“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
This week, I have heard from lots of sweet, broken-hearted moms. So many of you carry loads that are so soul-bending. Yet, I want you to know you are not invisible. Many times, as I look back on my life, I wonder how I made it. At times, huddling in the dark of our bedroom, with no lights on so that no one could see me, I would cry broken-hearted tears, and pour out my grief to the Lord.
At times, I felt helpless and hopeless, but because I loved my children, I would, by faith, put one more foot in front of the other and live the day as well as I could. So much of my despair came from having no support systems, and no one to give me a break.
Psalm 139 tells us that even darkness is not dark to God. As I look back now, His hand was at work behind the scenes. The dark place built depth and beauty in the souls of my children and in me. And at each juncture, God taught me something about the world, people, life and that He would guide me through the obstacle course of life, even when I was not aware of His carrying me.
I was living a life of ideals that most of my old friends didn’t believe in and few understood, so often loneliness and lack of support were my companions.
Because of no training and having been raised to be spoiled, housework was a constant battle, and often I doubted what I was doing, or if I was doing anything right at all. Was I ruining these children? Couldn’t some one do better job at raising my children? I didn’t always feel like mothering, but I would put one foot in front of another. And obedience to do the right thing, ended up in them feeling secure, even though my feelings sometimes swayed.
So many times I really didn’t think I was going to make it.
But then I would read my Bible one more time. I would give my life and the decisions to God and beg for help and hoped that it mattered.
God did scatter some hope along my pathways that some times I did not see until looking back. But, He also knew He had a bigger arena for me, one in which I would minister to people from many backgrounds, struggles and stories, and so He used every struggle to help me become more humble. Every juncture or challenge in the road gave me compassion for others who struggled. Each obstacle conquered strengthened my wisdom and understanding so that I could be more ready and mature for the bigger, more challenging tests.
But now, through the process, God very slowly and gently used so many moments of heart break to loosen my grip on the things I thought I needed to satisfy myself–one at a time. And in the end, when my hands were empty of my personal expectations, He started giving me a hunger for heaven, for eternal things, for deeper relationships. Through the heartbreak, God gave me an appetite for my real home where I will live with Him for eternity, where my loved ones and I will experience peace in all of our relationships and all stress and sadness will be gone.
Heartbreak in this world is a proper assessment of being in a world that is dead to God and His ways. But, He, the servant of us all, is collecting every tear in a bottle to remember it, standing close to us in His mercy, and every ready to welcome us into His comfort as we understand the fellowship of His deep understanding of how we suffer.
He indeed turned my mourning to joy and has blessed me more than I could have imagined because He who began a good work, was faithful to complete it in the lives of my sweet children. And now in the midst if difficult days, they are my comfort and joy. I raised my own support systems.
Remember, precious one, your labor is not in vain. Your deep hurts are noticed by him, the one who cried when Lazarus died, and His sympathy will be always there because he is a Father who have compassion on His children. May you know that today, you are not alone. He sees you and He cares for you, deeply and always.