William-Adolphe Bouguereau, “Rest”
“Homeschooling parents are often criticized for being overprotective of their children, an apparently bad thing to do in the world’s way of thinking. That caricature, though, originates in a culture of passive parental neglect that is almost dysfunctionally underprotective of its children. Even though it is a pejorative term in secular parenting lingo, you should not be reluctant to bear it as a badge of honor as a caring and committed Christian parent. God wants you to be an overprotective parent! Your children, by God’s design, need an overprotector, a parent who will stand over them to protect them–to guard their innocence and purity, to prevent spiritual wounds and sinful footholds, and teach discernment and sensitivity to sin. In God’s design for families, overprotecting your children is a good thing.
Still, the enemy is very good at infiltrating even good Christian homes with corrupting influences … With technologies such as cable and satellite TV, computers and the Internet, a constant river of information, images, and ideas can flow freely into your home, much of it good, but too much of it ungodly and corrupt. You can control that flow, but when your children interact in the community with other children, those children all too often are deeply influenced, informed and indoctrinated by the same river–often without controls on its flow of the worst that culture has to offer–and they will offer it freely to your children. The only thing that is standing between those and other influences, and your child’s heart and mind, is a committed overprotector–you! If you don’t have a heart that beats strongly with a passion to protect your children against unhealthy appetites, unwise relationships, and ungodly secular media, you can be certain that the enemy stands ready to take full advantage of any holes in your commitment and to exploit your children’s innocence, vulnerability, and receptiveness. Diligence is the price you pay for staying safe on the path.”
~ Clay Clarkson, Educating the Wholehearted Child
Have you ever been accused of being “overprotective?” I often wonder what exactly people would prefer us to do; to “under-protect,” perhaps? And of course, whatever is less than what they personally do would be underprotective and whatever goes beyond what they’re comfortable with would be overprotective.
Ultimately, it is important to remember that our children are just that–children. They are in need of protection, which is why God gave them to parents who are charged to guard and protect them until such time as they can stand on their own. Even then, we are to speak words of life and wisdom to them, encouraging them to follow God’s precepts and listen for His voice of direction.
I’m grateful for my own Shepherd, who watches over and protects me, guiding me with His staff, leading me beside still waters and making me lie down in green pastures. How wonderful that He has given me this image and example to follow as I care for and nurture my own children. And if that’s being overprotective … I’ll take it!
Love the words, the message and home educating my children! XO
Good point! I think some say you are overprotecting because of the remorse or guilt they feel about their OWN children.
God help me to take this awesome job as a mother SERIOUSLY and be PURPOSEFUL & INTENTIONAL!
Totally agree, Amy!
Oh Sally, this post makes my heart beat fast and my head swim with passion for what you are raising a standard for — DON’T EVER STOP holding that before us. I’m so thankful for your commitment and love. Thank you, my friend.
Thank you so much for this post. I can’t tell you how many times I have been called this by my own family. Your words ring such truth that is deep within us all who are trying to raise godly children in a godless world.
I just love this! I am definitely ‘overprotective’ and completely and totally unapologetic about it! My husband and I were discussing this just the other day. We had read a terrible news story about a church leader who was involved a abuse of children and re-iterated that I have NO problem with people thinking that we are ‘sheltering’ or ‘over-protecting’ our sweet children. My mother ‘over-protected’ me (to the best of her ability as a single, working mother!) and as an adult I am very grateful. VERY grateful!
“Overprotective”.
As a former overprotected child and a current parent of four, I’m not buying.
(I stumbled upon your blog this morning. Forgive me if my words are inappropriate for your blog.)
The Psalm 23 Shepherd carries a rod and staff. There is a reason for the rod and staff, and overprotection is not the reason. Matthew 18: “If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away…” Luke 2: even Jesus’ parents would have been labeled ‘under protective’. As I search the Scriptures I’m not finding the Biblical mandate to be overprotective.
“The only thing that is standing between those and other influences, and your child’s heart and mind, is a committed overprotector–you!” I must 100% respectfully disagree with this statement. I’ve seen parents with this perspective and they tend to lean toward anxiety and neurosis and away from peace. There can be bondage in overprotection, both for the parent and child(ren). A parent partners with the God of the Universe asking for HIS help to protect the heart and mind of the children. Yes, we as parents must do our part, but it is a partnership. Consider Ephesians 6, our struggle is a spiritual one and this war cannot be waged in the physical. The protection of our young ones is a spiritual struggle and we CANNOT be to the ‘only thing’ standing between our kids and bad influences.
I grew up with an overprotective parent and it was unhealthy. Christian counseling and spiritual/emotional healing are bringing me health and life.
Those are my thoughts.
Not sure where you are coming from. It is difficult in one article to define all that we need to about protecting your children. My children left our home to move to New York City (New York Film Academy); Oxford and Cambridge; Boston (Berklee school of music) and Hollywood to be in acting.
What we are talking about here is the opportunity for very young children to have the freedom to build foundations and roots in what is good–to protect innocence, not to burden children with the evils and wickedness of the day. We are not talking about dancing, playing cards, only watching Winnie the pooh your whole life or having fun and feeling guilty–these things smack of legalism and fear. We were very free to enjoy life and to be engaged in people’s life in our home–but we gave our children a love for excellence and purity and goodness before we sent them out to be warriors against the evils in our world. Foundations must be built before the storms of life can be born well. I pray grace will be found in the midst of these discussions.
We took our children with us in ministry opportunities with non-believers and interacted with our neighbors as a family.
Taking care of children can be seen in two different ways: preventing as much damage as possible, or just rushing in with the bandages after a hurt has occurred. As a nurse I see preventative medicine, action, and caring as the best way because medicine cannot always “cure” what ails us. Protecting children and giving them a bubble to live inside of and under is what they deserve! Raising up a child in the way he/she should go is what God intended, yet many families have to explain away what a child sees and comes to understand “after the fact.”
Allowing the child to flounder in the world is like pounding nails into a fencepost. You can pull the nails back out (explain away the world after the fact), but the holes are still there.
I will remain,
Over-protective step-grandmother!
Thank you Sally. I want to print the picture at the top of the blog post and put it on my refrigerator! We are temporarily living in an apartment area that is what I would call “not safe”. My three boys are getting older and before moving here I allowed them freedom to play outside our home with kids in our neighborhood while I was inside watching from the windows. This new place is filled with dear children who come from broken homes. Mostly boys. Within a few weeks of being here my own precious boys were punched, kicked, and slapped in the face on my than one occasion. I felt at a loss. I spoke to these new boys personally. I also spoke to their mamas. The violence didn’t stop. In my heart I knew the world would offer, “It’s about time they experienced the real world. It will toughen them up.” No thank you. I put an end to their outside play without me sitting in the grass keeping an eye over them. My middle guy said, “We are a cursed family because we can’t go outside and play anytime we want.” I said, “Oh no. You are blessed. God has given you a mommy & daddy to protect you.”
We did learn some valuable lessons in forgiveness and loving your enemy. Sally & Clay, thank you for encouraging us to rise up and fulfill the call of the Lord to guide our children with our time, love, and commitment to their well being in all areas.
We learn a lot from the story of the Prodigal son, not because of the Son but because of the Father. Are we trying to raise only “the best son” or be the parents that show grace and our welcoming of the “prodigal”. Teaching and instructing your children is biblical and expected, a reliance on God is just as important. The shepherd tends his flock, but the shepherd is not always visibly present, he leaves to tend to the fields and bring food for the sheep, preparing new pastures for them. In those times the wolves circle, and sheep may be lost, the sheep learn to listen to the instruction of the shepherd and have faith that they he will rescue them in the times that they don’t. He is not an overprotector, he just protects. I was overprotected as a child, my Mother readily admits it these days, she did what she thought was best, like most Mothers. I love that she loved me so much to do so, but there have been so many struggles of heart that God and I have had to deal with as the result, all of my siblings are the same, the seed of bitterness grew there because we did not see a reliance on God. What is the goal of over protecting, to raise children to be “good for goodness’ sake”, these children are only saved through faith, not through obedience and goodness, how can I teach Faith if I rely only on the work of my hand as a Parent. There is a distinction and what is too much? We protect our children from harm and danger(that isn’t overprotection, we musn’t think it is) but we also teach them that I will not always be here to protect you from these dangers you must learn to listen to my instruction and rely on God, but it is their journey in Faith to do so. I may be wrong, and that is ok, I learn as I grow as a parent, I will protect my daughter how I see fit. I have seen the pain and heartache overprotection can cause, that is not the example of the Father I see in the Bible.
While I agree with the point you are trying to make, parents ought to be properly protective, not overprotective. Many people under protect their children, and Christians should not react to that by going to the other extreme. (Overprotection results in not allowing children to mature into indepedent capable adults, not God’s intention). As a child raised by excessively protective parents, I can tell you that it’s wounding to a child to be either over or under protected. Our goal should be proper protection.
I completely agree with Hope.
Thank you for always encouraging us to build strong foundations in our children!
I know many get tired of hearing about parenting being like gardening. As our children grow older it is important to allow them to experience life while under the protection of home. Much as a gardener in a greenhouse sets the plants out for a few hours a day to “harden” them to the elements and then brings them back in or covers them to protect from frost (bad relationships, unhealthy spiritual persons in their life, etc.) Protection to some degree is highly necessary, but allowing our children life experiences while still at home is an ever growing importance as they hit their teen years. This gives the opportunity to help them process situations while still at home. Great words in this blog.
I’m sad to see the negative reactions to this post that was SO encouraging to me. I feel that if people are feeling damaged by being “overprotected” as children then their experience simply cannot be what this post is referring to. This post speaks to me of relying on the Lord and listening to His call on your life as parents to be the primary influence during the tender years of childhood. That calling has been undeniable to me and my husband and we feel we are walking in obedience to the Lord in being diligent guards of what our kids consume. A few have shared of their struggle with overprotection but I come from a different place. I don’t consider that I was “under-protected” but rather I was raised like the norm of society today. The result of that has been something for me to overcome. ( And I’m just talking predominatly about the influence of movies and TV shows 20 years ago. Forget the SCARY access kids have now to internet and texting, etc.) We HAVE to stand guard until these kids are equipped spiritually to handle the mess this world has to offer. When I read of your children, Sally, and how you have released them fully into the world I am encouraged by how you did it. Knowing full well that they are equipped and reliant on the One who will sustain them.
Thank you SO MUCH for the voice you are to so many like me.
I agree with Amanda! Thank you for your encouragement and example.
Great post Sally and so true.
I have two grandchildren. They are very over protected. They have the opportunity to learn about God their Father. The have the freedom to bring the Bible to class. They can travel to different states to learn history without missing school. They don’t run the streets, They run for exercise. They are surrounded by only loving words and a possitive mind set. They don’t have to be exposed to the worlds ways , but will be able to handle the world when they leave. This all through letting the Holy Spirit lead and guide them and their family.
I love this post Sally, I believe we do have a biblical mandate to be vigilant about what goes into our childrens lives, hearts and minds because we know what goes in habitually will come out in their lives. I think there is a difference between parents not letting go at appropriate times through fear of the world, (which is also unhealthy) and age appropriate boundaries. I think one of the real downfalls of our culture is that we’ve reset the standard of what’s age appropriate, what would have once been deemed acceptable to teenagers is now being marketed to pre-teens and so on…our children need to be allowed to be children and not be exposed to inappropriate, ungodly influences before they have the maturity, knowledge and confidence to filter it out…. I also really love the point you made Sally that if we differ to another family we are automatically under or overprotective by their standards, the truth is we can’t win if we are living for other peoples expectations! Praise God we can rely on Him to set the standard and guide us as we shepherd our own children through the minefield.
As always you encourage and inspire me in my parenting journey – thank you!
Thank you thank you for this! I am the product of a protective-homeschool family and now mother to two beautiful children. My in-laws who are employed in the secular school district have often commented about the over-protection and separation from “the real world” stereotype of homeschoolers. This post was deeply encouraging to me as I battle to give my children a firm foundation in Christ to PREPARE them for the real world I know they will encounter sooner than I would like. I just don’t understand how throwing them into the world and hoping they ask you questions about it while you “cover them with prayer” is a wise model of parenting.
I love this sentence: “That caricature, though, originates in a culture of passive parental neglect that is almost dysfunctionally under-protective of its children.” Of course, we must remember where this thought of over-protection originates: from an under-protective perspective! Even if it is from our well-meaning, not so secular friends.
It has been interesting to me because my husband & I have become, unknowingly, some of the most protective among our friends. I would have never guessed it. And so, I have been pondering this idea. I think one of the concerns of over-protecting is that the children will not be able to stand on their own when the parental protection is removed. And so, I have thought of the purpose of the protection is to help them develop roots so that when the protection is removed they will flourish. Sometimes in the rush to protect, it is easy to forget to teach them to think and to discern on their own; yet, our job is not merely try to keep them out of the world and its influences but to shelter them from its influence for a season, the season of childhood when they can grow what is needed: roots. One of the jobs of parenting is to shelter the tree saplings when they are so easy to uproot, easier than the weeds in the garden. And also to give them what is needed: beauty, life, and truth. Then, when the roots have gone down firm and deep they can grow and become mature trees that no mere weeding can hack out. Shelter and roots. Though in this post you are speaking mostly of sheltering, so much of your ministry also speaks to the growing of roots in your children and how they have been able to flourish on their own.
Thank you for sharing your ideals before us, and how your children are your most precious best friends and they are the best book you have ever written!! Thanks!
What you describe in your post is not over protection. Standing over them protecting them, does not mean overprotecting, which means To protect too much; coddle. Over protected children are not children that flourish. I saw in your comment above to one of your commenters of all the fun things your family when they were young. That is not overprotection in my opinion, your children were able to experience the world and learn from it. I was over protected, I was never allowed to be with friends outside of my home, I was not allowed to experience anything outside of the home, there was no freedom, I did no extra curricular activities, I dint go to friends parties, I missed all the fun functions at my school, and I was always grounded for not wanting to submit to the iron fist. I went my whole childhood over protected and stagnant in a faith that could have flourished. I did not know what God’s grace and mercy looks like, I didn’t know what Faith looked like truly. My mother almost lost me and my sister, (my sister had it much worse than I did) we were at the point of never speaking to her again, and she is a believer that loves God, but the Mother we needed was not the overly religious and overly protective one, but of course God heals. My parents overprotected out of fear. I was not allowed to flourish and was very rebellious because of it. Someone above said there is a distinction between over and just protection, I would love to hear you distinguish between the two. I have read other things that you have written and thoroughly enjoyed, I just find this hard to stomach because the proper protection of a shepherd wouldn’t cause the damage that happened in my life and to my family. I think a lot of the women that are commenting too aren’t referring to overprotection in the way that it is truly defined, but if they are please listen to me when I say you are jeopardizing your relationship with your children, I have had to receive year and years of counseling to forgive and show grace in turn to my Parents, your children may not want to go through with that. Over protection and under protection are two extremes, proper protection like what you have described in your comments but did not call it that and what is shown in the Bible can be a very rewarding path for parents. Your words were true, and I agree with most of it except the word overprotection, flying the flag of overprotection will have a lot of people stumbling along the way and giving license to mothers and fathers to overprotect children to the point of spiritual harm.
Sally, i followed my heart and have been “overprotective” of my boys for the last 15 years; sometimes i’ve even felt pushed to hide my close friendship with them and my celebration of them (the way you celebrated Joy!). But guess what – I’m finding that now as young adults they are already showing the community, school, neighbours and friends what confident, compassionate, cheerful and helpful future men they are becoming! So I think, the results speak for themselves and I am more at peace than ever about my convictions as a mom! Thank you so much Sally!
My husband and I have often been criticized for being too protective. The brilliant thing? We have amazing children! The people criticizing usually have no children or issues with their own! Thank you for a great validation!
Sally – having read and reread a lot of your books & blog posts I just wanted to say that I understand what you are saying in this post. You aren’t talking about a cloistering – controlling -restrictive life for a child, you are talking about one that is centered on God’s Word. Our Lord Jesus’ life is full of freedom, love, and life more abundantly!!!
Just wanted to encourage you.
Loved your post dear friend. My parents were very protective over me and I am grateful for their love and concern. i left college after graduation and moved to Huntington Beach, CA. Because of the foundation they provided, I was fine on my own and actually grew spirtually, mentally and emotionally. They gave me freedom in Christ not freedom in the world. I am following their same principal with my children and love it. Keep up the encouragement as we need it! Hugs and more hugs!