correcting and teaching. That place is not with your 1 week old. When you are exhausted and paralyzed with fear over “creating bad habits”. Not long after my Aunt and somewhat of a mothering mentor recommended a [secular] book called “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy. To my surprise this secular book was my way BACK to a godly heart toward my son. I could go on and on but the basic gist is THANK YOU! THANK YOU for this post!
I should’ve said, “using my name is something I can hardly bring myself to do”.
This is a wonderful post! Those first years are so precious and I am cuddling with my 3-month old as she nurses now =) Modeling Christlike attitudes and behaviors are keys to being light in this dark world and it does start in the home. Teach them with love as our Lord teaches us and correct them with love as our Lord corrects whom he loves. Yes, the rod must come because he also said spare the rod and spoil the child but to everything there is a time and a place and we must love with mercy and grace!
PRAISE REPORT: As I prayed recently about the Lord showing me how to show love as he desires (especially those who claim to love Christ but only do so with their mouth) and I asked that he reveal this in our dreams. As I woke up in the midnight hour my husband said in his sleep “DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO TO YOU!” So I had to comment on this post for God’s perfect timing.
Christmas is near…I am sharing 25 days of Christmas truths on my blog as the Lord has opened our hearts to bless others with this information. Blessings!
My daughter was born at 24 weeks along in my pregnancy. She was in the NICU for 2 1/2 months. It was a miracle she was even concieved as I was never supposed to be able to have a child. I was raised in the babywise fashion and my mother greatly pushed this way of parenting on me, but I felt that wasn’t the way I wanted to raise my child. I guess because I knew she may be my only one I cherished every moment I could with her. I held her almost all the time, she co-slept with my husband and me, and if she was hungry she got fed immediately. I didn’t feel the rush to see her grow up but cherished each moment she was in and now I have no regrets looking back on her childhood. She is a beautiful 12 year old now and I am still cherishing each and every moment I can with her! Without posts like these to help show me that what I was doing was good, our relationship may have turned out very differently. Thank you so much for putting into words such wisdom!
Oh dear! Do you really need another response?! Probably not, but here is mine since I didn’t find something similar.
First Sally, I do want to tell you how much I love you! You and your website are a great source of encouragement to me.
I can’t help but wonder, if it is the interpretation and individual filtering mechanisms that each one of us have that end up creating the extremes that seem to bear bitter fruit when reading books like the aforementioned one.
When I read that book, I agreed with some of the basic principles and tried to create a schedule for my children when they were babies so they would come to know what to expect.
However, as I watched others around me( we were living in Seminary housing) a lot of moms became very militant with their children and many of them would let their children scream to the top of their lungs for up to two hour (Seminary housing has VERY thin walls)
These moms were not very nurturing at all when I observed them on the playground and it seemed all they talked about was that book and how any parent that did NOT practice it was going to be raising spoiled children. (Seriously)
I realized then that this was not something I wanted to adhere to as a “program” but also realized that these moms were naturally more militant and so through their militant filter, they saw it more in light of how they could control their children.
Where as, the more gentle moms would see it through the filter of nurturing and listen more to the advice to know and key into your child’s needs that the book also mentions. These moms would most likely hold and cuddle their babies much more and nurture, rather than control, would be the focus of their parenting.
I think our filtering processes tend to have more to do with the application or misapplication of any book.
Does that make sense? Perhaps I am babbling:)
In my experience, you are absolutely right, Michelle. We do bring to any book/approach/idea our own personality and tendencies.
Though, I would suggest, it isn’t just “militant” moms who have been prone to be unduly influenced by the Ezzo books to be more harsh. . . but those who may also want to do everything “right” or are fearful or insecure (even though they probably don’t think so at the time. . .)
In addition, considering your cultural context (seminary housing with many people embracing/promoting these ideas), there is huge social pressure to conform and be sure you are doing everything “right” — not just “by the book” but in the eyes of those who are peers or authorities. That was my experience. The then-southeast regional directors of GFI attended our church when my oldest was a baby, there were classes all the time, EVERY parent went through Prep, etc., and our social support network was a “Growing Moms” group. HUGE social pressure to do everything right. No wonder my oldest ended up with Failure to Thrive. . . his early signs of problems were dismissed as “normal” by those I considered to be “Titus 2″ women in my life.
Thank you, Tulip Girl! I think what helped me refrain from giving into all the pressure, (and it was everywhere!) was the fact that, as an only child, I was always pretty independent-minded and a bit rebellious towards “social norms.”
But, I did practice first time obedience very rigidly with my first born child who was, by the way, very compliant to begin with and I felt that I over-did it with her. I didn’t practice this because of the Ezzo’s books but because of a family member’s advice to always expect it-no matter what!
H.C. Trumball, in his book, Hints on Child Training warns against the tendency of overdoing it with our firstborn. (I wish I had read that when she was little)
It saddens me to hear that your child struggled so. I have also been working to un-do what I can by encouraging her to express herself more and being interested in her thoughts. I always had been, but overdoing it can make a child more reticent to be herself.
TulipGirl, I agree! I obsessed myself over a schedule with my first as a baby because I was so insecure of doing it the “wrong way.” I had never been around babies before, what did I know? I had anxiety attacks when she wouldnt nap at the right times, or didnt go to bed at the right time, or didnt get a nap during church, or catnapped, or didnt get 12 full hours of sleep at night, or… well, you get the picture. I know this all stems back to BW and its insecurities it placed in my mind. I didnt want to raise a spoiled child, like Ezzo suggested if my child went off schedule! At 3 yrs old, up until very recently, we have had a very adversarial relationship and it was only when I decided to just let go of doing it “the right way” that I really have started to enjoy her. My 2nd is a year old and she has been such a fussy, colicky baby that she fought against any kind of routine that I tried to put her on, lol!
That book should be titled, Legalism for Babies.
Thank you Sally for these true, grace-filled words. God bless you for having the courage to share this even though you knew it would be controversial. I decided to homeschool because of your books, and I am so glad I did. Thank you!!!! I love all your books too.
I love this post. Thank you for writing it, Sally. I am a Christian Marriage and Family Therapist turned stay-at-home mom. I have found that many of the Christian books on raising children are too adversarial and neglect to take child development and our sinful natures into account. I remember you writing in one of your books that we expect our children to be perfectly obedient, but are we free from sin? I also have read much of the research on attachment theory, and it speaks for itself. You are absolutely right that we should respond to our newborn’s cries by holding, nursing, or comforting in another way. At this stage, babies are only learning whether or not they can feel secure in the world, whether people care for them or not. To think they have the will and cognitive capabilities of much older children who do need correction and can become spoiled and selfish by too much coddling, is just silly. Thank you for your post and for your writings in general!
Thank you for this post – so generous of your heart, spirit, experience and Godly perspective. Your encouragement to us all to reach out in love is timely and important.
Thank you, Sally, for the words from your heart. I am a mother of five, ages 6 and under. Mine is a perspective that I have not read from previous comments, although, as I said before, my kiddos are 6 and under so forgive me if I missed this from someone else
.
Our sweet baby #4 went to be with the Lord quite unexpectedly at 2 months. It has been a year and a half since she passed, and we have since been blessed with our rainbow baby. While I still miss her terribly, I rejoice in the fact that she is worshipping at the feet of our Savior and will one day join her. One of the many aspects of her short stay here on earth that I am so grateful for is the fact that I have no regrets. I loved on, cuddled, and rocked her as much as possible while she was here. I praise the Lord for His wisdom and grace that allowed me to do this.
Does this mean I do not discipline other children or that life revolves around our new infant? No, that would be impractical, impossible and unwise. But it does mean that things I took so seriously with baby number one and two are just not that important now. Again, this does not mean that I let poor behavior slide from the older ones. That is not love. It just means that how often I feed my baby and how long she sleeps at night are really not that important in light of eternity. Right now, I am just drinking in all the sweet baby time I can get.
Every wife/mother has to to deal with the continual needs of her husband, children, and home.
It is not a chore. It’s a design. It’s a plan.
Will you be willing to give your body as a living sacrifice to Christ as a servant of His to serve your family?
Are you willing to meet the needs of others in the spectacular role God has designed for the woman?
I suspect that this is the issue that faces us all as wives and mothers. It’s at the bottom of every struggle we face.
Regarding our infants, are we willing to give our time, energy for their care? Or do we look for a substitute?
Is there a substitute for you, dear Mother?
I think answering these questions may help us to decide the “hows” of mothering.
So many moms who mocked me for my gentle parenting ways, are now approaching me as our kids are all in their teens. They see a marked difference in how my kids interact with me and they are stymied. I’m still the mother , I’m still the boss , but my children speak freely without fear of physical repercussions , they honor me , they treat me well. I think in part , because I threw out the garbage , and treated them well…following my heart.
Thanks for speaking so eloquently on this matter.
I love this, Jennifer. (())
Great post Sally. I wish I had known you when I had my first child. I read a book very similiar to what you described and tried to follow it but it seemed so cruel. Thankfully my son did not take too kindly to being put on a schedule. I could not handle hearing him cry so I gave up within a few months. I think the greatest thing I can do for my children is to go beyond meeting their needs with love and service so they will repeat the same when the time comes. Miss and love you dearly.
Tami C.
Sally,
In my short mothering time, I have seen this to be true – and have been blessed that my children are still young. With my oldest two, (now 8 and 5), I started out being strict and not wanting to caudle them. Along the way, I know that I did not meet their need for affection and nurture. I’m so thankful that God has shown me one of the easiest and best places for me to be is with my arms around my children – guiding them in to His ways. I’m so thankful for another child (now 1) to start fresh with from the start.
Discipline alone will not win my children’s hearts for the Lord. Discipline with love, nurture, and encouragement will give them security and motivation to move toward their loving Father. Thank you for speaking on such a difficult subject for Moms!
I just wanted to thank you for the post. This could have been directed at any book out there or any type of force fed ideals on raising your kids out there today. Like the lady mentioning her grandmother nursing before the depression, that was how mothers were mothers. What changed? Gods ways? No. What changed was this feminist movement, and it has taken over every walk of life for us as mothers. We are told what is best for us! It’s not really for our children, when they say do this or do that. They don’t know our children. My firstborn didn’t really have a mother in the real sense. He had a provider who felt it wrong of him to ruin my plans. I “needed” to work or go here, or there, and he couldn’t ruin those plans. It was great taking a baby around everyone fussing over him, but he was in the way, so I had to show who was in charge! I was boss, you do what I say or else. I was convicted, when I heard moms sharing what a joy it was to see this or that step involved their child’s p
Life. I prayed and asked God for His ways. It wasn’t the feminist ways. I quit my job when he was 18 months old. I raised a insecure child. I have asked for his forgiveness and try to do different by all of my six children. I see that feminism has destroyed mothers and children, for what God called that special relationship to be. Even in the Christian model it is distorted with feminism. I’m just sharing from my heart that Christian in the name doesn’t mean it is biblical. We need to stand up and promote motherhood for the way God intended for it to be. Loving, teaching, training all the blessings God has given us and stop reading all the worlds feminist propaganda. We are born for this special purpose to raise sons and daughters for God! The worlds philosophy created a selfish woman not a Godly mother.
I am currently taking the GKGW class, and am noticing trends between the material and comments being made here.
The theme is this: “I RECEIVED SO MANY COMPLIMENTS….”
Now please do not take offense, because I know we all need encouragement in our parenting journeys, but I must ask, who are we aiming to receive praise from?? Whose opinion do we revel in, that of God or man?
The phrases/verses:
Not the 10 commandments set in stone. One woman’s desire to share some wisdom to those who are just beginning their mothering journey.
“take it with a grain of salt.” & “everything in moderation” are coming to mind after I read some of these comments.
I think this post was very gently written & has an excellent theme. Treat your children how you would like to be treated. Parents are the first example. Why not make it your best effort to show them these things.
A good reminder for everyone!
Thank you for sharing your heart!
Hi Sally,
Your post really spoke to me and all I could do was pray out loud, asking God to help me with this. I was raised in a loving home but one that was strict and your behaviour was watched constantly. This lead me to feel that I always had to behave in a certain way to be accepted and loved (I know this contradicts my “loving” description but I do feel that we were and are still loved by my parents). My mother regrets being harsh with us. She also didn’t want to raise children who were spoilt and disrespectful. Authority was everything though…. Unfortunately I have carried over a little of this into my own parenting. I’m not as strict as she was but I often hear her when I’m shouting/complaining to my own 2 children (aged 6 and 3). Until I started reading your blog, I had never even heard or thought of winning a child’s heart. I always just thought that this happens by default and that the rebellion that comes out afterwards is just from the child making bad choices.
Anyway, I stumble to put into words exactly how I feel but I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do. You’re an inspiration to me like no other (on earth!) and I am forever grateful that God lead me to your blog. I live all the way in South Africa so chances of me attending one of your conferences are very small but I wish you all the best and am praying for you!
Sally-
Thank you for sharing your heart and for using gentle words. I have battled with these issues myself and often feel alone in my “attached” way of mothering, and in our gentle discipline techniques (all after much soul searching, prayer and study of the Bible). More new moms need to hear this message, which, to me, rises above any “method.” My husband and I set out to raise our boys a certain way and have prayed for God’s wisdom all along the journey that now spans over six years. Our boys are a joy and a delight (smart, confident, kind and thoughtful, among other things) but the best part is, we know we are raising them the best way that we can, which is between us and God. Let moms hear this and then decide. We need to approach the heart of God and say, “What would you have me do?” Too many moms miss that point and just do it the “easy” way or how it’s always been done. Thank you for challenging us to think about it in a new way. Be encouraged, Sally! You are a blessing!
Wow! First time visitor, and of course I’m visiting when there is something controversial! But even so, with the strong feelings, both for and against this theory of parenting, I’m so impressed with the overall respectful tone of the comments.
I pray that God’s Holy Spirit fills the hearts of everyone who has visited and responded on this issue. I pray for Sally, for continued wisdom, and encouragement. INOJC
The problem underlying this issue is a misunderstanding of fallen human nature. God made us good, and that did not change at the fall of Adam. What changed was our propensity to sin, not our nature. If our nature became sinful, then Jesus could not have become incarnate as a full human being in nature, in essence. In the Eastern Orthodox Church, we do not have this understanding of human nature as evil, but merely fallen.
If a parent believes his children are fundamentally sinful, that sin is the driving force behind what they do (see Augustine!) then that parent is going to have tremendous pressure from his own mis-trained conscience and his like-minded family and friends, to be hard-hearted toward his children. This is not how God treats us, but this is the tendency that springs up from incorrect beliefs, and one of the many reasons why doctrine matters.
Sally, Thankyou so much for being a voice in the Christian community and speaking truth. What a good reminder this post is. It is very easy for me to respond and cuddle my little ones. The older ones are the ones I start getting snippy and demanding with. You are a true titus 2 woman and I hope you realize what a blessing you are to younger mothers.
I think a lot of these comments have been very defensive; possibly not understanding the real intention of the author. I think it’s important to always give an author the benefit of the doubt, especially online, where we sometimes mistake meanings.
That said, I have never heard of Babywise, but I don’t think authoritarian parenting methods are anything new. I was miserable, and my baby was miserable for the first month after her birth, because I was trying to follow some advice of my mil to please her (that was a futile effort!); at a month the dr confirmed my instincts and I threw my mother-in-law’s old-fashioned, negative traditions and superstitions out the window- and we were so much happier! Sofia began to gain weight, cry less, and sleep better, and I was happy, because I wasn’t constantly fighting my instincts to hold her, sleep with her, etc. My mother-in-law had a very strict father whom she was brought to consider as next to God, and I’m sure that affected her views. She had eleven children- 4 out of 5 sons had major rebellion (alcoloholism, drugs, various petty crime), and one is still insisting on his drink and cigarettes rather than God. Three of her daughters are married to unbelievers (or were- Natasha’s husband committed suicide with a home-made gun two years ago). They all know the rules- wearing headcoverings, no make-up, long hair, etc (this a very conservative Russian Baptist family) but I’ve come to believe very few of them understand a relationship with God. This does not mean my in-laws are bad people; they are sincere, love the Lord and did their best to do what they believed was godly. But something was lost, and it is very sad.
As one of the previous commenters mentioned, I too have lost a child, at the age of 36 days (due to my health problems while she was in the womb). I will NEVER take time with my children for granted. We are not promised to tomorrow; you don’t know how long God has given you your child. They are not our children, they are lent to us by God. I pray every night that God would be gracious, and let us enjoy our elder daughter another day, and if I feel convicted of neglect and inattention (by omission or commission) I pray to be more loving and aware the next day.
The pain of losing a child is very, very deep, and never goes away for even an hour. I am very glad that I can remember I sat up with Liza all night the night before she died. Please, love your children, and be grateful for your time with them. And there is nothing you will ever do that is more important- don’t be sparing of your time!
I’m so thankful for this post. I was the ‘harsher’ mother to my first born and due to circumstances in life couldn’t be so structured with my second. I think it was a gift! The second has always been a happier baby. And now in my first born I see her behavior still begging for love and attention. It is so good for me to hear these words from you.
I’ve read through all the comments. I find it telling that no one has commented that they did “attachment parenting” with their first and then switched to Babywise for their other children. So many of us new mothers had ideals, plans, used “expert” resources with our first and second babies but as we matured into mothers (had less time to refer to the experts) the natural nurturuing instinct takes over and our third, fourth, and more babies were mothered more by our natural instincts and our need to survive (!) which for me meant meeting a babies needs on their “demand” so I could care for the older children. My days were not more my own or more productive when I scheduled my first two–just more tense.
Oh my. Another of your posts meant exactly to encourage and exhort me. My children are 7, 5, 4 and 1 month old. THANK YOU. I am working very hard at getting rid of the military, yelling approach with my kids and developing loving relationships with them as I disciple them. I LOVE the title of this post. You so often write exactly what my heart needs to hear… I am grateful to God for you!!! (And it is a delight to respond to my newborn’s every need. People are always surprised at how little she cries and how quiet her cry is. I thought it was just coincidence!)
THANK YOU! THANK YOU Sally for standing strong and saying something that might not be taken well in the mainstream community. But much of what our disciples stood up and said was NOT received well either…people don’t like it when we make them “feel bad” for their choices/decisions they have made.
I also love this from Dr. Sears to go a bit further…
“Oftentimes I felt ridiculous giving my seal of approval to what was in reality such a natural thing to do, sort of like reinventing the wheel and extolling its virtues. Had parents’ intuition sunk so low that some strange man had to tell modern women that it was okay to sleep with their babies?”
— William Sears (Sids: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding and Preventing Sudden Infant Death Syndrome)
Not to say that all women will be able to sleep with their babies, especially if they are not breastfeeding or are intoxicated or can not provide a safe bed sharing environment. http://www.naturalchild.org/james_mckenna/cosleeping.pdf
But the point I take from this post in regards to yours above…is that we have lost ALL TOUCH with HUMAN NATURE and have turned to man/books to TELL US how to LOVE and RAISE our children!!! We have lost touch with nature and our intuition that God blessed us with.
I speak from experience as I have done both…so I’m not being judgmental or not understanding. I’ve been there on both sides. We need to learn to watch out babies and LEARN FROM THEM! Learn to READ their CUES and give them what NATURE provided them through us…nutrition, warmth and love from our breasts and bosoms and arms…not that of a cold hard floor or crib.
But again…somethings may not be “popular” but it’s THE TRUTH and it needs heard!
I’m kind of surprised and saddened by this post. I’ve been following the blog for a month or two now and have come to expect the posts to be balanced and gracious. I look to this blog for comfort and for encouragement, even if we are not all doing things exactly the same. But this post seemed harsh and judgmental. While I understand the concerns about Babywise, it seems that you are painting with a very broad brush.
The truth is, babies & kids respond differently. Some take to schedules well, others don’t. Some need more firmness, some need more freedom. My 3 kids are all Babywise babies. My 2nd child was a dream baby– the easiest, happiest baby you ever saw. She didn’t cry more than 5 minutes her entire infancy. I never had to use cry-it-out or anything. And yet, as a 4.5 yr old she much more emotional and difficult than my other two. You’re trying to paint Babywise kids into one corner, like the more crying they do as a baby the more “damaged” they are when they get older. And I simply have not seen that correlation.
I have 2 sets of twins, 4 years old and 4 months old. I have done a modified Babywise both times and I have the happiest, sweetest babies. With the second set, I was more lax with their routines. But they were very colicky and really needed a better schedule. Within 1 week of improved scheduling, my 6 week old colicky newborns were SO much happier. Babies like predictability.
My babies were the result of fertility treatments, so I know how blessed we are to have these precious lives entrusted to us. I have soaked up every wonderful moment. I enjoyed the above post because it reminds us that sometime a softer approach is the best way with children. However, I do think that you can have scheduled babies and still attend to their every need. Maybe even better since Momma isn’t so worn out!