I’ve had many opportunities to talk with sweet moms all over the world during my life. Often after giving a talk or hosting a conference, I’ll be approached by a woman whose face tells me of her internal struggle even before she begins speaking. Though it’s difficult to find the time, I always want to listen and extend a loving arm to these precious ladies who are trying so hard to do the right thing for their children.
One particular afternoon after a mom’s tea, when most of the moms had departed to pick up their little ones from the nursery, I noticed one who had stayed behind. She obviously wanted our conversation to remain between us, but the confusion she poured out from her heart was a story I hear so often.
I feel so confused, and I’m desperately hoping you can help me,” she said, diving right in as she sat down. “I’m a new Christian, and I didn’t have a very good foundation in life–as a matter of fact, I was just left to myself to discover what I thought was true about life, morality, and values. I made a lot of mistakes and have a lot of emotional scars from the choices I made. I decided I didn’t want my children to be scarred like I was, so I wanted to do a better job with them. I feel like I am starting this journey of motherhood already miles behind because I have nothing in my background that would show me the way to walk this journey.
Because I didn’t have my own beliefs, I feel that now I am subject to whatever I hear. I will read one book and it says to discipline in a certain way. Though it feels harsh, I will try to practice these theories for awhile. Then I will hear a speaker or read another book that teaches the opposite but also sounds reasonable. I’m tempted to think I have ruined my children and think I need to go in yet another direction! How is a mom to know what to do?!”
Does this sound familiar to you?
If you didn’t grow up in a home centered on Jesus, please know you’re certainly not alone. There are many, many moms out there who find themselves in those shoes. In my own life, my relationship with Jesus truly began in earnest when I was in college. When my own children came into my life, I knew I wouldn’t be able to rely on my past to tell me how to raise them. There was only one place to go to find out how to be a mom: God’s Word.
As I discovered what it looked like to read God’s word, pray about my child, my situation, I began to see that God had created me, and all women, with the ability to understand how to walk forward, one day at a time, in relationship with my children to provide them with what they needed.
As an author, I am limited in my wisdom and encouragement as all authors and speakers are human and subject to error. Yet, I wrote the Mission of Motherhood, not to give a formula or a set of rules for women to follow, but seeking to point them to seek God, to His word, seeking to give a Biblical foundation of what God had in mind when HE created women to be moms who will teach the next generation about Him. Ministry of Motherhood speaks of Jesus’ plan for discipleship with principles that I followed from scripture with my own children. We have great freedom to live out God’s design within the unique confines of our own personality and family story–and each will be a unique picture of His glory in our home.
Understanding Biblical foundations and pondering His word give freedom to be yourself in your home, to live into your God-crafted role, and to watch the Spirit of God shape your children’s hearts for Him in your own way within your unique home.God’s word gives honor to individuality and to the glory of walking with Him by faith.
In the absence of Biblical conviction, people will go the way of culture. And people who know better than to follow culture will usually try to find a list of rules to follow! The problem is, children don’t read parenting books. And parenting books don’t read your children! So no one else can tell you the best way to raise the child God has put in your house, with these issues, and these talents, in this season of your own life. God delights in whispering wisdom and understanding about your own family puzzle into your own heart.
The only one who can show you how to be a great mom is your Father. Will you ask Him, today?
So good, Sally. It took me way too many years to realize that my family needed to be led by the Holy Spirit, not what Parenting Guru flavor of the month says!
THANK YOU, Sally. Just, THANK YOU.
If there were a formula, we wouldn’t need to depend on Him to raise our children! This has been the most comforting thing to me as I go through Motherhood. Especially when I feel like I fail. I go back to this over and over and over. DEPEND on Him, LEAN on Him! You are always a great reminder of this as well, Sally! I don’t know what I would have done without the guidance in your books! You’ve taught me sooooooooooo much! Mostly what I lacked in my home to be able to pass to my children! You’ve made me strive to be a better mother!
Oh Sally, hard day here. Darrin’s grandfather is dying. His mom is alone and feels overwhelmed. We are living forever far away and living as missionaries. Thanks to everyone for their prayers.
I’m finally coming to understand what you wrote in the post today in a more real way than ever. I am that lady who made her own way in life, often a way filled with sorrow. Then as a Christian mom I tried to follow that list of rules, only to find a different kind of sorrow. Jesus is the only way. Thank you for being so faithful to encourage us. Please don’t stop.
Many Hugs,
Michelle
I absolutely love this post. It is something my oldest child and I have been discussing this summer. He is 3 days away from turning 8 years old and has started to notice that other families do things different then our family. He has a really sweet heart and we have a close relationship. There were a couple of things his friends were doing that we are allowing him to do as a result of our conversations and other things we are not going to do. Then he realized we have some benefits at our house that many of his friends don’t have. We have invested a lot of time getting to know our children, getting know God’s word, and we are still learning how to live out Biblical family life in a uniquely Vanderhoof way every day along beside our children. We have been blessed with some truly wonderful boys.
I’m a relatively new mom, with twin 16 month olds. If there is one thing I have appreciated about you, Sally, it is that you don’t teach one way of mothering. As I’ve watched some of my friends around me get stuck in a certain method of parenting it never feels right to me. I don’t want to get stuck doing something that may or may not be right for my family/children. I want to be led by the Spirit and walk in obedience. I’ve gleaned some great tools from some parenting methods but I don’t follow one certain thing strictly!
so encouraging!!
Absolutely beautiful Sally! Such wise and loving words, thank you for sharing such Biblical encouragement for our mothering hearts!
YES, I will ask Him today, all day, over and over and over!
“In the absence of Biblical conviction, people will go the way of culture. ”
Sally this is one of the reasons I adore and love you so much! My mom left when I was 3 and I ran from being a mommy because of so many insecurities and fears. When I first stayed home I didn’t read any books only the Bible and followed the convictions of the Holy Spirit…your books are the first I’ve read since that book fast and your books and blog posts confirm what God has been teaching me these 2 years. I am so thankful for you! I recommend your books to other mom’s because you always point to the One who equips us through the power of His Holy Spirit! God is drawing moms to Himself and He’s using you powerfully….i am praying someone asks Him today based on this blog post you wrote.
Sally,
Thank you for your kind words and for creating an easy place to glean godly wisdom. I’m a pastor’s wife and homeschooling mom to two very energetic little boys. We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary with a two-nights-away little trip…it was so difficult to come home!
This summer I’ve been thinking/praying about this exact topic that you wrote about, “Who can tell us how to mother our children?” Those were almost my exact words in my journal, wishing there was guidance for my exact situation, which at times feels incredibly unique. And, I’ve felt there have been too many days in recent months like I don’t really know how to lead our sweet boys, feeling sort of end-of-the-rope-ish, and I-don’t-think-I-want-to-do-another-season-like-this-ish. And I, too, have gone looking so many times for advice, to books, blogs, etc., so easily “swayed by the wind.” Rather exhausting.
I feel like God has been telling me in His whispering way to ask Him for wisdom to know how to mother and bring up our boys. Your post is confirmation to what I feel He has been telling me the whole time, “God delights in whispering wisdom and understanding about your own family puzzle into your own heart.” I also was encouraged when you wrote, “I began to see that God had created me, and all women, with the ability to understand how to walk forward, one day at a time, in relationship with my children to provide them with what they needed.” Thats the part I’m still seeking, and it is encouraging to remember that He will give me the ability to understand how to walk forward each day in relating with my children. He surely is a good God, and I’m so thankful that He hears us when we cry out to Him. I pray He will strengthen our hearts as mothers, and remind us daily how close He really is.
When our first son was born, my husband bought me your book, Ministry of Motherhood. We were both involved in Nav. ministry in college. I spent a summer at the Glen for NCP. Recently another blogger led me to your site, and the dots kind of connected a bit. Thank you for your blog, your books and your ministry. It refreshes my heart!
Amy
Sally, what u share is so true.. over here in Asia. we have so many first gen Christians and we dont have any models often.
i did find this book: Raising the Christian Family you never had by Mary DeMuth.
at the heart of it though; let us help each other remember we are not orphans but have a heavenly father who cares intimately and will lead us if we are willing to follow. Mothering has given me a closer walk with God for sure and I am so grateful for the many times I felt like a lone parent and know I am not going it alone! From specfic ideas to Spirit-alerts that hold me back ..Father God has always been around!
Pl pray for your sisters in Asia!
Thank you, Sally. I am so encouraged tonight to read these posts, esp. Who Can Tell You How to Mother. I recently had the unfortunate conversation with my own mother, to please come to me when she wants to correct any of our 4 children, but esp. Jacob, our youngest, who is 10yrs. old, has dyslexia, and sensory integration disorder. Needless to say, it turned ugly, and I left her very upset and hurt that she wouldn’t meet me on that boundary I requested of her. I am truly gifted with this fearfully & wonderfully made family, esp. the last child who has special needs. It’s only by the Holy Spirit that I was able to stand up and confront her in love to back off and let me parent my son the way that he needs to go. I wish it was different, but trusting God will help us reconcile in time. Right now I am grieving that I can’t count on her support, but know that I am an advocate of grace to myself, my son and my Mother, because of Jesus and the Grace He so generously gives.