The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn which shines brighter and brighter until the full day. Proverbs 4:18 (Sarah, Joy, Joel and I on a Austrian path in the alps on a lovely spring day.)
Obedience–first time or eventual?
Now, the secret is out–I do believe in obedience for me, for children, for all who want to love and serve God. But, I see now that the goal for my obedience is not behavioralism–performance–doing a task that I want done this instant because of fear of punishment. I do not measure my success as a parent by whether or not my children instantly obey.
I think that the goal is to teach our children to obey quickly, but search as I may, I cannot find that as a standard in scripture. And so I may find relief in the grace I have found in scripture.
I have loved the book by Eugene Peterson, “A Long Obedience in the Same Direction.” ( Not a book about parenting, but a book on discipleship for adults) Even the title itself is about the process of discipleship–creating lives dedicated to the service and love of God by a life time of learning to make mature choices. Wisdom is little by little.
Instead, I want my children to learn to love God, to desire to serve Him out of their hearts of respect, awe, reverence, love. I look for growth, not perfection. Maturity, not instant holiness.
Now, it is in the process of having them learn to do my will, that they learn obedience. I must go against their wills to teach them to obey. But it is little by little, season by season. Personality and gender and exhaustion and wellness and life all go into the process.
Sometimes it is first time and sometimes it isn’t. But, I am trying to train their hearts to learn and to value and honor obedience.
For me, this was best done over years and years of training, correcting, modeling, loving and doing it all again the next day.
God’s Ways
The older I get, the more I reflect on Christianity from a long term perspective. It seems that God is a long-term process Father. He doesn’t do things all at once. He is rarely on my timetable. I almost always have to wait much longer than I want to to see my prayers answered. He does not make my life easy or take away the difficult things, but teaches me in the midst. I am very grateful, though, that he is not pernicious or unnecessarily harsh. He is patient, compassionate, understanding, loving through the whole process.
His focus for me as a child is that I move from immaturity towards maturity. From self-absorption to self-sacrifice. His discipline for me is daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, training my appetites of life to His ways. Teaching me to love righteousness and to be sensitive to His heart. Learning in my real paths of life how to life my life his way, with His wisdom. It has taken me a whole lifetime to learn the ways of righteousness. And so it is with our children.
God’s Fathering of me
When I was a young, single missionary in Eastern Europe, I thought I was so spiritual–and I probably was for my age. I had given my life to Christ and wanted to be “His girl”, following Him to the ends of the earth and bringing His love and grace to bear. But, because I was young and I had not failed enough or come to my own limits, I did not even know how much I needed to depend on God. I did not know how very capable I was of sin. I did not clearly see my own immaturity. I was not humble. All of these areas were not because I did not want to please God, but because I was young, inexperienced and didn’t know better.
But then when I got married and had children, I began to realize just how selfish I was and how little I had learned to work. For a while, I thought my problem was my children and marriage, and then I realized that my children were God’s gift to me, but also His way of bringing training of righteousness into my own life, by teaching me what it really meant to serve Him, to give up my rights, to be humble.
The real giving of my life to Him was every day, every minute to the constant demands of my family and Clay. Parenting was for me His pathway of teaching me to obey, to love, to serve. Family life was His training grounds to build holiness into my life.
I am so very grateful that He did not show me all of my sinful, selfish ways at once. He gently took my hand and through the process of caring for my family, little by little I became aware of my need to mature, to love more, to give grace, to be loyal, to work harder, to serve, as He had done with His disciples.
He disciplines us that we may share in his holiness. Holiness is a long term process of development in our hearts, training our wills to want to obey out of a developed love and awe of God.
Path of Life Parenting
There are so many verses that speak of this. Clay calls it, “The Path of Life” parenting model.
The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn–it shines brighter and brighter, a little at a time.
Proverbs also tells us, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. It is a process–a little here, a little there, a little again. Giving our children the appetite for obedience, wisdom, love, and holiness.
I am so grateful in my own life, that God did not overwhelm me with all of my sin and selfishness at once. I would have quit if He had treated me harshly. I wanted to please God and I wanted to be righteous, but didn’t even know that I was so very immature. My heart was right in my own eyes and was seeking to please Him, but my character and behavior lacked so much. it has taken me a life-time to understand just what it really means to be sacrificially loving, loyal in my faith, righteous and generous in my behavior. If God has treated me in such a way, shouldn’t that be the way I treat my children.
Babies
Babies are made to be totally dependent so that they can live in their mother’s arms, and be held and taken everywhere she goes to breathe in the reality of the life she herself lives in Christ.
First, they learn that they can depend on their mother to be comforted, touched, protected. They learn that when they are hungry, their mothers provide their needs, feed them, clothe them, sing to them. This loving connection is the first place babies must learn to look to their parent for their very life, but also for the cues of life.
The baby grows into a toddler, and then into a fully walking person, all gradually. And so the baby learns obedience this way as well.
Even nature itself teaches us so much about process and I find that God has hidden so many mysterious and wonderful answers within the art of His playground–creation. All seeds start small and take time to develop into a full plant. Same with trees. A small sapling in time can become a great, towering tree, but it takes years and years.
Same with baby animals. From puppy to dog. Calf to cow or bull. Chick to fully grown hen.
Sometimes I think it is because we have such small families that we micro-manage obedience and training of little children. When a mom has numerous children who are constantly in need of life, food, clothing and managing chores, and responsibilities, she is much more gradual about the training of her little babies–as she goes, as she can, as the baby lives and learns in the warp and woof of the family life.
Throughout centuries, families were large, and the “gang” all tended to lend themselves to a positive-peer pressure sort of influence on the development of the baby. I know that all of my children tended to learn things together, what the Clarkson values were, what the Clarkson manners were, what the Clarkson expectations were.
With asthmatics and ear-infected children, I had to teach my children to wait their turn. Life itself gave them ways to learn to be unselfish and to learn to serve-because I needed their help!
I have seen that my children went through normal growth patterns. None of them now suck a binky (pacifier), wear a diaper, want to sleep with me every night, etc. God has put maturity into their very dna and brain cells. It is ours to be patient with the process, to enjoy it and to learn from it.
If we just learn to patiently live with our children long enough and learn to look to God for guidance, and train them little by little, the mysterious life of God begins to work in and through their hearts and lives. Yet, we must remember that this is a natural and normal path from the beginning of time–to live into it, and not fight it, and to cultivate joy along the way.
I will be writing more about these areas soon as I have time. But just wanted to share a few thoughts that have been perking in my heart about obedience.
Ahhh, Sally, once again, you speak my heart. “I am so grateful in my own life, that God did not overwhelm me with all of my sin and selfishness at once. I would have quit if He had treated me harshly.” How many times have I said that EXACT same thing? Thanks again Sally!
This was very encouraging and a it is a good reminder.
Such beautiful truth. I think you are on to some thing with the small family micro managing obedience point. I have thought similar things myself at times.
I am in a season where I feel frustrated with one child who seems to need simple things laid out over and over (and it’s not the my middle son with Aspergers either
). Instead of seeing the process of growing into maturity, I have become frustrated by it. I am freshly convicted and encouraged that my job is not to “fix” this child but to walk along side her, showing guiding and leading her where she needs to go. Not getting upset because she hasn’t arrived yet.
“Instead, I want my children to learn to love God, to desire to serve Him out of their hearts of respect, awe, reverence, love. I look for growth, not perfection. Maturity, not instant holiness.”
I need to look and encourage growth not perfection like you said above! I do this to my own self too. I need to saturate myself in grace not “doing it right” all the time.
Thasnk for your words. I so wish I could ask you some of my questions right now. But honestly, I’ll take these words here that encourage and lift my soul toward serving and loving these littles for Him.
Sandi
I teared up more than once while reading this, as it speaks directly to my heart as I raise my three precious babies. Thank you, thank you, for your wisdom.
Words really are not enough to tell you HOW GRATEFUL I am for these posts on obedience. As a young(er) mother I felt SO MUCH GUILT from those around me for not having “first time obedience.” I never felt right in my heart about it…and you are one of the first to put into words why my heart just couldn’t go there. I can’t express to you how much freedom, relief and GRACE I find in your words. THANK YOU!!
I love what Joanne says above about a child that “hasn’t arrived yet.” As I think of that, I think of how far I am from arriving and I am far older than my children. Thank you Sally for these words of wisdom. I love coming here daily for encouragement and refocusing.
I really needed this post today. Thank you so much! Friends who parent their children in a more militaristic style were recently questioning our parenting style. Your post came at just the right time for me because I was feeling quite discouraged. Thank you.
I pray that God continues to fill you with such great wisdom and that it bubbles up and overflows so that it will continue to be poured out in your writing and speaking because mothers all over this world need to hear it. I always look forward to your encouraging posts. You are such a blessing.
Thank you.
Wow–so beautifully said. Amen! May God continue to open doors to you and Clay to get this Godly wisdom to younger parents!
Thank you Sally. Beautiful truth today. I am once again encouraged, heartened, and inspired as I get ready to start my day with my children!
Blessings to you!!
What a sweet blessing you are to my life!! The Lord introduced me to your writings at just the perfect moment and has been using you to shape me into the mommy He wants me to be! And, I am sharing your writings with every Mom I know! Thank you SO MUCH for being our Titus 2 lady!
Thank you Sally for this message. I have seen the process of demanding instant obedience and often subscribe to it with my own daughter. It causes us both so much pain. I wish to have been a fly on the wall of your house with toddlers to know what grace-filled path of obedient living looks like in every-day practice.
Thank you for reminding my heart to show the Grace and Love of my Savior to my daughter.
Thank you for sharing your heart again, Sally. This spoke to me so clearly. More than one of my five children are very difficult. i feel like giving up so often because they don’t “get it” day in and day out. The training and patience required is completely wearing me out to the point of wanting to give up and give in so often. Such good reminders to me. Blessings to you!
This is truly a blessing to me today. I am reading “Grace Based Parenting” and spending the year studying grace, and I thought of you and how you gracefully raised your children and encouraged me to do likewise. I have so far to go, and much to learn. But I comforted that , “God is a long-term process Father.”
I am so very honored by your wonderful comments. Perhaps the Lord led me into this whole arena of grace-based, long-term discipleship because I needed grace so very much. I have always intended on being godly and spiritual, but alas! I am a Peter–out there speaking and living to regret my words, walking on water and then sinking, and oh so much more. And yet, for some reason, God has not given up on me yet. for those of you who are feeling overwhelmed, keep going. Your work matters and it is making an difference! I was most often overwhelmed, but kept putting one foot in front of the other and low and behold, I made it through this journey and found the end to be rewarding.
Still walking with my children at this new season of life and it does take up so much time. But, I love who they are and love who they are becoming and they are my best friends.
I wish you all a grand and soul-filling Easter that ministers deeply to your heart of His wonderful love.
Blessings and blessings everyone and thanks for writing. I send my love to each of your homes.
“I am so grateful in my own life, that God did not overwhelm me with all of my sin and selfishness at once. I would have quit if He had treated me harshly. I wanted to please God and I wanted to be righteous, but didn’t even know that I was so very immature. My heart was right in my own eyes and was seeking to please Him, but my character and behavior lacked so much. ”
This has spoken volumes to me and almost told me that “it’s okay” if my son doesn’t behave near perfectly at 2 1/2 years old. Sometimes the expectations around me are so high that I expect near perfection as well. But what I needed to hear was that it’s okay for it to take TIME! That God is not going to be mad at me if I don’t get it all right in one day! THANK YOU! The above selection will be posted on my fridge as a daily reminder. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you!
Sally, thank you so much for this. We have gotten so caught up in wanting our children to behave and obey the first time because people are watching and expecting and waiting. I started getting so focused on the behavior with my kids, 9,6,5, and 4, that I was constantly disciplining them. It has created some very unlovely attitudes and has even created so much anger in 2 of the kids. I have felt in these past months that the joy of mothering has been sucked right out of me and I couldn’t understand why. Your posts have struck my heart and today I am thanking God for the answers
I have been praying for. Last night after reading this post, I went to my 9 year old son’s room and asked him to forgive me for expecting so much from him and for putting so much pressure on him. He gladly forgave his momma and today joy is returning to my heart. I actually enjoyed playing with all 4 kids in the sandbox today. Thank you for being the Titus 2 woman that my heart has been longing for since my mom passed away 9 yrs ago. God is good!
Oh Sally! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am a mom of five blessings ages 8-21 and my heart sang today as I read your post. This is SO the way I have longed to mother my precious children, and often have. Slipping into man’s way, having my heart not heard and turning once again to the grace that Jesus gives me. Now, I am moving into a Titus 2 relationship with some young moms and your posts are guiding my conversations with them. My heart breaks as very little children are harshly corrected for childish behavior and for not meeting expectations of others when they ‘should’. You know I have wondered for 22 years now who ‘they’ are and just what made them think they knew when the children God entrusted to me ‘should’ reach any goal.
Thank you for opening your heart to me and encouraging me with the wisdom God has built into you. May God richly bless you as you move in directions He is leading you in.
Holiness is a long term process of development in our hearts, training our wills to want to obey out of a developed love and awe of God.
thank you so much for your grace. I was actually blessed enough to be raised by grace and love. But I think I can say I wasn’t too difficult of a child to raise. I wanted to obey. And I am not saying that to brag. But I knew I was loved and I wanted people to be happy with me.
Then I had a very strong willed demanding child, and after many moments of sheer desperation, I came across the concept of first time obedience, and it led to sanity and peace, but it wasn’t the way I wanted to parent. I felt like a sergeant and I hated it. I always tried my best for my children to know I loved them with all my heart.
I love your posts because they desperately bring that balance needed. I think you hit it on the head when you said it is about ” training our wills to want to obey out of a developed love and awe of God.”.
This is what I want for my children, for them to obey because they WANT to obey, because they love God and even us. I love your focus on relationships and friendship. That this a discipleship, long journey, not about the moment. Not grading out success as parents by their outward actions, but by their inward heart.
As you can see I still have so much to learn. I just pray that my children will always know how dearly they are loved. I love your concept that obedience is a heart attitude, not an outside action. That desire to WANT to obey has to be instilled in them by the time they are teens, because then I can’t make them do anything they want to.
I have seen that in my children when I was too strict with first time obedience. They would obey on the outside, but inside they were figuring out ways to get around me. That wasn’t what I wanted. What I wanted was their hearts.
Thank you for your deep thoughts. Sorry this is so random and scrambled. God bless you.
Yes, Sally, as all have said, your words are a balm in this thing called mothering. I have read “A Long Obedience…” and “The Pursuit of Holiness” this past year and both books are about the process, long and arduous, toward being one with God. How can we expect more of our children, young as they are, than we do of ourselves? You are a blessing in the ways you voice the truth to us mothers!
I love your soft tender words that just woo me to patience. You whisper things I know but then in the hurriedness of life – I leave in the dust. Patience…I need more patience and as you said best here:
“Family life was His training grounds to build holiness into my life”
Daily I turn to God to help me be the Godly mommy I need to be – because nothing in my flesh is Godly at all…these are my training grounds and I want to embrace it – learn – grow and pass on my faith to the next generation!
Thank you for your leadership!
Courtney
I love your blog, and your books (I have two of them, and I’m keeping them for future reference, rather than passing them on as I do with most of my books after I finish reading them). However, I really have to take issue with blaming the preoccupation with instant obedience on small families. I have a small family (not by my own choice), and I don’t demand first-time obedience. And I know many large families that do (like the Duggars). I think it’s very admirable when people who (unlike me) are able to have large families respond to that calling. But that doesn’t mean that small families are necessarily to blame for parenting/discipline problems. Unfortunately, I see them get blamed for this often, and it’s really not fair.
Thanks for your comment, Claire. I miscommunicated because I was in a hurry. I don’t think smaller families are more prone to first time obedience. Most of my closest friends are parents of one or two children–just happens to be my circle of friends here. What I meant was that in the old days when most families were larger and there were grandmas and pas and cousins and lots of children and people in a family, smaller families were not isolated and alone raising their children with no one to help or give input. When you live in an isolated culture and you start out with one and even then two children, our tendency is to focus on them more as though under a microscope because they are not just part of a normal, big group of families who are connected who have lots of kids every age roaming around. Seems the pressure on us with so little support and so ill-trained (at least I was) and wanting to get it right, I felt so much pressure and put so much pressure on my kids because I wanted so much to do it right. By the time I had Joy, who was quite ill most of the time, I also had 3 other children who had lots of needs and so I didn’t even have the time or the opportunity to attend to Joy so meticulously as I did the others. Everyone just had to wait their turn because I had so many limitations, and somehow they all made it to adulthood even though I didn’t do it all right.
So, it was never in my mind to blame small families for this kind of discipline and I have never even heard of such a thing. I think all families are sacred. But if I had been around more people who had children (I was surrounded by siblings and family who were through with having children), it would have helped me relax more.
Hope you have a great Easter. Have a grand day.
Hi Sally, thanks so much for your response. What you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I definitely miss having the large extended family that used to be the norm. Happy Easter to you, too!
Again, thank you! I have, since reading your books and following on here, really been looking carefully at how I try and raise my children. Trying to show mercy and grace, as our heavenly Father shows us mercy and grace.
If I look carefully, i can tell whether disobedience is a heart/rebellious issue or a childishness issue.
Sally, I want to thank you for this post. It is just exactly what I need to hear right now as I am trying to learn to be more patient with my intense, sensitive, 3 1/2 year old Peter. We use the “o” word a lot (obedience), but oh, my, how it seems to backfire sometimes… in any case, the longer-vision of obedience is truly comforting and a balm to me. I’ve read it before in both your and Clay’s books, but never did it hit me so much in the heart. Thank you! Also, I’m still hoping to find time to write you a longer letter. Best to you!
Hi Sally,
Loved, loved, loved this. It was right up my alley. Here’s some food for thought as well…why do modern Christian parents think we need to “make” our children obey? For instance, I have witnessed children doing exactly what their parent asked them to do, that second, but only because the parent has told me the child would be punished if they didn’t. How is this obedience? Truly, it’s not. The child is acting out of survival and has no choice. Obedience under compulsion isn’t obedience, it’s just fear. God has never once done this to me. My choice to obey God’s commands are just that – a choice. There’s no lightning bolt to my backside if I disobey.
My desire to obey God is over time, because of my relationship with Him. Because I trust Him, because what He has said and done for me now, over time, makes sense and is reliable. Punishment would not make me want to please or obey God. And I don’t believe punishment makes our beautiful babies want to obey us either. But they will certainly fear us.
Hi Sally and all…
I too thank you for your wise words. Once when talking with someone about having high / Biblical standards for our children so that we don’t simply accept what is around us, she described a shift of mind she’d had when she started to see that living up to standards is not a vertical process, but a horizontal one. A process, not something to reach for and fall short of.
Your post reminded me of that idea.
Thank you for sharing with us from your own journey.