Formulas Don’t always Work, but they can sure make us feel like we are accomplishing something!
In this chapter of Desperate, we are touching the issues that so many moms talk about–if I could just find the right book or formula to answer all of my situations. However, this search for the magic bullet can only end in frustration, as God did not design this as the answer to our questions in mothering.
Do you ever have voices in your head?
A good mom would…..fill in the blank.
My children were potty trained by 12 months, and if you were disciplined, you would do the same..
My children never whine, yours always do….
You should keep a cleaner house if you were really committed.
You are too lenient on your children, you need to spank them more.
You are too harsh with your children, and you will cause them to rebel…..
And on and on and on.
I used to hear voices and almost all of them made me feel condemned, as though I wasn’t mothering the right way or doing the right things enough.
And then there were these 4 children of mine, differing in personality and different heart issues, different developmental time frames. So many issues that I just thought if I knew the right rule or had a better day timer or the right book or curriculum, I would get it right!
And then with all the letters I receive, there are so many days I would like to be able to offer blanket advice to everyone I meet.
If you do things just so, it will all turn out all right and your children will obey happily and walk with God and never do anything wrong. Wouldn’t that be dreamy?
It seems to me that there are many wisdom principles in scripture, but very, very little advice of an exact nature. God is vague on so many issues–intentionally so! He gives us great freedom to live into our own personalities, our own puzzle and to apply wisdom in our own creative ways.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying not to train your children. God very specifically gave us so much wisdom to follow and laws that would protect us and guide us–but they were few.
He tells us to speak to our children every day about Him–the great shema of scripture in Deuteronomy 6:4-9:
Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.“
He tells us to train up our children in the way they should go. And evidently a lot of training is just talking–throughout the day according to what the issue of the moment is–at night when they go to bed and are asking questions. In the day when they are learning about work, relationships, truth. We are to have His words on our own heart and then from our heart we will teach them out of a well of wisdom that comes from what our own heart is cherishing–His words. Wisdom personalized every day, according to the need of the moment.
He gives us a commandment to teach our children; that they must honor their mother and father. He tells us in Ephesians to raise up our children in the training and instruction of the Lord.
But He does not ever say, “Spank for 45 minutes. Carry a paddle or switch in your purse to be sure you don’t miss any offense or you will be responsible for their demise.” (I am so grateful He doesn’t correct every single sin or immature act I perform or I would just give up now!)
He doesn’t say, “Quiet times are so much more effective before 7 in the morning” or “Women have no ability to teach young men.” (Have you seen Proverbs 8 or 9 or read about Timothy?)
Or “You can tell a woman’s spirituality by looking at whether their drawers are neat and clean on the inside.” (Really? What chapter and verse is that?)
He doesn’t even say “All children will learn best if they study Latin or Hebrew.” (Whew!)
I often have women who say, “How did you raise your children? What rules did you keep? Why do they love you and love the Lord and how did you teach them to trust you?”
As far as I can tell, scripture tells us that it is faith, not works, that pleases God. (Hebrews 11:6)
Your family is your own particular puzzle. God has given you those children, that husband, that home and community, in this time. And no one else can tell you exactly what you ought to do in it! But He is faithful and He desires to help and instruct you as you walk with Him. A list of rules and regulations to follow–do things this way, every time, with every child, in every circumstance!–would only serve as a separation between you and your need to communicate and obey His personal instructions to you.
We have great freedom in Christ. Don’t give it up for a yoke of slavery to any thing, any one, or any set of rules! Being a great mom is not about rules or formula–it is more like a dance–moving to the rhythms of life, listening and paying attention to the mood of the music in your children’s lives and choreographing wisdom as the words to the song.
Your God is truly bigger than a rule, wilder and cannot be tamed and He wants us to walk this adventure by faith and celebrating life within the bounds of our own personalities and those of our husbands and children.
Look for His voice, not the voices of others, and you will find yourself growing in contentment, grace and even joy.
What are some of the formulas you have followed that have led to legalism?
What area do you most wish you had a formula to apply?
Do you struggle with “the voices”? How do you replace these voices with real wisdom?
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I do struggle with the voices. It’s this cycle that won’t seem to end. We pray and listen to the Lord about the ways He has for our family. I feel confident in following His paths for just us and then I begin to compare and worry that we are not measuring up to those around us or to the expectations of others. I question every decision. I wish I could just cling to those moments ~ the ones where I know beyond a shadow of doubt that we are on His paths for us, that when it’s time to bring in new ways, He will let our hearts know.
With Homeschool conventions looming, I find I’m not excited for the first time. We will be attending two in different states as vendors. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about all the different ideas and approaches. Oh, heart be content.
I have felt that exact smae way about conference…so on a couple particular years where I felt like I wasn’t secure in ‘me’ I did NOT go to conference…that way I didn’t complare what I was doing to what so and so was…it did help. With the internet you can research sooooo much and read reviews while never seeing anyone.
What are some of the formulas you have followed that have led to legalism?
I think maybe I leaned earlier on into the big family/homeschooling “pattern” a bit too much because I didn’t really know what I was doing as a mother. Thankfully, the Lord is slowly showing me how much freedom there is in following JESUS CHRIST and His Word and not man.
What area do you most wish you had a formula to apply?
I think sometimes I wish I had more of a formula for marriage (although if I really search the Word – there IS so much wisdom for that! I just need to believe and choose to do it!)
Do you struggle with “the voices”? How do you replace these voices with real wisdom? I have to consciously make an effort to replace the voices with the Word. This is very hard at times, because first of all, I have to even RECOGNIZE what I’m listening to! If I do still & quiet my heart enough to question the “voices”, then I can combat and challenge what they are saying with the Word.
I think for me the main way to resist legalism and all the confusion and headaches is to stay deep into the Bible, meditate on it, and continually be praying and talking with the Lord! I love trees…especially willow trees and the pictures in Jeremiah 17:7 &8 and Psalm 1:3 have been so crucial for me recently. Just to see myself as that tree and it’s roots needing to go down and DRAW UP life-giving strength and wisdom from my powerful Source!!!!
Oh how we need Him!
Question, how do you teach children to honor?
The truth I need every single day!!! Thank you!
The Lord truly does give us grace to be who He created us to be! He absolutely doesn’t give us grace to be anyone else.
This lesson has taken years for me to begin learning. But O the freedom when I can embrace this truth. The Lord is good and His plan for us is wonderful and different! Lord, for grace to trust His plan!
Wow! This post couldn’t have had better timing. I just got off the phone with a dear friend after discussing this very topic for a while.
I get so weary of all the voices I hear telling me to be a true Christian I must do this or that-to be a good mom-to be a good homeschooler, etc. And when I do make a decision, the voices from the other side of the argument begin almost immediately. There is so much conflicting advice out there that it seems one can never do the right thing.
Being reminded that I must follow God’s word and His leading for my unique life and family is just what I needed to hear today. He is good and faithful to lead us in the way that He wants us to go if we will only seek Him instead of listening to all the voices out there. His is the only voice that truly matters.
Thaks for the encouragement today.
Blessings
Melanie
I wish there for a formula guaranteeing my children would choose to follow Christ. It becomes it’s own idol. Instead of walking by faith, I try to force the spiritual life.
This is a lovely post, and I really enjoyed chapter three of Desperate too. Thank you.
I was at the conference in Irvine this past weekend and was moved by all of the questions thrown out to you and Clay during your Q and A time. They all sounded as though they were rooted in the search for a formula. However, the more I think on these precious moms, the more I understand desperate cries such as “could you act out an example…?” It was funny to see you two fumble through that one!
But would all love to know what gracious parenting looks like. We have come to accept that we have all fallen short and praise God for His Grace in all things (especially our mothering during this season of life) and we accept that there’s no one sure-fire formula where 1+2=perfect children. It’s grace… all day, every day, poured out grace. But when there are so many little ones and we feel entirely worn thin, and the misdeeds come at rapid fire, we sometimes lose sight of what grace lived out with young ones looks like.
And so I see that that is what the women were crying out for. Pictures! Pictures!
You are famous for posting lovely, inspiring pictures painted of mothers with their young. But your words as you describe loving and caring and being kind during hard days are also pictures that sooth our souls and prepare us to love well.
I’m starting to see the difference between desiring a formula and wanting to be edified by pictures of grace-in-the-hard.
Thank you for all the pictures you bless us with. Thank you.
Thank you for wonderful post Sally!
The voice in my head most of the time says: I don’t know what to do, it is so hard!
And i wish i had a formula or manual for my 3 year old son. He does not speak, does not like communicate with people at all, but we are convinced thatGod wants us to homeschool him. Health advisors are literally pushing us to diagnose him and put him in nursery…Homeschooling is literally the opposite of what he “needs”…I am torn between my convictions as christian mom and advice from “specialists”.
Maybe there is mom that has went through this and has some wisdom for me?
Milly,
My son is diagnosed with high functioning autism. We homeschool him and have for the past 2 years. He was in public school for pre-k, kindergarten, and first grade. We have always taken it one year at a time with schooling, doing what we feel God leading us to do and what is best for our child and family, regardless of what doctors and specialists recommend. If you would like to email me and share more in detail, I will be happy to lend a listening ear and tell you more about our journey. debbiemfowler@gmail.com
The voices in my head usually says I am not doing enough. They will fail for lack of more. The only way to overcome this voice is replace it with Jesus’s voice. My sheep know my voice and a stranger I will not follow. I choose to find the Spirits lead for the day and know that what he has shown me to do is enough. There will always be a voice. Just choose His and we cant go wrong.
This is why finding your books several years ago was such a breath of fresh air for me.
For the first time, I felt like I was able to really just love my boys with grace and patience…not be so wound up in all the “rules” from parenting books and classes.
Looking to Jesus and seeing His compassionate, gentle example, freed me up and has brought so much more joy and peace to our family!
I agree! Sally’s books are so freeing!
seriously!! i have a hard time trying to even skim other “parenting” book because so much is laced with guilt & rules!! so grateful that God lead me to Sally’s blog..i still don’t even know how…but as a momma of 3 under 3 with no prior Christian upbringing or being around little ones, this has been beyond refreshing & helpful!! THanks Sally for all you do!!
Dear Mrs. Clarkson,
Before the book arrived at my door by international post, I admit, although i knew it was being silly, that I felt a little cheated for not having found a mentor like you when I was a truly desperate and very lonely young mother of two baby boys in a foreign land. But as I finished Chapter 3 this morning, my pouting gave way to joy to learn that by accepting being “different” in many of the ways you’ve described I was actually doing my best to follow my heart and my traditions. Despite often failing miserably in the exhausting early years of motherhood, I have never stopped trying to listen to God’s voice in the still of my heart. Now I rest more in myself and savor daily moments with my exuberant boys. Thanking You and Sarah Mae. Looking forward to Chapter 4.
I don’t have an answer to the questions above, but the post is very timely for me. My first child has just entered the toddler phase and I feel so desperate for someone to tell me the right way to parent him. No one is pressuring me, I just feel the tremendous weight of the responsibility of parenthood and I feel that this age is so formative. I don’t want to miss my chance to get it right. I think some of that recognition is a good thing, to take my responsibility seriously. But some of it is also fear. I need answers and guidance and I’m afraid it will be too late before I find them. But I am learning that God wants me to feel desperate sometimes so that I seek him and not just “answers” from other people. I still feel a little desperate for wisdom and am waiting for God to make good on his promise to give it to those who ask, but I know that he does lead me moment by moment. As much as I’d like him to tell me the plan a little longer in advance, he gives my daily manna. I just had a sweet moment tonight with my son after God convicted me that I had been too harsh with him today, and I felt like I should go apologize to him even though he was in his crib almost asleep and probably wouldn’t understand me. We got to reconnect with cuddles and songs in the dark, and he was pretty happy, maybe just to get more playtime unexpectedly- he thought everything I did was hilarious. I haven’t seen him giggle that much (without being tickled) in a while. It wasn’t perfect- he hit me at one point, and then cried when play time was over, but it was still sweet, and I think it was an important moment for me as a mother to follow the Spirit’s promptings and connect with my son in the ways he leads me each moment. Can’t deny I’d still like the formula, though.
What voices do I hear? The voice of my mother, whose philosophy was spank first, then give us a guilt trip, then ask questions, who says I should spank more, keep a cleaner house, put the children in school. The voice of uncertainty. I’ve been homeschooling for four years, yet still feel inadequate many days. I wonder if my son has dysgraphia. I wonder if my daughter is on the autism spectrum. I feel helpless to help them in those areas. The voice of fear. For about two years now I have had mild panic attacks when driving more than five miles from our home. I’ve done it, but it’s a struggle. And I don’t know why they’re coming. The voice of guilt. I’m not praying enough. That’s why I feel so overwhelmed. But the one voice I have trouble hearing is God’s. I know He’s speaking to me, but I am unable to hear.