I remember when I first took Sarah into my arms. I was literally shocked at how much love I felt for her. I kissed her over and over and wept and held her and sang to her and stroked her at every moment. I was not prepared for my heart to be filled with so much wonder, such depth of emotion. Maybe it was because I was in my 30′s and had wanted to get married for so long, and now found myself starting a family, which was a miracle to me. A baby from my own body created a life in the love channels of my heart that is beyond explanation.
When a baby is welcomed into the world and cherished and embraced and prayed over, it begins a pattern in the baby’s brain that literally communicates and establishes brain pattern expectations of life: I am loved, I feel good, it makes me happy, I belong. These very patterns cause that same baby to already have patterns of significant theological implications that will be responded to when this same child is confronted with the reality of God. He is love, He accepts me, I have a place to belong, I can feel good about responding back to God’s love, as it is already familiar to my brain.
When babies begin growing, and the issues of child discipline and training come to the fore, I have observed that many often leave that relational, heart-felt attachment and begin to behave differently toward them. I have seen that many, many moms, because they do love their babies and want to get it right, begin at a very early age responding and initiating to these very babies as though they are a challenge to be overcome, a contestant to be rulled over. And since there are so many extra-biblical books of advice (suggestions–but not necessarily taking into account the full counsel of scripture), abound in Christian circles, the moms follow the rules and expectations of the voices they are reading and hearing. We all long for an easy formula to make parenting quick, predictable, and long lasting.
I do not see that in my own relationship with God as my Father. He works slowly in my life to train, love, test, teach and to conform me to the image of Christ. It is little by little, bit by bit, one lesson at a time.
However, in all relationships, (parenting, friendship, marriage, work), people are designed by God to respond from their heart. If their hearts are attached and served by the people relating to them, and their felt needs are met, people will tend to respond to the one who shows them the most love.
Let me give you an example. I Suppose my husband came to me at home and said, “Now, Sally, we are married and I am your husband and these are my standards of what I expect in our home. I want a clean house, a homemade dinner on the table, with my preferences for food, I expect you to rule over the children so that they will behave, memorize scripture, be read to, learn to play a musical instrument well, be mannerly, have godly character and learn a good work ethic. Since we are also a Christian home, I expect you to read a chapter of the Old Testament every day and a chapter of the New Testament and I want the kids to have 3 books of the Bible memorized by the time they are 10. I will be checking with you every day to correct anything you have done that is not up to my standards and I expect you to live up to these goals because you are my wife. We are a Christian family and if we keep all of these ideals, our children will turn out to be moral, spiritual, hard working adults, agreed?
What if, then, every day when my husband would come to me, he would say, I noticed that someone left a sock on the den floor and you have not succeeded yet in training our children well. And I also did not appreciate that fast food dinner last night–it had 1000 grams of saturated fat and was filled with chemical additives and I think you are becoming a little bit lazy for not making me a homemade meal, and I noticed that two of the kids misspelled a word on their thank you notes to the grandparents,and and and……………..and you need to work harder, get up earlier, make a better schedule, as we are falling behind on our goals. And so goals given to me as a list by a husband who dictated what my behavior should be, without consideration of a relationship, would produce death, not life in my relationship to him.
This kind of a relationship would demoralize me very quickly and defeat me and cause me to begin building up anger because the standards would be so far beyond what I could attain with me being a limited, sinful selfish human being and my children also being immature, and unable to keep up with these high standards. These standards would also become horrible to me–put me in an emotional prison and take away the joy from my life or from holding ideals at all.
All of these ideals are good as goals–they are filled with sound wisdom and can provide life and instruction, but these laws would kill my soul if they were not given through a relationship of mutual love and respect.
However, imagine if my husband invited me out to my favorite restaurant for dinner. When I got there, if he had a vase with a beautiful rose on the table, a tiny gift wrapped up with ribbon, a tiny ipod with a tiny speaker playing my favorite music, my heart would immediately be engaged. Now, if during the dinner we shared together, my husband communicated his love of me, his special commitment to me, his delight in me, I would have a heart ready to respond to ideals.
Then if he said, “I want you to know that I am so excited to build a family with you. I will be here to support you in all of your hard work. I will see that you don’t become exhausted. I will be your partner in this and we will build a great legacy together. We will not be able to accomplish this all at once, but I want to spend a lifetime with you building our dreams and vision. Whenever you need me, I will be there because I love you so much.”
Now, I am not writing this post to cause anyone to feel depressed because this is not their husband—there is no perfect husband and they all need grace like we do.
But, as one of my friends has said many times, “A woman will do so much for so little if a man will just learn how to woo, love and communicate appreciation.” And so of course, when I feel cherished I am much more likely to give my all, especially if I have time and relationship to grow and develop and get rest along the way.
But God is that kind of lover. He is a provider (look at nature–the garden, color, food that he crafted for our pleasure.) He gave us ideals, as we see through scripture. He saw that we were lost and falling and ultimately, He came amongst us, giving up any comfort or honor that He held in heaven, served, washed feet, fed, laughed with, lived with, encouraged his own precious disciples. Similarly, our life with God is not measured in the rules or goals or laws that he gives. But, as the author of these ideals, and bound up in His love and care for us, God uses truth to work on our hearts in a relationship as a servant, a husband for the bride of Christ, a friend of the common people with whom he broke bread.
But He comes as the servant king, the one who lays down His life, the one who is humble and meek. As a good parent, God gives us wisdom and guidance so that our lives will be healthy, strong, protected.
So God becomes our pattern for parenting. He served and loved and sacrificed and gave of Himself, so that we would long to be holy out of our gratitude and reverence and love for Him, who provided us with everything. He called His disciples to serve, to love, to give and to be holy. He did instruct them and train them, but it is no wonder they wanted to follow them to their deaths. He gave them true life, beauty, love that filled their deepest needs and longings to live a purposeful life.
And so after 3 years of intense friendship, when he said, “Greater love has no one than this, that a man lays down his life for his friend,” they had heard it, seen if modeled, felt the benefit of it, seen the integrity of it in their teacher, and so they willingly embraced this high ideal.
Consequently, it is not in getting the rules right or in defining all of the rules and theology that will make our children want to serve God. It is in laying down our life for them, serving them, listening to them, loving who God made them within the context of a call to holiness, that will secure in them a desire to love God with all of their hearts. By seeing our love, they will more easily understand and receive God’s love, as it will already be familiar to their hearts and brains.
Something I have been pondering today…..
This is so good, Sally. Just what I needed to hear for today. Thank you.
Tears here!
My husband and I have been talking about this very thing. Though the parenting books might be able to give us a formula to make our kids do exactly what we want them to do, we wonder about the cost? We have read several Christian parenting books and have found ourselves even more confused, particularly our oldest daughter feeling betrayed by the harsh methods recommended in many cases. When we respond to our three daughters with love and grace, they will move mountains for us. When we demand perfection, they wither. I’m glad we have figured this out while we still have time to communicate that love to them, but I’m also sad that it has taken 6 years of parenting in ways that didn’t feel right to our hearts!
*Cry* I so need this. I so need to remember this everyday. Every single day. Thank you Sally.
When you gave the example of “What if my husband set all these standards…” I totally saw myself in those shoes to my children. No. no no, that’s NOT what I want.
Teach me YOUR ways O Lord…
Thank you Sally. Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for this, Sally. I’m just about crying. I’m inspired to love God more because of His great care and love for me and to also love my children in such a way that they will love God more. And I’m going to thank my parents for putting those pathways of love in my brain so that when I did hear of God’s love, I understood and embraced it.
Beautiful. Thank you, Sally.
I LOVE this post! The husband analogy is perfect; I will remember it!! Blessings to you tonight, Sally!
Sarah
This is lovely.
I honestly believe that it’s our fruit that preaches to people, not what we say because we rarely have the right words but if we let our fruit show it should say everything that needs saying, the same is just as true when it comes to our children. I’ve brought my children up AP, I never preach to them but they go to Sunday School and I tell them what we believe when they ask. I let the love we feel be a guidance in how to treat them (I guess how we ended up AP) and in how they see our faith. My eldest (5) talks about our faith a lot without us ever having to preach to her, she just gets it because it’s part of our lives.
I hope that makes sense, I feel like I’ve waffled but I’m breastfeeding my newborn at 1am so not sure
What a tremendous reminder, Sally. Thank you for this. Just exactly what I needed. Bless you, sweet sister.
Thank you Sally for posting this, it is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today!! God bless you, you have been such a blessing in my life!
Very well written. I am thankful that my husband and I have a house full of kids, because we almost learned this too late!! Thankfully our oldest son has a sense of humor, a forgiving heart and he LOVES to see how we break those militant rules with his little siblings. Thank you for being a voice that mommies need to hear, Sally! God bless your words!!
Wow – that was a real eye opener when you turned it around into marriage. When the love is lost – it produces bitterness. I so want to be a loving mom. This helped me to see how to go about the training more lovingly and personally “get it” – thank you!!!
Courtney
Thank you for speaking into my just-starting-out mama heart. My little is almost 3 and I already feel like a rule-driven taskmaster, which is SO my nature, and SO NOT hers. I was just grieving today over not wanting to quench her little growing spirit. So, thank you for affirming what God is speaking to my heart as we speak.
Sally, I LOVE this…but how does one put this ideal into practice?
I agree with Jessica this is so beautiful and true of the way God trains and instructs us. And I was just wondering with my husband what it looks like with a one, two, three…year old. I guess it looks different for every child depending on their heart?
Yes! We’re in the little years in our family and I am weary from the “Don’t hit your brother” and “Please give that back” and “Use your hands/voice to love” chorus that I can barely see straight! Seems like lots of training and putting out fires but very little fruit! Such is the season, I guess.
For those who are wondering what practical application looks like, might I suggest the Gentle Discipline forum at Gentle Christian Mothers? http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/forumdisplay.php?f=420 It’s an open forum (you don’t have to be a member to be able to read), and there are many seasoned, veteran mamas there who are happy to share grace-filled approaches to parenting, especially in those early years.
Hope that helps!
Thank you so much for the great truth!!! This could not have come at a better time!!! I needed to hear this… Right now, right here where I am.
Your words spoke to my heart. Thank you!
Sally,
Thank you for allowing the Lord to use you in such powerful ways. You have spoken to many of our hearts tonight and I thank God for this message. We are just starting out with discipline and it has been tough. There are so many schools of thought. I pray every morning for my “manna” and ask God for guidance in training. The other morning, I felt like He responded, “Just love him…love him like I would.” Wow, this was so convicting, and what I needed to hear. And yet I still doubt…but God, I want him to not be so selfish and be well-behaved, where does that come in? I don’t really know what comes next, but right now we’re focusing on loving our son with the love of Christ. Thank you for your encouraging words. I try to remember what you said at a conference, “There are many good parenting resources, but let the Lord be your ultimate guide.” So important.
Hi Sally,
Did my first question go through? I am writing today about training children and would love your answer and thoughts if you get a second. Blessings today.
Amen and Amen! It is so difficult for perfectionists like me to become discouraged because ALL IS NOT RIGHT! God Himself doesn’t seek perfection, just a continual process of becoming more like Him. Wonderful and very encouraging post! Thank you!
I really enjoyed this post and I think you are exactly right.
Oh, these thoughts are just so lovely. And just what I needed to hear today. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for taking your time to encourage me to love like God.
Oh Sally, how I needed to read this today. This morning i was praying to the Lord, (before I read this post) and giving MY ideals to Him in order that He show me His. I was becoming, once again, someone who was beginning to fall into the trap of holding too tightly to other people’s ideals in “those” books and it was becoming idolatrous.
What precious words of affirmation. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Sally. A friend of mine said recently, “Love God and put your faith in Christ first, and obedience naturally follows.” It’s so true, and completely opposite from rule-based Christianity that states obedience first, love faith and hope second.
Oh my goodness! Thank you so much.
I’m printing this out to read and re-read it for times when I get overwhelmed trying to do it the ‘right’ way.
Thank you again!
Thank you for this timely word!
Thank you, Sally. What an amazing post. As I live and grow as a mother, this rings more and more true for me. I am a “recovering perfectionist” and still have so far to go! When my first was born, I thought if I just follow the right methods everything will work out. How it grieves me to think back to the harshness I used to incite obedience. I am thankful for a patient and loving God who is gracious and loving towards us, even when we fail as parents. I guess that is what mothering is all about….getting grace from Him and passing that grace on to our precious children.
Thanks, as always, for your godly wisdom!
Blessings,
Joy
Oh Sally, if only I had had this teaching 15 years ago when my first child was born. My heart aches for all the years of law and so called ‘good parenting’ that we as a family have lived under due to years and years of applying harsh parenting doctrine taught through our old church. I am heartbroken to think of all the damage done when it could all have been so different. Not that I have been overly harsh as a mother, but there could have been so much more grace in our lives. I thank God for this word, even if it is 15 years late, it’s not too late. I pray that God will help me to develop new habits of gentleness and loving responses instead of the bad habits of laying down rules and restrictions. Thank you for the freedom of this word that is like “apples of gold in settings of silver”.
Wow! Hit me like a ton of bricks….will be pondering this for awhile and being very conscious of how I interact with my family this week.
Sally, thank you for this beautiful article. I’m printing it out for future encouragement.
Great Post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sally!
Thank you very much! My son is almost 1 and so now is understanding what is okay & not okay…I want him to be a respectful & fun little man, but as he is my first child I have been unsure of exactly how to achieve that…your post is so very helpful I literally feel a new confidence! I will be asking my husband to read this post as well! THANK YOU!
this is SO good!
Sally, thanks once again for sharing your thoughts! I so appreciate your ‘mentoring’ in my life through your blog. This is quite timely. Many thanks for your ministry to moms worldwide.
This could not have been more timely as my MomHeart group met tonight in my home to pray for upcoming ministry opportunities as well as my upcoming trip. All of what you conveyed in this writing, this is why MomHeart is the ministry on my heart.
Oh, Sally,
This touched a chord with me tonight. I have been struggling with one of my children so much this last year and now especially this summer. I feel like I have gotten in a habit to be disappointed in his/her efforts or lack of effort. We have now been butting heads a lot. Oh, I hope it is not too late and I hope I have not done damage. Where do I start and how do I start to recover?
Wow! You said it so well! (= Loved the post! Thanks
Sally, I have loved so many of the things you have shared here through the years. I have to tell you, this may be one of my VERY FAVORITE posts of yours. I keep coming back to it, thinking I’ll have something more profound to say in response. Yet, THANK YOU is all I know to say. Perfectly spoken, perfectly illustrated with real life examples.
Wow, I have so many thoughts swirling in my head. I was hoping someone in all these comments would bring some of these things up, but it doesn’t seem like anyone has, so I’ll be the first.
While I agree with what Sally said, and I think grace is hugely important in all aspects of life and parenting, there are things about this post that are bothering me.
I’m confused about how to couple discipline with grace in parenting. Having read some of Sally’s books, I wouldn’t say she’s against discipline. But on that subject, this post happens to be very one sided. I think many people would read this post and think, “oh good, I don’t have to discipline my kids!” It would be very easy to think that because discipline is HARD and we don’t like to do it! We want someone to let us off the hook! But the bible says that God disciplines those he loves. Hebrews 12:10 says, “Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.”
If we don’t teach our children right from wrong, how are they going to know when they are even receiving grace? If all we ever do it give them grace, how are we obeying the many scriptures that speak about discipline, the rod, correction, etc.? If my son throws his dinner plate at his sister’s head, and all I do is say, “oh honey, that’s not loving,” and let that be the end of it, what’s to stop him from doing it again? And if there aren’t any consequences, what’s stopping her from throwing her plate at him? It quickly spirals into disaster (and not just at the dinner table)!
I liked the picture of how a wife and husband relate to each other, but don’t we relate to our kids differently that our spouses? We aren’t called to “bring them [our spouses] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Eph 6:4 That’s what we do for our children. It’s different than how we interact with our husband and wives. What about Prov 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.” If we don’t teach obedience (but only grace), how will they learn to ultimately obey God? No, God doesn’t “spank” us every time we disobey, but there ARE consequences.
I’m sure if Sally were in on this conversation, she would agree that we need to teach obedience. But I would sure love to hear her comments on how we couple both grace and obedience as I know MANY parents who are opposite of what she has seen (the harsh rule keepers). Most parents I know have no rules except to let their kids rule the roost! They have no consistent discipline, their kids get away with everything and are mostly obnoxious and not a blessing to anyone they’re around. I know if I didn’t have rules and discipline my kids, my kids would be so out of control.
Anyway, those are just some of many of the thoughts that went through my mind after reading this…
I don’t think Sally is talking about ‘grace to the extreme’ as we call it in our family (children ruling the roost) but is speaking to being in relationship with your children. When you have their hearts, they respond to your discipline because they love and trust you, not because they are afraid of the consequences. They accept discipline without the hardening of their hearts.
love it! because this is already the kind of husband that is mine…so patient, understanding, supportive, etc. I’m the one who tends toward high expectations and fussing when a sock (or pile of clothes) ends up in a space I’ve recently worked to clean! it is in silent, joyful service that we achieve so much more together, side by side whether with husband or with child, onwards by example. thank you for this post!
Love this one today. I think love is more of an answer than we realize. I also believe that we have to love them through all the bad times too, not just when they are good, not just when they behave, but always. Hopefully that way, if they do go astray, they will feel comfortable about coming back. I really loved this today. Thank you for sharing.