spotty or
striped?
quiet or loud? Intellectual or artistic? orderly or inspirational? driven or gentle? Humorous or serious?
“Do not be conformed to the world, but be transformed.” Romans 12: 1
Perhaps you prefer one type of personality, but all personalities are holy to the Lord.
God gave me two introverts and two extroverts and a variety of different issues in between to shepherd. He expanded my soul and stretched me by challenging me to look at them from His eyes.
We live in a world that values conformity. We want to use our force, our power, our authority to make people, and our children, fit into the box. Be good. Be tame. Be moral. Don’t bring attention to yourself. Don’t contend or question what the norm.
I remember a time when Nathan had brought some boys home from a class he was taking. A mile high pile of chocolate chip cookies, just out of the oven, was the enticement for them to stay around in my kitchen and jabber. One of the boys always called me, “Dude, mama.” From him, it was a compliment. I had attained approval.
As they were talking, they said, “We thought Nathan was so weird when he first came into our class. He walked up to the teacher and introduced himself and said he was looking forward to being in the class. We all thought, ‘Everyone knows you don’t speak to a teacher in front of everyone else.”
He then went on to say, “All of us learned by third grade to fit in, don’t do anything that would call attention to yourself or you would be bullied by the whole group, all of your peers gang up against anyone who is different—everyone is supposed to fit in. So when Nathan comes and doesn’t care what people think and makes friends with everyone, even the teachers, it blew our grid of norm.”
Nathan called me yesterday and said, “Hey, guess what, I got a new commercial with Nike! Keep praying, mom. God is opening doors.”
This from the child who never fit into the box–always dreamed of something bigger, some way to influence the world. We are still waiting to see and spending time on our knees, but if I had followed the advice of those in the world who just knew God’s will, and told me to spank Nathan more, to make him fit in, I would never have seen God’s will, would never had known the story of God shaping a young man’s soul to be passionate for Him, to have the courage to dream, and to love him unconditionally with his stripes and spots–just as God had made him.
You will love his guest post today at : http://www.themobsociety.com/ (OCD, ADHD, ADD, ODD–a boy)
You will love his book (buying it supports his dreams–from a mother!:)) Nathanjclarkson.wordpress.com
fortunately for me, my pastor husband was one of the voices telling me not to react to one of my daughters who was “different”. fortunately, i DID listen to him and not other voices trying to drown him out around me.
now she is grown (almost 40) with 3 daughters of her own who are lively (to say the least!). she has a PhD in dev. psych from a liberal university and knows how to live in a world i never could have. her husband is in international finance. the people with whom she crosses paths comfortably amaze me.
it also amazes me how straight she talks to them, yet how kind she is when they are in grief! talk about watching God work! it is Amazing Grace and beyond!
Sally, I just LOVE this post!! And it comes with perfect timing. There is a small group of us doing a book study with your book The Ministry of Motherhood – and we are on the gift of inspiration right now!! I have been praying for God to give me a glimpse of why He created my children…and to help me plant Jer. 29:11 deep into their souls…and to help them know that God created them for a special purpose. I just love reading about your children and their uniqueness. It gives me much hope for my children someday!!
I read his post and it was so encouraging. I am a mom to one of THOSE boys. He is 5 and he delights my heart but he wears me out to. I wish you would write a book – or some post about how you did guide Nathan. Because my husband and I don’t want him to conform but we also want him to learn consequences and responsibility and with him we just don’t know when to push and pull. So real life examples and principles would help a ton.
Sally,
Thank you for your insightful words. I think of all the dear boys, who were “spanked more,” and I want to weep. Always thankful that to heeded the call to home school, to spank less, and pray for God’s grace and mercy in raising my children. I am filled with the blessing seeing them both love the Lord, and seek to draw nearer to Him every day. Your books and messages have help to guide me on the way. Blessings to you and your family.
Hi Sally,
I read Nathan’s post this morning and it touched my heart. I met you in the spring at your conference in Raleigh and I spoke to you briefly about my “Nathan”, also known as Owen. Owen started school this year and it has been rough at best. I have heard all the OCD, ADHD, ADD and ODD and at the end of the day he is just a boy. A 5 year old boy who is more of everything than most children. He stands out and I love him for it. At 5 I can already see that he will not just accept something because someone says it is so. He was to explore and discover his own truths. And while I am struggling with him at the present moment, I find hope in knowing God matched us perfectly for a reason probably more so for my refinement than his. Thank you for everything you have openly discussed about Nathan. It truly helps us moms who are just starting this journey of not fitting in.
Our mom’s group met last night and a sweet mom asked the question, “How do you make them obey?” We are sudying the The Mission of Motherhood, we were on chapter 4. I started sharing about the need to train and retrian, take them to God’s word, be patient, model good behaviors for them. One of the other mom’s spoke up and talked about spanking. She gave good examples and said young children are not ready for reasoning. Funny, I just realized we are all mom’s of boys!! Anyway, I left the meeting feeling uneasy. I woke up this morning a read psalms and wrote a lengthy reply to the questions swirling in my mind.
My friend & I had a chance to talk today and she said, “These young moms are looking for practical answers. It’s great for them to look ahead but they need help for where they are at.”
I told her I used to the give the same advice she gives, but the Bible does not give us A + B = C answers for discipling our children. I feel yucky.
Michelle
Thank you, thank you, thank you! When I’m struggling most with my out-of-the-box child I remember your words and I look at who your son is now and I’m so encouraged! Our role as a parent is not to get them to conform but to help train them to be who God created them to be. I feel like there are two camps out there. One basically says, “beat them into submission” the other says, “boys will be boys and just let them be”. This is the perfect balance. It is not passively sitting back and letting them remain out of control but it’s not about correcting every offense and breaking that strong will, which can instead be trained to used the way God intended!
Sally, thank you for sharing recently about your challenging unique personalities! It is so encouraging to me. And Nathan, thank you for allowing your mom to share! My “Nathan” is a girl, Noah Beth.
Thank you for sharing. I so wish I had read something like this when my 12yo was little. I listened to the elders who “knew God’s will” and spanked more and listened less. I have all but destroyed the gift and hope it can be redeemed. I have others a bit younger. Hope I can figure out how to do it better.
hard, but good read for me today–needed it–thank you
Thank you, thank you. Just read Nathan’s post as well and it certainly speaks to my heart. I have a “Nathan” and he is 4 (I am a mum of 3 boys and this beloved one is in the middle). I’m sad to say I have sometimes parented and corrected him because of the looks I am getting from others and I don’t want that to continue. He is very much like I was as a child and I felt like I was “handled” and still find it hard to remind myself to be who I am in God and not worry if I am different than others – but rather embrace it. I don’t want my boys to live in fear and I certainly don’t want to change their personality. I am welling up with tears as I write this because I am remembering all the great things about my boy. I remember a little while ago just watching him and seeing what distracted him and why he didn’t come when he was called. He actually did set off straight away when I called him, but then a butterfly flew across his path and he had to chase that for a while. Three more amazing discoveries fought for his attention before he finally arrived in front of me.
Thanks again for the timely post. I am actually trying to track down Clay’s book “Heartfelt Discipline”, as I read an excerpt the other day and knew I need to get hold of this book. Do you know who stocks it in Australia? Blessings to you, Amanda.
THANK YOU, Sally! I’m in the midst of dealing with my Nathan. She’s my out-of-the-box 5-year-old girl. We have had a blast with her the first 5 years and now that she is attending a cottage program two days and I homeschool the rest, problems are arising about her ability to sit in a classroom, frustration over not getting to finish a project before moving on to the next and such. I have to say, lately I’ve lost my joy of motherhood and our home has not been a happy one. I find myself constantly searching for answers to make her fit in that box. I’ve completely worn myself, my husband and the life of our family out! Your post is timely. Was there ever a time that you wondered if Nathan would ever do well in a classroom environment? Thank you!
Thanks Sally, loved Nathan’s post on MOB, nice to “meet” another synesthete! And I always love your writing too and the pictures you choose to go with it.
Love & Hope Always
Oh Sally, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see you just say it straight out that we’re not called to force our children into conformity and spank them into submission. I look at my highly spirited, highly sensitive girls and know their spirits would have been crushed long ago in some other families. I thank God so much and so often for showing me a better way.
Not sure if you’ll see this, but to the mom who posted asking for practical tools, please come check out the forums at GentleChristianMothers.com. The wisdom and tools there have changed my life and my relationship with God in profound ways–and I don’t say that in exaggeration or in a figurative way.