My own sweet children–the ones trusted into our hands to love and raise for Him!
I am reprinting an article because of many requests. In one article, it is impossible to cover all the bases. So, obviously, there are sides of this issue that I cannot adequately address in one short article. Did we seek to have our children obey us? Of course–through training, instruction, patience, love and guidance. By God’s grace, our precious children, my best friends, and wonderful adults, love us, love the Lord and are engaged in seeking to be responsible in their lives. It is the greatest earthly blessing in my life to be at this place where they all “work” in different places, but where even this week, as I have 3 of them home, agree, that the best place is home because we all belong together. So, I share this article with the heart desire to bless and encourage–but not to cause undue response or consternation. Again, I give to you:
First time obedience, really?
My own children, on whom many philosophies of child discipline were practiced. And yet God’s grace covered our mistakes and they grew into healthy loving human beings by His grace!
Often, the subject of child discipline comes up as I am working with young parents. I do not have the time to answer all of my email or comments as I must stay focussed on my own family and I will not be able to answer all the questions this article will raise, so please understand my time limitations. But I do offer this as some of my own thoughts on childhood discipline and hope that in some way, it may be of encouragement. My blog below is a mish-mash of some of my thoughts–but hope you can make some sense of it!
A Need for Guidance
Well-meaning parents all over the world have tried throughout the centuries to try to figure out the right formula or wisdom to use in raising up a godly, responsible, emotionally and spiritually healthy child. It is right to desire to find a way to love, educate, train and discipline a child to help him become mature.
However, in our culture, so many young couples do not live around their parents, do not have good models of what a healthy family looks like, and so they look to “authorities” to find their answers–people who speak or write books. (Scary thought, since that is what Clay and I do!)
Formulas do not work!
And, I believe, most parents are looking for a formula–a one easy step guide to instantly raising up an obedient child, a one size fits all.
But, over the years, I have heard so many extreme talks about child training and I have also seen many young immature parents follow rigid, formulaic parenting philosophies and I have lived to see many children rebel, leave all the training of their parents and even turn their hearts away from God.
The parents wring their hands saying, “I don’t understand. I followed all the books and did it just like they said!”
Thinking Biblically
However, when we learn to think Biblically, we must learn to live by faith and in wisdom in the raising of our children. If God had wanted us to follow a formula, He would have given one and made it clear so that we could use the ten easy rules to pop out perfect children. But He made each person with a different personality, different maturity level, different ability.
Scripture is much more long term about maturity than we usually want to understand. “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not fall away.”
“The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full day.” A path of life parenting that allows for more and more light to show forth with each passing year.
In Hebrews we read about the mature and immature–about babes who are still drinking milk and not yet ready for solid food–and here the context is of a young Christian and a mature one–allowing for growth.
I tend to look at my children through this lens, “It is the kindness and mercy of the Lord that leads to repentance.” Romans
An Issue of the Heart
First, we must understand that all discipline should be focussed on the heart–not the behavior. Over 800 times in scripture, God talks about the heart–Love the Lord with all of your heart. God searches to and fro for a heart that is completely his. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. and so on. And yet I see many extraverts being disciplined for being louder and more talkative (not rebellion–a personality issue–or boys for being boys–moms who want them to behave like a little lady, etc.)
But God is concerned with our desire to love and obey Him, he already knows we are immature and that we take time to understand His ways. Jesus was patient with Peter and said, “Satan has desired to sift you like wheat,” He predicted that Peter would fall–and Jesus was totally supportive of his disobedient, immature disciple—He said, “I have prayed for you, and after you have returned, strengthen the brethren.” In other words, “I know you will blow it, but I will be with you, I will pray for you, I will still use you.”
And so, when we discipline our children, we must learn to look at their hearts. Is their heart rebellious? Are they being willful? Am I expecting too much for them–their age, their level of over-stimulation, the circumstances, their maturity level, their abilities? A child should not be punished for being exhausted, immature, a boy, or for making a mistake. I make mistakes all the time, again and again. And yet scripture teaches in the new testament and the old that maturity is as a result of training, time, growth, heart and will.
I just have to state at the beginning of this article that my goal was to have my children learn to obey me and to honor me quickly, from a heart that had been trained and nurtured to respond, to want to please me as a parent and to have a heart that wants to please God. Sometimes this means exerting my authority immediately to help them learn that they must learn to listen to mama. Often it meant picking them up into my arms as toddlers to quickly stop the wrong behavior and to whisper, talk to them about my expectation as their mother that they would obey. Grace-based parenting is not equal to permissiveness and lack of training or responsibility for children.
I read constantly when my children were little to learn about how they were made. I remember that I read an article that said that the average 2 year old took between 30 seconds and a minute to have some messages sink in if they were engaged in their brain somewhere else. And so often, I see moms being very strict with their children and being harsh when sometimes the child has not even understood yet just what he is doing wrong. Harshness does not win over a child. Neither does wanting a 2 year old to be more mature than he can be and so punishing him for being 2. We must use wisdom and discretion to understand the situation, the heart of a child, and how to best train him according to our wisdom, faith and training of the child. It is the kindness and mercy of God that leads to repentance. Child discipline should always be based on a relationship between a mature, benevolent, loving parent who is seeking to lead his child to maturity, to train his child to think in the direction of righteousness and to train his behavior little by little.
The mature parent should consider the state of the child, his emotional needs, physical needs before meting out harsh discipline.
Formulas like “First Time Obedience” do not necessarily reach the heart!
I was speaking at a conference once and the speaker before me was plying the audience with all sorts of guilt. This speaker said, “If you don’t require first time obedience every time from your children, then you are disobeying God and you will be responsible for losing your child’s heart and tempting him to rebel against God!” Many men in the audience cheered loudly and clapped. I could just see the harshness that would follow in their homes because a speaker had given them permission to be harsh and demanding, every time with children, without ever teaching these parents sympathy, wisdom, skill and understanding with their children, their ages, their paths of life.
But Really? Can you cite me verse and give context that says God always requires first time obedience without mercy? I am thankful that He is much more patient with me than that in my own life. I have made so many mistakes over the years and done such foolish things, and still He is there loving me, instructing me, showing me his compassion and gently leading me daily to better understand His holy and righteous standard for me.
I have seen no Biblical evidence that this is a true “rule.” Of course I believe in training our children to obedience and to teach them to have the highest of standards, and often it meant training them to learn to obey us as we requested something of them, by training them to obey quickly.
But I believe the reason Deuteronomy 6-8 talks about us speaking to our children morning, noon, night and presenting truth and the gospel to our children every moment of the day, is that training is to be a whole-life passing on of values and obedience and wisdom, a morning, noon and night—let’s live together in fellowship and relationship and you will see that I have your best in mind and I will teach and train you how to be mature, wise and excellent.
It is a process of love, consistency, patience, and repeating over and over and over and it takes many years for a child to become mature. Maturity and integrity are also issues of the heart and motivation that comes from responding to the teaching and instruction given in love and mutual respect.
Ignorance produces harshness
The unfortunate thing is that many parents, in the name of faithful discipline, do not understand the differences between babies or toddlers or young children or even teens with all of their hormones, and they exhibit anger and harshness toward their children, act in a demeaning way, while neglecting the cues of the child at each stage. These parents have no perspective for the children themselves–they use a rule and formula no matter what–and often wonder why their children to not respond to them.
But, this kind of one rule discipline neglects the child’s basic well being. If children are exhausted or overstimulated by television or other children, they are naturally more hostile or out of control. A wise parent will tend to his child’s need for rest, quiet, rhythm, balanced blood sugars and understand hormones or emotions, and personality. Often I see children disciplined for things the parent has neglected–their physical and emotional needs—when the child’s behavior is often a direct message to the parent of a basic need that has been neglected.
I believe that Biblical discipline must take a long time to secure the heart–many years of constant loving training and instruction. We had very high standards for our children, but our discipline was always viewed through a lens of relationship as the strong basis of our discipleship of our children. Without a close relationship, discipline is quite unproductive.
I am also convinced that a parent must live by faith, trust in God, wisdom, and patience. I spent many hours on my knees praying, seeking God, learning new ways of His parenting with me as I parented my children. It was a process of growing in wisdom. My children are all very different in personality and ability, and yet, by God’s grace, all have come to love us and do deeply love the Lord. But we had to raise each of them up in love, by faith and treat them according to their own personality bent. And the basis of our home was God’s unconditional love and grace.
Lack of Basic Knowledge
I have also observed often, lately, precious moms who do not even know how to treat little ones. I was walking down the hallway of a hotel several months ago and a sweet, young, exhausted mom was exasperated and shaking her 4 month old baby, saying, “Go to sleep, go to sleep!” At which point the exhausted baby cried louder and louder.
I offered to hold the baby for a few minutes and to give the mom a break. She quickly gave the baby to me. I held the baby tightly in my arms and held it against my cheek and gently rubbed its head while singing softly into his little ear, and swaying gently back and forth. Immediately the little one relaxed its stiff body and listened to my voice and within 5 minutes was soundly asleep.
She just had not been taught how to be gentle, affectionate, or personal. It scared me a little to think of the future of this little child.
I also observed that my very introverted, creative child took longer, even as a baby to focus on me. I learned to work with his personality and to get on his eye level, gently get his attention and clearly state what my expectations were. He was happy to comply, but he did not always hear me the first time. (He now my absent-minded professor who composes music and still has a great heart to obey and to please me.)
My third son, I eventually learned, was adhd, and ocd and a few other letters. But being harsh never, never made his more mature or able to change his behavior. I learned that the more I poured into his life–affection, time, listening, talking, the more able he was to obey. I learned that if I was patient and gentle and helped him–holding his hand, using words of encouragement, gentleness, I could lead him in obedience.
My husband, Clay, wrote an excellent book, called Heartfelt Discipline and many have said that it changed their lives. It will be back in print next summer.
When babies are touched and loved and sung to and talked to and have regular routines and regular, healthy diets, they are much more happy all the time and responsive to instruction. However, when a child has not received these basic needs, the only means of a child letting his parents know he is not happy or comfortable with his life is to whine or cry. When I am around generally healthy children whose needs have been met, it is obvious because they seem more content with life. All children are immature and will misbehave, and pages and pages could be written about the subject, but these are just a few of my thoughts.
My last thoughts on this today and then I must run to my day. Jesus’ life is my example. There was a lost world because His children rebelled against Him–no first time obedience. But His love and compassion was so much a part of His character and being, He was compelled to come to save us. He fellowshipped with His disciples, loved them, listened to them, confronted them, corrected them, fed them, taught them, and laid down His life for them. Because of their relationship with Him, and their love for them, they were willing to lay down their life for Him and His kingdom.
His love compelled them–it was a long-term process, this one of securing their obedience and hearts, but their hearts wanted to please Him and obey Him because of what He had meant to them. And so I did write Ministry of Motherhood, reflections on Jesus’ method to secure the hearts of His twelve. It has been a study over many years. And today, from my quiet time, I am again humbled and blessed by His active, redeeming, sacrificial love that redeemed me.
His model to me as a parent, “Greater love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for his friend.”
Oh Sally, I was in tears so many times as I read this article! You have spoken my heart *exactly*…. I am also an older gal with most of my child rearing days behind me. It breaks my heart to see young earnest parents enforcing “first time obedience” with little ones who seem to barely even understand what’s expected of them. I’m so thankful the Lord has never required first time obedience from me♥
Thank you so much for your wise words. As an experienced mom, I often get questions on the subject of childrearing. I’d love to direct young families to this article when the subject of first time obedience comes up.
How freeing to know that we don’t have to require obedience on the first time-that sometimes it takes longer to train our kiddos. Thank you:)
Sally, I first found your ministry and books when a friend shared the first posting of this article with me over a year and a half ago. It was such a blessing to me, and from there I found your books and have been a huge fan. Thank you for reposting this. As I read it again I can see so many new things, I didn’t see before – as I, and my children, mature. I appreciate your life’s work. You have truly helped me be a better mom. Thank you.
I am so glad that you again posted this. While reading I had an “Aha” and heart humbling moment. I’ve known in my head for oh so long that it’s really about the heart of my child, this is of course what I want to affect in my parenting, however it just dawned on me that really I want my children to obey so that it will be easier for me. Now that my true heart has been reveled I’ll be praying to better see the hearts of my children. So, today, by the grace of God and with new resolve, I’ll continue the journey.
I’ve always wondered why we are taught by some authorities to teach our children to obey the first time. Isn’t it a good thing to give them time to think about whether they want to obey and why they are obeying? I do not want my children to obey out of fear but out of love and consideration. I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Thank you for the article!
My second daughter has been extremely difficult to handle and demanding since birth and I’ve poured most of my love, energy and attention into her, (thankfully the other kids allow me to do so) I lose heart whenever people ask me if it’s because I don’t give her enough love as she normally behaves terribly as compared to other children her age. I’m so encouraged that you mentioned it takes a LONG time to teach our children and that I will see the fruit of my loving discipline in the years to come. As it is, I praise God that she has very much improved over the 3 years of her life and pray that I will continue to teach and train her lovingly.
I have a question though: I’ve been using the rod to discipline her when all else fails and I usually don’t do it in anger but as a matter of fact that she has chosen to rebelliously disobey despite reasoning with her. I hardly have to use the rod for my other kids since they normally obey after I use other methods e.g. meeting felt needs, reasoning, time-out, removing privileges, natural consequences etc. You have not mentioned anything about using the rod. Am I being too harsh on her? I’ve been telling her that the bible says to obey the parents and not obey the rod but it seems that she will only come to her senses when I bring out the rod. I always take time to have an intimate moment of talking it through with her in my arms after I spank her. I will also check for marks on her skin in case I hit her too hard and I don’t find any most of the time. Was I wrong to have resorted to spanking?
So sorry that I’ve posted my comment at the wrong place.
Oh thank you Sally! I have read Heartfelt discipline and loved it’s freeing message about sympathy and gentleness toward our children. It was a blessing as I raised my 3 young boys and now I enter into puberty (soon with all 3!) and am thankful for the reminder that that gentleness and understanding needs to follow.
Young mom in the midst of the terrible twos here– thanks for this reminder of God’s grace, mercy and patience with us!
I’ve always wondered why we are taught by some authorities to teach our children to obey the first time. Isn’t it a good thing to give them time to think about whether they want to obey and why they are obeying? I do not want my children to obey out of fear but out of love and consideration. I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who thinks this way. Thank you for the article!
My second daughter has been extremely difficult to handle and demanding since birth and I’ve poured most of my love, energy and attention into her, (thankfully the other kids allow me to do so) I lose heart whenever people ask me if it’s because I don’t give her enough love as she normally behaves terribly as compared to other children her age. I’m so encouraged that you mentioned it takes a LONG time to teach our children and that I will see the fruit of my loving discipline in the years to come. As it is, I praise God that she has very much improved over the 3 years of her life and pray that I will continue to teach and train her lovingly.
I have a question though: I’ve been using the rod to discipline her when all else fails and I usually don’t do it in anger but as a matter of fact that she has chosen to rebelliously disobey despite reasoning with her. I hardly have to use the rod for my other kids since they normally obey after I use other methods e.g. meeting felt needs, reasoning, time-out, removing privileges, natural consequences etc. You have not mentioned anything about using the rod. Am I being too harsh on her? I’ve been telling her that the bible says to obey the parents and not obey the rod but it seems that she will only come to her senses when I bring out the rod. I always take time to have an intimate moment of talking it through with her in my arms after I spank her. I will also check for marks on her skin in case I hit her too hard and I don’t find any most of the time. Was I wrong to have resorted to spanking?
Jaclyn,
Don’t beat yourself up, hon! It’s hard! You’re trying! It’s gonna be okay!
Take heart, sister, I never met anyone who was “ruined” by spanking. God’s grace is sufficient for you and your daughter. Lots of people will condemn you for corporal punishment, but I won’t. If you discipline in love, as you are trying to do, then I don’t believe you will crush the heart of your child.
Since spanking your daughter upsets you and you are concerned that it may not be the best thing, you might want to eliminate it, so your conscience is clear. You probably tried all of this already, but just in case, I’ll pass on some advice that helped me, not just with preventing conflict with my kids, but with avoiding sin, too.
Consider the environmental factors that lead up to it.
1.) What is going on with you immediately before a spanking offense? Consider schedule, when you last ate, life stressors, sleep, etc. If you have a trigger, try to manage it ahead of time, if possible. (Not that you are spanking in anger or to make your own life easier, but sometimes there are contributing factors in our lives that make us more prone to use sterner punishment.)
What is going on around your daughter, both physically and temporally (what’s just happened, or what is just about to happen)? Are siblings getting home from activities, demanding your attention, are you busy getting dinner, are you out in public (always a vulnerable time for misbehavior) is it morning, afternoon, evening, bedtime?
What is happening in your child’s life? Is there a need that might be a trigger for acting out (rebelling)? Is she hungry /tired /lonely /bored /lethargic /anxious /frustrated etc. Our biggest discipline problems stemmed from understimulation of a very active, driven child. Lacking action, our child would settle for drama, brought about by misbehavior. It took us many years to understand. Now, we can send our “difficult teenager” out for a long walk or trampoline session and get back our “cheerful youth”. Most of the time.
There is no answer, Jaclyn, except from God. There is just love, faith, prayer, and the counsel of many fellow believers. Keep your chin up. Just do what you believe is best, and seek the Lord at all times. The Holy Spirit will give you wisdom.
Hi Jaclyn,
Something that really helped me through the toddler/preschool years was learning that children brains don’t develop the ability to manipulate and rebel until later in childhood. At this young age, they are simply learning about everything and experimenting (How will mama react if I do this? What if I do it again?). Understanding this has helped me to handle situations with much more empathy and patience. And it’s never too late to start over! We spanked our son for a few months before we realized that it had begun to destroy our relationship. We apologized and committed to him that we wouldn’t do it anymore, and over time our relationship has healed.
Blessings,
Judy
Oh Sally,
Tears, tears, and more tears. I’m just so tired. Three boys 11, 10, and 7. They could not be more different from one another.
You speak truth sweet friend. Honestly you could re-post this one every week and I could glean more. Thank you Sally.
I love this! it sums up so much of my heart and thoughts toward discipline with our own children. I recently read a blog post that said exactly what the speaker said, that if you children don’t obey immediately then you are teaching them to rebel against God. I couldn’t believe that I was reading that, but it’s sadly what a lot of people believe.
Thank you Sally for posting this one again…I need to read it again!
One question if you have time to answer…when will the new Heartfelt Discipline book be out? I haven’t ever gotten to read it and would LOVE to dig into it once it is available again. I am sure it is full of more wisdom like this here in your post.
You are such a blessing Sally! God bless!
Good and wise – all of it.
An expectation of obedience rooted in fear feeds resentment and often rebellion, while obedience born of love and respect leads to honour and friendship with our children as they mature into early adulthood.
I have struggled with this issue as a mama of a little fellow. I think you are right on, and I appreciate hearing your thoughts and everyone who commented.
Oh, thank you. Through my tears, I am so thankful to read this and sorrowful that I am one of those moms who has tried to expect first-time obedience to no avail. I find my expectations in the ceiling and my anger rising, exasperating me as my 3 precious children don’t obey the first time.
The Lord shows me so much mercy, should I not show the same to my sweet little ones? My oldest just turned six, and while I know damage has been done in their hearts, they do know they are loved and there is time to repair the damage.
My six year old dd just this morning was in tears over an issue that I found trivial. By the Lord’s prompting, I decided to hold her as she cried. (Normally, I would tell her I was sorry she was sad, but the matter wasn’t important and she needed to stop crying immediately.) Before even reading this article, though, I decided for a minute to consider how she felt, instead of worrying about getting on with my day. I think it made a big impression on her. This article was then right on time. A million thanks. I will be getting some of your books and gleaning more wisdom on focusing on my children’s hearts in God’s Word.
Thank you for this article. Have moved toward a grace-based parenting style and have found such freedom from guilt and have seen some good things.
This is why you are such a breath of fresh air for so many moms. Before I started reading your blogs/books we were first time obedient parents. And it was harsh.
First time obedience is still the expectation and the standard, but it is now wrapped in more grace and love, less drill sergeant like. If they don’t respond quickly then we talk about it. Sometimes there is a consequence (either given by us or a natural one) and sometimes they get grace.
Grace-based parenting definitely models the heart of Jesus, thanks for today’s post, so encouraging!
You have presented several compelling and thought-provoking arguments that are worth reading and mulling over; but I feel that you jumped to a premature judgement of the young mother of the 4 month old when you stated that you were “scared” for the future of this child. The mother could easily have had no sleep from the night/day before, alone on that trip, etc, and could’ve been overwhelmed at that moment. To say that “She just had not been taught how to be gentle, affectionate, or personal” was a very quick assessment based on an interaction that seemed to take no longer than a few minutes. Unless you knew the woman well and spent a lot of time with her, but I did not get the impression that this was the case.
Thank You. These thoughts are what have been swirling around in my heart and mind as I keep “trying” to read parenting book after parenting book….thank you for putting into words what my heart kept whispering to me.
This philosophy of parenting is a much needed message for our generation of parents. Your words very much echo the wisdom that I gained under the training of Ambleside Schools International (Charlotte Mason schools).
I was taught that children are RARELY rebellious. 99% of the time, their failure to behave appropriately is due to weakness or ignorance. It is our duty to come up with strategies that strengthen them where they are weak. And it is our duty to gently inform their ignorance. And, when we treat weakness or ignorance as though it is rebellion, we actually incite rebellion in their hearts.
We hold high expectations, as we lovingly lead them toward maturity.
(*sorry – I posted this in the wrong spot the first time)
Thanks so much for re-posting. I am printing this out to refer to often as I’ve been discouraged and feeling the pressure of, shall we call them, “formulaic” adults. Just last night we were at a baseball game and my 9yo son was, through no real wrong-doing, attracting glares from a woman in front of him. He was just singing and making noise and commenting (a lot – non-stop, really). At one point I felt so embarrassed that I leaned over and said to him, “Do you intend to make noise for the entire rest of this game?” To which he replied, “Mom, the screen up there says to make some noise.” Sure enough. . . I had to laugh and appologize. And he laughed and forgave me. And I thought all the way home how horrible it was that I’d let someone’s inablity to understand 9yo boys affect how I handled my child. So, again, thanks for this encouraging reminder. It was quite timely.
Great article!!! We do have first time obedience as the standard, but we are learning to have some grace concerning this. As our sons are getting older and our reasons for the first time obedience are becoming less we are laxing on this somewhat. We were first time obedience people simply for the fact that if I am outside doing something with one child and the other starts to innocently do something dangerous such as run into the street for example. If they did not obey the first time and ran into the street with a car coming and I did not get there in time the results could be devastating. However, our boys are getting to the stage where they are going to think their own thoughts and make some judgement calls about dangerous things so the first time obedience is not as crucial. Instead now we are learning to build trust in our children’s lives. As mutual trust develops our children are more inclined to obey us because they know we are on their side and that we truly want to see the very best in their lives. However, I am learning that in our society today many youth believe their parents are against them. This is a tragedy and I pray and work hard to continue to have a good relationship with my children.
Thank you for your article to young mothers. We also heard the obedience the first time and my first two children were spanked a lot. By the time our next two came, we found out that we were pretty harsh with the first two so we did better. Our first two had difficulties in their later years with bitter feelings and we as a family have had to work that out together. Thank you so much for your articles, you’re my mentor! I wish I had known about you in our younger years!
Thank you for the encouragement! I will pass this article along.
I know a whole passel of young mothers who could benefit from another perspective.
I needed this today. I am struggling on how to discipline and guide my two little ones, and I am often confronted by the “first time discipline” ideas. My heart screams no, but it is so tempting because it seems like a solution. Grace and gentleness take longer, but I know that’s where God wants me to go. Thank you so much for speaking my heart for me, Sally.
Thank you Sally! I really needed this reminder and encouragement this moment! I’m visiting my {unsaved} Daddy and i have disciplined my children today based on my pride and wanting to please my Daddy and fear of what he might say about my parenting.
I know better and the Spirit of God dwells in me…I am to be the light and be a vessel of mercy and grace. God used your post to convict and cleanse me through His Word. I don’t always obey first time and God is gracious to me, may I remain in Him and filled with His Spirit. I’m thankful His grace and mercies are new each morning…I have another full day with my Daddy and children tomorrow, im praying I am a faithful witness. Thank you Sally. I love you.
Where can I pre-order the book “Heartfelt Discipline”. My heart breaks because I know there has to be a better way of getting my son to respond to me, but he’s learning some bad attitudes.
I just miss my little boy (he’s almost 4). I want the sweet child I had to come back and this bossy, angry child to go away. I love him, but I don’t know how to reach him. 
Tracy,
You might be able to find the older version of Heartfelt Discipline at your library for the time being! It’s such an excellent help. I wanted to encourage you that both of my boys have become more challenging around 3 years old, and now my older son is 5 and I’m noticing some maturity starting to take root. Stay patient and gentle (as consistently as possible), and he will come through it!
Hugs!
Judy
Thank you, Sally.
This is very freeing for me, because in the homeschooling community, first time obedience is very common. I felt inadequate, like I was doing something wrong. I will take to heart what you’ve written today (and purchase a few of your books to support your ministry). And I hope to meet you some day! I live in TX too.
Thank you so much for this! I was in the first-time obedience camp for quite some time, and my two oldest sons caught on quickly and were very well-behaved children. When our third son came along and got to the age of being disciplined, he seemed not to catch on to the first-time obedience routine. The whole push from that camp not to ever lose the battle of the wills with your child was…well, heartbreaking. I would swat my son’s hand, and there would be no change in his behavior. I remember walking away from him several times in tears with his tiny hands red from the swats. Then, after several months, I was introduced to the word autism. My heart has been absolutely shattered; my son was not intentionally being defiant; he simply could not process all of my requests.. I have cried out in repentance for assuming I could train a human soul the same way a person would break an animal. I have also seen the heart issues in my two older sons that were never dealt with in first-time obedience, so I am having to start anew with them as well. Thank you, Sally, for reminding us that we are fallen human beings raising fallen human beings all in need of mercy. I, too, am looking forward to the release of Heartfelt Discipline.
Excellent!! Perfect timing for me personally and I am sure a great perspective for many moms. will be passing this along…
Sally,
I’m trying to make sure that I understand (from a biblical perspective!) how his little mind and heart are working. As he gets older it’s been harder and harder to know for sure that I’m getting to his heart, which is what I desperately want to do!
Thank you for this re-post. I’m encouraged to know that you re-posted this because other moms were asking questions about this. God has been working in my heart for the past several months about the way I’m discipling my children, and He used this article this morning to greatly encourage me.
I realize that you don’t have time to answer many emails or comments, but I’m going to ask a question just in case.
Our son has several developmental needs, and I’m wondering if there’s a recommendation you have for reading about discipling with “extra” considerations. I’m not looking for a formula.
Thanks again for this post.
ty so much i am a grandmother raising 3 grandkids and i love the lord but i make so many mistakes and i have ask god to help and i found this page i need prayer so much in this area i feel like i fail so mch
I do believe that we must remember that God does call us to first time obedience, and shows us mercy in the midst of discipline. He did not say to Eve, “Eve, I understand that you did not obey me the first time. That’s okay. I am a God of mercy and do not require first time obedience.” No, He disciplined the first couple and showed them mercy (discipline is a mercy to keep us from returning to the path of death), but nowhere does Scripture teach that it is ever okay to disobey-which is what a lack of first time obedience is. To clarify, I know that my children have a sinful heart just like their mama, and I’m not surprised when they sin. And I do think wisdom is so important in discerning is a behavior immaturity, lack of direction from Mom, not seeing to their physical needs, etc. I show them the folly of choosing death (sin) and the loveliness and delight and wisdom of God and His very good ways which reflect how very good and delightful and joyful He is. But I do not think it wise or good to allow my children to drink from the fountain of death-to continue in their ways and say, “well, I don’t expect them to obey the first time.” By all means we minister grace to them, and I think a form of grace to to teach them to respond immediately. How much misery do we as adults experience because we drag our feet in obedience? Elisabeth Elliott once said that what we call struggling is usually delayed obedience. Perhaps I am misunderstanding the article, which is very possible! Communication in written form always limits to a degree. I do want to thank Sally for her heart to encourage moms and point them to the Fountain of Life-I’ve been encouraged so many times.
Sally, thank you so very much for spending the time to write this article! We are in the midst of a ton of transition and it has been so difficult on our oldest son. We work with Campus Crusade and just moved from Austin, Texas to Lisbon, Portugal. So as you can imagine it’s been completely life changing for our 9 year old, who has a compliant, very sensitive heart (to the Lord and others) and also deals with some neurological issues (dyspraxia/ ADD). We’ve been doing grace-based parenting the past several years after first attempting more of the FTO, but have also been under pressures to “go back” to more of the FTO… and it was so timely for the Lord to lead us to this article in the midst of a multitude of questions about how to help and parent our children, esp the oldest. What you have written completely lifted our hearts and resonates with all the other aspects of the gospel God is speaking to us! And as my husband and I read this this morning heavy-hearted after dropping off the kids at their Portuguese school… we just praised the Lord for speaking through this to our need. Thank you so much!