The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn which shines brighter and brighter until the full day. Proverbs 4:18 (Sarah, Joy, Joel and I on a Austrian path in the alps on a lovely spring day.)
And as I have been studying Hebrews this month, I see that obedience is really connected to faith, believing hearts–soft hearts willing to wholeheartedly trust, follow, rest in Him, those who love and believe God are who he considers obedient–not just those who check off the task to be done or consider obedience an action to be accomplished. So here is the article……
Obedience–first time or eventual?
Now, the secret is out–I do believe in obedience for me, for children, for all who want to love and serve God. But, I see now that the goal for my obedience is not behavioralism–performance–doing a task that I want done this instant because of fear of punishment. I do not measure my success as a parent by whether or not my children instantly obey.
I think that the goal is to teach our children to obey quickly, but search as I may, I cannot find that as a standard in scripture. And so I may find relief in the grace I have found in scripture.
I have loved the book by Eugene Peterson, “A Long Obedience in the Same Direction.” ( Not a book about parenting, but a book on discipleship for adults) Even the title itself is about the process of discipleship–creating lives dedicated to the service and love of God by a life time of learning to make mature choices. Wisdom is little by little.
Instead, I want my children to learn to love God, to desire to serve Him out of their hearts of respect, awe, reverence, love. I look for growth, not perfection. Maturity, not instant holiness.
Now, it is in the process of having them learn to do my will, that they learn obedience. I must go against their wills to teach them to obey. But it is little by little, season by season. Personality and gender and exhaustion and wellness and life all go into the process.
Sometimes it is first time and sometimes it isn’t. But, I am trying to train their hearts to learn and to value and honor obedience.
For me, this was best done over years and years of training, correcting, modeling, loving and doing it all again the next day.
God’s Ways
The older I get, the more I reflect on Christianity from a long term perspective. It seems that God is a long-term process Father. He doesn’t do things all at once. He is rarely on my timetable. I almost always have to wait much longer than I want to to see my prayers answered. He does not make my life easy or take away the difficult things, but teaches me in the midst. I am very grateful, though, that he is not pernicious or unnecessarily harsh. He is patient, compassionate, understanding, loving through the whole process.
His focus for me as a child is that I move from immaturity towards maturity. From self-absorption to self-sacrifice. His discipline for me is daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, training my appetites of life to His ways. Teaching me to love righteousness and to be sensitive to His heart. Learning in my real paths of life how to life my life his way, with His wisdom. It has taken me a whole lifetime to learn the ways of righteousness. And so it is with our children.
God’s Fathering of me
When I was a young, single missionary in Eastern Europe, I thought I was so spiritual–and I probably was for my age. I had given my life to Christ and wanted to be “His girl”, following Him to the ends of the earth and bringing His love and grace to bear. But, because I was young and I had not failed enough or come to my own limits, I did not even know how much I needed to depend on God. I did not know how very capable I was of sin. I did not clearly see my own immaturity. I was not humble. All of these areas were not because I did not want to please God, but because I was young, inexperienced and didn’t know better.
But then when I got married and had children, I began to realize just how selfish I was and how little I had learned to work. For a while, I thought my problem was my children and marriage, and then I realized that my children were God’s gift to me, but also His way of bringing training of righteousness into my own life, by teaching me what it really meant to serve Him, to give up my rights, to be humble.
The real giving of my life to Him was every day, every minute to the constant demands of my family and Clay. Parenting was for me His pathway of teaching me to obey, to love, to serve. Family life was His training grounds to build holiness into my life.
I am so very grateful that He did not show me all of my sinful, selfish ways at once. He gently took my hand and through the process of caring for my family, little by little I became aware of my need to mature, to love more, to give grace, to be loyal, to work harder, to serve, as He had done with His disciples.
He disciplines us that we may share in his holiness. Holiness is a long term process of development in our hearts, training our wills to want to obey out of a developed love and awe of God.
Path of Life Parenting
There are so many verses that speak of this. Clay calls it, “The Path of Life” parenting model.
The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn–it shines brighter and brighter, a little at a time.
Proverbs also tells us, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. It is a process–a little here, a little there, a little again. Giving our children the appetite for obedience, wisdom, love, and holiness.
I am so grateful in my own life, that God did not overwhelm me with all of my sin and selfishness at once. I would have quit if He had treated me harshly. I wanted to please God and I wanted to be righteous, but didn’t even know that I was so very immature. My heart was right in my own eyes and was seeking to please Him, but my character and behavior lacked so much. it has taken me a life-time to understand just what it really means to be sacrificially loving, loyal in my faith, righteous and generous in my behavior. If God has treated me in such a way, shouldn’t that be the way I treat my children.
Babies
Babies are made to be totally dependent so that they can live in their mother’s arms, and be held and taken everywhere she goes to breathe in the reality of the life she herself lives in Christ.
First, they learn that they can depend on their mother to be comforted, touched, protected. They learn that when they are hungry, their mothers provide their needs, feed them, clothe them, sing to them. This loving connection is the first place babies must learn to look to their parent for their very life, but also for the cues of life.
The baby grows into a toddler, and then into a fully walking person, all gradually. And so the baby learns obedience this way as well.
Even nature itself teaches us so much about process and I find that God has hidden so many mysterious and wonderful answers within the art of His playground–creation. All seeds start small and take time to develop into a full plant. Same with trees. A small sapling in time can become a great, towering tree, but it takes years and years.
Same with baby animals. From puppy to dog. Calf to cow or bull. Chick to fully grown hen.
Sometimes I think it is because we have such small families that we micro-manage obedience and training of little children. When a mom has numerous children who are constantly in need of life, food, clothing and managing chores, and responsibilities, she is much more gradual about the training of her little babies–as she goes, as she can, as the baby lives and learns in the warp and woof of the family life.
Throughout centuries, families were large, and the “gang” all tended to lend themselves to a positive-peer pressure sort of influence on the development of the baby. I know that all of my children tended to learn things together, what the Clarkson values were, what the Clarkson manners were, what the Clarkson expectations were.
With asthmatics and ear-infected children, I had to teach my children to wait their turn. Life itself gave them ways to learn to be unselfish and to learn to serve-because I needed their help!
I have seen that my children went through normal growth patterns. None of them now suck a binky (pacifier), wear a diaper, want to sleep with me every night, etc. God has put maturity into their very dna and brain cells. It is ours to be patient with the process, to enjoy it and to learn from it.
If we just learn to patiently live with our children long enough and learn to look to God for guidance, and train them little by little, the mysterious life of God begins to work in and through their hearts and lives. Yet, we must remember that this is a natural and normal path from the beginning of time–to live into it, and not fight it, and to cultivate joy along the way.
Thank you. Sometimes in our Christian subculture I feel so much pressure to demand perfect and immediate obedience from my small child. But I always wonder how we can expect that of our children when we, as adults, have certainly not gotten a handle on perfect and immediate obedience.
Excellent thoughts! The long-term perspective is key to approaching a situation in the appropriate manner. It seems to be a life-long practice being developed in me, but the dividends are rich.
Wow. Thank you for reposting! I may print this off for further prayer and reflection! I’m just on the tip of the ice berg of understanding how much we need to be loving our children in the ways of the Lord not just pounding them into them…it’s so not the Lord. I love love this post!
I really love the photos of your & your children walking…so peaceful!
Congrats to Debi, too!
Thank you Sally for this beautiful post. I have been struggling with trying to “make” my four-year-old be obedient the first time I ask him to do something. This reminds me how much more grace I need to extend to him. I rarely get it right the first time myself. Thanks for reminding me of this!
Sally this is exactly what has been stirring in my heart as well lately… thank you for this message.
Thanks Sally. I love Proverbs 4:18 because God shows us that full maturity in Christ IS a process as you so beautifully shared. I even consider it more than just a “long time”, but a life time
My greatest learning in the Word (as I have been trying to stay on focus with my “niche”) has been that God, by way of Jesus Christ death and resurrection HAS already given us everything we will ever need to live a full life “more abundantly” (John 10:10). Gee, I realized…it’s not God that keeps moving in and out of my walk….it’s me oh Lord (lol)! Your sharing helped establish God’s Word on my heart deeper…that it’s OK to not be perfect (fully mature) quite yet, but to keep my heart focused on Jesus Christ – who is. God Bless you, I look forward to meeting you at my first Allume!
I am a brand new blogger, just a couple blogs and no Affiliates yet, etc…but excited about all the learning.
Oh my! I won!
) How fun! Thank you – sweet Sally. Lovely post.
I so enjoyed reading this, and although I have no children, I found this encouraging! It did indeed remind me that at the age of 57, soon to be 58, that my Father is “still” gently leading me in areas that need maturing♥ I have by no means arrived
I do draw encouragement from posts such as yours that remind me that I do have a heavenly Father who never wearies from “leading me along.”
Thank you again for sharing and brightening my day♥
Ronda
These words have spoken to my heart today. I’ve tried the “obey me the first time” philosophy and regretted it. I know that I mess up many times a day and still my heavenly Father has bestowed grace upon me, how can I not extend grace to my son. I also read something Sally said to SarahMae about her daughter. She said something along these lines, that her 4 yr old would probably obey her if she could. Meaning, 4 yr olds don’t always know how to control their own emotions. And here I am expecting my 4 yr old son to behave like an adult and obey right away when he can’t. Thank you for encouraging this mom! As for ways to find breathing room, I have time in the evening after the kids are asleep to unwind and do what I need to do – read a book, read blogs, etc.
This was just what I needed this morning. I loved the paragraphs about how training happens in larger families, as I have four children 6 & under and see this happening: the 6-year-old takes the one-year-old’s hand and joyfully helps her obey. Then all the children cheer when the toddler follows a command and her little face lights up with delight.
I LOVE this! God has taught me so much about my own selfishness through homeschooling my 3 young children.
Would enjoy having this book as a resource.
Thanks for the great post!
When we were parenting our boys, the common myth was that it was first time obedience or it wasn’t obedience at all. But I kept going back to scripture. In Matthew 21 the first son says “NO”. The second son says “Yes”. The first son changes his mind and then does what his father asked. The second son doesn’t do what he said he would do.
We are ALL like this. Even as adults.
I am going to be taking a group through Heartfelt Discipline very soon.
I am so thankful that you are present in the Christian Community and speaking out on parenting!
I bought the first Heartfelt discipline almost 10 years ago when our first daughter was coming home into our lives. So glad it was re written and is being published again!
I’ve never commented, but I have to today – I had a crazy difficult day with my almost-2-year-old son yesterday (and I’m 30 weeks pregnant). I regularly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m not in a place where there are lots of older women around (or any) to whom I can go to for wise counsel and encouragement. God is using your words this week to give me hope and to look at the long game instead of the short term… and it’s good to know that this is teaching me humility and maturity – I can’t decide if I’m throwing more tantrums these days than my little boy. Thank God for his love and grace and mercies, which are new every morning.. Thank you, Sally for your faithfulness in writing these matters out for the rest of us.
I find breathing room in many different ways. I now have 9 children, ranging from 17 through 6 weeks old. I am usually awake before the children are up, and enjoy the quiet moments that start my day. I am innately a night owl and used to prefer the quiet of late nights, but my husband’s job situation required that we both change those habits.
I enjoy a rare lunch out with ladies from church or a tea with a few other homeschool moms … just a couple times a year. Many Wednesday nights I head to the library with just my youngest two while the other kids are at church, though this often doubles as a book-finding time for our homeschool. About twice a year, I go get my hair cut, leaving the little kids with either my husband or my teenage daughters. I love when my husband takes the kids to town with him, and I get to stay home with just the baby.
Last year I started exercising more and though it’s hard to find time for yoga or a walk, I enjoyed the moments when I did fit it in. My husband and I took late-night walks after we got all the young kids into bed, taking advantage of the longer daytime hours in Spring and Summer. I take full advantage of summer vacation to read more, to send the kids outside to play more, and to refresh before our homeschool year starts again.
Thanks again sally! God is so good—how wonderful to belong to One who is so gentle with me. I am grateful He is patient with me and teaches me slowly over the course of time.
Thank you Sally, as always, your posts hit right at home for me! Last night I caught my 5 year old lying and my other child is having a very hard time being obedient. This whole “training” thing is exhausting, especially as I am less than 2 weeks away from expecting my fourth daughter. This morning I was feeling exhausted physically and emotionally. I have gone out of my way this past week to do extra special things with my children in attempt to enjoy these last few days as a family of 5. So when their disobedience arose, it seriously broke my heart. I figured my extra attention and special trips to the beach, park, Krispy Kreme, sand toys, all while lugging around these tired hips should cause them to obey, right? I mean, Love conquers all! LOL I know it sounds silly now, but this sweet post reminded me that these moments of training are to be expected and my diligence, little by little, is making a difference. Best of all thank you for the sweet reminder that, yes, this IS a PROCESS! I sometimes just expect my girls to get it since I am always with them and they have a great home life. I soon realize, my expectations are unrealistic. Training comes with the territory and they aren’t born obedient, although that would be nice!
Blessings to you!
I’m so excited to dig into this book! Thank you, precious Clarkson family!
Blessings to you,
Rhonda
Breathing room…Lately I’ve gotten back into exercise. I find that listening to upbeat and meaningful Christian music as I run/walk helps me return to the craziness at home. Of course, this means that I can only exercise outside when my husband is home to look after the boys, unless I want to get up insanely early, which I’m not so inclined to do yet!
I appreciate this post and the need to evaluate how we are teaching our children to walk this path. Thank you!
breathing time is hard to find. But lately just a few minutes alone even if just for a shower helps me to regroup and feel human!!!
Thank you, Sally, for your always wise words and insight. Your blog is invaluable to me. On the invent your own option, I prayed that mamas who really really really need this book will win it.
So much wisdom in this, Sally – especially,
“…my children were God’s gift to me, but also His way of bringing training of righteousness into my own life, by teaching me what it really meant to serve Him, to give up my rights, to be humble.”
and
“God has put maturity into their very dna and brain cells. It is ours to be patient with the process, to enjoy it and to learn from it.”
As one whose children are now older, I am sure that God’s intent for mothers is to mature us in and through the process, and truly there is so much joy to be had in the daily being with our children, but it cannot be found without patience. If we are to bear the image of Christ in our mothering, we will long for loving obedience from our children, and we will need to instruct and discipline them, but we will also know that rigid rule keeping is not an accurate the measure of a child’s heart desire to lovingly obey. As God models patience with us, not wanting our obedience to come from a place of fear or self-righteousness, but out of the maturing, loving relationship we have with Him… so we can model it for our children.
Thank you for your ongoing faithful instruction and encouragement.
Thank you for this opportunity to win the book! Sally, I enjoy your blog so much. Gleaning wisdom from your mother’s heart is a gift to me
Thank you for sharing. I enjoy your blog so much.
How I enjoy reading your posts! Your insights are so wonderful and give so much hope!
I am so encouraged by your posts. I feel desperate for this parenting resource! I have read so many parenting books but I really feel like this book is needed in the Christian parenting community. Thank you for the opportunity!
breathing as a mom? ever since coming home from conference, I’ve tried to have a bouquet or a flowering plant on the dining room table. every time I walk by it, I smile and take a deep breath. It sounds simple…maybe crazy. But that tiny moment happens a dozen times a day and it refocuses me!!
Love!!! Running out to get something pretty for the table!
Wow. Sally, you have given me so much to think about. I really look forward to reading this book. I pray I win a copy, but if I don’t I will be buying one as soon as I have a little extra money. I need to sit and read it soak it in and pray through it. Just what I need especially now that I am parenting without the benefit of having my dear husband here on earth as a partner in parenting.
God bless you for sharing this with us.
Blessings!
Mary Joy
Thank you Sally for again being such an encouragement. We have four boys ages 10 to 17 and as I walk this journey day in and out, hopefully growing in wisdom and maturity, I see everything you shared as ringing true! It’s so good to have someone a little farther on the journey confirm what the Lord and my heart have been saying! I keep you and your family in my prayers, thanking God for using you as such a beacon of light to our generation!
Breathing room… my time with the Lord and an occasional chance to sit down and read a book are about it right now. I know this season of having all little ones will pass all to quickly though.
Thank you for putting it so simly.
I find breathing room when I have time to read a good book while my children are sleeping.
A drive in the car is a breather. A walk. Even a moment locked in the bathroom! Sometimes I go to a good movie, solo. Having pajama day. Looking up BBC documentaries on interesting history topics, instead of a ‘book day’ for school.
I loove you Sally Clarkson! Your writing makes me feel soooo good, to be so encouraged and affirmed. Cause sometimes, it’s tough…. and messy.
I find ‘breathing room’ (like right now) when my 4 mo. old baby is taking a nap (and when I’m not taking a nap at the same time!)…thank you so much for this post. Being a first-time mom, I am receiving a lot of advice re: discipline, baby sleeping through the night, baby eating, etc. I also had a lot of ideas in my own head about how things ‘should be’…learning to take things one day at a time, to not compare (which is so difficult!) and to pray for joy and grace in this process, because it really is a process!
Pinning this one for sure!
Luxurious breathing room is an hour of quiet time first thing in the morning with my Jesus, a long run with or without worship music, date night, getting lost in a good book, or gathering with my favorite Jesus girls and letting it all out to talk and pray it through. Ok, and a beach…. or the mountains. Everyday breathing room still involves quiet time, though it may be shorter and not so quiet. But I also find breathing room in housework if I am conscience enough to still my mind because the Lord can breathe right in to me in these moments, even if little hands are working alongside me. Any time I spend outdoors… And always writing… to archive a complete thought, to wrestle through the mess, to record the steps of our journey and look back on this story He is writing us into, making us a part of… Thank you for causing me to think about this! Awesome.
I *try* to have a “quiet time” of rest every day, which gives me time to sit, study the Word, finish up chores, or even nap myself! With 4 littles ones 6 and under, we have a pretty busy household, and I need to remember that obedience is a growing process. Thank you for your encouragement.
Thank you, Sally. Your blog posts always encourage me. I especially appreciate your perspective as a mature woman speaking to us younger moms. Most bloggers seem to be about my own age and stage in life…I appreciate them but find more value in your wisdom.
Breathing space…when two out of three are napping at once?
Thank you. I needed to read this!
I stay up too late and don’t wake children for a bit in the morning for my own quietness. Now, where did I put my confidence?
I find breathing room by praying throughout the day, taking in nuggets of the Word when I can, listening to music that reminds me of who God is & good books read during naptime! Thank you for this giveaway!
I would so love to have this book!
Thanks
This is so true… I have so much to learn, but as a mum of two (at the moment!) small children, we are learning together!
I have so much to learn, but as a mum of two (at the moment!) small children, we are learning together… and I would love to win this book
So blessed by your words and your experience- such a gift to me in this mothering of 6 little ones (ages 8 and under). What a precious reminder to allow our children to grow in obedience, just as we are.
Thank you!
~Jessica
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL! So blessed to have come across your site, and to have met you at the conference in North Carolina. I think through your work, God’s miracle is slowly beginning to take place in our family. Thank you for all your faithful ministry to us mothers in need. God will surely bless you richly.
I find breathing space by reading blogs, books, phone call to a friend, or a once a month getaway to a beautiful garden for a walk and picnic. These things help me to unwind and feel supported through the “desperate days” (4 kids 4 and under!)! I have been anticipating this book’s new revision! Thanks for your daily encouragement!
Breathing room? Exercising is a good way. Last night I stayed up and I started reading a book (and I finished it too!). Even though I have been sick the last week and caring for sick littles the last 2 weeks staying up and reading that book was great for me!
Thank you Sally! Such a breathe of fresh air to hear from someone older and wiser who has done what I am doing now! And your children of course are your “fruit” that it actually works! Yes, it is soo very true that the larger the family the less “micro-managing” occurs. We have 6 precious ones and they ALL help each other out on a daily basis! I find breathing room when I start my day SLOWLY instead of some whirlwind mad dash to get the day going.
Prayers for you!
Finding breathing space has changed over the years (my oldest is 24, youngest is 9). When my oldest was little and we also had little money
I would simply be sure to feed them and get them ready for bed a little early so that I could have an hour to myself in the evenings for reading or handwork.
Over time, it changed and once my husband didn’t have to work such long hours, he willingly took care of them for an hour or two and allowed me to go out. Sometimes I went shopping, other times I would just pick up a drink, drive to the nearest park and sit in my van praying.
Now that my youngest are more self-sufficient, I find that I don’t need that breathing room as often. I still occasionally go out alone, but it’s a lot easier now than it was when I had babies and toddlers in the house.
Your testimony of God’s patient grace in your life sounds a lot like mine. I really truly only realized my desperate need for him as a mom. God is completely interested in the heart of the matter and He will let it take a lifetime if it has to. God as our parent needs to impress no one.
While I believe children need to obey their parents in the Lord for this is right. I think we tend to let the outward apperances dictate too much of our own actions with our kids. At least I do.
He just wants the relationship. Oh, thinking about this is good for me. (-: Thanks, I really liked this post!!
I find it harder and harder to get some breathing space as a mom! As my kids get older they do not nap, stay up a little later at night and I just don’t get those moments as often. My husband travels a good bit with his job too. So it is usually quite late at night when I read and pray and try to unwind. Would love a copy of the book!
Wow! I loved this. I, too, was a young, wild-eyed, idealistic single missionary in Eastern/Central Europe. Now, still serving, but as a mom and wife, I could so relate to what you said. For me, finding breathing space means carving out a time in mid-morning to be with Jesus. It isn’t always long, and is often interrupted. But it is something! I also try to find some time in the mid-afternoon during the kids’ rest time, to just sit and be for a few minutes.
This is fascinating! I would love to be entered in the contest.
Breathing space as a mom? Long showers, time alone reading while hubby watches the kids, dinner out with friends… As an introvert, I have to make time for myself to recharge, or I’m not the best mom that I can be.
I have been reading your co-authored book Desperate and it has been really speaking to my heart – exactly the words I need to hear. I am sometimes … well maybe a lot of times … too quick to harsh words or responses because I just feel so overwhelmed. I have really heard the words in the chapters of Desperate and they have been helping to mold my heart, take time, be slow, be intentional. I hope I can not ‘ruin’ my children because of my own sins. Thank you for the chance to enter this giveaway.
Thank you…. I am so refreshed and encouraged by your words……
I agree that bigger families result in less micromanaging!
I find breathing space at night after the kids have gone to bed.
I loved this post! Well said. I have to be up before my kids to get my breathing space!