Pimen Nikitich Orlov 1845
In the past couple of weeks, I have met on a couple of different occasions with sweet women who have opened their hearts. Both, mature, loving, committed to ideals and holding fast to investing their lives in their children and marriage, but both experiencing such isolation and loneliness.
In our culture at this time in history, it is very easy to feel alone, especially when one feels called to focus her time and life on raising godly children, making a home that is the center of life and cultivating spirituality intentionally.
The pressures that come with 24 hour a day children in the home, the housework, the messes, the education of each child and the load of work associated with these ideals can deplete a woman constantly.
It is why Clay and I are seeking to develop small groups of women based around common ideals and why we are hoping to build a network of these women. We need time to laugh and love and have fun and share our deepest struggles and challenge each other to ideals–and to feel that someone in the world “gets” you, loves you and will pray for you.
My sweet friend, Andrea Birch, agreed to share a wonderful article about the need for friends, in light of these personal issues in our lives. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. You can find her at flourishingmother.blogspot.com
Today I was feeling lonely. So I emailed one of my good friends and asked her for some words of encouragement. She was quick to respond and let me know I was loved.
Yesterday I talked with a good friend who has a 6 week old. Earlier, she had texted me and said she felt like she was “underwater”. I knew she needed encouragement so I called her and we talked about trusting the Lord with our children and learning the “art of letting go”.
This past weekend I got to spend 3 nights and 3 days with two lovely bloggers turned real life friends Aimee and Laurel. We rented a cabin in the mountains of North Carolina and just talked and ate and slept and talked and talked some more. We stayed up until 1:30 am every night talking and laughing and even crying. I came back from the weekend refreshed with a renewed purpose in my mothering role.
Mothers need friendships in their lives to encourage, uplift, refresh, and battle the loneliness that can come with our role. Because our culture is one that can devalue the high calling of motherhood, it is hard to find that everyday encouragement in our role. Often times getting together with women incites a complaining fest about husbands or children. We are hard-pressed to find women who praise us and exhort our “job”. Often times when I am out with my five children, instead of words of encouragement, I get an exasperated “God bless you!” with a hint of “why would you ever have so many children?”
For these reasons, I have to be intentional and purposeful about building a support system and really “cultivating” relationships.
Webster’s dictionary describes the word “cultivate” as this:
“to promote or improve the growth of by labor and attention”, “to devote oneself to”, “to seek to promote or foster” and “to seek the acquaintance or friendship of”. All of these definitions are very clear. “Cultivate” is not a passive activity. It is one that takes work and attention and care.
God made me, personally, as someone who longs for deep connection. Not all of us feel that need so deeply. However, God did create us for intimate relationship. First and foremost with Him, and then with each other. To say, “I don’t need those kind of friendships in my life” is essentially saying, “I don’t want to be intimate in that way.” But God created us that way! Whether you “feel” it or not, God created humans to desire and have intimacy with Him and with each other.
The mothering role is so demanding. It is quite honestly, non-stop. That is why I am using the word “cultivate” when it comes to friendships. It is a gentler way of saying “ slow down, be intentional” about the relationships and people God has put in your life. Mothers sometimes forget that they themselves need to be filled up in order so their husbands and children can receive the overflow.
Mothers need a support system in their life to really help them live the abundant life. Sally has spoken many times about the support system she has intentionally put in place because she needed it help her be a better mother. Female friendships in our life honor Him because they help us encourage each other to be the mother and person the Lord would have us be.
It is so easy to get caught up in our daily lives that we forget other people that God has intentionally placed in our lives. In order for those relationships to thrive, we must spend time and energy on them. This means consciously thinking about how we can minister to them, pray for them, help them, and just be a friend to them.
There are different kinds of friendships in our lives. A good friend of mine told me “all mothers need a mentoring friendship in their life.” Someone who has the luxury and gift of encouraging and exhorting us, who has had the experience of being a mother longer than us, and whose children are a few years older than ours. If you are that mother, whom can you mentor? If you need that mentoring relationship, then whom in your community could you ask to mentor you? This could be as simple as just meeting with this mother on a regular basis to talk about issues you may have within your home, or just get encouragement as a mother and as a Christian. Look for that person who has the luxury of solely encouraging you.
There are also ministering friendships. Friends who you know God has placed in your life for you to devote much time and energy to ministering to. These friends probably wont “give” you much, but God has placed them in your life to help and encourage. All friendships are not give and take. There are some friendships where you must be the one to “give” the most. Don’t close yourself off to people who God may be calling you to minister to.
Then there are the friends in your life who also give and take. Friends who minister to you, and who you also minister to. I love these kinds of friendships! But they are few and far between. So when you find one of those friendships, do not take it for granted! They are God’s gift to you. I have three friends like this. I know that I can call on them no matter what and they will be there for me because they love me and care about me. If I need ministering to, they know this and will do whatever they can for me. And I will do the same for them. These relationships are so beautiful and need much cultivating.
Friendships with woman can be very complicated. They can enrich your lives, but they can also hurt you deeply. It is also important to carefully consider the impact emotionally draining and hurtful relationships have in your life. You may need to “weed” out these relationships instead of cultivating them. But, God may be calling you to minister to that kind of person. But then again, He may not. Seek Him on this.
How can you cultivate friendships?
1.Reaching out. Remember; cultivate means “to devote oneself to”. Ask the Lord to show you ways to cultivate a friendship with someone.
2. Listen. Be someone who listens, not just talks. Make sure you know you are available to listen. People are not mind readers. You must tell them.
3. Help. Ask the Lord ways in which you can show love in action to friends.
4. Pray. Pray for your friends. Tell them you are praying for them. Ask them how you can pray for them. Ask them to pray for you.
5. Encourage. Support and encourage them. Tell them they are doing a great job as a mother. Praise their efforts. A little bit goes a long way!
Sally, this is so wonderful! You’ve spoken some great and useful truth here that is sure to encourage many in their friendships!
When I read the title of this blog post I was SOOO excited because I have been *feeling* this need for women friendships lately…those that will undergird and encourage my values and lifestyle and vision in mothering. And then to see that this was written by my dear friend Andrea?!?! Just the encouragement that the Lord knew I needed this morning….seriously. There is such excellent wisdom and reminders here…praying for wisdom in finding a local mentor and other mamas who share similar ideals who are in the same stage of life as I am.
I so needed this today, I am struggling in a season of loneliness and discouragement and so need to make time for sweet friendships in the Lord.
So true! These relationships are vital! Thank you Sally for inviting Andrea to share this message! And, thank you for sharing her with us. I’ve spent the last 30 minutes reading through her blog. Just lovely!
Thank you, Sally. Every single one of your posts brings me encouragement.
*Excellent* words from Andrea, whom I love!
I find that friends of mine are too “worn out” with their role as a wife, mother and educator to even *want* to take the time to cultivate friendships. I know, though, that it is WORTH the effort– I have been so blessed by friends who DO take the time; my life and my role as a wife and mother are enriched for the time spent with those kind of friends!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord…for speaking directly to me today through Sally. You knew that I needed to hear this and be encouraged to make the time to seek out heart-filling relationships. I think this blog entry is one of the one that speaks most directly to my heart and my needs. I have already passed it on to many others in the hopes that they too will be encouraged.
Perfect, Andrea. Practical advice to do something with all those feelings we have.
This is so beautifully said. Thank you for taking the time. The older I get the more I realize how desperately I need great women in my life. I appreciate each and every woman who is in my path right now. They each offer something beautiful that compliments where I am in my journey.
Beautifully said, Andrea! I am so glad the Lord gave me you as a friend.
love. it. going to spread the love around by sharing this with my friends!
I think this whole this whole post is so very good and there is truth to what both writers said – But I do think it needs to be said that there needs to be balance in woman friendships – you see it off balance all too often..where lady friends are more important to her then her husband and children -and take a ladies time up she should be at home growing her friendship with her husband but also her children. They should be out best of friends and get our most time – if we are meeting w friends on a regular basis week end and week out we are saying to our family that the friends are more important than our family – our children are only young for a short time and then grow up and move out – and where we should still be close bonded to our children then and available we will also have more time for friends then. I am not saying it is not great to have a few really great like minded friends that you e mail here and there w in balance, or have the whole families together or the ladies to see each other at church and chat together after the service – but just that there really must be a balance in it all bc I see ladies in general that take it way out of balance…but then I also see a lot of ladies in my own church that all have large families, are some of the most Godly woman I know, and have the most amazing close bonded marriages, and their kids are so close to each other and to the parents – & the moms would all tell you like I – that they each have a few very few special friends in their lives that as I said they see at church, or e mail here and there or have the families get together….but while having children in the home, homeschooling and so on….they are just so enjoying the time w the family and are also busy with that – and very happy w it all – not lonely but full in what God has blessed them with – These woman have 8,9,10 children each in their homes and God has given them a big job at home and also a husband to be their best friends so they are busy and happy….but as you said they do love to have a special friend that understands so they e mail or look forward to church on Sunday so they can talk after the service and fellowship at the church meal and so on – then they see each other at the church baby showers and wedding showers and such -I know 3 moms at church that have older kids still in the home but also a few younger and they all have Monday early am where they call and pray together before the day starts – so they get that once a week together as well –
Anyway – my point is we just also need to make sure we keep a balance in it all bc so often lady friendships get to be more important to so many ladies than the home, husband and children – we never want our children to grow up and feel our friends were more important to us than them and we did special things with friends over with them and so on…I know people that feel that way and it is very sad.
Jessica, yes, definitely, balance in all things.
The relationships I am talking about *enrich* the mother’s heart, they do not replace the ones in the home that are near and dear to a mother’s heart. We also were created for intimacy with God first, and then with others. I speak many times in this post about seeking God for answers in these relationships, and how to proceed with these relationships. I am confident that if you are seeking the Lord on these things, then He will give you answers and also balance. Thank you for your input!
Hi Andrea,
Yes, I so agree w you that balance is the key but also seeking the Lord on it all. He has a different plan for all – A point I was trying to make as well is this – the more children you are blessed with in the home the busier in the home you are with your children, homeschooling and your husband…there is just not much “extra” time outside of that for a good season of life, but as they grow and marry and move away a mom will have more time for time w friends like she did before you had children. I have just seen over and over ladies put friendship time way over the family and gone often and you can see the fruit of it in their homes and w her relationship w her children and husband – it is not as near and dear to her or precious as the moms that pour themselves out to God, her husband and children. We are to serve our husbands like we would serve God and that takes a lot of time and really such an important relationship outside out walk w God. There are so many great books on the subject – sadly you just see so many invest so much time w other woman, retreats away w other woman and not the family – the family vision is getting lost anymore as is the strong marriage bonds and there are reasons for it all. We really need to pour our time and hearts out to God, our husband and children and outside of that there is not much extra time and why I said the ladies at our church have whole families together, see each other at church or e mail here and there when needed that encouraging word on a bad day or just needing an encouraging word. If you have less children in the home you may have a bit more time, but the more you have in the home the less free time you have – God has blessed me w a few dear ladies that I have gone to church w for years, but they have 8,9,10 kids and so on and so even their e mail times is very limited, so I rejoice seeing them at church and chatting after the service and so on or having their family over every great once in awhile as we are all just busy raising our families – this busy season goes fast with children in the home and we can’t redo it so want to make the very most of it.
I am reading a really great book right now called “A Mother’s heart” by Jean Fleming – it is very encouraging and good…
Fantastic, encouraging post. We were not designed to live as an island! We need healthy community, and the words spoken here give excellent advice on what that looks like. Love this.
I’m new to Sally’s blog. I found her through Amy’s Humble Musings. BTW I just finished her book Dancing with the Father. I absolutely LOVED it!! It was life changing for me. Someone put into words all my struggles the past few years. I’m actually doing the study with best girlfriend right now.
I just wanted to say thank you for reminding me of the different kinds of friendships (and helping to define them). I have a few friendships where I am more of a mentor to some younger moms, I’m probably ahead of them by about 10 yrs. Sometimes I don’t make enough time for them and have felt a little annoyed at them because I have known that I was the one mostly pouring into them. I am reminded that that is my role and feel so much more at peace with it. In fact I feel inspired to embrace those friendships!! They are truely beautiful ladies.
I think partly why I was confused by this is because I don’t really have a mentor. I do have a few older ladies who have encouraged me along the way but because of their relationships with their children I don’t really feel that I can follow their example too much.
I am so thankful to have found this blog during this phase of my journey in motherhood. I have 7 children ages 16-5 and could really use some refreshing, some vision for this phase of the journey. I have definately found that here. People not looking for formulas but for relationship. That’s what God is all about anyways.
Thank you Andrea! I love how God uses such ordinary things like the internet to speak the words He needs us to hear, and oh how I needed to hear this!
Thank you for this post. I was in need of a friend a few years ago and started praying for one. God has now blessed me with two very good friends. I do agree that you need balance with friends and marriage and a good friend will understand when you need family time. I am so happy mine do. They are encouraging and sympathetic when needed. What I have noticed is that being a homeschooler really limits these friendships because of time and also because of your belief in homeschooling. I find it harder to make a close friend with mom’s who work or send their children to public school. We seem to not have as many things in common, or they are going to the gym or out to lunch when I need to do school. I think the idea of forming small groups of like-minded women is excellent. I know personally I am so blessed by other homeschooling mom blogs and would love to meet some of them. On another side note, how about finding Godly friends for your children? We are struggling with this issue right now with our 13 year old daughter. We have not really met any family with girls her age for her to make friends with,they are all much younger,much older or attend public school and do not have the same values as us. Can anyone encourage us in this area? I know other older girls around 19 or 20 who have waited years for a friend and had many a day of tears. As a mom I am always trying to find the right balance of sheltering and letting go.
Thank you so much Sally for posting this. Because of your encouragement in this area over the past year or so, I am stepping out in faith and starting a Mom Heart Group that begins this Monday. Andrea articulated so well what is in my heart and I know other mom’s as well. Not knowing one other mother that would attend…just trusting the Lord…I took the plunge. Since this group will probably be providing support and encouragement to single moms, stay-at-home moms, working moms, and homeschooling moms, I will defintely be seeking advice and training from WHM! We will be reading through The Mission of Motherhood to help facilitate the group and provide focus. I believe your words of truth and compassion will provide the backbone to relationships that will be cultivated during this time. I have 2 hours to fill during our 1st meeting and reading this blog entry will be perfect to get our conversations started! Thank you, thank you.
Sally, thank you for sharing Andrea’s rich words of wisdom. Thank you, Andrea. Your words challenge me in many ways . . to be more intentional in cultivating and caring for the friendships God has given me and to pursue both mentoring and being mentored.
Speaking of friendships, I am so blessed by my blogging friends and seeing the network God is creating and using to encourage women in their homes and relationships. Thanks, ladies!
This is a great blog post. When I was a young mother I longed for a mentor I could trust and be real with. I felt such pressure to do things right and had no place I could really let down my guard. Creating a community where vulnerability is o.k. and yet we don’t indulge unbiblical responses is so important. Being a wife and mother is such a high calling that we must do what we can to preserve and protect it.
Wonderful post Andrea. This has been the year of cultivating friendships for me- being intentional about opening up to receive as well as to give. Receiving from friends is actually harder for me, perhaps because I was in ministry for so long and was used to others coming to me for spiritual guidance. I am reaching out, taking risks, and it has been so rewarding. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience on this road called friendship.
Andrea,
This post is a glimmer of the beautiful, caring person you are. I hope you know that your effort toward cultivating all types of friendships has been my lifeline at times when discouragement has nearly overcome me. I have learned so much from you and I am blessed to call you my friend. ~L
Suffering from anxiety, depression & OCD I often isolate myself from other women. It’s just easier than explaining myself, sometimes. But it does make for a lonely life at times. I’m one of those people who was built to be my own best friend, so that helps. But I have had a hard time finding a TRUE woman friend. So many times my feelings have been hurt by backstabbing, etc.
Lindsey, I am sorry to hear your frustration. I get that. I don’t believe we were meant to be our own best friend. I pray you go to the Lord with your requests and know that He hears you and wants you to open up. It is definitely hard to find close women friendships. Sometimes you have to lower expectations and find it in multiple friendships instead of just one.
I have found my experiences with friendships to be wonderful in some ways but I feel let down in a lot of ways and the biggest one is the lack of Titus 2 women – or even women who can be friends in a open way. No gossiping, one upping each other, no judging; just being there for each other when we need each other. I have yet to find that kind of friendship in my everyday life. I pretty much have given up hope of finding a friend that can encourage when I need prodding but also listen when I am about to lose it. It doesn’t help that the few people I have opened up to mock me (especially in front of my children, which closes my heart quickly to those women) or divulge my thoughts to others without my permission. If having a friend means going through that kind of pain then I don’t think I want friendships. I already was a private person but after a couple experiences I have had in the last few years, I realize that friendship is not all that it is cracked up to be. For those women who find someone who is a true friend I say God bless you. I know it can be a wonderful thing when you do find it. Give praise that God finds you worthy of deep friendships.
Ouida Gabriel
Ouida, it breaks my heart you have been hurt by female friendships. They can be so complicated. I know what it is like to have my heart broken over expectations in friendships. I pray that you will continue to cultivate your relationship with the Lord, and keep asking Him for that special friend. You do have to be careful who you open yourself up to because it does take a considerable amount of emotional energy. Sometimes you have to step away from that relationship and reassess. Don’t lose hope on friendship. Just keep sharing your thoughts with the Lord and He hears you, I promise.
My truest friend (like whom you speak) shared this with me. It touched my heart to read that someone else can put my own thoughts so perfectly on “paper”. Having only one such friend, sometimes I feel so dependent on her. She’s the only one I can share struggles with and not get the response “And you want more kids?” She’s the only one who I can share all my mess ups with and not feel like she’s going to demote me in my “worthiness.” I’d love to have more of these friends, but then again, I’m not sure I could actively cultivate many more. It would almost be like having a garden that’s too big to tend. I have friends I’m reaching out to, but even in that, to encourage that type of friendship requires that you be that kind of friend… but (this is going to sound SO rude) they’re still a bit too piggish for my pearls. They’re good friends, but my pearls are so precious and my heart is so sensitive. And I’m fiercely defensive of God’s call on my life, it looks so different from the rest of society. So… I’ll keep tilling ground and praising God for this one very special friend!
Alison, you are wise!! Not to say we need all these kinds of friends I am talking about. But if you have that one friend and you are cultivating it then, wonderful! You are wise not to invest in too many people. That takes careful leading from the Lord which it seems you have. Those special friends are such a gift.