Fussing, fussing, fussing! and how to tame it!

Hi, Dear Friends,
I have been so blessed to receive all of your comments and letters lately. Thanks so much for taking the time as it really encouraged me a lot. It has been a very busy week with lots of exciting possibilities and there are a few more days of busy-ness, so this will not be as long as I would like! Hate to say this, as it seems to plague us from time to time–someone installed a new software on my computer and 2400 letters in my inbox disappeared as well as the fact that for some reason for 2 days I have been able to receive mail but not send it–so the last week of my mail has been stressed. So know that I love hearing from all of you but have an even harder time responding. I have moved a lot of my email to momheart@gmail.com as I can receive and send from there but now Sally@wholeheart.org is working again, too. Never a dull moment.

A couple of weeks ago, Clay and I had a few friends over from our Bible study and picked their brains about ministry ideas and subjects to address. One at the top of the list was siblings fussing! So I will attempt to make a stab at some of my ideas about this area today. There is so much to address, so I will just start with some basics.

I will probably address the issue of fussing in regards to children in the next blog. But, I have been thinking about this issue and praying about it and doing some study in my Bible. Fussing comes from a heart issue–it has at its root the basis of all sin–selfishness and self-centeredness. The attitude behind all quarrels and contention says, “I want my way. I deserve to be the center of attention. I need to have all of my wishes and desires met and everyone else is wrong when they violate my needs and desires.”

However, another spiritual contention comes from pride–I know more than you–my religious philosophy is doctrinally more correct than yours, my educational philosophy is better than yours, I am less bad than you or I am better than you and so on. Pride is also at the root of contention.

Fussing is at the root of divorce, family separations, church splits, sibling rivalry, and any kind of contention that separates people. This plague of selfishness is running rampant in America today as we see  promiscuity–which basically says, “I want my pleasure when I want it, but I don’t have to take in consideration anyone else–gratification is more important than love and commitment.” It also is an attitude that communicates, “If you aren’t going to be mature and fulfill my needs then I have the right to move on to other relationships until I find someone else who can fulfill my needs.”

I have always told my children that it is natural to be selfish, defensive, argumentative, full of pride, but it is supernatural to be mature, loving and patient, humble. Jesus disciplines us that we might conform to His image. He is the model for unconditional love, patience, self-sacrifice, forgiveness, encouragement, humility. He of all people chose to separate Himself from the grandeur of God to become one of the lowly, humble, poor humans of this earth. If He so chose in order to really show us what righteousness looked like, then we should ponder His simple, sacrificial, uncomplaining life in order to really take on His character and love.

Choosing to be an instrument of love requires us to obey His word and His will and to make a choice to be peacemakers and life-givers. Maturity is a process of practicing obedience and choosing love while also knowing that it is the Holy Spirit who lives in us, to work out His good pleasure and holiness through us.

Jesus is our model and yet even Jesus showed us that maturity and righteousness was a process of choosing to do the right thing–obedience–choice of our will–not paying attention to what he felt, but doing what he knew was right–this is the essence of the love and patience we need to teach our children and that we also need to obey.

Hebrews 5:8, in talking about Jesus’ example while on the earth, says,”though He was a Son, (of God), yet he learned obedience by the things he suffered.” Jesus learned obedience by submitting His will to the Father. (by practicing doing what was right–learning obedience)

So, all true love and goodness comes from obeying God and doing the right thing for His sake. When our hearts and the hearts of our children understand this, then we will have the right reason to choose not to be contentious and selfish. Loving God and therefore choosing to be loving to unloving spouses, patient with unlovely toddlers or teens, forgiving in church situations when we have the right to be offended, are all for the love of our Lord who was perfectly loving, patient and kind as the servant leader.

If we are contentious to others, or constantly critical of friends or people in our own life, how can we expect our children to “catch” the spirit of love. If we complain and whine and cry as a habitual response to life, how can our children understand the strength and grace of the unconditional love of Christ lived through us. If we tell our children to quit complaining or whining of arguing and then proceed to complain against our in-laws or husband or arguing with others, then we are not establishing a foundation for them to stand upon.  If we are angry and impatient, it will create scars but also  deform them in the ability to move beyond fussing to become healthy adults who can bring grace to relationships.

Eventually young children grow up and will see through hypocrisy. We don’t have to be perfect–but we have to be humble and ask for forgiveness. We must seek to have integrity. Trying to tell our children they have to obey us and lording it over them in harshness will only suffice for a short few years. They will mature and see through the words to the heart and actions and will not follow inconsistencies. I do think parenting is the way God humbles and trains us in righteousness because it requires our best in order to be the best parents we can be.

I have had friends over the years who know a lot of scripture and read a lot of books and put forth a righteous front, but who are critical behind people’s backs or talk in judgment about people and in pious self-righteousness, convinced that they are justified, feel no conviction for their sin.

However,Jesus, while being reviled, did not revile in return, but kept trusting himself to God.Wherever Jesus is there is peace,  gentleness, humility and grace–except for the Pharisees and religious people or the exceedingly, intentionally wicked.

Though as  moms, we tend to be so irritated at the quarreling and immature fussing of our children, it is no more attractive in adults. If we don’t address the general selfishness of all of our culture, then we will not be able to address the issues in our own home. So, I have been convicted over the years, that the first place of creating a peaceful environment in my home must start with me. I am responsible to God to seek to love and serve others because of His love for me.

I will continue writing about this next week as the Lord has taught me so much as I have pondered it all, but now I am off to celebrate our Family Day this weekend–our once a year holiday to celebrate and discuss the faithful hand of God in our lives. Since my two boys are both moving away from home in the next two weeks, we wanted to have one last family day together before we all parted to the four winds.

I am looking forward to speaking in Montreal August 22-23 and preparing to see many of you soon. Then I will be in New York City for 8 days with Clay to help Nathan settle in and to celebrate our 28th anniversary! Have a great weekend!

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Comments

  1. says

    So, so true Sally. Thank you for this and reminding me that it all does start with me and my choices and truly abiding in Him. And I am praying for you as you release your boys into the world…
    Love,
    Carrie

  2. says

    Thanks for the wise reminders. Hope you enjoy your trip and all the traveling and settling in goes smoothly.
    Have a Happy Anniversary!! We just celebrated our 6th yesterday. :)

  3. says

    How true, I am so often reminded of the need to die to self in order to inspire my children to do the same. So many of the daily discipline issues in my home stem from a need in my heart to be refined. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I cannot tell you enough how blessed I am by your books, newsletters, posts. Your desire to point your children to a relationship with God without being held by some of the current formulas of the day, deeply inspires me. Thank you.
    Jacqueline

  4. says

    Hi Sally!! I’m so excited to have found your blog!! You have been my inspiration since I began homeschooling 4 years ago and a sweet friend gave me some of your books to help/encourage and they became tattered and worn very quickly!!! I love your heart for Jesus and homeschooling and anytime I EVER feel discouraged and wonder if I’ve truly chosen the right thing…I need only to pick up one of your books and read a quick excerpt to remind me of this special calling/gift called homeschooling!! Much love to you!
    Tiffani Long

  5. says

    As always, your words penetrate deep into my heart! Words I need to hear as I seek to teach my little ones how to be patient and kind to one another and to others…the reminder that I need to be that too!

  6. says

    Wow, Sally, this really spoke to me! I have a 5 yr. old and a 3 yr. old and am constantly dealing with *fussing*–which drives me crazy:) Lately I have been more aware of my own actions though in regards to how I can snap at them and speak sharply. Sometimes I can hear that tone mirrored back to me in them and its so convicting! I so want to become a better example to them. I’m looking forward to reading more on this from you soon.

  7. Jess says

    I love your comment on that it is natural to be selfish, impatient, etc, but it is supernatural to be kind, patient, and sweet in the face of irritating issues. It has put so much into perspective and has helped me to rely more on the Holy Spirit for my day to day challenges.
    Thank you!
    Enjoy the day!
    Jess

  8. Melanie says

    I have often wondered what your thoughts would be on this subject…and other things relating to very young children. You have such wisdom and your words always inspire me. I will have to come back and read these thoughts again to better absorb them. Thank you for sharing.

  9. Brandee says

    Sally,
    I love to read and be reminded of areas of the heart that need to be addressed daily. I love that you speak God’s truth in all you say and that you are a true light and encouragement to all mothers. Thank you for your provoking thoughts and insight!

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