This is how I do NOT want my children to see me!
There are so many burdens we can take on as mothers. Wanting to lead our children in the right direction; to help them learn the ways of God and love Him, to teach them how to best respond to and treat other people … our list of things we ought to be doing grows long. And sometimes that means we start hovering, watching every move they make, worrying lest we miss an opportunity to correct them or give advice about something happening in their lives.
It’s good to take our responsibility seriously. Yet especially as a young mom, I found I could sometimes go overboard! When I mixed worry with my good intentions, the end result was often needless distress. And if I was also worrying about what others might be thinking about me, I found myself experiencing the “fear of man” that “bringeth a snare”! Thankfully, after many years of walking with the Lord and noticing the way He gently guides my own steps, I learned to relax and trust His leading in their lives, too.
“Sometimes we feel that we need to play the role of the Holy Spirit in our children’s lives and impose great guilt on them so they will be hesitant to sin anymore. But I don’t see this in the life of Jesus. Yes, Jesus always called His disciples and followers to the highest standards. He taught that He came to fulfill the law and that all the commandments of God were of utmost importance (Matthew 5:17-20). And yet, wherever He went, Jesus proclaimed forgiveness and extended His gracious forgiveness to all who sought Him–including tax collectors, prostitutes, and even a thief on the cross. He maintained this same attitude of gentle and gracious forgiveness toward the disciples even as they abandoned Him at the cross. Jesus took the time to personally talk to them about sin and to offer them grace. And it was this gracious forgiveness, I believe, that opened their hearts so that they “loved much.”
Our children need the same kind of gentle graciousness from us if they are to learn to share their vulnerability, to confess their own sins, and to be free to love. If they fear our strong condemnation and possible rejection, they will hide their sins, perhaps even deceive themselves about the nature of it. They will definitely not avail themselves of our mature direction in their lives.”~ The Ministry of Motherhood
Reminding myself of God’s gracious, tender love toward me helps me extend that same graciousness to my children. Take a moment and rest in His great love for you, sweet mom! He will guide your steps, and your children’s, too.
Whew, what a good word today!!!
Last Wednesday evening I started a Bible Study on the Mission of Motherhood! We have 10 ladies and are all so excited to see what the Lord has to teach us! (we did The Ministry of Motherhood last semester!)
Thanks for today’s post, very good stuff to pray over today!
so excited for you! will pray blessing.
Thank you for that wonderful reminder!
Feeling a bit convicted as I have been guilty of this very mistake. Thank you so much for reminding me to trust Him with their hearts instead of using heavy words to put “the fear of God” into them!
Yes! I cannot be anyone’s Holy Spirit – and I have learned over the years that my children especially resent it! Thank you for the reminder.
This is my ultimate weakness! I don’t know how to stop. It’s so hard not to play that game. We started homeschooling this year (4th, 2nd, pre-k) and I think if I continue this they will want to go back to public school! Thank you Sally for posting this today.
I so resonate with this wisdom. My issue is that I just don’t know how to do it. I feel like when I offer grace and forgiveness, the kiddos take advantage of it. I seek wisdom in the balance of consequences for actions in training them, and grace/mercy/forgiveness. We train them Biblically as best as we can. The quality time and moments of fun/laughter are there. We are raising very independent, intelligent, curious, adventurous and strong willed children. My role models taught with strict guidelines and control and were very focused on outward actions and performance. This does not mesh well with my spirit. Yet, the balance….I can’t figure that out either. I pray daily for wisdom and guidance on this. My children are my primary mission field and I long to love and raise them well. Reaching out to God for His love and truth personally and as a parent. My hubby has a heart for God, yet also was not trained on how to lead his family. I seek out to find help for us and pass it on to him. I’ve given him so many of your books, Sally. Thank you!
We saw the same reaction from one of our kids when we offered grace, and we saw him “taking advantage” of it. In hindsight, I think he was really testing to see if he could trust us. We said we were offering grace and forgiveness, but he didn’t know if it was true, or if we were just being wishy washy. So his way of finding out if our grace and forgiveness was real, was to do something that would need grace and forgiveness. At first we would go back to being heavy handed because we did not want him to take advantage, to act out, to ???, it was what we grew up with, what was comfortable to fall back on – even if it didn’t “fit us”. When we got to a place where we better understood his ways, we showed grace and forgiveness, unconditionally, and he eventually stopped “taking advantage” and instead trusted us and his behaviors changed. Communication is key, building trust is huge, knowing your own set of principles is important. We have finally started a simple verbal gauge using this… are you being respectful, responsible, fun to be around. If any of these is not in balance, then a change needs to be made. It makes for good discussions, or a quick mental check. We have found this to be good for adults through young children. It may look different in different settings, with different people groups. In the end, each is accountable for their own actions and choices and teh reminder is not overwhelming or embarrasing.
I just finished reading this book and this is one section that I read *over and over*!! My children are very young but I’ve found I have a tendency to ‘play the role of the Holy Spirit’ at my husband more than anyone!! I have been so convicted by the Lord, and He says to me over and over, ‘Your husband is also my Son! Let Me talk to Him!’ I believe I have sometimes drowned out the voice of the Lord because I make sure I ‘take the opportunity’ to give my opinions!
I agree that we don’t want our children to see us this way. Every mother wants to be thought of as beautiful to her children. Though, IF the Holy Spirit convicts our children through us and they do see us this way, it will be worth it and we can join the Apostle Paul in saying:
2 Cor 7:8-11 (NIV) Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it–I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while–yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you…
This was a good article. I have a problem here at home that my husband and I are struggling with. I would welcome any suggestions. We are a homeschooling family. I keep our children inside during school hours– we are schooling during most of them. However, our yard is open and can be seen by 11 or 12 neighbor homes. We are renters otherwise we might just put up a fence. My children are 8 and almost 6 year old boys. I let them play outside while I cook dinner or do a job in the house. Apparently the neighbors have decided that they can order our children around in our own yard. Yesterday they were yelled at by one neighbor which was out of line and my children had not even done what they yelled at them for. I will give our children permission to do something like dig in an area of the garden that is theirs for that purpose and play cars there. One of the neighbors does not like it and walks into our yard and tells them they are not allowed to do this. That is just one example. We have talked to the neighbors who are doing this and they continue anyway. It happens so often that I think some of them are standing at the window watching for something to correct our children for. I refuse to hover over my children at this age as they are trustworthy enough to play outside for a while and are at an age when that is appropriate. If I stand right with them the entire time they play they will resent me and that feeling would have some merit. However, they are right now frustrated by the situation, but we can not force the neighbors to stop and we have addressed them about this. Any suggestions besides putting up a fence and moving? Neither are options right now. I know you are all moms who are wise and might have another idea to help me.
Reach out and become friends with your neighbors. Bake some cookies with your children and take them over. Unless homeschooling is illegal in your state, invite them to an “open house”, showing your children’s artwork, science projects, and get them involved in supporting your efforts and your convictions. You proba
bly have lonely neighbors that don’t have anything better to do with their time. And pray first. Good luck. I’ll be praying, too.
Charmaine
Wise words, as always Sally. Thank you for sharing your heart once again.
Love you!!
This is beautiful!! I love this reminder. God is teaching this to me right now.
OH, God recently placed this on my heart – I was trying to do the job of theHolySpirit and he stopped mein my footsteps one day…and put me in my place – at his feet…with my children. Thank you!
That picture Sally….That’s how I’ve looked this week. Thanks for the reminder!!!