Friends, we are counting down to the Desperate release (January 8th!) and we need your help to add a few more things to the book.
What questions do you have that you would love answers to when it comes to mothering small children? Where are you feeling particularly desperate as a mother?
Would you please leave your question in the comments? We’ll be choosing around 20 for the book. Thank you so much!
I am desperate to break the negative patterns we have set/I have modeled in regards to communicating with one another, giving each other grace, and putting other’s needs above our own. I hear how my boys talk to each other and I realize they are imitating me…I’m desperate to change and don’t know where to begin. I’m “doing” so many things right, but feel like I am sabotaging myself with my over-reactions and over-training. Thanks ladies!
Oh me too – I could have written that word for word….. would love to hear more on this!
i NEVER use this word… But DITTO! I couldn’t have put it into words any better. Heather’s reply could have come straight from my soul! These were my exact thoughts TODAY. Please consider our hearts on this matter. I’m reading ministry of motherhood, and set out doing well each morning. But the habits remain… Tears flowed as I sat alone after homeschool wondering just how to apply what I ‘now know’
Me 3! You took the words right out of my mouth!
I desperatly agree, I need help here too!
I also agree. Also, dealing with anger toward my children and helping myself and my kids to deal with stress. Right now it comes out as anger and frustration. Like the rest of these ladies I find that I hear myself in my kids and I do not like how I am sounding.
Also, how to break the habits you learned as a child. My family did alot of negative talk, nagging and hurtful talk. To me it just natural and I don’t always know what is hurting my family and what is really helping.
This book sounds so wonderful!! I cannot wait to read it.
Yes, I need help in this area too! My two older girls especially bicker and argue over everything and are so unkind to each other. I’ve tried to handle it how I believe is the right way, but I fail so many times and get angry myself. I too find myself over-training. In an attempt to try to get through to them, I end up feeling like it’s nagging, even when I am showing them scripture.
I cringe when I hear the way my boys speak to each other with shortness, anger, and rudeness. I too try to model grace and love, and it just doesn’t show through, very often. They are 10,8,6 & 2, and even the 2 year old is rude. I would love to hear answers.
Heather stated it perfectly. I would like to add, though, that I’m also struggling with helping my husband to understand this dilemma too. He is a very caring, gentle man, but doesn’t realize how harsh he can sound at times (mostly to the dog)…..which results in the children using the same harshness toward each other and the dog.
What she said! Exactly!!
How do I take care of myself, when so many people need so many things from me?
My biggest challenge is just getting the “must do” stuff done…. not so much making home and kids a priority, they are. It’s the fact there are so many – going on 6 under 7 1/2 yrs! – of them to only one me. We have virtually no outside commitments besides church and yet I often feel so behind, all. the. time. I feel like I can almost get it all done. But there is always something that isn’t. We can get schooling, house work and laundry under control but shoot what’s for dinner
Or we get the house taken care of, laundry put away, dinner in the crockpot and school falls thru the cracks. None of this can “wait” or not be done on a regular basis, I just feel like I need to be supermom and can’t do it all.
Oh please let this be one of the questions. I can not wait to see the questions and answers. Feeling Hopeful, Angelia
Amen! Exactly where I’m at–expecting baby #6 and need this advice as well as ideas for making our daily life flow feel manageable with my own ADD and having a child with attention issues too. Plus, we have food intolerance issues so I do a lot of baking in addition yo homeschooling. Sally, I’m hoping you can shed light on this for me!
Yes! Working for that illusive *gold star* mommy day…
I homeschooled my dear daughter who’s now a lovely, bright 20 y/o. Let housework go if necessary. Simplify your homeschooling: If your students are all very young, just play Math Games; play Go Fish with letters and dipthongs, saying the sounds rather than the names of the letters; read to the children a little above their own reading level. Watch Liberty’s Kids and Magic Schoolbus, and talk about it. Have them copy scripture verses or passages of favorite books. Next have them write as you narrate. Have older kids read to younger ones. Teach children to set the table (count the plates and flatware), empty wastebaskets, fold underwear and playclothes, put toys in baskets, have each wash his own dish. Some of our favorite reading material: Goodnight Moon; The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh; Little House on the Prairie (not the picture books); when they’re slightly older, GA Henty historical novels (there are 99 of them, available free on the Gutenberg Project website for download to an ereader, smartphone or computer).
Oh, and take nature walks, describing what you see, then have the kids describe what they see. Press flowers and leaves. Do rubbings of trees’ bark. Make a nature journal. Have them draw flowers, insects, pawprints. Have fun with sschol and never give letter or number grades. S for Satisfactory or I for Incomplete. Teachers in government schools don’t finish everything they plan to do, so relax. We were relaxed homeschoolers and my daughter often astonished me with what she picked up on her own. She taught herself Genetics, HTML, Computer Aided Design and Art Photography. She is pretty well versed in national and world affairs. She knows more history than I do.
By the way, there are good computer games for math and history, and some of them do a surprising job of introducing economics as well.
Lovely advice!
I need to know how to discern between grace and indulgence, and how discipline/correction, and grace work together in balance.
YES!!!
How to really handle and respond to disappointments in mothering. I have more than one stronger-willed, harder to train children. And when I feel like I REALLY have loved and nurtured and discipled them well in some area with my whole heart, and they do not respond, it is crushing. How do you pick yourself back up as a mother when giving it your all wasn’t enough? How do you do it several times a day?
Yes!!
I love what Trina said about balancing discipline and grace with our kids. I am always struggling with that.
I would also love to know how to best handle children who have a lot of anxiety. Prayer is a must, of course. But I struggle with a balance between compassion (which generally feeds the anxiety), and shutting it down. I want my kids to talk to me about their fears so we can pray and talk through them together, but it is difficult to know how to handle these situations so they don’t live in a spirit of fear. Thank you.
Our boys, though creative and funny and sweet, often act rude and undisciplined, both in the home and towards others in public. Though we have taught them much about the Lord, and about loving others, we have also been inconsistent and unreliable as parents, bouncing from one behavioral tactic to the next and distracted from our family by outside projects. We are learning to say no and focus on our home and family as our most important mission, but need help accepting the grace to start anew. How can we begin creating a right relationship with our children now, while they are still relatively young (5 and under), despite past patterns that may have been hurtful and even neglectful?
How do I stop myself from snapping at my children and breaking their spirits? And when is it permissiveness and when is it grace?
My children are still quite young. I have 2 under 4. But I feel desperate to create in them a spirit of hard work as they grow. Both in homeschool work as well as chores and other tasks. I don’t feel like I was ever taught this as a child which makes me feel even more bewildered and unconfident in this are. How do you foster hard work in kids?
We have a child who is sweet natured but will do anything to get attention, including hitting, hugging, screaming, and saying things just to get a reaction from his siblings, or kids on the playground. Today at the playground he spit on a little girl’s head, and hit two others seemingly for no reason. He has a wonderfully strong will that we are trying to bend with the Holy Spirit’s help, but we feel so baffled. Again, he has such a sweet little heart, but is such an incredible challenge. As a mom I need to know if we have caused this behavior by exasperating him with our reactions to his difficult behavior over the years or is it something else? How do I manage his temperament with grace and without frustration when he can literally drive us to tears? Basically, how to raise a challenging child with grace.
We always hear that our children will only be small for a short time and we need to choose them over laundry and other housework. I find on days I do choose fun, quality time with my children, I am more overwhelmed than ever by the end of the day with a pile of chores to catch up on and no energy left to do them or spend time with my husband. What practical advice can you share for finding this elusive “balance” in the midst of child-raising and homemaking?
Balance, Yes! I have been struggling with this too. It seems when I do try to do it all my husband gets left out.
Yes, I agree with the “balance” comment–seems we’re always struggling with this as well!
How do you respond as a mom when you discipline your child and he/she responds with the words “I hate you!”?
How do you know if you’re responding to your child’s need or starting a bad habit? For example, my 1 year old and I are going through the weaning process together. He is incredibly clingy now and needs a lot more hugs and time in my arms. He is even waking up throughout the night wanting comfort, so I’ve
started taking him in another room and cosleeping. I know many people would say that I’m giving in or starting a bad habit and it’s so hard to know what to do.
Separating young children from their parents for sleeping is a relatively modern idea. We coslept with our daughter until she asked to have her own room, at about 9 years old. We have a tight bond now–she’s 20.
Some people may think that you’re starting a bad habit, but they don’t know what’s best for you and your little one. Follow your instincts. God created you to respond to your son’s needs.
I have difficulty balancing the needs of my teenager (14) with the needs of my 2 yr.old (both very demanding in their own rights). I also have one very good natured child in between who really does get lost in the middle sometimes which breaks my heart because I love spending time with him. So, I guess my question is for ideas on balancing attention on all the kids when there is a young one in tow. My older child’s homeschool needs are not being met fully because of the little one. So, any words of wisdom on that would be great too.
Have the 14 year old help with homeschooling the two younger children. Have the teen read to them and play math games with them. Have family reading times, gradually letting younger children read sections. Don’t bother with drivel–excellent literature for babies and young children will be well tolerated by teens and adults. Think Margaret Wise Brown, A A Milne, Laura Ingalls Wilder and G A Henty. Much of the learning for older students is review and expansion of the earlier knowledge anyway. And the interaction between the age groups is invaluable.
How do I take care of myself and have some me time alone and with God when 25 hours a day you are taking care of your entire family and tending their needs? Where do you find anytime for yourself?
Looking forward to reading Desperate and prayfully finding answers.
Thanks
Yes, this! I especially struggle with finding alone time with God and really being able to take the time I need to listen and process. When I do have a few moments, it’s so hard to focus sometimes and my brain often feels like mush. Does it get better after the toddler years?
Yes, this one too! We are in the toddler years…I am always struggling with how to get the time with God I used to have before children. What are practical ways Moms can keep our relationship with the Lord vibrant in the midst of wiping up the third spilled cup of milk that day?
How to deal with constant defiance? My daughter goes against everything I tell her, all the time! How do I deal with it? I get so frustrated and annoyed with her at times and the way I deal with it and respond to her is less than Christ like. How do I break old patterns and habits when I seem so stuck in a rut and I don’t see a way out? I get easily frustrated and start yelling and now my daughters talk the same way to each other. On top of that it seems like my younger daughter is picking up on all the bad habits of my older one. It is like a vicious cycle with no way out
I have three boys 8, 5 & 1 1/2. During school time my littlest one walks around fussing for attention and it effects how I school the other two. I become easily aggravated, more impatient and I feel like I am not giving them my best in this state. Any advice for moms with small children who are schooling older children would be helpful.
I would try giving the toddler her own letter blocks to play with while engaging the 5 year old in spelling with letter blocks and the 8 year old in making simple sentences. Similarly the baby could play with dominoes while the older two play dominoes, matching the dots to form lines. The 8 year old could read well written picture books to the littler ones. The same general material can be presented over a range of ages, with different participation depending on ability. On nature walks, the baby can pick up leaves, the 5 yo can do pressings or rubbings and narrate her observations, and the 8 yo can draw and write about what he sees.
I agree with sooo many of these comments, but this one is a big one here too…and Shannon’s kids are the same age as mine and I’m feeling the same tug between baby vs schooling older ones!! Thanks for the ideas and for sharing your struggle Shannon. You are NOT ALONE!!
I’m going to commit to pray for you every morning when we start school.
Is it ever too late to start over? I have a teenager, and I can see so much in insecurity and flaws that I blame myself for. Is there any hope to make amends now, or is it too late?
I struggle with finding the balance between serving my children and yet making them independent enough to take care of some of their own needs. When do I go out of my way to help them and when do I try to get them to take care of things on their own? I can end up feeling guilty either way, doing too much for them or not doing enough?
How to encourage & cultivate a love for the Lord & His Word in young children…how to teach young children to think on what the Lord says about things and not their flesh, the Devil, or the world…how as a mother not to be ruled by my feelings or circumstances, but by the Spirit of God!
Wow! I am looking forward to this book, especially if all these questions get answered. They are pretty much all things that I struggle with. I suppose the only thing I have left to add is how to teach “honor” to my kids (son 17 and daughter 8), especially towards me. They do pretty good with others. I have always tried to instill this and for the most part my son does pretty well – he has a compassionate heart, although I think he believes he is an adult and not still under me. I realize that this may be part of his growing up, but it can still be a challenge. My daughter tends to lack compassion and empathy (or a least I don’t see that much in her) and is a strong-willed girl. I also tend to focus on her negatives (since that is mostly displayed) even though she does have some wonderful qualities. I feel like I just can’t reach her. I have been praying for a soft heart for her and asking the Lord to guide me to be the mother that He wants me to be.
1. How to deal w/ negative comments from family & friends because you’re a “stay-at-home mom?”
2. What to say to others when they think your child should be able to go to someone’s house that you don’t really trust? To do things you don’t really want your child to be involved in? Etc.
3. How to tell your child they can’t go to someone’s house or do things that others do, explaining in a good way so that they can learn to discern?
Responding to Question 2 – May I say that if you don’t trust another parent(s), it is wise to stick with your instinct on this. It may be that in time and with increased maturity you will feel that your child will be able to handle short periods of time in their home, or your sense of unease may increase, with good reason… All you can really say to others is that you are not comfortable with it, or that you don’t feel your child is ready. If they persist in asking why, a simple ‘it just doesn’t feel right for our family at this time’ and if necessary, ‘I’d prefer not to discuss the issue further.’ I know this can feel uncomfortable, but if we expect our teens to say ‘no’ to things later on, knowing they will feel uncomfortable, they also need to see parents model a willingness to make choices that leave them in that sometimes uncomfortable spot where they do not act according to peer expectations.
I grew up in a home that had a lot of anger and negativity. I’m trying my very best to create a positive and loving environment for my three young children, but despite my prayers, I seem to fail each day and I lash out in anger, even when I’m trying not to. I always go to my children and apologize to them and reaffirm my love for them, but I’m terrified of scarring them for life and setting them on the road to anger as well. They are God’s precious gift to me and I’d do anything for them. I want them to live a life of joy and a life that reaffirms the goodness of God. Why can’t I get rid of the anger and understand that their behavior happens because they’re just young and immature? Why is grace for our little ones so hard?
Dear Karen,
This is my story too. God is teaching me to surrender my “right” to get angry. I’m learning slowly to cry out to Him in those times and to pray, “Jesus what do you want me to say in this situation?” Don’t know if that helps you.
Much love & grace,
Michelle
I said some of the same up above. I know exactly what you are saying. My family was angry and negative and stress always sends me back there. I pray right now that we all give our anger to God and leave us the Grace He gives us.
I am in the same boat, I wish I could find a way to stop it. Maybe I am just not trying hard enough or maybe I am lacking self control? How do we overcome our anger and not take our children’s misbehavior so personal?????
Karen, I am praying that the Lord will love on you and build you up, that He will help you to see how precious and valuable you are to Him. I am praying that He will fill you with peace, confidence, patience, compassion and grace as you parent your children and that you will communicate in a way that builds them up. I also pray the He will shield you from the lies of the enemy, the lies that tell you that you are failing. God bless you Sister!
Karen, I grew up as one of four children under 4-1/2 years, and I remember many times my mom yelling at us under the stress. When I had my first daughter I was relieved I was not a “yeller”. I had a second daughter and things got busier. The year I began to home educate my firstborn, my second was 18 months and I had a 2 week old son. It was not long before I learned I was just like my mother, and gained a new understanding of her! But I remember well one specific day that I was yelling at my eldest (she experienced this the most ) and saw fear of me in her eyes. That is when I began to ask the Lord for help. I went to my 5-year old and apologized to her, confessed to her I had a problem and it was not her fault and that I was asking Jesus to help me. It was the first of many such confessions and requests for her forgiveness. Every time, she responded with love and forgiveness. And we saw God change me over time. I would regain control of myself more quickly until I finally could stop the build up BEFORE an “explosion”. She is the only one of my children who remembers those turbulent days, but she also learned how God changes a heart. To Him be the glory!
My children are all over 12 now, but when they were little I wish someone had set me down and cautioned me to trust my instincts and my Lord. So often I went to extremes in technique (that would garuntee me godly kids) or pressured them to grow up before they were ready. I pressured them to sleep without being comforted, eat foods their tastebuds weren’t ready for, try new experiences when they were very uncertain and afraid. I pushed them and punished them for things that were no more than, what I now understand is, normal and very healthy childhood behavior. They needed my tender love and too often I pushed their need for that aside and most often against my own instincts.
I would love to hear your story about balancing housework, your ministry and caring for your children. I seem to always end up feeling guilty for something. My daughter is 4 and my son is almost 2 and I love to spend time playing with them and reading to them but I also have to balance my job outside of the home (which I am praying continually to God about because I feel so strongly that He is guiding me to stay home with my children in the near future) and keeping the house clean and good food on the table.
I LOVE ALL OF THE SUGGESTIONS!!!
My question…how do I find a Titus 2 relationship without being desperate/draining on the relationship?
When I my kids were younger I longed for advice to help with parents who didn’t support homeschooling, me submitting my hubby, teaching kids to obey, etc. Another helpful topic maybe for couples to discern how they were raised and then decide how their parenting will be similar/different to their own upbringing. It’s so important to be on the same page, but naturally we’re often working from different experiences. With so many families being transient these days, I’d love advice on moving in different seasons. It’s so much harder now that college is on the horizon. Now that my first is in high school, I feel desperate for advice regarding this busy, busy season. We spend so many years training kids and homemaking only to get to a point where we’re in the car all the time, schedules are so busy that there’s no time to cook dinner. It’s a whirlwind….. I often feel like a poor homemaker. Issues in this season are very complex as children are becoming an individual. They love to talk all the time, and it requires patience! It’s exhausted, and it’s more complicated than the baby/toddler years. Obviously, I’m desperate.
I’m desperate to know how to have “me” time in the midst of being a stay at home mom (and all that goes with that..a lot!) and not feel guilty. I want to be refreshed myself without sacrifcing time with my family…What does that even look like in this season of my life?
1. Maybe share a sentence or 2 on what you did with your babies for scheduling and eating/nursing, and sleeping. I have read Spirit-led parenting, but it would be so nice to know how you and your husband came to aggrement on this, and what you did for that first year. I often feel so desperate in this area. Is she not feeling good? Does she need to cry? Is it okay to let her cry? How do you know? I like to know others stories of their decision and how it led them there. Leading to….
2. My husband and I aren’t sure. And we are both leaning to different sides. He—CIO, Me—nurse and comfort best you can. Seems we discuss it in the middle of night, ‘what should we do!? how should we handle her?’ so our emotions are high, and we have no patience for anything. But that is because we haven’t figured out how to have our time together as a married couple. amidst a new baby. A sentence or 3 on handling a marriage with a new baby. The struggle is that husband and wife are not in unison on how to handle baby….therefore…desperation.
Ashley,
How old is your baby?
I read a book called Your Fussy Baby. It recommended an early bedtime. At 4 months, we began putting her down at 6 or 6:30 in her own bed. When she woke in the night, she usually joined us in bed. If she was in her own bed when my husband woke for work, he’d bring her to me. She’d snuggle with me until I was ready to get up. In the first few months, that was at 9 am!
As far as crying, I did a practice normal to other cultures but unique in ours…..EC. Elimination Communication if you want to google it. I took her and held her bottom over the potty just before bedtime. Where she had previously fussed, she now went to sleep immediately! She REALLY HATED to wet herself at bedtime. She fussed a bit other times for the same reason, but she was downright upset at bedtime. She was 4 months when I figured this out. I am not talking about a 3 year old.
I don’t like my babies to cry if they will stop JUST by nursing or being held or having their backs patted, etc. I also don’t think it’s really ok for babies to cry and cry before they are old enough to meet their needs themselves. They can’t get to mom or a bottle for food. They can’t reach get covers if they are cold. Etc. Etc. That’s why babies have parents! And that’s why kids over one are called toddlers. They CAN do those things for themselves! Before that, crying is their voice!
If you have a super young baby, have you tried listening to that Dunstan Baby Language DVD?
I find that I am struggling with having two children 17 months apart and how to give them the attention that they need individually and together. How do you help them build a close/healthy relationship without rivalry and competition. My daughter is one and still waking up every two hours. I am unsure of what to do. I would like a perspective that is balanced. I am not able to stay at home. I have to work full-time. My income pays all of our bills. I am desperate for a perspective that is not stay at home focused, not homeschooled focused, and how to raise my children in the Lord in the midst of that. I grew up with parents that were not Christians and so I have no reference for how to introduce young children, under five, to the Lord and start the process of their spiritual journey without pushing and helping them even now to know that it is their own. I struggle with getting everything done and most of the time I do not. I need friendships and how do you do that when you work full-time, take care of two small children, and take care of a home. Especially when all resources are geared towards people that are not working.
I’m not sure I can word this question well, but I know where I’m “desperate” as a mother. I live in an area where to be a stay-at-home mom means you are wealthy. If you are not wealthy then the assumption is that you should be working so you can afford to live like the wealthy. My husband and I both feel that the best thing is for our son to have a full-time parent caregiver and we will give up a lot of comforts money could buy to be able to provide that for him. There is a lot of judgment from working moms (even my MIL) who think I should just throw in the towel and join them – I mean why else did I get a master’s degree but to have a career and make money! And the stay-at-home moms aren’t needing to run a creative business from home and cook from scratch so they can afford to eat healthy while also mothering their child. I guess the question is, where do you go for resolve to do what is best for your child when nobody agrees with you? And how do you balance loving mothering (of a young toddler) with the needs to get work done at home (so you can continue to stay at home)? And not that it matters that much, but our son was adopted as a toddler so his mommy needs are even greater than most!
So excited you are asking for our questions! It would be awesome to have these answered! Here’s what comes to mind:
I barely have time to keep up with the regular household chores, let alone take a minute to spend some time filling my cup back up (and I do get up early already). I’m lucky for a 30 min. no kid break since they are young and still resting/napping at different times. And when I get that 30 min. I’ve got to rush to get some household stuff done. No fill up time.
1. How do you find contentment in motherhood, especially full time stay at home motherhood, when you see lots of other women, the majority, basically all other women, around you working or having “their own thing” and it’s hard not to get discouraged by the daily, mundane-ness of your life that is only surrounded by diapers, messes, chasing toddlers, etc. I know this is what God would have me do and I want to keep approaching it with the right perspective and attitude but it’s hard to see other moms not doing the same thing and not become jealous.
2. How do you maintain sanity and energy to keep up with little ones under 5, especially multiple little ones? I struggle with exhaustion everyday and feel like I never get anything done because I’m chasing little ones around…plus we’ve got 2 more on the way!! eek!
3. How do you maintain romance and the “best friend” relationship with your spouse, a midst parenting? I don’t like how we fall into a rut of just co-parenting and being partners who run a house together…we are great at that, but we lose the romance and the marriage aspect of our relationship. And I know that will only get worse as we have more children. It’s a big concern for me and I think about it often, but what about when your spouse doesn’t see the problem as much?
4. Ok, one last one…how can you create a community of supportive mothers/women? I feel like a lot of women/mothers struggle with the same things but everyone keeps it to themselves and no one talks about it because everyone wants to “look good” and like they have it all together and they don’t want others to know they might struggle so we end up with a bunch of fake, surface relationships that aren’t really helping anyone. I’d love moms who would just open up and pour their hearts out honestly and know they didn’t have to fear judgement from other women.
Thanks so much for offering this opportunity! I’m so excited for the answers!
1. How to keep climbers from climbing.on.everything. The only safe place that is safe from them is above the fridge or the top closet shelves (and then only in the closets that only have a top shelf).
2. How to keep little boys from destroying the entire house. It’s like their whole mission in life is to wreak as much havoc in as short a time as possible.
3. How not to feel angry and resentful at God for allowing my children to have so many food intolerances. It makes life so very very difficult and so stressful and I don’t understand why it has to be this way.
4. How to actually survive life with a very strong-willed child.
5. How to get kids to sleep past 6 am. Why do I seem to be the only one I know whose children consider waking at 6:30 am instead of 5:45 or 6:00 to be sleeping in? I don’t think there’s any good answers to this one.
Wow… we are living similar lives! I have 2 boys, age 3 and 1 and I could have written those same questions! Thinking of you!
Wow, I can relate to so many of the questions above! My biggest question, is how to have a gentle tone of voice when dealing with my children, when I am so irritated inside?
Another one: How to help each child FEEL how truly loved they are by God and my husband and I? (we have 5 age 9 and under).
how do you deal with guilt—I aways feel like I am doing the wrong thing in one area or another. I was telling my husband the other day that it feels like going to work and never doing a great job no matter how hard I try. I just want to feel like I am doing a good job as a wife, and mother, but don’t think I ever will. I could always do a better job. I have a very hard time relaxing the household things, I love to get every thing done so I can relax and enjoy life—which means I don’t relax and enjoy life very much, there is always one more thing to do. Having a clean house and having the empty laundry basket is like a drug to me–it makes me feel so good, and when it comes to kids and husband I can’t just check them of a list, it takes much more than that.
Me too! I was just talking too my husband about this last night. I feel like no matter how much I do or give, it’s never enough. Not that he or the children cause me to feel that way, necessarily… I live with a lot of (probably self-imposed) guilt over feeling like I never make the best choice, like I could have or should have done better. There’s never enough of me to go around, things never get “done” to the standard that I think they ought to be in order to qualify as taking the best care of my family that I can.
Can you offer concrete suggestions for moms of young children to place a priority on their husbands and marriages?
I love my husband, and I love the idea of a close, happy marriage that also creates a stable, loving environment for children. But, more often than not, I love it in theory. My husband often gets the dregs of me at the end of day. I tend to put priority on the children and meeting their needs way before my husband’s.
Thanks for your wisdom and insight!
big ditto
I am desperate for community. For friendships that will last, that will encourage and support, not tear us down for following God. It seems people are too busy, running from activity to activity, no one has the time anymore. How do we find someone with the same ideals? I don’t know where to look or how to find people that have the same desires with raising kids and growing in the Lord. People who encourage their kids to play outside instead of sitting in front of a video or gaming system.
I agree with so many of the above requests. I am so desperate to be a better mom/wife but don’t have the examples around me. With a mom who was ill when I was a child, I feel I didn’t have a motherly example. She passed away when I was pregnant with my first child. Where are the mentors and godly mothers? Sometimes I just don’t know what to do or how to handle a situation with my kids and the easy thing to do is to yell and shout and get angry. I am starting to see my kids react this way instead of with the sweetness they used to have. Oh I so want to do things well and right and have a strong close relationship with my kids.
I have also gone from one parenting book to another trying to figure out how to discipline but be gracious. When to give grace when to discipline and what kind of discipline.
Looking forward to reading this book. Thank you for your heart, Sally. You have been a mentor to me through your books and your blog and I so appreciate your words of wisdom.
Two questions…
1) I’ve read most of your books and attended your conferences in the past. Read Heartfelt Discipline by Clay multiple times….still doing it… What types of consequences are appropriate for younger children (6 and under) to be a grace based parent. After you talk to them about what Jesus says about that behavior/sin, pray with them, teach them the correct behavior/words…but they turn around and do the same thing five minutes later…and continue to do it many times over…
2) How do you find like minded moms to build a support group of fellowship centered on Jesus? We’ve moved 4 times just in the last 6 yrs and lived in 3 states so we visited many churches and have found time and time again that motherhood is not valued and lukewarm faith is the norm. How do you find the “needle in the haystack”?
Thank you for being the Titus 2 woman in my life…virtually!
Sounds just like the book I need today:). Well, I wonder how to deal with the noise that my wonderful children make. Some days it gets to me. Also how to get up my emotional health so that my children can draw from me and also my hubby. Some days it feels like my tank is on empty and they just keep drawing out of it:) Blessings on your day, Tina
Will I ever learn to break the mold and be the parent these children deserver? Will I ever learn not to raise my voice? Will I even survive this?
I’m desperate to know how to “do it all!”
The beautiful family picture I envsisioned has been torn apart, and our now-fractured family is having to learn how to function with me being a single mom as I am going through a divorce.
I know I’m not the only one going through this…
My dream was to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling, Mom.
I’m struggling to keep those dreams, while working from home, but cannot find enough hours in my day, or energy in my hours to school, work, parent, clean, cook, etc., etc.
Discipline is slipping, chaos is rampant, and tears are frequent.
Help! This Mama’s vision of a peace-filled, God-honoring home is melting away, as we all struggle with broken hearts on this journey!
How can I do it all ~ ALONE?!?
(Grandparents are unable to help, and only offer major criticism, my spouse is completely uninvolved, we’ve had to move away and leave our home and friends, and are still trying to get established in our new place and new church.)
Feeling like I can relate to Job more than I ever wanted to…
How do I break my pattern of responding in anger to my children? I am desperate to raise them with kindness and love, but it feels like so often my frustrations bubble over and I lash out at them, which hurts my heart more than I can say.
How do I give my husband the things he needs when I’m zapped from a long day with little kids? I don’t know if there’s a day that there is no crying in my house including me! When my husband gets home he gets “dumped” on because I don’t talk to anyone else about the things that my kids do that make me go crazy!
When I feel “desperate” it is when the house feels like chaos…tripping over toys, kids whining or crying, trying to do too many things at once (laundry, entertain kids, cook dinner), how do you get through the day’s “chaos” or is there a way to elimnate chaos?
How can I control whining in my toddler and preschooler?
What do I do when my kids remind me more of those bratty, selfish, demanding kids in the supermarket than my own sweet boys? Do you ever have days like this? So and so can’t stand such and such because he took “MY” paint or “MY” toy. Such and such is rearranging your spice cupboard and vitamin cabinet for the 100th time today, and there is broken glass on the floor and a shard in his eye. He is injury and accident prone and crying when he slams his finger in the door, but he brought in on himself. Will I escape today with my sanity intact? Or will I be the worst version of myself and yell and threaten time-outs all day long? I want to be a good mama, but some days my kids are crazy, and I don’t know where that influence is coming from–most days aren’t like that.
Or another scenario that’s been happening–you wake up to your tenth nightmare of the night, you feel cold, afraid, and alone. Your husband will wake up and pray you through, but the rest of the night it will be you awake alone, singing, praying, doing whatever it takes to get through this dark night of the soul, and hoping and praying God will have mercy and give me, and my family, and the whole world another day to reach lost souls for Christ, to not give up, to hold on to the Great Commission and reach for Spirit-filled leaders like Francis Chan and International Bible Translation Organizations as a means of living out what God intends in this day and age.
I have a 2 year old live-wire boy and I am expecting our second child in February. Other mothers with more kids love to tell me how “easy” I have it. And I’m sure I do, compared to them. But I’ve never been a mom before, and it’s a big learning curve. And some days I am desperate and it’s NOT easy and I have no idea what to do. I have no mentors, but Jesus is a faithful friend and shows me the way.
I struggle most with these two questions:
1. How can I not feel guilty about letting my little guy play by himself? My siblings and I grew up “free range” and I don’t want to follow that trend with my family. I want to engage in their world and activities, but it’s not always practical because stuff needs to be done around the house. And I want my children to grow up to be independent and also to learn to use their imagination and entertain themselves. And yet again, I know I will never have their hearts unless I’m willing to spend time with them and enter their worlds. I often feel guilty even if he is happily coloring or playing with his animals while I am doing dishes and picking up the house.
2. It seems like so many women I know that are awesome mothers aren’t such awesome wives. I want to put my husband first and be there for him. What are practical ways maintain a great relationship and love life during the little years?
I can say “ditto” to the questions about anger and negativity, impatience, lack of grace, etc. I long to be free from that, as I grew up with a Mother who was that way. I never felt that I could ever please her or be “good enough.” By God’s grace, I do not want to be that kind of Mom! I know God can free me from this battle and help me to be the one to break the generational pattern…I’m praying He does! Any insights you have here would be so helpful!
On a somewhat related note, then, is how to ensure that marital conflict does not negatively impact the children, while at the same time trying not to put on a false “there are never any problems in our home” appearance, which just isn’t realistic. We want our children to know that life is hard and we all need God’s grace to make it each day. So…maybe the question is about balancing honesty/transparency/real-ness with the children, while asking for God’s help to not have too much conflict in their presence?
Thanks so much; I can’t wait for the new book!
Many blessings to you in Christ, dear Sister!
How do I give each of my children the time, attention & affection that they need and deserve, and yet keep the household running in order to meet their physical needs as well? How do I find balance and maintain sanity, when I’m pulled in a dozen different directions simultaneously? How do I keep “pouring out” when I feel empty? I have eight precious children whom I love dearly – but I feel like we (I) get so caught up in the details of daily “life” that I’m missing out on the things that are truly important. I’m afraid that one day I will wake up and they’ll be grown, and I’ll have missed out on their childhood. I want to live each day in such a way as to have no regrets. I want my children to have memories of a mommy who took time to look them in the eyes, to listen, to laugh & smile with them… but crying infant twins and potty-training and dirty laundry and meals (“life”!) keeps interrupting those plans.
I didn’t have time to read through all the comments, so I might be repeating someone else’s question in my own words
. What I really struggle with since baby number 2 came, is handling stressfull situations in a calm and godly way. I have been learning so much, but have still got a very long way to go! How do you remain the pillar of strength for you family in the heat of the moment, especially when it FEELS like you cannot help but blow your top? I know there is no short and sweet answer to this question, but I would LOVE to heart it addressed in this book. The desire of my heart is that our God may be greatly glorified in my life and the lives of all that read this. May this book help us to this goal! God bless you 
.
Yes, I so want to hear an answer to this question too! I feel like things are going well, I’m gentle with my kids and then I get stressed… I can so easily get snappy and impatient with my kids. I know I want to be gentle and patient in these moments, but I fail so often.
Kind of answering my own question here a bit, but I do feel God convicting me that it all comes back to my relationship with Him – daily reading His word and praying and asking Him to change me and refine me by the Holy Spirit and to help me yield my will to His.
I tried to read through as many comments as I could so that I wouldn’t be repeating anything, but maybe I am since I didn’t get to read them all.
1. How do I know when the discipline (i.e. training, not referring solely to punishment) that is currently showing no fruit (after being consistent for a long time) is something that I need to hang up and try a new thing OR if I just need to hang in there and trust that with continued effort and trusting in our Savior that it will begin to show fruit?
2. How am I not supposed to feel guilty when I say no to so many good ministry things in favor of staying home with my kids? There are SO many good things out there to be a part of, and I say no to so much. But I feel guilty or feel that I SHOULD be doing one of those good things because I’m “just” a stay at home mom and therefore in others’ minds, I have plenty of time to do all of these things.
3. And finally, I know women crave relationship after being at home all day with little kids. And while I do, I get tired of it all being with moms where all they do is talk about kids, compare them, discuss problems, etc. I know this is the season of life we are in, but I want to gather with other women where we are not feeling that comparison. I struggle enough with that already!
As a homeschooling mother, I am around my children 24/7. Most of this I adore and love. But some days when the attitudes are at their worst and no one wants to love, I just want to throw in the towel even though I know this is where God has led us to be. How can I set my mind so that I am not tempted to give in to their attitudes. How can I purpose in my heart that what I am doing is right even when all outside influences are screaming at me to just take the easy road. I am desperate!!!
How to not be the Holy Spirit to your children. I read that somewhere recently and I can’t remember nor can find what it was that I read.
How do you deal with mental shut down as a mom? I find myself getting overwhelmed by it all that I just mentally shut down during the day, sometimes earlier in the day than I like. I’m finding this leads to a disconnect with not only my son and husband but also inhibits my ability to reach out to others. The mental shutdown is leading me to want to take a physical shut down/escape from my daily life.
I would love to know how to “be still and know” while raising my family. I often feel like God is telling me to rest and be still and honestly, I’ve come to the conclusion that not only do I not know how to do that, but I don’t even know what it means or looks like!
People say that its “normal” to have a messy house with little ones….please tell me there is a way to keep it together and still have fun. The messy house bogs me down and steals my enthusiasm.
I would like to hear some thoughts on this:
How exactly do we learn to rely on God for strength/joy/peace in this time of our lives? (I have three – 22mos, 3yrs, 4yrs and one on the way) I am currently dealing with the fact that my days are smooth and organized if I can get my morning routine (make the bed, get dressed, do a load of laundry, wipe the toilet, etc) done in the morning and then stick to my schedule – but what about the days when I am cranky and exhausted and I just want to curl up with a book and rest? If I let these things slip the kids get crazy with no routine, I yell more, we end up with a messy house, dirty kids and nothing to eat. I have scheduled times of rest in my day, but when it’s a struggle to stay on schedule and remain a pleasant, merciful mommy – what is some advice for leaning on God in that time?
Looking forward to this book
-Heather M
Please include specific advice for single moms….whether single or single for a season (5 day business trips and 6 month or longer deployments).
My husband’s deployment was one of the hardest times of my life. Many of my friends lose their co-parent for a whole week at a time. It’s tough too.
Seems like a Resources Section in the back of the book with best books on organizing, stress and anger management, allergy-free cookbooks, etc. would be helpful.
Please address PRIDE. It seems to be a theme in many questions. Am I the only one who sees that? How do we let go of pride!
Would you consider a section on ADD mothering? Either ADD caused by genetics or the kind caused by lack of sleep!
So many great questions already posted that I can relate to. I am a mom of 3 small ones. I think I am feeling most desperate in the areas of maintaining joy in the mundane. It seems I am just doing the same tasks over and over and never really getting anywhere as far as the household chores. How does a mom keep close to Jesus in this demanding season when she just does not have enough hands for all the work there is. How does a mom stay a joyful, loving wife and not grow angry with her husband when it seems so much of the burden is on her? How does a mom of young children stay joyful in serving when she is desperate for a break? Practical ideas for maintaining a home. I relate to the comment above that clutter and messes drag me down. I try to let things go but if I let things go to much it adds stress to our lives and to my husband when our small house becomes to messy. I am in the situation where due to health issues and food allergies I have to cook all our food everyday, there are not many shortcut options in the kitchen. So balancing cooking a lot, homeschooling, housecleaning etc. keeps my days very full and not much time for outside activities, it is easy to feel like I am not “doing” something important. How does a mom with young children keep her heart where God wants it…what exactly does God want of me during this season of my life? Practical ways to discipline young ones with grace and yet train them as I should. How to respond rather than react in the stresses. Thank you for surveying us moms as your write this book. Thank you for encouraging young moms we are desperate for encouragement!!!!!
My question is in regard to priorities as a stay at home mom. Our family is praying through considering mission work at the moment. We have 2 little ones at the moment and I feel like my energy is all used up at home. Currently I try to show hospitality, provide meals for those in need e.g. new baby, and try to be available to people. But I am not doing much ‘officially’ at church. (Which is a change from my earlier years of being more involved). I’m ok with this at the moment and this season of life. But as we consider mission it will take more of my time, which is less time for the kids. E.g. me needing to language learn, attend conferences and have the kids in kids programs. But mission (or ministry) is a priority too. Sally, obviously you and Clay have managed your Wholeheart ministry whilst also raising a family. How do you balance and work out priorities of family and mission/ministry without making one an idol over the other?
How to develop a gentle, meek, patient spirit and have joy. My children are 11, 9, 7, 5, 3, 1, and I am expecting any day. My husband works a lot and I am with them constantly. I feel so drained and I continuously snap, yell, and show anger and annoyance. I am not the mom I want to be. I know I am not showing them Christ’s love, mercy, grace, etc. I confess, I apologize, I resolve in my heart and ask the Lord for help. Then I speak again. It is a cycle I do not know how to break. It is draining for me to feel like a failure all the time and I know I am doing the same thing to my children. They must feel they are never good enough so why try. I just want to change. I want to be Christ to them. I want to treat them like the blessings they are.
How about advice for mothers of special needs children (mild to severe.)
Thanks so very much.
Hi Sally,
This may not be a question for your book, but I do have a question for you and not sure how to contact you?
I read your book “The Mission of Motherhood” and loved it! Thanks for your encouragement and godly wisdom. I remember you mentioning in your book a couple of times that you spent many nights up with Joy who had asthma.
I have a 3 year old with asthma, recently diagnosed and we are working out how to treat it. I was interested what you did for treatment – more natural approaches? All I hear about is this drug or that drug, but I am weary of these. Any advice?
I just have questions about balance…. between homeschool, cleaning, cooking, laundry, diapers- I just dont feel there is enough of me.
Do have some practical ways to include children three and under in your daily chores? And how long to expect them to stick with you on the job?
So many of the questions above are right where I am at. I have two more as well:
My children are 9 & 7 and we have one on the way. I am so concerned about the age gap that we are going to have. How do I foster genuine friendship, respect, love and just plain fun amongst my children with big age differences?
Also, I would love to hear any words of wisdom for the really hard-hitting, overwhelming times: not just the day-to-day stress, but the times when the world is crashing down around you and everything is so uncertain. (just as an example… I’m 7 months pregnant, homeschooling, have numerous health issues, no family support and recently found out we may need to make a decision about making yet another move across the country within the next month and I have no idea what God wants us to do….). How do I stay strong and continue to hear God’s voice when everything that is overwhelming me seems so big?
Thanks so much. Praying for you as you finish this wonderful book.
How do you resolve conflict between your children? What does that look like in your home?
Mom of three Boys
“…And a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17b
If I could be a fly on the wall of the Clarkson home…. The scene I most desire to see is when the boys were between the ages of 8 & 11. The moment I would like to observe is when selfishness is being thrown about. When the boys were considering their own needs above anyone else. To see Sally mothering in this time.
This is where I feel desperate….