Michelangelo–God at creation
Starting with the right foundations
If there was one legacy I wish I could leave to other women, it would be to help them think more Biblically. When a woman knows scripture–the whole counsel of scripture, not just verses here and there taken out of context. But gaining a Biblical understanding from Genesis to Revelation, then she has more confidence and ease in her walk with God. (It is also why I hope to give a good bit of my life in the next years to our leadership intensives where women will learn a little of Biblical instruction, foundations, prayer, Bible study–to follow God in our lives as we serve and love Him. More on that later this month.)
God makes it clear throughout scripture that his priority for us is to know Him and love Him with our whole heart and mind.
“Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, let not a rich man boast of his riches, let not a mighty man boast of his might, but let him who boasts, boast of this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the God who exercises lovingkindness and righteousness on the earth for I delight in these things.” Jeremiah 9: 23-24
And, “Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it.” Psalm 127
And so the starting point for any arena in our lives must be God–our worship of Him and knowledge of Him and obedience–a heart that wants to please God.
So, let me begin by praying for all who read this today. “Lord, I pray that each one who reads these blog articles will be led by you. I pray you will provide them with insight, skill, love, wisdom and the understanding of what it means to be filled with your Spirit and to walk by faith in this journey of motherhood. And bless them with strength, joy and a sense of affirmation in their great calling as parents. I come to you in the precious name of Jesus. Amen”
I do not pretend to have all of the answers to all of the questions that people may have. I feel even reticent to become any kind of an authority, and pray only that I may shed a little insight on what I have learned through the years, by walking this journey with God. I also do not want to place any unnecessary burden upon moms who are doing their best, seeking to find wisdom and can feel like failures, as though “It is too late. I have already messed up my children.”
God is the God of second chances and His whole nature is to love and redeem. So, know that He is in your home, He loves those who seek Him and obey Him and He is a God of compassion and will work in and through your life.
(Even as a Father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. Psalm 103: 13)
And, of course, I am not anxious to attract lots of comments from women who want to tell me why I am wrong or why I do not understand scripture.
But, in the spirit of Titus 2, and my own stewardship of what God has graciously taught me over the years, I write these articles with much trepidation and dependence on Him. But I do think that God would have all of us women, in the spirit of Titus 2, pass on truths that we have learned so that other women may have more direction and help in the shaping of their families and the loving of their husbands. I longed for a mentor when I was young and so hope, so for the sake of encouragement and to please Him, I hope I might shed some light on this path of parenting.
It all starts with your view of God
Ultimately, so much of what I lived and what I know to be true, I learned by reading scripture, pondering it, studying it, seeking to really know God and walking with Him. Pondering Christ, who is the perfect reflection of God, according to Hebrews 1.
As many of you know, I have often said, “In the absence of Biblical conviction, people will go the way of culture.”
Women will go the way of their church culture, media culture, family culture, peer culture–they will follow whoever is leading, unless they have developed their own convictions. We will listen to other voices if we have not learned to discern the voice of God. The problem with this kind of approach is that it leads to whims, to whatever way the cultural wind is blowing.
And so, when it comes to child training, if people have not had the opportunity to think Biblically or to study the word of God, and about what God is like, they will look to others for “truth.” Most people desire specifics–just give me the rule, the formula, the law, as we want this process to be easy and predictable.
Please know that I am not trying to offend anyone. I want to be of encouragement and help. Yet, I have noticed, too, that sometimes, those who are most emphatic and confident about formulas and rules and laws about child training are those who have young children, who have not lived a whole life-time of raising children to maturity. It was interesting to me how many comments I had from older women (under my article first time obedience, really) who said that they wish they had known the ways of grace based parenting because of the negative effects it had on their children and how much it incurred anger and rebellion in their children.
Then often times, good hearted parents, will just take the opinion of a writer or speaker or authority, who says some emphatic things about a subject and uses a few proof texts to add support. What this speaker says, becomes law and rules and a formula to follow. Period.
And then, sweet, devoted women live by the rules and feel guilty if they do not follow the rules to a t, as though they are failing their children if they do not conform to the sound bites and laws of the speaker they are following–the speaker’s voice is in their head.
However, in the Christian life, even in parenting, God gave us a brain to think, a conscience to nudge our hearts, the Holy Spirit who lives inside of us to guide us. All He asks is that we live by faith in him dependence on Him. And yes, I think through this process, God has given a mom intuition and a mom’s instinct for what is best for her child. God always loves to lead us and work through us by faith in relationship to Him and what He is impressing us to do, within the beautiful design of our femininity and womanhood. That is why it is crucial that we are spending time in His presence and seeking to build a foundation of conviction on scripture and knowledge of God.
And so begins a series of articles addressing some of the issues about child discipline that many have asked me to write.
Your parenting philosophy all begins with your view of God.
I know I will frustrate many of you by taking so long to explain the foundations of our philosophy, as you would rather me tell you the specifics of how I did it and why, by God’s grace, I was able to raise 4 children who are obedient and respectful to us and who love God and are seeking to serve Him in and through their lives. But, my own parenting of my four very different children was a process of seeking wisdom, studying scripture, listening to God, following other wise people. It was a process of relationship and love with Him, not following the formulas that it seemed most of my peers were following. We went against the grain of the culture we were surrounded by, and yet found the wonderful presence of God in our home as we sought Him.
But, I feel that one of the most foundational starting points, is that all of us see our children through a grid. A grid is the lens through wich you see life. And if we can define that grid, then it will determine how we behave in relationship to our children.
Do you see your children through a grid of them being a blessing from God? (psalm 127)
Do you see the fruit of the womb as a reward? (psalm 127)
How does one treat blessings and gifts?
We read in Mark 10: 16 that Jesus took the little children into His arms and blessed them. Do you bless your children and see that as a part of being Jesus to them? He said of little children, “of such is the kingdom of God.”
Jesus also said, “Woe to the one who causes the leasts of these little ones to stumble.” What would cause a little one to stumble?
So today, I leave you with this question?
How do you see your children? What informs your mind when you look upon their sweet faces? Do you see them through the eyes of Jesus? Do you focus on them as someone to police or correct–or someone to love and serve, understand, protect, love and instruct?
As in all great work, it requires so very much time, effort, work, fortitude, faith and patience. But raising Godly children is of the most important work in eternity.
I am so excited about this series … thank you … looking very forward to it. I pray I can keep these questions at the forefront of my mind to help transform the way I see my children … b/c sadly, I often forget to see them through the eyes of Jesus. I often see them as merely “work” and not as lives to be molded, moment by moment, for Him. Can’t wait to read more!
Thank you, Sally, for these very helpful, true words. It is so tempting to try to take “shortcuts” by relying on the hard work of others as our authority. Thank you for gently reminding us that we all need to do the hard work of mining God’s truths and spending time in prayer. You are a blessing to so many and I thank God for your example.
Dearest Sally,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I have had a trying week going through link after link trying to get a fresh approach to doing homeschool differently with my children. I have gone from a curricular approach nine years ago to understanding that a more relaxed approach works better for us. I am so glad He brings us aroung to His plan when we finally give up our way and trust Him, & really obey the scripture you quoted ” unless the Lord build this house…” . I can see how showing more grace & trusting the Lord in this decision to homeschool is the only way peace comes. I get overwhelmed with so many choices and so many people saying this is the “right way” that I know unless I am on my face before a Holy God I labor in vain. They are His children. I have to pound this into my head. He can lead me beside still waters. They are a blessing and He has a plan for their lives that is far above my human comprehension. Utimately the curriculum is not the issue but the heart is, He keeps reminding me of this ( the very reason we went down this homeschooling path). I have read many of your books and been blessed. Thank you so much for mentoring those coming up in this mission of motherhood. It is an awesome responsibility. Without His grace we cannot endeavor to succeed.
Humbled by an everloving & leading Savior,
Jocelyn
From the time my oldest (now 6) was a tiny baby, I have said these words (now to both daughters) as I tuck them into bed every night: “You are a treasure and a blessing and a gift from God. Daddy and I love you very, very much.” It is like our own little evening liturgy, a habit that brings as much joy to me as to them. They truly, truly are treasures to me.
Through parenting them, I have learned more about the heart of my Father than I ever thought possible. Through parenting them, I have finally come to see God not as punitive and waiting to punish me for my many failures, but as a God full of grace, a Father full of second chances, who is ready to whisper in my ear, “try again.”
I am brought to my knees when I consider the way He parents me because I mess up SO BIG, SO OFTEN. But looking into the faces of my precious daughters and knowing that as much as I love them, my Heavenly Father loves them (and me!) more . . . it’s just . . . may we never lose the wonder of that.
Again, Sally, thank you.
Sally,
This article reminds me of why I love and recommend, “Educating the Whole-Hearted Child”. I can be such a task-master sometimes, and it’s hard when I feel like I have so little time to really “get stuff done” not to be kind of a “driver.” Maybe that’s not a part of me that anyone else would necessarily identify, but it’s what I see, and what I feel the Lord is working on.
There is no substitute for time with the Lord in finding wisdom and instruction in the areas of mothering and parenting. Thank you for this and the other articles to follow on such a timely topic. It’s spring break at our house, and I look forward to getting out “Educating the Whole-Hearted Child” and refreshing myself not only in homeschooling but in loving and mothering in a more God-lead fashion.
Christ’s blessings as you forge ahead with the high calling on your life! We appreciate you so.
Thank you.
Sally,
As someone who has longed for a Titus 2 mentor in my life for many years, I am so thankful for your posts and encouragement. It has been a difficult journey to want something that so few women are inclined to give and yet know how to prepare myself to be something I am not seeing modeled before me. There is such a hunger in the younger women for this that even though my oldest is only 10 years old, I am often pursued to be that person for them. I think it is because I am willing and they see I am 10 years beyond where they are just starting out, but my children are not fully grown and this bothers me. It is a humbling place to be and I am thankful for your encouragement and guidance in the process. Especially, always leading us back to The Word.
As always, Sally, you are a breath of fresh air, an encouragement to my soul. Thank you for encouraging me in my walk with the Lord, in my role as a mother. Thank you for speaking the truth about mothering – it is all about relationship, first to Christ, then to our children.
My oldest (of three) is 6 as well and we walked a path of sorrow and praise with her this winter…. some Godly sorrow as her tender heart broke before Jesus as she realized the gravity of her sin. But some worldly sorrow that did not reflect a Biblical comprehension of the Lord, grace, forgivenes, etc. In fact, she was adopting a work-based thinking that I had struggled against in the faith community we were in at the time and I grieved that she had convinced herself that Jesus just wanted her to “do more” to be “more forgiven.” We thus memorized Scripture that spoke of the gift of salvation that cannot be earned, etc. I know she’s 6, but my spirit ached as I sought how to comfort her, begged the Holy Spirit to bring understanding to her precious heart that she is forgive, rejoiced over by God Himself (Zeph 3:17), and created in Christ Jesus for good works that He will enable her to accomplish. And one afternoon, it was as if her whole spirit sighed as she prayed beside me–the kind of sigh your whole being releases when a struggle has been fought and won. She didn’t have profound thoughts on the matter… but one thing returned: her joy of worship, worship music, and dancing.
This story to share a conclusion: in those weeks of prayer the Holy Spirit rekindled a driving desire in me to protect, serve, love, and admonish the children that we have been blessed with. (At one point, I had been told that I could not have children–but that’s another story.) I, too, look forward to these upcoming articles and thank you, thank you for the humbleness that emanates from your writing… it is one of the traits the keeps me checking in on the posts here and invites me to process what’s laid on your heart on my own before the Servant King.
Hooray – sounds like a wonderful series! I look forward to reading your posts
!!
Courtney
Sally….I too am one of those older moms who wished that I had known that God was not an angry…exacting…demanding God…..if only I had known that He is full of Mercy,grace and unconditional love….I would have loved my kids so much better. I have three grown children and a 15&17 at home….I am a different parent with them….still growing in receiving His Love,Grace and Mercy to me so I can give what I have received. By God’s grace…my older children know this kind of love because their earthly dad loved them well and he modeled such good parenting for me…..my husband carried the load until I found the healing power of God’s love.
I share my heart with younger women….I am so thankful you are able to share these truths with such a large audience.
I will pray for hearts to be open to Truth…to change….sad to think if I would have read this 20 yrs ago…I would have been so closed and viewed this as wrong…full of compromise…not being true…..those are the ones I will be praying for…..and strength for you as you step out into these rough waters….stay the course….it is worth the battle.
Blessings to you,
Ro
Sally,
Hooray, I am so excited for this new series of posts you are doing! I’ve been longing for a Titus 2 mentor too, so thank you so much for being one for me and so many others!
It really makes sense that in parenting, as in any endeavor, our view of God is truly foundational, and our relationship with Him is our motivation and strength. I haven’t been so consistent in setting apart time for Him lately, but I know I need to, and I’m committing to do so once more.
On a little side note, when I read books or blogs on parenting philosophies, this is what I look for to ascertain if what they’re telling me is in accord with what I already know to be true. Do they direct me first to God? Do they hold up His Word above, far above, their own? Do they encourage me to look to Him and be like Him, before they tell me to do anything else? It’s a little test that, for me at least, helps sift away some of the chaff that I find as I’m looking for godly counsel.
Thank you again for your godly counsel. I’m looking forward to more!
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if some older women would just visit the willing home of a younger mom and observe what she is doing, right or wrong, and offer some guidance? When my kids were young, I wanted someone to come over and walk me through so many things. Ya know, just to uncover our blind spots?
All such great comments and great insights. I, too, wanted an older, wiser woman to show me. But I was surrounded by women my age who were all groping their way in the dark. Oh how I spent so much time reading, praying, pondering, studying. It was Clay who developed a Biblical view of grace-based parenting as we know it is our family. I was very discipleship oriented because of my background in missions–and so by God’s grace we took a different path, but how I would have loved a real live model.
Just want to say thank you for being willing to write about this….I found myself a bit nervous for you as I was reading through the post above…because of what a hot topic this can be. Probably quite telling of my people-pleasing-don’t-want-to-start-a-riot-offend-tendencies. Thank you for being willing to “work for the Lord and not for men” (Col 3:23 & 24).
Russell Moore recently wrote an excellent piece about how we need Titus 2 type women who are a bit…do I dare say…older
to share about “The Birds and the Bees”.
–To help younger women prepare for what may be just around the next corner…
–To help them process life and prepare with a tinge of seasoned wisdom…
I know that even though our oldest is only 10…we have moved away from looking at parenting as a formula…and are much more grace based with our fifth, who is 20 months.
Thank you for being willing to take this on…
I put Russell Moore’s link in a related post on our blog:
http://thechuppies.blogspot.com/2011/03/will-someone-please-tell-me-about-birds.html
I never really thought of it this way but it’s so true! Thank you for writing this insightful article. I’ve definitely been learning lately it’s very important not seek out truth, the closer I am to God I find the more I even care about seeking out whether things I’m taught or have been taught are true. I’m far more likely to have interest in obeying Him when we are “in relationship”. This is so true for our children as well……
Sally,
Thank you for taking the time to write these articles. I am so looking forward to each one. I want to encourage you as yoiu share your heart with us and please the Lord by doing so. Thank you for being so generous with yoiur wisdom. I am praying for you and Wholeheart.
Sally, you are such a dear woman1 Thank you! I appreciate the time you take to teach us. May God nourish you richly and provide all the rest you need. Choosing to bless others with your time is hard, given your schedule. Writing is very time consuming, I know. Thank you, again!
Thank you so much for these posts. I grew up watching younger children raised with “first time obedience”. They were angry frustrated children and they grew up to be angry frustrated teenagers. Many turned away from the Lord. And yet, now at my church I see many rude, disrespectful children who clearly need some discipline! As a mom of young children it is really so difficult to know what to do!
Sally, I have read all your books over the years, and gleaned so much. I was raised without parents so did my own parenting by the seat of my pants for many years.
I hope and pray you discuss relationships with children in their mid and late teens. I could use some illumination in that area about now.
Thanks!
Sally,
I wanted to email privately, but I don’t see a private “contact” link, so I’ll post here.
Recently, I came across a write up of your daughter, Sarah (I believe it was on the Apologia site??) providing a bit of info about her as a conference speaker. In the write-up it mentioned that Sarah committed her life to God at the age of 16. I was hoping that you could share a bit about this.
As a Christian parent, I almost feel a pressure to have my kids commit their lives to God at an early age. I hear about children who have prayed at their mother’s knee at the age of four, and although this is beautiful, I wonder about the authenticity of it. My older children (5 and 7) have not “prayed at my knee” by their own initiative to commit their lives to God. I want them to, but I want it to be their decision/conviction, not something that I have “persuaded” them to do.
With your Sarah, how did the “salvation” process take place? Was there a childhood commitment and then a more adult commitment at 16?
I may be the only one out there with this question, but if you feel like it could be a topic of a future post of yours, then that would be so appreciated. (Or maybe you have addressed this topic somewhere already – maybe a link to share with me?)
Thank you for blessing, blessing and blessing some more.
I’m not Sally, but I would like to comment on this. If it is out of order, Sally, please feel free to delete it.
Despite being raised in church, I didn’t come to salvation until college. I think until that point I understood being a Christian to involve rule keeping and “being good”. I think I believed I was saved because I attended church and tried to do right. After I was “saved” I walked in fear that I really wasn’t and at any time the rapture might come and I’d be lost — I’m sure that was some combination of doctrinal misunderstanding. I didn’t find true peace until I read a book called “A Nail in a Sure Place” and made a decision for Jesus. As I have matured as a Christian I’ve grown and deepened my dedication to Jesus. I remember one particular night when I was challenged by the Lord to make him THE LORD of my life — a much deeper submission.
When my children were little they were immersed in scripture from an earlier age and influenced by excellent Bible teachers who used a simple approach to explain the need of everyone for salvation. They each accepted Jesus at a fairly young age because they were prompted by the Holy Spirit and not by any prompting from me. I just simply always answered their questions.
They understood salvation in simple terms and at some point the Holy Spirit prompted them to ask me to help them pray (which we did). My oldest son came to this point at about age 5, he immediately shared his salvation with the new youth pastor at our church. The youth pastor insisted that there was no way a 5 year old could truly comprehend sin and salvation. So I said to him, “Possibly you are correct, but what would have have me do — deny them the right to pray? It was not my goal to “save them, only the Holy Spirit can bring conviction for salvation. I’m only accepting my son’s word that he understand and has asked Jesus to cleanse his heart from sin. So this is really God’s deal and I’m sure He will work it out in time.” Dear Sweet YOUNG Youth Pastor then proceeded to quiz my son on various theological points on the doctrine of salvation. After a while this young man returned to my office (I worked part-time at church and my children went to work with me so they were around the staff a lot). He came to apologize because, though he didn’t understand it (it was after all against everything he had learned in seminary) my young son did indeed understand sin and salvation and had prayed for Jesus to cleanse him of sin with an understanding equal to any adult who had prayed the prayer of salvation.
Probably because I had this experience with my older two children – I did feel a little pressured for my daughter to accept the Lord (I was afraid I was doing something wrong!). However, she passed ages 5, 6 and 7 without any expressed desire or understanding of salvation. One day at a vacation Bible school she attended with a friend, her group leader came to me and mentioned that my daughter had been asking lots of questions and she thought the Holy Spirit might be working on her heart. So we just prayed for wisdom. Several nights later my daughter came to me privately and we discussed the conviction she was feeling and Jesus’ desire to maker her heart right. We prayed and, because I had been troubled about the surety of my salvation for many years early on, we wrote that date in her Bible. I believe she was 8 years old or a little older. I can say that I observed evidence of a transformation in her life as she sought to know more of Jesus and demonstrated a love for the Bible that was all her own.
These little “saints” still had plenty of sin that needed working out (don’t we all!). They had plenty of growing to do. Also, sometime after the age of about 12 or 13 they each went through another time when the Holy Spirit convicted them of a need to make Jesus Lord. This process has generally taken years and I believe there either has or will come a time when they each make a firm decision for allowing Jesus to be LORD of their life. For one of these children there were several years of personal struggle until they fully dedicated their life in college and have grown spiritually by leaps and bounds ever sense. For the “late blooming” daughter, we’re in this now as she works through that dedication process – she is 15. For my other son, he had a period of deep conviction and growth during his teen years, but right now he is probably walking more in his own ambition that in submission to Jesus. He is not leading a hedonistic lifestyle — but I just don’t see a great deal of spiritual depth or dedication in his life at this stage. However, I believe the foundation of scripture is there and I leave the rest up to the Holy Spirit. He is accountable to God for himself at this point.
I hope this helps. I don’t believe you should feel pressured or inadequate. Just pray and leave the results up to the Lord. I have heard people who confess that they feel they have always known the Lord and can’t pin point a day of salvation for themselves.
Different churches have different beliefs about the doctrine of salvation so I don’t want to over step on any other person’s understanding. I just know that the Holy Spirit is the ONLY one who convicts to salvation.
All this being said — I too would like to hear Sarah’s testimony.
I am another one of those older women who wonders how I missed reading Sally’s books years ago and believe her teaching would have given me the courage to abandon some very harsh parenting models earlier than I did. If my children turned out well at all it is totally due to the influence of Jesus in our lives. I attended a very strict parenting class at our church and found it sounded hollow as well as harsh, especially as I thought of how the Lord had dealt with me over the years. This is the book I want my daughter’s in law to read when they make me a grandmother!
Dear Diane!
Thank you for responding to my comment and for sharing your children’s stories. Such a blessing as well as practical insight.
I have a feeling that you are somewhat of a Titus 2 woman that us newer moms are so in need of! Bless you!
Thank you for this Sally. For leaving me with these questions and scriptures to ponder. Convicted and Encouraged!
I am, as always, looking forward to what you have to say. Thank you for tackling this topic! I know your heart for mothers and families and I’m grateful that you have the verve to transmit your ideals on discipleship parenting. This is a message the world needs to hear!
Sally, thank you so much for this post, and the ones to come. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home, and my husband is not exactly on the same pagewithme spiritually. I became a Christian at 28, when my oldest was 4, and my middle child was8 mths at the time – I had one more since. I feel like it took a few years of me trying to fully realize & learn my own faith, while failing to fully show them a life of faith. Sadly, I never saw that modeled or how to do it.
I would appreciate these articles so much & look forward to them all.
Kristy
These words touched my heart “How do you see your children? What informs your mind when you look upon their sweet faces? Do you see them through the eyes of Jesus? Do you focus on them as someone to police or correct–or someone to love and serve, understand, protect, love and instruct?”
Wise words indeed!!!
I look forward to more post on how we as mothers can be more rooted in the “Word”. Thank you Sally, just what i needed and what i look forward to building!
How timely! I had just been thinking on Mark 10: 16 and Christ tells us that of children, “of such is the kingdom of God,” and read these same words here. It is a refreshing thing to read from an older mother who has seen the fuller picture of children, childhood, and of motherhood share similar seed thoughts and meditations that our same God has led me to, yet of which I have not always have other older women encouraging me in path of gentle motherhood…and you have greatly expanded upon those seed thoughts and are now showing many of us a beautiful display of those thoughts grown up.
I love the post. Having faith in God in raising your child is one of the best formulas that you can have in raising them . You can’t go wrong with Him. Great job!
Jhona
I’m struggling with what it means to do grace based parenting. There are the extremes of legalism and permissiveness. I want to hold my children to a high standards, but don’t know how to do this without being overbearing. On the other hand, how to I relax and yet still take seriously the responsibility of training them? How do I accept them for who they are and yet not overlook sin in their hearts? These are the issues I’m struggling with and I get overwhelmed by confusion.
When you say you don’t support 1st time obedience, I’m not sure what that means. Does it mean you ask your children 3 or 4 times to do something? Please don’t see this as a critique, I just don’t know what non-first-time obedience would look like.
I do train my kids to 1st time obedience but I work really hard to avoid legalism. I try to avoid capricious demands that are based on my own preferences. I try to point them to the moral or practical reasoning behind every command I give. I use a variety of consequences when needed. Now I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing. I do not wan to embitter my kids. And yet, if I don’t train them to 1st time obedience, aren’t I just training them to wait until the 3rd time when I get a little bit mad and finally raise my voice?